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How Do You Know

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Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Years later, or three and a half seconds for the purposes of this movie, Lisa (Reese Witherspoon) as a member of team USA softball until her pigheaded coach excises her from the team. Apparently, Lisa is 31 years old and is a fraction slower than she used to be. Her status as an international role model is overlooked in the coach's insensitive decision to release her. Having a woman in crisis is a terrific way to start a romance film. Vulnerability usually leads to a meet cute or to a horrible decision!

Almost simultaneously, Lisa’s friend Riva has given her phone number to George Madison (Paul Rudd) who is being prosecuted by the United States Government for allegedly committing fraud. Failure can sure jumpstart star-crossed lovers in making their wildest dreams coming true. That night Lisa sleeps with a major league baseball pitcher Matty (Owen Wilson). He is naturally an airy goofball of epic proportions. While I find Matty’s antics to be symbolic of the classiness of today’s contemporary playboy, Lisa is repulsed by his inability to personalize her versus the other women coming and going from the revolving door that is his bedroom. Only after the bitter ruthlessness of their one nightstand has worn off does Lisa acknowledge that her standards are impossible. She quickly charms her way back into Matty’s heart and scurries off to do the trite walk of shame.

Meanwhile where one storyline temporarily ends, another one begins. George is now under investigation for account receivables fraud. His father (played by the tactless Jack Nicholson) is none too pleased. Mr. Madison calls his son (parental discretion advised) "a fucking moron". Why not tell him how you really feel Jack Nicholson? George’s ultra sensitive parent takes this watershed moment in his life to terminate their relationship. We later find out that Mr. Madison is the guilty party and is selfish enough to ask his son to serve a jail sentence in his stead.

I am beginning to think if Paul Rudd cannot coexist with Owen Wilson and make us laugh at least a dozen times then I may have to reevaluate my opinion of him both as a comedian and as an actor. Just looking at Owen makes me laugh but watching Rudd act like a sissified man-child makes me cringe. His routine is staler than a moldy loaf of rotten bread. Reese Witherspoon may still be blond but in her case, it should be ruled illegal. She does not have a comedic bone in her entire body. Her "cute and quirky" act does nothing for me. Despite what could be an hilarious premise full of meet-cutes and happenstantial romantic encounters, How Do You Know is a colossal bust. If you are desperate for something to watch on television, try reruns of "Charles in Charge", at least in that ancient sitcom the humor is original and the actors did not expect audiences a laugh without giving them a reason to. Sorry folks, How Do You Know is like Jon Lovitz's comedy club, a giant black hole. Please stay away for your own safety.