It is amazing that people are criticizing Pamela Anderson for her wardrobe "malfunctions". Ten years ago she was as warm as apple pie. Now she is like Johnny Damon, striking out all of the time. Abbie Cornish and Ryan Philippe have split. This is tragic, how many blondes are left in Hollywood for him to date? Tiger Woods issued an apology to fellow parents at his daughter's school. Tiger said that he wants to return to golf but he has to work out a few holes in his game. Did we really write that? Oh yes we did.

Gwyneth Paltrow has told reporters that her saggy ass is no longer an issue. Now if she can just fix her saggy career...Angelina Jolie according to plastic surgeon observers has had a neck lift. The procedure was so subtle and unnoticeable that she has a slight deformation where the procedure was done and has been photographed 100 times by the papa, paparazzi. Oops. Olympic Skiier Will Brandenburg wants a date with Taylor Swift. Dude, have you seen her act? Tina Fey will return to Saturnday Night Live to poke more fun at Sarah Palin. Apparently Family Guy mocking her down syndrome inflicted son was not funny enough? Well, look at the bright side, Fey might hear someone laugh at at least one of her jokes this year!

Madonna may launch her own fashion line at Macy's in 2010. We know what to call it; "Cougar Towne" (notice the extra "e" so as not to infringe on another patent or namesake)? Tiger Woods is disrupting the world golf match play. Only the golfers seem to care. Jealousy is such an ugly thing, much like Tiger's public apology for porkin the Perkin's girl on national television. Sex addiction? Just an unfamiliarity with marital law methinks! Kim Kardashian violated two laws onboard a flight. First she tweeted about a U.S. Marshal seated next to her. Second she still has not told us about Reggie Bush and his Super Bowl proposal! Actually the first issue is the air marshal's fault for breaking his won protocol to have a 1/10000000000 shot at bedding Kim onboard a flight. An American Idol contestant has been removed from the top 24. This is serious business people. Ok I give up, it is really ridiculous.

What’s this? Director Kevin Smith has been kicked off a plane for being too fat? Are you telling me there is a tonnage limit onboard the airlines? No wonder why Michael Moore flies private! A porn star claims that Tiger Woods impregnated her twice. Guess much like with many holes Tiger missed the first shot. Demi Moore and Johnny Depp never seem to age. In fact, they look younger today than they did twenty years ago. Gosh, money may not be able to buy happiness, but plastic surgeons you bet!

Is Jen Aniston with John Mayer, or Gerard Butler or Vince Vaughn or back with Brad Pitt? Gwen Stefani looks cute with her son, and let’s not forget photographers, shoot her from the front because "she ain’t no holla back girl" Where did Britney Spears go on a date for Valentine’s Day? To McDonalds. Her boyfriend is what I call a BIG MAC!

Miley Cyrus is auctioning off a pole dance, I mean a dress and jewelry on behalf of the Haiti relief fund. I bet it would be a relief if she were to dance. Jennifer Lopez or Heidi Klum? Curves versus smiles, actress versus model, we will let Louis Vitton decide! Brad and Angelina took Maddox to the Super Bowl. Does this mean they are not seeing other people, drinking themselves into a stupor and Brad is not back together with Jen? Damn you supermarket tabloids! Jessica Alba does not believe her husband hooked up with Linsay Lohan. Neither do I, they are just friends!

Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge (baby daddy) have decided to part ways. This is actually somewhat shocking as Jamie is the more conscious of the two delicious sisters. Kendra and Kim's Super Bowl feud is over. Lesson learned? Do not put all of your eggs in one Baskett! Colin Farrell used to be a professional dancer...Good...Good, now he can return to doing what he does best, playing a role in Chip'n Dales...Rescue Rangers. Who is better Taylor Swift or Kelly Clarkson? 84% say Kelly is the better of the two, sorry Taylor, next time do not be so swift, I mean quick to judge. It is 11:30 and we are still waiting on Reggie Bush to propose!

Kim Kardashian holds baby Mason and then wonders if Reggie Bush will follow through on his Super Bowl promise...hmmm...fumble? Kate Gosselin hides her hair? Jon Gosselin mastered that through baldness years ago! Bradley Cooper is indeed engaged...to his ego. Michael Jackson's kids Prince Michael (lol) and Paris accepted a lifetime molestation, I mean achievement award on his behalf at the Grammys. Taylor Swift and Beyonce cleaned house at the awards show. Rip Torn is many things; an actor, a drunk, and now a burglar? Well he does resemble the Hamburglar.

Kristin Bell and Dax Shepard are engaged. Brad Pitt is allegedly related to President Obama. Apparently Pitt's great great great distant relative's friend went to Kenya five thousand years ago. Nick Cannon has admitted that like his only like priority in life is to make Mariah Carey a bigger star...by having babies. Nicole Richie does not have an eating disorder, just a mental one!

In homage to the movie Dude Where's My Car I will share the latest gossip and news with the response each morsel deserves! Kate Gosselin sports a pony tail...any then? Josh Duhamel reviewed his wedding vows with Fergie...and then? Tina Fey's biggest fear is being the worst dressed list (sorry Tina already been there, done that)...and then? Haiti telethons alone have raised $57 million in disaster relief funds (preventing typhoid, cholera and starvation)...and then?

The SAG (Screen Actors Guild) held their annual rewards to pat themselves on the back because nobody else wants to...and then? Celine Dion earned $748 million this past decade...and then? Andy Dick has been arrested for two charges of abuse (like starring in 2 movies?)...and then? Nina Dobrev is a Civil War era vampire (come on people that sentence deserves a lol)...and then? Where's your car dude? Dude where's my car?

Conan O'Brien may soon be available for children's parties. The question is are clowns still popular? Although we feel sympathy for Conan being bumped from his dream job, had he increased ratings or actually been good at it this would never have happened. Like Michael Jordan's shoes, with Conan, it must be the hair. Hugh Hefner says the twins will be moving out of the playboy mansion. Ummm Hugh? Everybody is moving out? We know thery all have twins...Do not go there? Ok...Victoria Beckham is either too skinny or too fat on Idol. Methinks she is plain spicy.

Bradd and Angelina reach out to earthquake victims? Really? Are they adopting one? Rebecca Romijn is starring in a "Got Milk" advertisement. Even adults wish they were babies again after hearing that. Channing Tatum was a stripper, and all men are vomiting across America. Heidi Klum has admitted that after having four children some modeling gigs are no longer for her. Sometimes these genius revelations are better left for internal monologue. Thieves stole cash from Usher, damned studio execs! Heiress to a fortune and lover of Tila Tequila, Casey Johnson has been buried in New Jersey, just like the Sopranos.

The Associated Press reports that Charlie Sheen is back to work. What would the sitcom be without him, One and a Half Men? Jon Gosselin has a new girlfriend, she must be the only woman in the world to not know he is broke. Alyssa Milano has a new sitcom due out this Spring. It is called Whose the Boss, just kidding, I should not have gone there. Matt LeBlanc is playing himself in an all new sitcom. The ratings will be through the roof.

J-Lo believes that skinny girls miss out...On what? Bradley Cooper went to New York and he smiled, that is like such a surprise. Miley Cyrus has said goodbye to Hannah Montana and hello to pole dancin' adulthood. Katy Perry is showing off her engagement ring. Apparently she picked the right Brand.

Charlie Sheen was arrested yesterday in an alleged domestic assault incident. Apparently he was carrying a deadly weapon, no not his penis. Sources have revealed he caught his girlfriend with two and half (other) men. Jon Gosselin's ex did not ransack his apartment, using the word sack in the same sentence as Jon Gosselin is ironic. Demi Moore had her hips done again. She is running out of surface area. Demi it's Ashton and I cannot find you. I am right here dear. Oh wow, you were so small it was hard to see you!

Fergie ate everything in site for the movie Nine. It was just the taste, the taste, so Fergilicious. Jennifer Lopez spreads the love and her...nope not going there. Fox has ordered three more seasons of American Idol. That and a limited lifetime supply of hair dye for Simkon Cowell. Good move Fox network! I just saw photos of celebrity plastic surgery. I cannot help but to wonder why somebody whose personality is plastic would decide to have a plastic body. Does this mean the price of oil is going up in 2010? Thanks Hollywood!

LeAnne Rhymes is reaching a divorce settlement. And she wondered how could she ever live without him? She wanted to know. Britney Spears wants to separate BS from fact. Ummm Brit, your entire life, boobs, and spray on abs make you a target for smearing. Everything about you is BS (Baby Shit). Brittany Murphy is dead at 32 from 'natural causes', and no Hollywood actress has ever snorted coc or developed a drinking problem from having a career lapse. Like OMG Jessica Alba shops for the holidays.

Carrie Underwood is engaged. When asked for comment he said his fiance is happy being who she is, under wood. Apparently she asked for the puck and he gave her a stick. I have a celebrity tip on skin improvement, not to discredit Rachel McAdams, it is called plastic surgery. My favorite Brittany Murphy movie is Just Married. A lot is being made about stealing a celebrity's looks, but I wonder why? Father time has already done that for us.

Lindsay Lohan is selling her old clothes. Ladies, how can I remove the whiskey scent so I can wear those things? The Girls Next Door, I mean The Princess and the Frog topped the box orifice this weekend. Poor Tiger has lost all of his growl as the first major endorser has gone by the wayside. Tiger normally hits long drives into the trees, but reports lately have suggested he got all bush this time. Alyssa Milano is offended by Jersey Shore, yeah because she is not the star of the show! Did you know that teen actors are really 25-35 year old creeps? I did. Kourtney Kardashian eats too much...and she talks too much...and she is on my TV too much. Did I mention she weighs, oh nevermind!

Halle Berry likes to shop in Beverly Hills. Me too! May I borrow your black AmEx centurion card? Joy Behar from The View is a moron. Oh sorry, I forgot this is a news column not a recap show. Tiger's wife Elin no longer dons a wedding ring. Look out millionaires, here she comes. I promise she did not marry Tiger for his money! Hugh Jackman does yoga, he is a flexible guy who has the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the acting talent of somebody who can act. Sorry Governator, you're fired! Kate Hudson belly dances. Wait, don't you need boobs for that?

Amanda Peet is expecting a second child. What the first was not good enough? Hollywood actresses, geez. Diane Sawyer is leaving Good Morning America. Tiger Woods spent 40K a weekend on hookers. Man no wonder why he never slices. His money is already invested in hooking. The madame of The Girls Next Door escort service claims he had a pretty big appetite for girls. Tiger loved to text message, and tried to make his transgressions discreet. How sweet, perchance I would like to meet...a whore.

Britney Spears has a short hair style. And we care why? Jon Gosselin is not allowed to make any media appearances. See that folks, The Learning Channel taught somebody something. It only took them ten years. It is fascinating that Michelle Obama is the most fascinating person of the year. Fascinating because she is possibly the dullest and most dim-witted first lady in the history of the office. What precisely has she done since being in office? Oh right, she stopped traffic, spends millions of my money on parties and she plants gardens. WOW (acronym for what o waste!). Taylor Swift has straight hair now. Way to end the gossip with a cliffhanger right people?

At least nine mistresses claim Toger Woods is so good he scored a hole in one, I mean nine. Even his mistresses are jealous about the others women. His wife was so upset she started playing golf. The only problem is Tiger's car is not a golf ball. This just in, Tiger Woods needs a gun. He did not use protection with two women. Bring the heat Tiger!

Tyler Lautner will now play action hero "Max Steel". Lady Gaga could not compete at the Grammy Awards. My goodness, I guess she will have to wear cellophane at home only. Man, imagine how the youngsters on whip-its who are also dexing will feel. Baa baa baa baa baaa ro ro ro etiquette. Amy Adams is pregnant and...We do not care in the least. Dr. McDreamy is so Dreamy. Julia Roberts is now a spokes model for Lancome cosmetics. Only make up can cover up her bad acting. Give her free samples Lancome please!!! Finally, Halle Berry works hard. Yeah, I would too for ten million a year for showing my tits.

Tori Spelling covets a new plastic surgeon. This way paparazzi will take more photos of her in a bikini, woo hoo. Nick Hogan has been involved in another car accident. Funny, his dad Hulk Hogan is still wrestling. I guess a car accident is nothing compared to a train wreck! Tyra Banks has written a page turner, but we were hoping she would offer us a stocking stuffer. Jake and Reese have not split, they have decided to date taller people? Jake is tall, Reese is small, the writing is on the wall. Who are the greatest single moms in T.V. history? Courtney Cox is a cougar sure, and we think she is the cat's meow but does that make her a good mom?

David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for being passed out at his home. Ummm, David Hasselhoff has been passed out for years, what's new? Mariah Carey is a diva. Go figure, we pamper these people, photograph them, put them on T.V., bestow them with praise and millions of dollars for singing 2 minute songs and she is a Diva? News can be shocking people! Kim Kardashian is at a healthy weight...for somebody who needs Quick Weight Loss. Anthony Michael Hall bit his girlfriend's head...shortly after she told him being a douche bag earlier in his career has bit him in the ass. Finally, Tiger Woods may be an adulterer and an alcoholic. But the dude can gold really, really well.

Shocker of the week: Kelly Osbourne fell while performing on Dancing With the Stars (a competition). She does not believe she will win. Duh? Emily Rossum was a geek in school. Let's pretend that we know who you are Emily, what is a geek? Somebody in band? Someone who reads a lot? Yeah, pretty geeky. Paula Dean of the Food Network is dealing with aerial pork. Perhaps somebody gave her a lift? The Oprah is leaving daytiem television. Chicago is too cold. You think she would have figured that out in the 23 years the show has been there? Gosh, reality can be so shocking.

Ryan Phillippe takes a hike, and shows off his body. Mrs. Beckham Posh spice goes to yogurtland. We heard she has lots of yeast, now it is confirmed! Miley knew about her 17th part being an 80s party but it was a surprise party? I am surprised.Filmmaker and actor Tyler Perry has donated $1,000,000 to the NAACP. How about the United Negro College Fund which actually does something other than espousing hatred of all things non black? Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!

Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima has given birth. Attention VS models please stop engendering children. We love you just the way you are, no additional baggage is necessary. Sarah Palin alleges Katie Couric does not do her homework before interviews. Who knew she was back in school? This just in Spencer Pratt attacks Al Roker on Twitter. I speak for all of us when I respond with WHO? Taylor wants us to call her boyfriend Swifty...No? Call her Swifty? Oh that is not what we were thinking at all.

Bradgelina's jewelry collection features snake themed items. These are meant to represent Angelina's behavior behind Brad's back and Brad's behavior with Jennifer Aniston. Way to represent! Robin Givens has chastised the Oprah and the Oprah apologized. I think the North and South pole just reversed their polarity. There is nothing funny about domestic violence unless you laugh about it. Kellian Lutz was photographed kissing a 90210 star but claims she never dated him, she only...him.

Sarah Palin slams Katie Couric, sexy, there goes Nailin' Palin again! Daniel Radcliffe does not smoke weed, it is all just a spell cast to give the illusion he is a stoner. Matthew McConaughey is auctioning his baby's used stroller for charity. OMG what will Matt's ego ride in now? Platinum blond Lindsay Lohan's fashion line is a disaster. The same experts who predicted global warming would destroy the planet in 42 hours three weeks ago (Britain's Prime Minister Gordon Brown) forcasted a smash hit for Lohan. The only hit she took is the one from Harry Potter's bong.

Lady Gaga has a crazy new video...Anyone else tired of that redundant phrase, duh, her name is Lady Gaga morons! Cher is a time traveler...Everytime she steps out of a surgeon's office. Megan Fox is upset, girls think she is a slut. Now how could they have gotten that idea? Maybe because in a recent film you told a football player he gave you a wettie? Or maybe it is the Marilyn Manson, I mean Monroe tatoo on your arm showing respect for an adulteress? Or maybe, just maybe it is because you dress, look and talk like a slut? Puzzling, I will look into it. Fashion face-off (see Joan Rivers again), between Kim Kardashian and her stomach. The stomach won, yay! Mazel tov!

Taylor Swift has won Entertainer of the Year Award. Some are calling this too quick, we think they are making fun of the country star's name. Too bad Kanye West's career is not headed south, get it? At LAX Mike Tyson brawled with a photographer and caused him a head wound. So much for your recently won millions. Now you are going to make a donation to the Paparazzi fund of America. Easy come easy go eh Mike? Paris Hilton tweeted that she takes laxatives to lose weight and smell great, oh no? That was last year? Oh right, she went to watch "Precious" with her boyfriend. According to Paris that movie, show, whatever it is deserves as Oscar. We agree, if she means Oscar the Grouch!

Shakira is on the prowl...Look out doughnuts, seriously watch yourselves. Steven Tyler is not leaving Aerosmith. Thank goodness, I still have a chance at catching their old folks' home tour. Brittney Spears and Kim Kardashian are paid to party. Think about it, if this were not true would we ever linger in line at a supermarket again? Fergie claims that threesomes are not allowed in her marriage with Josh Duhamel. Bummer, I thought another man wanted the taste, the taste of the Fergiliciousness. Celine Dion's insemination procedure failed, but since she already has a child there is no tragedy, just disappointment.

Demi Moore has transformed her image at age 47. A recipient of botox, collagen, silicon (I mean saline), and liposuction, she has transformed from a middle aged woman to a smaller middle aged woman. If this is Demi V. 2.0, is Joan Rivers now V. 17.6? Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband over a sex tape the two made together. Apparently her ass looks larger than his entire body. Lopez is claiming that is the result of a clown mirror on the ceiling and not her bottom being bigger than her top. There are over 11 hours of footage. Jennifer Lopez was taught as a child never to ASSUME but she did and made an ass out of U and Me! Taylor Swift is shy...She can sing for millions of people but talking about love makes her shy. Her songs are about love but talking about it makes her shy. Is shy the new dumbass?

Britney's synthesizer broker so she has been forced to lip sinc on her Australian tour. Truth be told the Aussies just wanted to go down under. Taylor Lautner is not afraid of taking his shirt off. Wow, I am blown away. We have 10.2% unemployment and Taylor will take his shirt off. Deep man, you really got to me. Kathy Ireland is a billionairess. She may be the hottest woman to achieve such a distinction since the last time a gold digger married a 90 year old man. Kristen Stewart claims Rob Pattinson would make a great husband...just not for her! Ah we only kid, we know that celebrity relationships always work out!

Terrence Howard does not mix business with pleasure. Does that mean he hates making movies? Some people own businesses which provide pleasure, and this million dollar man is against having a good time. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin will host Oscars. Funny, neither one has a chance at winning anything. I guess it is better to love than to be loved! Kate Hudson loves boys, that sounds so wrong. She also loves botox and A-Rod. Are we forgetting something? Oh yes, she claims that all men want is sex and a sandwhich. How about a hoagie and a handjob instead Kate?

Jeremy Piven has grown breasts from drinking too much soymilk, that and from getting implants! Mooo. Tyra Banks claims that diets are a bunch of bologna. No wonder why she is still fat, she eats deli meats while dieting! Kirsite Alley is losing the battle of the bulge. She fought the bulge and the bulge won! Rihanna is stronger and wiser...Her bones have healed nicely and calcium has helped refortify them for when her next boyfriend beats her. Jim Carrey mistakenly thinks the ghosts of Christmas visited him. No Jim, the ghost of your career visited you, duh.

Jon Gosselin feels like the ninth child. He acts like a baby, cries like a baby and is endowed like a…baby! Lindsey Lohan is looking for a new name. We have a suggestion; how about Lindsey Dahmer? Besides, with her actions, she killed her own career! Goodness be gracious young laddie Colin Farrell has another baby boy. If he turns out as pretty as daddy perhaps he will be in a movie with an impossible to understand accent.

Hmmm…TV’s scariest characters on, you guesses it, TV! How about 90% of the sitcom actors and 99% of reality TV stars? Oh you said scariest and not dumbest? We are having trouble understanding you Colin! People dressed up as "Octomom" for Halloween. Jon Gosselin went as a baby. In fact, if we believe anything he says anymore, he went as himself!

This Halloween take comfort...Even the dead are earning more than you are! Michael Jackson is a millionaire from beyond the grave, how spooky. Hulk Hogan says that divorce almost killed him. No Terry, I mean Hulk, your heinously ugly former wife doing the pool boy almost killed you, the divorce was just the icing on the cake. Charlize Theron, Bradley Cooper, Kate Beckinsale, Ewan McGregor, Robert De Niro, and a host of other A-list celebs attended the 13th annual Hollywood Awards gala, and still, nobody cares.

Mothers lock up your sons, I mean daughters, one of the Jonas Brothers is single. Michelle and Matilda dazzle with their style even on a dreary and rainy day. Michelle is beautiful and a good mother.  Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift went on a hockey date, she even touched his puck. Shakira's body is telling her to reproduce, her phone line disintegrated from so many random calls! Gordon Ramsey undergoes chin surgery. Hope he will have one now.

Celebrities are having plastic surgery. Noses are changing, butts are rounding, gobbles are being lifted, faces and tightening, and Joan Rivers is celebrating her twentieth ninetieth birthday. Lindsay Lohan is working in fashion for free. I feel for her, no really, but she is not there! Ivanka Trump has married at the age of 27. Naomi Watts, Jennifer Connelly and Rachel McAdams movies make the most money when compared with their salaries. Even Sherlock Holmes could have figured that one out!

Justin Timberlake has been granted a retraining order against a stalker. Now who will go to to his shows? John and Jen are together, again. That rhymes people. We know know who the Mayer of that girl is. Heroine...addict, Jodie Sweetin from Full House is about to publish a tell all book. That will be so interesting, I have always wondered what it was like working with the worst actors of all time, ten years later. What do collagen and botox have in common? Tori Spelling!

Celebrities have pets…and they look snobbier than their owners! The new creatine is not creatine? What’chou talkin bout Willis? Rihanna and Chris Brown have new songs, respectively, "He beat me so bad", and "Ye dat bitch deserved it but I can’t memba what I did Larry King". Women are crazy about the homosexual Adam Lambert from American Queen, I mean Idol. How does he handle this good news? Oh well girlfriend, you already know!

Miley Cyrus does not miss Twitter but the twits sure do miss her. Rosie O’Donnells’s relationship is on the cocks, rocks. Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom really trust each other, really! So much so they have a sweet prenup, she keeps the house, $525,000.00 for every year they remain married, and a new luxury vehicle after each lease expires. Gosh, they are so in love! How come when people divorce it is asked how rich he is? Isn’t it how rich she now has become? Love is in the air!!!

Kourtney Kardashian's home has been burglarized. They shoplifted her jewelry, and her putty. Jerry Maguire references be damned! Sarah Michelle and Freddie Prinze are parents, this will be one beautiful baby. Stephanie Pratt has been arrested for drunk driving. Now we know how Tom Arnold used to feel. Never operate heavy machinery while intoxicated. Miley Cyrus is in Sex and the City Part Deux. She and Kim Catrall were spotted wearing metallic dresses. I guess lightning can strike twice in the same place!

Madonna is being sued for using her apartment as a rehearsing studio. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are romantically involved. Jen has been so amorous these past years we can't help but wonder if one size really does fit all.

Halle Berry has gone boot shopping but we only care about the fur. Tracy Morgan has written a book entitled I Am The New Black. Not only is Tracy original, he is, ummm...original? He disliked fellow SNL cast members, it is tough when your coworkers are talented, it adds so much pressure. Speaking of originality, Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce citing "irreconcilable differences". The truth is Avril's career has plummeted into obscurity and married life in one's teens is as boring as a Matt Damon movie. Megan Fox stripped to her undies for Armani. Sure wish Versace were not dead, she would go bare bones for him.

Madonna was a geek in high school. Me too, except I am not world renown and worth a billion dollars. If only A+B always =ed C...Jamie Foxx has complained that when his movies stink they are reviewed harshly on the internet forever. Perhaps it is time for the mega bust to cease acting forever. Well, in all fairness, he does not want to stink! Jessica Simpson wonders why people attack her nose jobs, dogs, relationships, acting and singing for a laugh. Well my querulous diva, it is because you are hilarious. Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield will reunite on Oprah. Tyson said the former rival will have his ear and undivided attention. Did we really just say that? Tsk, tsk...

Fergie was on ecstasy...No Ferg, you have it wrong, we were on ecstasy watching you perform! Heidi Klum and Seal gave birth to a baby penguin, I mean polar bear, I mean seal, nevermind. Robert Pattinson admits he looks ridiculous singing. Imagine how he will feel when he watches his own acting! Nick Nolte tried to reverse the trend by photographing the paparazzi photographing him. Oops, Nick forgot to sober up and take the lens cap off first.

Jon Gosselin may join the celebrity boxing foundation. That and he will go fly a kite. Hugh Grant hates everyone. We heart you too Hugh, especially the hookers you hired while dating the hottest woman on earth. Jessica Simpson says her dog is still dead. Do you really need to use this as an excuse for press coverage? Pathetic. Kagtherine Heigl adopted a baby girl from Korea. Jon Cryer did the same but refused to let the show become Three and a Half Men.

Jon Gosselin emptied his cannon, and then his bank account. Kate has no more money, until they divorce and she will take it all back. This is the problem with being on reality TV, it makes life more real.Nicole Ritchie and Tori Spelling juggle their children, all they need is a third. It just looks awkward with two. Heather Locklear is headed back to Melrose Place. Sixty is the new fifty, I mean the new 30. Yeah that's more like it. The oldest character by far fifteen years ago, she is now the...oldest character. Come on she is still hot in the right plastic surgeon's office.

Lady Gaga has cancelled her tour with Kanye West. Poor Gaga, she fell off her disco stick and showed her poker face. Seth Rogen dons the super hero get-up as the Green Hornet. Up up and cut!!! We need another rope he is too heavy...Oops did we really just say that?

Jon and Kate Plus Hate is now Kate and Eight.  So long Jon, Kate has moved on, found a new mate! Some critics are claiming that Megan Fox was a big bust on SNL. We think they are guilty of a grammatical error, see, Megan had a big bust on SNL! See rare shots of inside the Neverland Ranch. When finished looking at nude photos of little Webster (Immanuel Lewis) please flush down the vomit from the toilet bowl. Lamar Odom has married Khloe Kardashian. They only dated for one month. I guess Lamar likes voluptuous women even more than Reggie Bush. Eat your heart out Kim, we know Lamar is eating something else out!

Jaime Pressly has gone all Indian on us…Not Native America, Indian people! She married Simran Singh. Asked to sing at the wedding, Simran blurted out "How redundant". The CW has cancelled "The Beautiful Life". Apparently life is not so beautiful after all, unless you watched the show, life is wonderful now that it is gone. Kimora Lee is married to Djimon Honsou. They need to be careful here. Too many more vowels and nobody will be able to pronounce the child’s name. We only tease as we love Djimon (pronounced Digi-Mon).

Randy Quaid has been arrested for skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill. His bank account is so lonely even the Washingtons are having trouble finding each other. Jessica Simpson is embarking on an African adventure. At first fans though she was dating Kanye West, but it turns out she has signed on for a reality TV show in Africa? Reality TV is really real, REALLY! Jennifer Love Hewitt is offering dieting tips. Apparently the best method for losing weight is being caught by the Paparazzi 50 pounds overweight in a small bikini bottom. Surfs up Jennifer! Even a surf board has a hard time covering all of your waves.

There is a new Drew Barrymore…no she did not have more work done and no not more lipo. She is now not just a failed actress with six and a half fans, she is a director. Get me a Starbucks mocha chino stat! I want it now! Christian Slater has made it to forty. There is no telling how long drugs can extend a man’s life. I mean he might make it to forty one before his brain is as mushy as cream of wheat. There is no pole too high for Miley Cyrus to climb. A Patrick Swayze memoir movie is due out next week.

The Emmy Awards are where dreams live and die, and Sarah Silverman wore a...Moustache? Given her jokes it is hard to tell if she wants to have a penis. This may be why Jimmy Kimmel dumped her; she tried to take more than his man card away! Kristin Wiig is now Darth Vader's girlfriend. Does this mean Joan Rivers is dating the emperor? Does anybody else notice the irony of Neil Patrick Harris playing the star in CBS' comedy sitcom How I Met Your Mother? Did they meet in a gay bar? David Hasslehoff (he is really big in Germany right now!) has been hospitalized for excessive drinking. Hasselhoff is a fine judge of talent, women, and fine wines. Unfortunately he should have chosen the former and not the latter.

Tina Fey took home two Emmy awards. All she has to do now is to be funny. It is amazing how humour plays in the Northeast versus the rest of the country. Being ugly and "clever" does not make me laugh. She has embarrassed herself by criticizing Jay Leno for being successful. One of Leno's viewer-written monologue jokes is funnier than an entire episode of Tina Fey's show 30 Rock. Maybe she could use some wrinkle cream to help moisturize her face where the tears continue to fall. Fey also won an Emmy for her role as Sarah Palin on SNL. Too bad America wants to be Nailin' Palin but not one man wants to pay to do Fey! Tis the season to be Cougaring, la la la la la, la la la la. Hey you Demi Moore, Linda Hogan, Brooke Shields, and others, raaawwwww. You are still hot, but it may be menopause.

Jay-Z has defended his protégé Kanye West for demeaning VMA award recipient Taylor Swift. He appreciates that West spoke his mind. Let me speak mine then: you are both colossal idiots who earn millions based on sexism, stupidity and racism. You should both be thrown under the bus, anyone want to defend my comments? Hurray to an actual human being Kelly Ripa who is helping raise awareness for Breast Cancer. Katherine Heigl and her husband have adopted a 10 month old Korean boy. Kudos to the actress for making such a heroic decision. Avril Lavigne has thrown her husband out of their $9.5 million home. Do you realize what this means? The singer might come out of retirement at the old age of 22 and actually sing.

Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel have joined the A Team.  That is an awfully big step for two C-list actors.  I thought they were busy making romance films for people to watch when they come out on DVD.  You know they are terrible when guys cannot get laid taking their girlfriends to watch their movies.  Bradley Cooper is like the new Matt McConaughey, only if you can imagine it, he has even less talent.  Jessica Biel is a nice addition to the team, just not the A team, but to a team for sure. 

Kanye West is so rude...I thought for sure he would offer Taylor Swift to be her Romeo, instead he is her daddy (he said stay away from Juliette). Whitney Houston has called ex-husband Bobby Brown her drug. What she really means is Bobby Brown is now a pop-culture metaphor for cocaine. Lady Gaga has a taste for fashion...extreme. When audience members wondered if she felt embarrassed by her own outfit they were unable to get any indication from the pop star...she had her poker face on!

Megan Fox's new movie Jennifer's Body is being criticized because fans wanted to see Megan's body! Rest assured fans that the diva's body is more than on display. The Jay Leno Show is finally here and not a millisecond too soon. Conan O'Brien is a giant dud. NBC executives are so thankful Leno has returned they have given him every liberty he wanted. Welcome back Jay Walk All Stars, hello Headlines. In terribly sad news Patrick Swayze lost the battle with pancreatic cancer and has died tonight. No satire here, just a heartful we will miss you and than you for the eternal memories.

Jon Gosselin was a victim...of abuse. Poor Jon. His wife Kate used harsh words with him. He must have been so traumatized he started sleeping with other women and handing out hundred thousand dollar rings. Hey people, everybody recovers differently. He goes to his happy place, such as the thongs only pool parties at the MGM Grand. Come to think of it, ain't life grand? When I donated to the Victims of Domestic Abuse I never thought Jon Gosselin would be the recipient. You live, you learn.

OMG OMG OMG without a comma. Kim Catrall (50 years old) revealed her ex-boyfriend Smith Jerrod will be returning for the Over Fifty Sex and the City sequel. In the movie she will combat wrinkles, osteoparosis and menopause. Audiences will combat the urge to leave the theater, men will fight the urge to gouge their eyes out. Kellie Pickler (Taylor Swift's sidekick) has a crush on Clint Eastwood. When asked for a comment Clint Eastwood said "I am nearly ninety and I don't give a damn." Ok that is not what he said, but in our opinion Kellie Pickler is a great name for someone who expect a 90 year old to achieve an...Tila Tequila (no it really is her name, we are not kidding) has accused her boyfriend Shawne Merriman of the San Diego Chargers of strangling her. What she failed to let the police know is that she is bisexual and she loved every minute of it.

Audrina Patridge is leaving The Hills. Apparently she is moving on to greener pastures. Celine Dion is pregnant with her second child. Her manager/lover/octogenarian husband is a busy man. There are more than a few gentlemen who would pay good money to hear that high note on special occasions. Jon Gosselin hosted a pool party at the MGM Grand this past weekend. Among those in attendance were Jon's hair plugs, his ego, his brief popularity, and his pay per day girlfriend.

Megan Fox has no problem with committment, it is just relationships she takes issue with! Chris Brown told Larry King that he does not remember beating his pregnant ex-girlfriend Rihanna. He only remembers the good times prior to the fun infanticide episode. Somebody quick, help Chris, he has son-nesia. And I thought he would remember for-eva eva eva and eva. ATTENTION, ATTENTION, Regis Philbin is never allowed to go topless again. You look like a copy of a Halloween costume worn too many times and wrinkled from lack of a hanger.

Queen Latifah talks weight loss, but actions speak louder than words. Rush Limbaugh responded to his mention in a Jay-Z rap song by noting President Obama's health care plan mandates circumcisions. Talk about a stinging rebuttal! Patrick Stump, lead singer of Fallout Boy was arrested this week for driving without a license. When did a license ever get in the way of greatness? Yay, America loves Milie Cyrus on a pole. More specifically 50 % of Americans would love her to be on their pole. Damn this gender gap.