Screen Spotlight

Miley Cyrus is still celebrating her hotness? Talk about a hot flash two decades too soon. Jaden Smith will not be emancipated? The kid is worth twenty million bucks and will be one of the greatest actors ever. I think he’ll be alright. Ben Affleck is now designing shoes. Man, dreams really do come true. Captain (steroids) America (steroids) has bulging (steroids) biceps. Kanye West’s Lamborghini has taken a beating. Now if only the same thing would happen to Kanye himself…There has been so much talk about Angelina Jolie’s mastectomy that people are ignoring her hysterectomy too. She deserves all of our praise and approbation. Miss USA wants to marry Prince Harry. Get in line sister! Baz Luhrmann’s Great Gatsby left everyone at Cannes feeling underwhelmed. It almost reminds me of every other movie Luhrmann has made: it sucks.

Lauryn Hill has been sentenced to 3 months in prison. Can somebody say drop the soap? Oh? We just did? Slip. Lindsay Lohan has called rehab "pointless". Hmmm, pointless, not unlike Lohan herself. Speaking of rehab, even Charlie Sheen's ex-wife Brooke Mueller is there. Who's next Emilio Estevez? Mama June and Sugar Bear have exchanged vows? It sounds like a lesbian sex cult. Here's some crappy news: Elton John's husband copped a feel of Doodie Howser's ass.Amanda Bynes underwent plastic surgery to fix her face. Too bad some things are too broke to fix. Patrick Schwarzenegger has been thrown out of a night club. Next thing you know he'll be bangin' the cleaning woman. Hey like father like son! 

Ireland Baldwin fires back at critics. She must be from Ireland because Owen Wilson's (Hall Pass) p*nis is Dublin! Chord Overstreet has tweeted from bed. Well, Violin Underpass has sent out an Instagram so what's the big deal? Pink has eloquently proclaimed she is a "reformed slut". Good grief, Pink is reformed? Are Harry Styles and Kimberly Stewart dating? No not Patrick Stewart that's Captain Picard. No not Joey Styles that's WWE. Rumer has it, pun intended that Rumer and Demi Moore have reconnected over yoga. Their egos are so flexible. Oh no, no baby gifts for Kim K and Kanye West? What will the billionaires do without baby gifts? Will Kim Kardashian at least have a baby shower? If not she can always take a bath. Catherine Zeta-Jones has been hospitalized because of the severity of her bipolar disorder. No wonder she has two last names, we are all really two people anyway right? Jason Collins has come out, and then he told the world he's gay. I am so happy (not gay) for him.

US Weekly asks "Is sidebutt the new sideboob?" And we responded "that's just the tits isn't it?" Gwyneth Paltrow no longer wears underwear when debut(t)ing a dress. I hope she never wears the same outfit again! Who is a better American Idol judge, Mariah Carey or Jennifer Lopez? Simon Cowell, 'nuff said. Ellen has given a wedding gift to Justin and Jessica. Did she give away her Portia? Poppy Montgomery has named her daughter Seed. Just kidding. Why do so many people hate Gwyneth Paltrow? Surely it's not because of her amazing acting? Drugs have been found on Justin Bieber's bus. Bieber thought he was a flower. Turns out he is just a big weed! Want to see Melissa Gilbert's wedding dress? Then go to her wedding. Mark Wahlberg will reunite with the funky bunch. Surprisingly, we have no comment.

Ben Affleck will live on $1.50 a day...for one day. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are finally divorced. This is such sad news. Reese Witherspoon faced arrest after a tirade against the police officers that arrested her drunk husband Jim Toth (short for Tooth?). Gosh, she is such a sweetheart. Hey pig F* you!!! Awe. Kate Middleton has a baby bump. Does she have a baby too? Justin Bieber Tweeted and the deleted a photo with Selena Gomez. Amanda Bynes loves her fans...What fans? They must be of the ceiling variety. I love how you twirl. Jay-Z and Kanye heart one another. Good thing Kanye has a fall back guy now that KK is the size of a barnyard. Rookie news anchor A.J. Clemente was fired after uttering his first words ever in front of the camera: "F'ing Sh**. I am used to being from the East Coast". Good lord, what if he were from the West Coast? He melted down worse than a polar ice cap!

Why would JWOWW want to adopt when she already has two adorable puppies? Kevin Hart has been arrested on suspicion of DUI. Now, there's nothing funny about that. Justin Bieber wants Anne Frank to be his biggest fan? Ummm dude, I know that you can barely read but leave the memory of that poor girl alone. Tiger and Lindsay have become serious. She even wore the golfer's patented red and black. What she wore on top is anyone's guess! Carmelo Anthony talks about his winning style. It all starts with a good breakfast and reportedly his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios! RPattz and Kristen Stewart are holding hands again. Isn't it the sweetest when a cuckolded guy goes back with his gardening tool? Will the Lakers part ways with the Black Mamba in favor of D12? Let's ask Achilles. Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have split. The Boston Marathon is being called the Boston Massacre. Our hearts go out to the families of those slain in the cowardly terror attack that occurred earlier today. Kris Humphries will never legally see Kim Kardashian's e-mails. Dude you already saw everything else aren't you grossed out enough as it is? Finally, Lindsay Lohan enjoyed some Coke at Coachella. Not that kind of Coke. 

OMG Tom Cruise said that life is tragicomic. That must be why I laugh so hard when I cry. Sniff, hahahahah. Donald Trump was booed so loudly at the WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony that his wig, I mean hair almost fell off. If you want to see Justin Bieber's new hairdo I might suggest that you build a time machine and travel back to whenever the heck Austin Powers is from. Taylor Swift suggested that she may be single forever. Taylor, just because you have only one listener doesn't make you single girl. Rihanna may break up (again) with Chris Brown. I cannot imagine (domestic violence) what ever kept them apart (a court order). Katherine Heigl is really hot in her bathing suit; then again that might be because she is in the sun. Rick Ross may be "boss" but he is in a way promoting date rape in his music. I guess even the boss can get fired. Halle Berry has a baby bump that goes so well with her crow's feet. What's this? Lindsay Lohan went out for sushi instead of to her court appointment? Something smells fishy about this.