Screen Spotlight

George Clooney's girlfriend has a name you know! She's not just some trophy model he picked up out of obscurity! Stacey Kiebler showed off her killer legs? OMG is George Clooney alright? Is he safe? Why should only super models have fun with fashion? Maybe because they look good? Is that a real question? Madonna lip synched at the Super Bowl. Duh, she's 53 and that's like 90 in Hollywood years. Brook Shields opens up her townhouse. That's fine but I have other plans, sorry Brook. Kiebler tells Clooney it's Italy or me. Who the hell is Italy? Jessica Simpson is nauseas all day every day. So are her fans. Kim Kardashian has hit rock bottom. I didn't know anyone was big enough to...Lindsay Lohan was thought to have been drunk because she looked bedraggled and desperate. PEOPLE THAT'S HER REGULAR LOOK! Scarlett Johansson is moving to London to avoid Blake Lively. Why not just hang out at the library? You'll never find Lively there. Marc Anthony believes J-Lo is his soulmate...and he would lose everything in the divorce, but mostly that soulemate thing. Angelina Jolie cheated on Brad Pitt after their first film together. Snooki isn't pregnant she's just big boned. Will Smith and Jada have split up the kids. Finally, Jennifer Aniston is too good for Justin Theroux, and mostly because he's French.

Jamie Lynn Spears says "the hateful comments hurt"...almost as bad as the herpes and the freaking contractions. What is Blake Lively looking for in a man? Confidence. Damn, she has low standards. Scarlett Johansson has a new man? Is a 38 year old really that new? Olivia Wilde used food to cope with divorce? I didn't know vomiting heals the soul. If Kim Kardashian shops til she drops has she fallen yet? Donald Trump wants to be in Mitt Romney's cabinet? Did he mean closet? Deion Sanders never offered cash for ass. He offered a house. Lindsay Lohan insists she didn't booze after the SAG awards. She boozed beforehand, duh.

Kim Kardashian has debuted a new hair color but how can we see it? Sofia Vergara is the most desirable woman of 2012? Um, isn't it January? Can we at least wait until tomorrow to make this announcement? Halle Berry spends a day at the beach and I still do not care. Scherzinger and Jones have parted ways with the X-Factor. That is Simon Cowell for "you suck, nobody likes you, get out". Are Miley and Liam still linked? Only if they're pinked. Terrell Owens has suggested "he don't have no friends." Does that mean he has lots of friends or he can't speak English? Jennifer Lopez does not know if she will remarry. Neither does anybody she is currently throttling (see Casper Smart for details). Octavia Spencer admits her weight is not healthy. Then why are you so fat? How romantic, Rachel McAdams never spends more than 3 weeks without Michael Sheen. That's great but how much time does she spend with him? Mike Tyson will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. This guy is doing better in retirement than he ever did in the ring!

Kim K the porn star, Kim K the model, Kim K the Playboy pictorialist, Kim K the actress? I thought she always faked it? Turns out the new sleaze show "Drop Dead Diva" has hired her. If only they meant that literally. James Franco might try to look like Hugh Heffner but James, you need a personality to act like him! Why is Demi Moore like a used car? Lots of people have driven her, but in the end, she gets replaced for a newer model. Go inside celebrity kitchens? Wait, don't they mean "come" inside celebrity kitchens? Amanda Seyfried or Malin Akerman? Doesn't Akerman look like she smoked 12 packs of cigarettes a day? Lindsay Lohan is being sued for hitting a pedestrian while driving her Maserati....Dear Hugh Heffner, if I show my boobs in a pictorial can I get a Maserati too? Pat Sajak and Vanna White used to do Wheel of Fortune Drunk? Nope, they just plain stunk. Selena Gomez goes to jail in her next feel as a drunkard. Is she portraying Lindsay Lohan? Gerard Butler doesn't remember having sex with Brandi whatshername? That is shameful Mr. Butler. If I scissored Brandi I would remember it!

How many Kardashians can I name? Only the ones I've...Hmmm, seriously, how many? Well there's Khloe Simpson, I mean Kardashian, Kardashian. Potter stars look to life without wands? Oh my goodness it's like their magic is gone. Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance in the middle of a weird speech. In other words, it could have happened to him anywhere. Arethra Franklin calls off her wedding? I guess she wasn't getting any S-E-X-Y-T (T stands for time). Alassandra Ambrosia flaunts her baby bump on the Vicky S runway. Hey girl, whatever passes for bigger tits is fine by me. Angelina Jolie ignored Stacey Kiebler on her private jet. If I had Stacey Kiebler on a  private jet I wouldn't be ignoring her. President Obama is calling Congress the "do-nothing" Congress. Does that mean we should call the President a Do-Nothing leader? Isn't a leader supposed to work with Congress? Nah, that wouldn't play well in a focus group. Daniel Radcliffe said that critics want him to fail. Dude, it's not like your Snooki who's too big to fail. Steven Tyler's scarf is a sensation. Just when he starts hallucinating the scarf keeps him in touch...with what I have no idea. Vanessa Paradis says "In the winter I separate, in the summer I (fill in the blank people!)". How come Salmon Rushdie only gets death threats? How about a marriage proposal once in a while?

A newly shaven (if you know what I mean) Marc Anthony and J-Lo have placed their less than amicable divorce on hold. Apparently they are waiting for Casper Smart to stop plugging J-Lo...'s new album first. George Clooney is uncomfortable hanging out with the "boring" Angelina Jolie. He prefers to be alone with Brad Pitt (don't we all!). You think Angelina is boring? Just wait until you are alone with Stacey Kiebler, Zing! Is O.J. Simpson Khloe Kardashian's real father? That would explain why she is so damned ugly. Demi Moore is concerned that Ashton will make public her love letters and sex notes. That's great and all but where is the home sex tape? Sandra Bollocks wants to marry Ryan Reynolds. Oh oh pick me, marry me, pick me. Pretty please with a face lift on top! Russell Brand is writing a tell-all book about his 14 month marriage to Katy Perry. Blimey mate is your acting career over already? Ryan Seacrest wants to be reunited with Simon Cowell on the X-Factor. He feels underappreciated on American Idol. And, like, his job is so important. Who else could possibly read from a teleprompter. Oh wow, this idea just in, President Obama can be on American Idol, OMG OMG. Jennifer Aniston desperate to have Brad Pitt back. Are Taylor Swift and Zac Efron in love? Does Hugh Jackman have huge snowballs? All of these questions will be answered in our next gossip column...Or maybe not.

See Jersey Shore's Snooki without makeup? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. David Hasselhoff has a dog?Does the dog have a drinking problem too? David Beckham has resigned with the LA Galaxy. Maybe that's because he's out of this world. Zooey Deschanel tells "Allure" magazine she is not cool. No kidding. Is Dakota Fanning Pretty in Pink? There's only one way to find out! The Gap versus Kim Kardashian? Is that a metaphor? Mark Wahlberg said he would have taken down the terrorists on 9/11. Yeah, or shit his pants. Nice comment Funky bunch. Are Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis over? I guess the actor spent one too many nights in paradise for his own good. On Tuesday President Food Stamps will deliver the State of the Union address. Here is a pre-pre-transcript. "Uhhhh, ommmm, huh, ehhhhhhh the economy was even worse than we thought. So we uhhh, made it worse. And then the republicans suggest we haven't done enough, uhhhhhh...now, ummmm...that's just not true."Eva Longoria is having the Tony Parker tattoo removed from her neck. Well what about that big tattoo above her ass? Snoop Dogg is addicted to "Snoop Dogg master kush" marijuana. Quick, somebody get this man to a recording studio!

 

Matt LeBlanc calls his first post-Friends Golden Globe nomination "Gravy". We call it bad judgment. Bustin Jieber now is a brunette. Who is it that loves changing their hair color and wearing earrings? Oh yeah, girls. Kelsey Grammer and his wife are expecting twins. Good news, they only have a 50% chance of having a drinking problem. Bada bing! Sofia Vergara wore pricey earrings to the Golden Globes. What? In this economy? "See Britney Spears' Son Shake His Groove Thing" ? Ummm, no thanks, I prefer watching adults! Should Charlie Sheen be banished to Siberia? Is that what they call sex addiction camp? While Madonna looks like a skeleton on laxatives, Cameron Diaz looks like a skeleton with guns! I will take that six pack to go! Kim Kardashian realizes she is unhappy in marriage? Really? Did that take you all day to figure out?

Lindsay Lohan has had a makeover. What is her secret recipe? Add 1/2 cup vermouth, 1 lime, 2 pinches of salt (cocaine),a prison uniform and a Playboy spread. Obama, Pitt and Jolie what in the oval office? Confab? Is that Dutch for getting freaky? Speaking of Lohan she owes 94K in taxes. I didn't know you had to pay taxes when you had no career. Talk about a funny headline, "Michelle Obama Slams Angry Black Woman Accusation". She slams it? Gosh she sounds like an angry woman. Ashton Kutcher wants to return to Two and a Half Men. It is a really good show too...without Ashton Kutcher. Let me get this straight? He brought in a younger audience to watch a show about 40 something drunks? Ummm, cool dude,/bra. LMAO, Channing Tatum says "I know I'm not the best actor". My god, we have another reason to love him other than for his buns (fresh out of the bakery), he is honest. Justin Timberlake debuts a beard...and then he asks his fiancée to shave! Oh, bada bing! Is Brad Pitt having a baby with another woman? Is it J-Lo? Jennifer Aniston? Roseanne? Nope, Kim Kardashian (just kidding folks). Clooney the womanizer, Clooney the stud, and now Clooney the saint? He is putting Lindsay Lohan in his next movie to help give her a break. Jada Pinkett-Smith has a high powered divorce attorney. Is there such a thing as a low powered divorce attorney? Oh baby (literally), Rihanna and Chris Brown are reuniting for some more loving. Is Kanye West doing Kim Kardashian? If not, he is the only one. Mariah Carey might become an X-Factor judge and why not, everyone else that has lost their talent decades ago. Sandra Bullock hearts (hates) Matt Lauer. Lady Gaga recently bathed in blood...Ummm, that's what tampons are for sweetie. Jennifer Lopez wants to run away with the dumbest man on the planet named, get this, Casper Smart.

Russell Brand just knows he and his ex wife Katy Perry will remain friends...even though they are not talking and have attorneys, everything is going to be great! Sigourney Weaver of Kristen Bell? Wait, you mean 1980s Weaver? Or 2012 Weaver? A bulging Christina Aguilera says that her boyfriend loves her body. Hey, more cushion for the pushin', that's fine by me. Will Jennifer Lopez return to In Living Color? She's already been covered in white, so why not? Nick Cannon is being released from jail, I mean the hospital really soon. Jay-Z raps about the birth of his daughter? Why not a ballad? A poem? Even a stanza? Ah forget it. Snoop Dogg has been arrested for weed. Really? After all these years that's what he gets busted for? Deion Sanders' wife never cheated on him and she can prove it...How? Can we offer a suggestion? LeAnn Rimes looks hot in a mini-bikini. Finally, Elin Nordgren is so rich...How rich is she? She is so rich that she is wrecking her old mansion and building the same mansion where the old one used to be. Boom.

Kyle Richards says "if you cheat once don't tell", and we say "if you cheat once tweet about it, if you cheat twice facebook it, and if you cheat 3 times you are Jesse James." Wait, a baby came out of that? Jessica Alba's beach body issmoking...hot, no really, she vacations in warm weather destinations. Aretha Franklin is engaged to the only man that gave her some rea l l l y go oooood lovin. Ewww, Olivia Wilde is with Jason Sudeikis? What's next Eurkle and that girl he had a crush on? Angelina bought Brad a waterfall. Um honey, where's my freaking blue lagoon? Carnie Wilson says battling weight is a struggle. Gosh Carnie, where would we be without you? Kevin Bacon is so fetch in a bikini. Yes, I like to play golf, so what!? Terrence Howard must think all women are stupid...well he only dates blondes now.

Real Housesluts star Brandi Glanville has a quickie...wedding. Mirando Kerr or Rachel Bilson? One is in Bloom (or is it theother way around?) and one is hotter than a hot air balloon's motor. Eva Longoria says she became "so thin" after her divorce. Nobody ever says they read a book, always that they became skinny. Enrique Iglesias loves taking his shirt off. I do too, but the paparazzi isn't here right now. In one of the most revealing conversations in the annals of history Katy Perry and Russell Brand said the following: "She was like, 'F--k you. I'm going to do my own thing.' Russell retorted, 'Fine, f--k you too,. " I told Jessica Simpson to keep her chin up but now she has two of them! Gwyneth Paltrow told me to try a Mercy health drink. It's got like, amino acids and stuff in it. Stacey Kiebler's New Year's Resolution? "To stay centered and balanced and to breathe." Yeah, that breathing part comes in handy. Finally, what is my New Year's Resolution? To write more gossip, help me out Hollywood, do something stupid, like you always do.

 

Marc Anthony is furious that his 45 year old cougar, I mean wife, is sleeping with a 24 year old dunce. He is so mad he might take supplements (Viagra) to win her back. Are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel engaged? Who cares. Angelina Jolie is driving Brad Pitt crazy. If I had a 95 pound wife worth 200 million dollars she can just plain drive me. JustinBieber loves the playboy mansion? Of course he does, it's just us girls. The Kardashians exploit child labor in China? I thought they exploited African labor in the U.S.? Too far? Ok we concede. RPattz and KStew (the idiot's nickname for Kristen Stewart) are flaunting other people. Vampires can be so catty. No wonder werewolves hate them. Taylor Swift is worried her weight it preventing her from winning over a gentleman? Uh honey, hate to break it to you but it's not your weight that's the issue. Hillary Duff decorated her baby bumps for Christmas? What's next painting your warts? Kate Middleton shows more than just her bottom, she shows her soft side...thought that might be the same thing.

A nun famous for kissing Elvis prays for a miracle? Yeah, like not going to hell! Will Smith reunites with the Fresh Prince of Bel Air cast and it turns out Carlton is still a midget. No place like home for Justin Bieber? Yeah, he can stay in the closet all the time. Trump has taken credit for discovering Lady Gaga? Donald, you are not the first man to accidentally hook up with a tranny, get over it. Adam Lambert has been arrested in Holland. What, was he wearing too much makeup or parfum? Nope, he was incarcerated for arguing with his boyfriend. It happens to everyone. Basketball fans are booing Kris Humphries. They must be jealous they are the only people in the world that have not been with Kim Kardashian yet. Anthony Weiner welcomes a boy. It's little Weiner! Want to see half naked hot people? Wait, I will take off my shirt. Pretty soon Mel Gibson will be single. Ladies, if you have no teeth or even bad teeth he is quite a catch.

For a celebrity that has had only five jail sentences, five stints in rehab and 2 drunken driving arrests Lyndsay Lohan has abad rep! Jerry Maguire makes Matt Damon cry. It was the first time he realized he is ...Sunday Night Football averaged 16.8 million viewers. Funny, I thought they would be watching porn instead. Lamar and the hog formerly known as Khloe are headed to Dallas. They have lots of pigs in that state. Nicky Hilton versus Nicole Ritchie. Who's richer again? Angelina Jolie fasts for the children of starving countries. Umm, maybe you should feed them instead of mutual starvation? Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are engaged. He is so gay (happy) now. Asston Kutcher is afraid Demi Moore will tell the world about his threesomes and foursomes and other sexual escapades. Me too, I might feel really jealous. Lady Gaga is obsessed with lady Bi. I mean Lady Di. Lohan is joining Celebrity Big Brother. Regular Big Brother just wasn't enough. Tim Tebow's pastor says God is saving the Denver Broncos. God and the defensive line. Lohan almost missed her court date because she was stranded in Hawaii. I hate it when that happens to me! New Year's Eve Drops the Ball? Oh how clever, how can we ever top that one?!

Just when I thought one less boob, Juliana Rancic must undergo a double mastectomy. Will Stevie Wonder join Dancingwith the Stars? If he falls off the stage does he get to continue automatically? Justin Timberlake does not want to marry Jessica Biel. Neither does anybody else! Demi Moore has a new boyfriend, or as they say at her age, he’s her old man. Jennifer Aniston has called her man neurotic. She is so good at projection she doesn’t even need a screen. Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Dicklick are getting married. For what friends have to say about that go to another website and find out. Kris Humphries might be gay? What signs are there other than he likes Justin Bieber and he plays with balls all day? Kristen will take a year off, marry Robert Pattinson and then have little RPattz’s. Angelina Jolie only has 600 calories a day. Sorry Brad, you’re off the menu. Katy Perry is headed for a divorce. Russell Brand is headed for a Deeevooooooors. Sandra Bullock is having work done…Don’t the words headache and beauty queen just belong in the same sentence? Madonna will sing at the super bowl. Who will be assigned to dust her off? Lady Gaga is considering a 450 date world tour. How many of her dates will score? Taylor Swift calls her next album very different. Amazing, we thought it would be the same album, this is a surprise!

Roger Ebert has gone on a Hi Anus (spelling?). Gwyneth Paltrow was a least influential person this year. What was she last year? A doormat? A stepping stone? A rolling stone? Did she gather any moss? Gary Busey and Flava Flav will join the celebrity wife swap. They are taking their civic duty to recycle a little too far. Asked for comment the wives agreed both men even taste nutty. Jessica Simpson busts out? Are there photos? Can I at least take a peak? Ashton Kutcher was swarmed by girls in Iowa. Ashton Kutcher is from IOWA? Daniel Craig says the Kardashians behave like idiots. Tell us how you really feel Daniel! Courtney Love is Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety coach? LOL, no comment. Brad Pitt told a suicidal costar that life is up and down. With that advice I would probably go through with it. Way to go Tony Robbins! What a douche. Britney Spears is 30. Her bald head is five. Her crotch shots are 6. Her trailer trash makeover is 30. Souldja Boy carried weed and a gun in the same briefcase. That’s like ketchup and mustard in the same bottle. Did Kim’s naked yoga session end her marriage? If it didn’t it should have! I just needed to stretch it out honey. All Justin Bieber wants for Christmas is Mariah Carey…’s man.

Kirsten Dunst says it’s harder to dress if you have boobs. Then why do I have so much trouble? Must be the old moobs getting in the way. ScottDicklick (sp?) has impregnated the other other Kardashian sister whatshername. Lady Gaga said “I have an inability to know what happiness feels like with a man”. Maybe that’s because you are a man. I’m just saying. Jeremy Renner says that Tom Cruise was a great mentor and lover…I mean stud…I mean champion. What a Freudian slip? I said one thing but what I really meant was my mother. Anne Hathaway flashes her…engagement ring? Lame. George Clooney wants to play Steve Jobs. That’s pretty harsh man, Jobs is already dead. You can portray him though if you like! Cracks have widened between Kristen Stewart and RPattz. He must be bigger than we thought. Beyonce is wearing phony breasts. For the record we would be happy to examine them just to make sure. DiCaprio misses Blake Lively…and making good movies. Angelina Jolie is still fascinated by blood? Guess she should have kept Billy Bob’s blood necklace. Or better yet, save your tam…not going there. A psychic convinced Demi Moore to end her marriage? Our prediction? A divorce. Kim Kardashian is going to get married again…to Kris Humphries. Will somebody deport her already?

Anne Hathaway is engaged. He looks like Ryan Gosling but he performs like George Clooney, if you know what I mean? No? Then ask Stacey Kiebler!Eat like a star? I like more than 20 calories a day, thanks. Adam Levine says yoga will give you a killer body. Yeah, like when you break your arm stretching backwards. Nicole Scherzinger has been on every diet known to man…and some known to women too. Miley Cyrus calls herself a “stoner” and a “pothead”. We prefer the terms marijuanally challenged and moron. Demi Moore’s daughters are names Rumer, Scout and Tallulah. Why not bing, bang and bong? The headline reads “Rosie O’Donnell and her girlfriend double team a hog”. Shame on you TMZ! It turns out Ryan Gosling wants to make love for Eva! That’s right, Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are getting hot in Paris. Which is odd since it’s winter time. Anyone want to see Maggie Gyllenhaal’s baby bumb? Me neither. Kim Kadashian says she is a hopeless romantic…and a sl*t. Kate Gosselin denies facelift rumors but says nothing about breast and anal implants. Reese Witherspoon has a broken finger. Did she accidentally hit it against her chin? Conrad Murray killed Michael Jackson! On the upside, he may have deserved it.

Angelina Jolie is lucky she didn’t die young. So is Brad Pitt, but Jennifer Aniston doesn’t agree! The actress claims she is a “bad girl”. Meow, growl, and umm…splunk. Justin Bieber took a paternity suit. Is that like a birthday suit only for men? Amanda Seyfried looks great walking a dog. Now if only she would like to see my pony show. OMG OMG OMG Justin Bieber at iHop. I am so eating pancakes tonight. Of all the bad ideas she has come up with (and there have been a lot), Jessica Simpson let herself be photographed without makeup. Roseanne says that menopause has made her nicer. Weird, she went through menopause 15 years ago. Jason Segel says “this body was made to dance”. Unfortunately we would like to seek a second opinion. Since Prince Harry’s night club babe cannot get into Buckingham Palace he tried to put Buckingham Palace in her! The real question is did he make her smile? Nicki Minaj announces Pink Friday. We couldn’t agree more. Snookie turns 24. Her breasts are just free. A recent poll shows that 72% of Americans would rather have sex with The Rock over John Cena…and that’s just the guys!

Will Demi Moore take Ashton’s fortune? Good luck! “Kunis was down to earth at ball”? She can come down at balls any time. Prince Harry went clubbing three nights in a row. Now that’s what I call royalty! Did Breaking Dawn scare off dudes? Not those kinds of dudes! See Chaz Bono for details.

Are we being punked? Nope, it's Demi Moore who got plunked. She decided to look up the word "cougar" in the dictionaryBradley Cooper has been named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive”. Is there an award for the sexiest man that’s dead? Congratulations Bradley Cooper, we hope your false teeth and hair transplant (from your ass) are happy about this announcement. Justin Bieber is not the father of the Lindberg baby. When gay marriage is legalized in more states he will look into adoption. A pregnant Hillary Duff wants to keep wearing tighter things? Why so we can see her stuff? Amy Adams says she has a “muffin top”. Is that code word for her V? If so, many P’s are not excited. How come at the Breaking Dawn premier Jacob and Edward look more in love with each other than with Bella Crane? I mean Swan, Swan. Heather Locklear is no longer engaged. And the world keeps turning. I go to Seventeen for all my beauty secrets. They told me to get waxed but I don’t like it shaved. Heavy D’s autopsy results are inconclusive? Let me clear up the mystery, he was fat. Anytime we hear quickie and Kim Kardashian in the same sentence we cannot help but to think of Lindsay Lohan. Yup, we just said that. Leo DiCaprio spends all his time in Sydney away from Blake Lively. I guess he wanted to go down under but she came out on top!

22 sperm wash ashore? Is this a story of Lindsay Lohan the morning after? Nope, it’s a story about sperm whales, i.e. Ricki Lake and Kirstie Alley. Jay Z will change his baby’s diapers? How about changing his own first? Kate Von D says that Jesse James cheated on her with 19 women…and they would have broken up if he exceeded 20. Brad Pitt will leave acting in 3 years. Brad can we make it two? I hate odd numbers. Kim K’s publicist Jaxson is being sued for breaching a confidentiality agreement. Let’s face it folks, once we’ve seen Kim naked is anything really confidential anymore? J Lo has a new man in her life and his name is Casper. Is he a ghost? Nope. Is he pale? Nope. He just has a stupid name. Rihanna is pregnant. Well look at the bright side. If she calls Chris Brown she won’t have to keep canceling concerts. Did Robert Pattinson go on dates with Ashley Greene behind Kristen’s back? I guess he wanted to give water to more than one elephant! Angelina Jolie caught Brad checking out racy photos of his co star online. At least they weren’t in his cell phone Ange! Selena Gomez broke it off with the Biebs after his pregnancy scandal. Eric Johnson wants 500 million dollars or he will not marry Jessica Blimpson. I would marry her for 100 million. Click, just sent her my photo, will let you know how she replies. Blake Lively would stop making love to Ryan Reynolds if Leo DiCaprio calls her. Talk about loyalty! What sort of plastic surgery should Britney Spears have on her 30th birthday? Lobotomy! Will Brad and Jennifer present an award together? Will a giant asteroid collide with earth? There is only one way to find out. Read my next gossip column!

Lindsay Lohan’s spread is tasteful? Yummy, slurp. Kim Richards’ “weird antics” were caused by prescription meds? Then what caused her to needmeds? The Duggars are expecting their 20th child. They have more sex than any married couple ever! This just in, Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy pictorial will allow fans to see another side of the actress...yeah the back side! Dancing with the Stars contestants have spray tans. If only they could have spray talent or spray brains. Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne have been bloodied. I told them to wait until after the cycle but did they listen? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s kids have grown? Really? I thought they were going to shrink. Brett Ratner should not host the Oscars because he called a gay interviewer a fag? What should he have called him? A homo? He’s a homo! An Emergency Alert System will be tested soon. Beep beep beep Buck Rodgers.

Lindsay Lohan checks into jail and then immediately cheks ot of jail. Talk about a full day’s work. Will somebody please pay me $1,000,000 to appearnaked? And not Monopoly money either! Justin Bieber will take a paternity test. This will not be his first time peeing on a stick. Miss Venezuela has been named Miss World. What’s next Miss Universe? Kim. K has flown to Kris Humpme’s home town…and she’s not wearing any underwear. No not because it’s sexy to go Kommando, but because nobody s sponsoring Kim to wear panties! Kelly Osbourne is being treated for a head injury? Judging by the looks of things this story is 10 years late. Demi Moore had sex in the back of her car with Ben Hollingsworth. We have only one question. What kind of car was it? Jennifer Lopez is using Bradley Cooper. Sounds like a Dirty Lopez. Oh? That’s a Dirty Sanchez? Who can keep track. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves recently had an intimate rendezvous. What does rendezvous mean again? George Clooney gave Stacey Kiebler crabs. Yes, they were imported fresh! You people and your dirty minds. Jessica Simpson is having twins. Tweedle Dumbass and Tweedle Dumbass the II. Robert Pattinson Tried to be up Chris Hemsworth. Yeah Rob, good luck with that. And just for the record, Thor’s hammer is bigger. If you don’t believe us just ask Kristen. Taylor Swifts breasts have been exposed. Turns out they are made of cellulite. Yeah you heard me!

A new survey of Obamaville shows that 20% of all men 18-25 live with mommy and daddy. Good lord, this is killing my access to milfs! Matthew McConaughey turns 42, his Botox is just 18. Kathy Griffin turns 52, her lesbianism is just 52. Diddy turns 42, his idiot nickname is just 16. The 47 year old Vivica Fox is no longer engaged. I always said if you like it you should have put a ring around it. But I wasn’t referring to marriage. There will be a Dirty Dancing remake…yeah in my bedroom at 11:00 tonight. No release date has been set for that one! I think leather is too much to suit Jennifer Aniston’s whole body. With her personality we think vinyl or pleather would have been more appropriate. J-Lo fired her manager for advising her to lose weight. Apparently cougars are not just all bark! Eddie Murphy is Hollywood’s most overpaid star. I thought that was the freak show formerly known as Johnny Depp? Hugh Jackman has Bieber fever? Oh now Hugh, we think you might be on the wrong track…Chaz Bono will die in four years says the Enquirer? Why not today? Kevin Federline is no longer just white trash in name, he has a 50 pound beer gut. Hillary Swank hangs out with warlords? You can take the trailer out of the trash but…

Justin Bieber is being accused of having fathered a child. Men can get pregnant? Lindsay Lohan has been sent back to prison for failing to complete her community service hours. From what we hear, she likes it prison style. E! did not orchestrate the Kardashian wedding. E did. Tyra Banks remembers her teen years…yeah like when clothes fit. Kim K has ditched her 20.5 K diamond ring. I can’t even afford one carrot. Zooey Deschanel is getting a divorce. Can you hear that? A pin just dropped. Scarlett Jo says there is nothing wrong with shooting a porno. Her nude pictures were meant for her sex husband Ryan Reynolds. Then why aren’t you in porn and why can I see your bum bum on Google? Jessica Simpson is angry that people scrutinize her for gaining weight. It’s not like she has a billion dollar skinny clothes line or anything. Brittany Spears’ Halloween family portrait? Three drunks and a pumpkin. Kim K loves the United States census. So much she emulated it in her love life. Seven blacks, three whites and a Hispanic! Did Herman Cain sexually harass anyone? No but he offered to show her his 9-9-9- plan if you know what I mean!

Nikki J stunned me in her gown…with a taser. Richard Simmons dressed like a fat woman for Halloween? Nope, he does that every day at home. Would I dress like Zooy Deschanel? If I had no taste. Did Brook Mueller expose her breasts? If not, can she? Ellen, seriously, like girls all you want, but I want to drive your Portia. She has a new audience since Oprah decided to retire to a food colony. Paula Abdul or Sandra Bullock? Are the lights off? Justin Timberlake has a crush on Pippa Middleton. Me too after seeing photos of her bottom and her top on Google. Winona Rider used to date Johnny Depp and Matt Damon. Now she dates BOB. Tyra Banks remembers her teen years before she ate all of her bras and panties and they failed to digest. Snooki is looking skinner these days? What will happen when the last of her brain cells shrink? Lindsay Lohan debuts a new smile, right next to her landing…

Kim K pumps iron? I thought dildos were supposed to be flexible? Kate Middleton has a three inch scar on her forehead. One should not give headwhen not in bed. Elton John loves the gay marriage law. Me too, now they can learn the joy of divorce just like the rest of us. Leona Lewis or Rosario Dawson? Both. At the same time. Yup, you just read that. Eddie Murphy thinks David Spade is a douche. Good call Eddie. Anne Hathaway looks like she stole my grandfather’s glasses. In her defense they were cool in 1936. Prince Harry has done two incredible things for a prince. First, he shops at Walmart. Second, he looks like Will Ferrell. Jennifer Lopez has a little sister Lynda. Unlike Chaz Bono she is still Lynda from the block, she used to have a little cock, now she’s got a lot! Bruce Willis and his wife are expecting? Expecting what the doorbell to ring? Hi it’s Demi. Michael Lohan jumps off a balcony. Too bad he landed. Steven Tyler has no teeth. I thought he had no brain. What keeps this guy alive? A sex toy company wants Lindsay Lohan to: A. Stop using their stuff, B. Pose naked with a demonstration, or C. Be their cover girl for vibrators? In a perfect world, all three.

Reportedly Lindsay Lohan will pose in Playboy magazine for one million cajillion dollars. We thought she had lost her mind but apparently her clothes too. Kevin Bacon likes the new Footloose even though he wasn’t invited. You can watch it at my house Kevin I have a screener! Frankie Muniz is engaged. For more information on who Frankie Muniz is go ask someone who cares. Oh this is a special and groin warming story. The cast of Glee has worked on the “Trevor” project to provide special services to transsexuals. I got your special services right here. Robin Williams is married again. Can anybody s-p-e-l-l V-I-A-G-R-A? Is Jessica Simpson pregnant? Hard to tell what she would look like not pregnant if you ask me. If the Jersey Shore house rents for $2,500 a night how come my renters only pay $800 a month? The Jerry Maguire kid turns 21? How much does his head weigh? Not that head sickos. 12% of America likes Cameron Diaz’s arms, but we like her whole body (butterface, just kidding geeze). Jennifer Aniston’s abs won next to a landslide? Hey leave her boobs alone. 5% of America likes Tom Hank’s body. Now I never need to learn another statistic ever again.

Jennifer Lopez explains crying at a concert? Did she have her period? Nope, she’s post-menopausal. Miley Cyrus and her mom go shopping for Halloween costumes. I thought they would just go as themselves, they already have the teeth and masks. President Obama will make it easier to refinance home mortgages? So people can stay in homes they can’t afford by remortgaging to rates they can’t afford? This guy is like the Joker from the first Batman. Chord Overstreet? Is returning to Glee? I am officially changing my name to Wilhelm but you can call me Shoestring. Was I in tears at that J-Lo concert? Yeah because of how bad it was. Kim dated Nick Lachey? Mainly I would like to focus on her age, 31. She better get married soon or else. No I mean really married. Kris Humphries never really loved her, he just had sex with her repeatedly. Ryan Seacrest is headed for a split, and we do mean that literally, wink. Is Demi Moore suicidal? If Ashton Kutcher left me I would be happier than ever, but I would never date him in the first place, it’s not like I am Ryan Seacrest. Justin Bieber cheated on Selena Gomez with a young man, I mean model. Nick Cannon is jealous of Mariah’s personal trainer. I guess the old Canon is firing blanks? Ryan Reynolds dumped Sandra Bullock for Blake Lively. The only think lively on Blake is her…Anybody like to drink Yoo-hoo?If Lindsay Lohan is doing community service does that really mean a gang bang? George Clooney says politics is cynical. What would we do without your insight genius? Carson Kressley is going to keep dancing…in a strip club. Katie Holmes is a mom and not just an actress. Can anyone else hear the balloon deflating. Jonah Hill splits from his longtime girlfriend whatshername. I have two questions. Jonah Hill had a girlfriend? And, somebody actually had sex with Jonah Hill? If Lindsay Lohan has to clean up blood spills at the morgue doesn’t the judge think he should court order some tampons? Too far? No such thing. Joan Rivers sold Demi Moore down the river. Ashton Kutcher just dumped her. Should Lindsay Lohan really be in jail? Only if they allow conjugal visits.

Kelsey Grammer says that Camille married Frasier. So she had two husbands? Did she have two sets of children? Creepy, ewww. Selena Gomez has put out a restraining order against a man. That scratches Justin Bieber off the list. An unnamed assailant beat the crap out of Shia LaBoeuf. Let’s go ahead and name the man right now: My Hero! If Jennifer Aniston wears plunging dresses does that mean she would like to be my plumber? Flush it down Jen, flush it down real good. Who would ever have guessed a rapper named “Souildja Boi” would wind up in prison on gun and drug charges? Nick Cannon says that fatherhood is amazing, it’s the marriage that sucks! Clooney showed Kiebler the red carpet. Or is it the other way around? Jane Kaczmarek says use it or lose it. Jane, sorry, in your case we lose. Zachary Quinto is gay. Highly illogical Mr. Spock. Hump long and prosper. Jennifer Love Hewitt is single and with good reason. Nobody wants her. If Demi Moore is skin and bones, does that make Ashton Kutcher a jackass?

Mischa Barton was recently photographed licking a piece of meat. The bad news? Wasn’t my sausage. There are steamyromances on DWTS. For more information on this story I would be required to give a crap! Other candidates for sexiest woman of the year award? Katy Perry, Jennifer Lopez and Olivia Cochrane, I mean Wilde. My vote? Betty White. Once you are alone with the White, turn out the light! Snooki loves Jionni? Too bad nobody loves Snooki. Do I like Emma Stone’s metallic dress? She gets my motor running. Hey, if you don’t get that joke bozos, motors are made of metal too! Chris Brown and Bow Wow (still “lil” Bow Wow for those that have seen him naked) love tipping strippers. My question? Where does Bow Wow get his money from? The guy hasn’t made a record in ten years. Michelle Bachman says Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan is the devil turned upside down. Word has it Bachman would love to be turned upside down, but we prefer inside out Congresswoman. On a positive note, Milla Jovovich has been religiously visiting her wounded stunt cast member at the hospital. It turns out some Hollywood actors are not like Lindsay Lohan.David Arquette loves US Weekly. It’s the only place his name has been mentioned in 15 years. The transsexual Chaz Bono felt like her/his dancing has been more of a comeback than a throwback, if you know what I mean. Evangeline Lilly dislikes 30 seconds of pleasure for 30 hours of pain (see procreation and labor on Wikipedia for more information). Tracy Morgan tells Letterman gay jokes were a misunderstanding? Letterman really gave it to him for that, and we are pretty sure he never saw it coming. Get it? Is Katy Perry going back to blonde? She couldn’t get any dumber that’s for sure. What a husband of the year candidate! Ashton the playboy Kutcher sent a “friendly text” to his wife. That text sounds more lukewarm than the jacuzzi water where he banged two girls on their anniversary! Rihanna is excited by her ex-rapist Chris Brown. Me too, if he goes to prison. How can Jessica Simpson launch a beauty site if she knows nothing about being attractive? Shed some crocodile tears people, the Olson twins’ 39K alligator backpack sold out. Since it is made of alligator skin can I say rip-off? Rihanna has been named the sexiest woman alive by a group of people that have never watched porn. I’m just sayin’.Rachel Bilson is sophisticated. Is that Hollywood speak for hotter than Jessica Alba? Kelly Rowland does not regret herblow job, I meant to say boob job. In her case what’s the difference? Paul McCartney has married once again. This time he married an heiress…Of course the term heiress could be a future term, because if she wasn’t rich before…David Beckham’s happiness is inked on his hand. Ummm pssst, David, wash that shit off. Melissa McCarthy will debut a plus sized clothing line. The only minus? The clothes. Fergie versus Kate Moss? Only one of those two ladies tastes Fergalicious. Beyonce wears a prosthetic belly to garner attention to her baby bump. Does that mean when she got pregnant Jay Z wore a prosthetic…Nope, not going there. DiCaprio has moved on to dating models. Blake Lively has moved on to shitty acting. Same difference! Lady Gaga will become the lead singer of Queen. Yeah, drag queen. Kim Kardashian is consulting a divorce lawyer. She is not being maritally satisfied in the right way. For instructions on how to satisfy Kim K please see her porn video. Britney Spears’ handlers are refusing to let her eat more food. Apparently even fake abs look fake on her stomach. Is Angelina Jolie in love with her security guard? Ange, when you are done with a rent-a-cop you hire a new one, you don’t marry them. Jessica Simpson’s wedding is off. I think I’m gonna cry. I am so relieved.

Katy Perry is launching another fragrance. Anybody else wonder what her teenage dream smells like? Yeah, me neither. Cher never trashed the Kardashians, besides her daughter, I mean son Chaz really likes them, I mean REALLY LIKES them. I love Emma Stone’s polka dot gown. Speaking of which I wouldn’t mind pointing out which dots I like best. Billy Bob Thornton’s daughter Amanda Brumfield has been sentenced to 20 years in prison for technical infanticide. Rock-a-bye baby indeed. Maria Manounos has revealed her parenting plans. First she is going to have intercourse (sex) and then she is going to have a baby (baby). Jennifer Aniston is not desperate to have a baby. She just wants a man. I admit it, Tori Spelling’s worst date ever was with me. Besides, how does someone have a good date with Spelling? I guess you have to be on the same botox-length, I meant wavelength, settle down people. Kim K has purchased a 325 thousand dollar Ferrari. No word yet on who is going to inspect her undercarriage. This just in, Vanessa Hudgens pays for parking. Yup, that’s news ladies and jerks.

Elizabeth Hurley goes pink? We would love to see her true colors. Penn Badgley and Zoe Kravitz hold hands…That’s it? You can do better than that, you are both adults for goodness sake! Christina Applegate brings a baby to the set of a show about a baby? Will I go as Justin Bieber or as Lady Gaga this Halloween? Can’t I go as somebody straight for once? Johnny Depp asserts he will act in any movie no matter how “stupid” if they pay him “stupid money”. Now that’s just STUPID. Why does Katie Holmes wear overalls? Heck I dunno. Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio split and at first I was so upset but they are still friends so I calmed down. Lady Gaga has 14 million Twitter followers, we have 3,000. We are catching up to Lady Gaga OMG how exciting. Inside Ellen and Portia’s mansion they have a pond, a meditation room and some very big closets they came out of.

Watch a live interview with President Obama? I would but I am rich, or evil if you will. Elizabeth Hurley played cricket and got more than she bargained for, an engagement ring. She is worth every penny. $100,000 is $10000000 pennies. Jenna Fischer has given birth. Somehow, the office will never be the same. Seth Rogen is married. Good thing he’s rich…I’m just sayin’. The vagina that speaks, formerly known as Kourtney Kardashian does not want to marry Scott Dicklick. Sandra Bullock is obsessed with being skinny? Good. Robert Pattinson is in a good mood. That’s makes me happy. Will Jennifer Lopez show her “hidden talents” to Jason Statham or to Bradley Cooper’s hair transplant? Avril Lavigne has a baby bump. Whoever put a bun in her oven is one lucky dude. Is Scarlett Johansson dating Kieran Culkin? God we hope not but anything is an upgrade from Justin Timberschnitzel. Elisabetta Cannalis is at war with Stacey Kiebler. Elisabetta, nobody has longer legs than Ms. Kiebler, so much so that she gives new meaning to junk in the trunk.

Holly Madison has taken out insurance on her breasts. Doesn’t she realize we would give her Full Coverage? Lady Gaga has three heads? I didn’t realize Lady Gaga has two penises. Ashton tweets he has not been unfaithful, just infidelitous. Tina Fey is Hollywood’s most paid actress? There really is no accounting for taste, get it? Mike Myers has named his son Spike. Why not Thumb Tack or Tampon? Joseph Gordon Levitt has admitted that nobody wanted to hire him. Earth to Joseph, they still don’t! J-Lo has bought an 18 million dollar mansion. It even comes with a spare room for her ass. Ryan Gosling and George Clooney jerk off? Goof off? Get it straight. Are Ashton and Demi splitting? Is that Hollywood talk for having another threesome? When Kim Kardashian flashes her bra I look back on the old days when I watched a video of Kim K’s hoo haw. This just in, Jonah Hill looks like his head suffered a wrong turn at Liposuction Boulevard, CA. Seriously, he gives new meaning to a man being “shriveled”. Mark Rufallo has an obligation to talk about the things HE thinks are important? ME too, like how much I hate Mark Ruffalo. Jen and Demi are friends, oh Scotty does! Jason Derulo denies dating Jordin Sparks. Sources behind the scenes say he is unwilling to sing her name at the beginning of every song, or else he would admit it. What? Whoooo! There is a turd Olsen sister. Is her name Helga? Olga? Nope, Elisabeth…LAME. The X Factor is on tonight…Oh, nope, that’s the O’Reilly Factor, oops. George Clooney says he is not aging well, in fact, he is aging amazingly well. We get the difference Mr. Cooney, gee whiz.

Beyonce says that everything happens “in God’s time”. Is that based on the Roman calendar? Lindsay Lohan strikes a sexy pose…and then she passesout drunk. Just kidding, but not really. Ashlee Simpson has an amazing bikini body…if you need glasses. Will I wear David Beckham’s underwear? Well sure, if he washes it first. Fergie on fitness? Try liposuction instead! As Heather Locklear turns 50 my level of libido goes down, but just a fraction. RPattz will record an album. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Is this for real? Was I born in the wrong century or on the wrong planet. Justin Timberlake banged Scarlett Johansson? Really? Really? REALLY?! Lady Gaga travels with a refrigerator size medical dispensary? Why? Because she uses it to keep her meat dress fresh, no innuendo intended. Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are planning a SECRET wedding. Justin Theroux threatened Brad Pitt. Stay away from my woman whom you dumped for a hotter woman or else! Kim Kardashian’s vagina wants an annulment, too late Kim’s vagina, you already did the deed so thank the steed, if you please.

It’s a boy for Emily Douche Chanel (Typo)? Gosh I feel so connected to her now. I wish the Enquirer would report more about her. If pregnantBeyonce looks good in a mini, well than I have a biggie just waiting to…Britney Spears is looking forward to 30. Isn’t it funny that Spears made it to 30 but Winehouse didn’t? The Kardashian sisters, bitchy, slutty and fatty are mad at Dancing with the “Stars” because their brother whatshisname is in the bottom 3. Could it be he is as talented as his sisters? They are always on the bottom! Did I enjoy the X Factor with Simon Cowell? Don’t judge me! Demi Lovato cannot speak Spanish. Honestly, after listening to her, I am not even sure she can speak English. Gwen Stefani and her husband failed singer have two children, Kingston (Sean?) and Zuma (don’t go there, I told you not to go there!). Reunited and it feels so goooood. Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are together again. Can you smell love in the air? No? Just cheap parfum?

Gisele Bundchen may have only gotten a warning for speeding, but to me she has fine written all over her. Lea Michele is single prompting me toreevaluate my priorities. Should I send her psychotic fan mail or one long stem rose? Hey, this isn’t exactly a good economy, be happy I can afford postage! Kelly Ripa feels guilty about not having time for her children. I feel guilty for never watching her show…almost but not quite. Pippa Middleton is a paparazzi slut. She wears leopard shirts like I wear tiger underpants, with a fierce growl. Tobey Maguire and Leo DiCaprio are friends. My best friend is a real dog. No really, she is a dog! Michelle Williams “dreams of quitting acting”. Funny, I dream of her quitting acting too. Fall TV’s hottest hunk is Jon Cryer. Oh hunk and not junk? Patrick Wilson, no contest. Kristen Stewart has dark hair…either that or the dye finally wore off. 27.7 million people watched the debut of Ashton Kutcher in Two and a Half Men. Somewhere Charlie Sheen is having the last laugh…I would laugh too if I were smoking a crack pipe.

Before when Charlie Sheen was on drugs he hated Ashton Kutcher. Now he loves the kid. To me that can mean only one thing. No he’s not a Jonasbrother?! He is on a different drug! Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs look a lot like mine; one big lump. Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan are like so totally friends. Ryan Gosling’s two true loves are Sandra Bullock and Rachel McAdams. He has good taste…half of the time. Katie Holmes we love you, but if you are up against my Lucy Lui Tony Soparano said it best: foggetaboutit. John Mayer has been diagnosed with a throat condition…was it caused by diarrhea of the mouth? Justin and Selena were booed? That is atrocious, and we will not stand for it…we might sit down however, when we are done booing! Boo. Let’s go all Star Wars on you, jedi or sith. Be honest, one wish, two choices, Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie, both are 25 and have never met Brad Pitt. You must choose! Marc Antony wants to win over J-Lo with a sleepover? I like sleepovers too but I often forget my pajamas.

Extra Extra Read, I mean SEE all about it, Scarlett Johansson’s nude photos are everywhere…on my computer. Kris Humphries goes to really cool places without Kim Kardashian…like the salon. Taylor Swift is being dressed up like a princess, only she still looks like Taylor Swift. Michaele Salahi was reported missing. We all hope that status would never change, but she has been found with Journey’s guitarist what’s his name. Jennifer Lopez and Bradley Cooper may be getting down and dirty. I wonder if he showed her what it really means to have a hangover! It’s a good news, bad news situation for Charlie Sheen. He is “sober” now, good news. He looks like a 70 year old homeless person, bad news. Kirstie Alley is now a size 4. That is not a joke, though we would have made one if we could have! Michelle Williams will play Marilyn Monroe, though last we checked Marilyn wasn’t butch lesbian. A former NFL player is broke and living with his parents. Sounds like he needs to find a real job. Christina Hendricks says her boobs are not a conversation piece, they are meant to be honked instead…wishful thinking, HONK.

Ashton Kutcher showed Ellen his penis. If that won’t turn her straight what will? Sarah Jessica Parker drives a minivan? So much for being a liberal…and under 50 years of age. I want to see exclusive on set photos of Taylor. Just not of Taylor Lautner. Sorry, I like my men with something in the middle…a brain! Kate Gosselin has a flashy new car. I would buy one too if I were unemployed. Elisabetta Canalis says when it comes to love she is a doormat. Well lie down and let me step all over you! What would Ben Affleck look like in the 70s? Let’s see his high school photos and find out, duh. Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car while jogging. Oh well, it couldn’t make her acting any worse. Or could it? Adam Sandler is now 45 years old. Are you CRAZY? NO, NO, NO. In Sandler speak that means happy birthday. Mel Gibson wants to play a Jewish role in a biblical film. Does that mean his character is supposed to start all wars? Or just some? Paz Vega has a tight tush in her bikini bottom. That’s news? Want a Jersey Shore recap? In your dreams stunad!

Lauren Conrad is dressing sexy and flirting with Teen Wolf. No, not Michael J. Fox, although he would make a wonderful vibrator. Eddie Murphy gets high while hosting the Oscars? Oh, he is high on the list. What’s this? An outrage; Duchess Kate carries her own bags? Her eyes must be so tired. On behalf of all of us peasants, we apologize Kate. Inside the Kardashians’ closets are hundreds of Laboutins? Is that code word for dildos? Beyonce is turning 30. Audrina Patridge does not like plastic surgery rumors. There is no truth to her boobs being faker than her personality! Julianne versus Olivia? Who is a more comfortable fit? How should I know. Lady Gaga goes green, and it rhymes with drag queen. Ryan Reynolds is going to adopt Sandra Bullock’s son. Only in Hollywood people. Is Jennifer Aniston too obsessed with her looks? Wouldn’t you be if you were that glamorous? Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon had lunch together. They discussed Jake Gyllenhaal, and their trouble spelling his name. Jessica Simpson wants a breast reduction. There goes the only appendage left that was worth looking at. With the affair between Jada Smith and Marc Antony, their show is being renamed Hawth Horny.Oksana Grigorieva is taking Mel Gibson to the cleaners. After that, maybe dinner and a movie? Season, oh shit I lost count, of Dancing with the Starswill include Nancy Graceless, Ron the maniac Artest, David I used to be famous Arquette, and Ricki the backbreaker Lake. Justin Bieber’s Ferrari has been in a fender bender. No word yet on who rear ended him. Kim Kardashian’s brother is now a celebrity. According to paleontologists we are all related, does that mean I am Tom Cruise’s long lost brother? If so, I want to be on Dancing with the Stars. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s backs are together, I mean they are together back, nevermind. Angelina Jolie will not have a secret wedding. Only her invitations will self destruct in 5 seconds. You have to be kidding me. Solance Knowles is famous now too? Hoe low will the Paparazzi go? Rachel Weisz has a shoe obsession, that low huh? Get it, shoe obsession, nevermind again.

Lady Gaga shows up with meat and uses a male restroom. If the meat fits, use it. Britney Spears did not kiss Lady Tranny (Gaga) at the Video MusicAwards. She waited until the after party. Beyonce couldn’t wait to show the world her baby bump. I think the world could wait to see her pumpkin since there was like this you know, HURRICANE going on across the country. Marc and Donnie Wahlberg will open “Wahlbergers”, a hamburger joint in Boston. Talk about putting double the meat between your buns. An article headline “Madonna Gets Wet” in 2011 is ten years too late to turn me on. Brad Pitt turned real life hero when he saved one of the extras on set from being trampled. He could not save the extra however from a failed acting career. Will and Jada are finished. Now she will shower naked everyday with Mark Anthony instead. Look how that worked out for J-Lo. I give it six million, I mean months. Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are getting married. Congratulations to the sexiest man alive and the…well…Leo bought Blake Lively a Prius. I think he is just a very cheap man. Kim Kardashian’s marriage is already in trouble? I didn’t even see it coming!It’s Rupert Grint’s birthday, he turns five feet tall today. Eva Mendes has the most gorgeous skin, especially with a pound of makeup on. Joe Jonasdid not write a song about dumping Taylor Swift, he wrote a song about humping Taylor Swift. Semantics people. Paris Hilton’s reality TV show has been cancelled. Guess it was the Simple Cancellation, huh, huh? Nick Jonas is dating an older woman? Is 26 really that old? Lady Lesbian, I mean Lady Gaga will appear on The Simpsons as a lesbian. J-Lo takes her tots to work, and that is not an innuendo! Will and Jada are still together, just with Marc Anthony doing all the work. No drugs were found in Winehouse’s body, just sex toys. OMG OMG alert, Katie Holmes only paid $50 for her skirt? I paid $50 for my whole wardrobe. Kris Humphries is not wearing his wedding band? He is going to have to use his bedding hand? Oh nevermind.

Who’s hotter Colin Ferrell or Rpattz? This one is too close to call, we might have to call in Ryan Seacrest for a ruling. Kim Kardashian makes millions off her wedding dress but sadly sales of her home made porn video have slumped. Is Bristol Palin eating herself to death? No but she is giving John Candy a run for his money. George Clooney is not enough? Stacey Kiebler wants to wrap those long legs around Brad Pitt’s shaft too? Get it, junk in the trunk? Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are back together. I guess I better start putting last names on my fan mail or Taylor Lautner will think I am playing for the wrong team. Marc Anthony calls his wife Jennifer Lopez? Some men are just pigs. Pippa Middleton gets her vagina waxed. Yup, nothing more to say about that. Britney Spears may not own a mobile phone. She can borrow mine, as long as she doesn’t call long distance. Kim Kardashian’s wedding flat our sucked. Why? Because I wasn’t invited. They must be jealous, that’s what my mom said!

Jihad and David Letterman, Jihad and David Letterman…what do they have in common? How should I know! What is the most OMG headline of2011? Justin Bieber comes out of the closet and then goes back in. Good headline right? Who is Daniel Radcliffe’s mystery girlfriend? Is it Emma Watson? Pamela Anderson’s boob implants? Nope, it is Justin Bieber. Ok too far, we agree. Kim Kardashian’s sister ironically said the following: “Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors”. Did she forget the sex tape of various African American gentlemen knocking on Kim’s doorstep? And yes, that’s a metaphor for banging her. Paris Hilton has been voted the least trustworthy celebrity. Snort, sniff, inhale…what? Beyonce claims her guilty pleasure is Jersey Shore. Mine is sex. Same difference. Does Abercrombie and Fitch have the right to as “The Situation” to stop wearing their clothing? Does Progressive really offer discounts on just about everything? Julianne Hough gets Footloose? Does she need a better pair of sneakers? Ladies and gentlemen for our grand finale ina  world in which every stupid thing has become news, Gerard Depardieu (more like Depardoodie) peed on a plane. Wow.

Heidi Klum flaunts her bikini body? Me too but I need a waxing. Jennifer Love Hewitt has new hair? Go to the salon Jennifer, they will take care ofyou. Taylor Momsen has quit acting? There is a god. Halle Berry is 45. Her boob job is just six. TLC has canceled Kate Plus 8. I guess she will have to go back to suing her ex husband for a paycheck. Which celeb wedding would I have attended had I an invitation? Joy Behar’s wedding for sure. Why you may ask? I wouldn’t have to say a word, she does all the talking. Adam Levine from Maroon 5 may want to knock at my window, but I am not opening it! He recently said "Acknowledging that someone's attractive and wanting to f*** a dude are two different things." Thank god he clarified that conundrum. Kendra has post partem depression? Maybe because nobody wants to see her naked anymore? Oh? We misinterpreted post partem? Oops. We hate to steal our own thunder, but any article headline reading “Inside Kim Kardashian” is too good to pass up.

LeAnn Rimes is now a swimsuit model. Kinda gives new meaning to learning how to do the breast stroke. Any article headline starting with “InsideKate Moss” might just be worth reading. Snooki would never be a real housewife? Maybe that’s because nobody would marry a troll. Do I want to win Cat Deeley’s jumpsuit? How about going on a date first, call me old fashioned! Ricki Lake is engaged. Somewhere in the world a big sucker popped the question. RPattz “ruined the bed” in Breaking Dawn. Sounds more like he was breaking Kristen…breaking it in if you know what I mean. Anne Hathaway loves the Catwoman suit. We do too Anne, we do too. Ellen and Portia are taking Toronto? Heck take Florida for all I care!

Ryan Gosling is obsessed with ghostly apparitions? Ryan, let me introduce you to what used to be your career. It’s dead now, but you caresurrecther anytime. Jennifer Grey is excited for the Dirty Dancing reboot? Does that mean she has twice the ass she used to? No, she’s not J-Lo. Shia LaBeouf and Joe Jonas ignored each other? I think I need to get on Twitter to like find out what’s going on. Is Casey Anthony the most hated person in America? I guess they left Obama’s name out of the survey. Lindsay Lohan has a sister? The gods have answered my prayers. Who is the most annoying celebrity? President Obama? Oprah? Sean Penn? Nope, it’s Justin Timberlake! Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter may be closer to mom but that doesn’t stop her from being hot. The Kardashian’s “Kollection” has hit Sears. So has bankruptcy but I’m still not spending any Kash on their Krap.

Outkast rapper Big Boi has been arrested for drugs. In prison he may have to use his Little Man to avoid a beat down. Fergie made  throat cuttinggesture at Ashton Kutcher, but she was just kidding. Rihanna let her hair down? I didn’t think she ever let anything down! Did I watch the Season 4 premier of Jersey Shore? I read a book instead. No really, I did. Halle Berry of Jennifer Garner? Once you go….you never go back! Jennifer Lopez is making bedlines, I mean headlines with costar Rodrigo Santoro (he kind of sounds like a Mexican bullfighter). Are Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling together? Mostly when they stand next to each other. Taylor Swift is working on a memoire. Here is a pre-published excerpt: “Ummm like…you know…duh.” Oh she deserves better than that. Kanye West and Jay Z had a fist fight. Charlie Sheen will make 10 million dollars for appearing on Britain’s version of Big Brother. And no it’s not a porn. If Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock take their relationship to the next level does that mean we should expect a sex tape? Finally, is Justin Bieber blowing a fortune on jewels and clothing for Selena Gomez? Or did he secretly buy it all for himself?

Jessica Alba “just hates working out”? Don’t worry Jessica, we’ll do all the work. Lawrence Fishburne will play Perry White in the next Superman?Superman no home. On Two and a Half Men the star character Charlie Harper will be “killed off”. How do I feel about this? Fart. Rihanna likes bizarre clothes. She can wear my underwear any time. It’s leopard print with no cheeks. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have like had it so tough. Fame destroyed their lives. I would hate to be paid millions for having no talent and for being a moron. I can totally relate, I feel their pain. Katy Perry has pretty pink. I mean she looks pretty in pink. Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock look awfully cozy on the red carpet, if you know what I mean. J-Lo “loves herself enough to walk away”. Has anyone ever loved themself more than J-Lo? Today Sam Worthington turns 35. His acting career is 2. Will I watch Rihanna’s Girl on Girl video grind? Is Ed Too Tall Jones too tall?

Cameron Diaz has a muscular body. She has muscles in places most women don’t even have places. Amy Winehouse wasn’t planning to die beforeshe died. Zac Efron is dating Bruce Willis? No? Rumer Willis? Whatchou’talking bout Willis? Fantasia is no longer talking about suicide, she is talking about gaining 100 pounds…she’s pregnant. Good luck with that. James Spader is the new boss on “The Office”. Hugh Hefner still insists Crystal Harris lied about his ability to deliver the goods in 2 seconds flat. It turns out he can last for five seconds or more…when he can get it up. Miley Cyrus will announce the meaning of her new tattoo on Twitter. For a sneak peak click here. Made you click! Angelina doesn’t like acting now that she has seven kids…Sorry, we are including Brad Pitt. Ashton Kutcher is turning to Sarah Silverman for comedy tips? Why not buy Kathy Griffin a happy meal and get some real advice? Emma Watson is drunk one minute and crying the next? Sounds like she is on her period. Mariah Carey has champagne delivered to her ladies room stall? Why not record an album there too, all that comes out is shit anyway! J-Lo and Ben Assflex are back together? They are being called Bennifer V2? Nonsense, nothing can replace V8. Jonah Hill has lost weight. Now if only he could gain something…like a sense of humor. Sex and the City 3 is like so totally on…my DVD player.

Crystal Harris has publicly announced that the international man of mystery, the bona fide ladies man himself Hugh Hefner “lasted like two seconds”.Hefner things this line of disparaging remarks may be caused by her current boyfriend, the man that is capable of lasting for at least fifteen seconds. I would be glad just to have seconds or ever firsts with Crystal. Kate Von D (cup) had a Jesse James tattoo put on just before their split. That is like getting an Ajax was here tattoo on the pubis before being dumped by the cleaner himself. Good thing Ajax is bald. Gene Simmons proposed to Shannon Tweed just in time to show her the family jewels. There is a Sex and the City prequel in the works. Pardon our reliance on an old joke, but will it be called Four Weddings and a Funeral, rather than four Funerals and a Wedding? CBS is back on top of the world after the Nielsen ratings scored them as the number one network. They have brought us such gems as reality TV shows. This just in, I hate reality TV shows. Which stars are we most sick off? Certainly not Lady Gaga’s eggs, or Justin Biebers Biebering. I loved Lady Gaga’;s blue suit with nipple studs. If only those studs were inverted I would like it more. Justin Bieber has a surprise for Selena? Surprise I am gay! Khloe Kardashian has a booty shaping technique. It is called ground and pound…Yup, you just read that…for real.

Amy Winehouse’s autopsy results are in and it turns out she is still dead. Is Dennis Rodman a transexualist? If he isn’t will somebody take those damn pantyhose off of him? Lindsay Lohan is partying? Does that mean that Charlie Sheen is off meth? Jennifer Lopez turned 42, her ass is still 69…years old people geeze! Like OMG alert Kim Kardashian Krashed (yes with a capital K) her fiance’s bachelor party. Should Old Navy pay punitive damages for using a Kim K lookalike in their clothing commercials? Does Progressive offer discounts on almost everything? Jennifer Lopez cheated on Marc Anthony. No wonder why she wears leopard outfits all the time. Her ass needed a little camouflage! Wait, wait, wait….Justin T has been bumping backs with Mila Kunis but he is back together with Jessica Biel and he is sleeping with Olivia Wilde? And this whole time I thought he sang like a girl. Khloe Kardashian is pregnant with twins? How can you tell the difference? Ryan Phillippe is dating a woman half his age. For those of you wondering, he is 36, and she is legal, barely legal, growl. Leo DiCaprio and Blike Lively’s relationship is hanging by a thread? {Is it at least a durable heavyduty thread? John Mayer wants Jennifer Aniston back? When he sags she sags, or is that sings? Britney wants plastic surgery like her mom. That camel toe photo in her bathing suit is not hot enough!

Jon Cryer appears semi-naked and touts his “exceptional” physical beauty. Take it off Jon, take it all off…and by all we mean any future episodes ofTwo and a Half morons. Angelina’s kids eat crickets. Me too, everytime I tell a joke in a crowded room. Liam Cunningham has joined the cast for A Game of Thrones Season Two. Finally, somebody I am better looking than. Rihanna or Ciara? Daisy or Dukes, Tit or Boob? I mean tit or tat, oops. Matt Damon claims Brad and Angelina live like prisoners. I would too if my warden looked like her. I could do Hard time. I would watch the Jersey Shore season 4 trailer but my brain can’t handle any more retardation. Will I watch Charlie Sheen’s sitcom Anger Management? Do I currently have 2 pounds of cocaine hidden in my anus? No but Charlie Sheen might! Jessica Biel auditioned for Friends with Benefits but Justin T wanted somebody else’s hole to plug, I mean somebody else to plug the hole. Rosario Dawson is obsessed with working out…Me too on my couch. Michelle Obama will appear on reality TV. The president’s teleprompter may also make a guest appearance.

Lady Gaga recently wore a curtain to a club, but I really wanted to see her drapes! Katie Holmes has admitted that Suri can dress herself. No word yet on Tom gets it done. Ryan Reynolds and Charlize Theron are mating…I mean dating. Jesse Spencer is coming back for House Season 8 with a “tan and a busted board”. Dude, if you want to sound cool, stop talking dirty to us. Kid Rock had a rooftop bash. Now if only he would fall off…The Beckhams named their girl “Harper Seven”. I would have gone with “Japan Five”. James Franco doesn’t know why he hosted the Oscars, and neither do we. Richard Simmons has a birthday and he turns gross years old. Jewel has successfully delivered a boy. Penelope Cruz has a Jersey Shore look? Which one is it, huh or duh? Harry Potter is over, and I think I am going to cry…Nope, it was just this damned onion. If Halle Berry has easily won a stay away order, should movie fans file one against her?Want to see Victoria Beckham’s bare baby hump? Another typo? We need spellcheck. Jaycee Dugard didn’t know she was in labor. Does that man she usually pees uncontrollably? “One life to Live” will air online. I guess they have to change the name of the show? How about Kitty Kat? The fat mound with breasts on top formerly known as Snooki are back. Justin and Mila like each other? Excuse me while I vomit! If Selena Gomez shopped until she dropped who picked her up? LeAnn Rimes has a kick ass bikini body. Rapper Bow Wow is a dad? I have only one thing to say to that. Yippee yay. Some people say the Zookeeper is not wild enough. I say wait for the sequel Zookeeper 2: On Safari. Kate Moss’ wedding 4 lines and a funeral.Which hairstyle looks best on Kate Middleton? Bald, if you know what I mean. Daniel Radcliffe has given up alcohol, no word yet on when he will beready to give up being famous. Taylor Swift’s guilty pleasure? Thinking. Paris Hilton’s stalker was arrested. What? Paris Hilton has a stalker? She is like so last year. Lady Gaga does not use the gay community, she is in it for goodness sake! Jennifer Aniston will not be topless in any films as she is afraid of winning a SAG award. What’s this, Charlie Sheen will be roasted on Comedy Central? Why are they encouraging him to smoke crack? Audrina vs. Jordin? I prefer the one that knows how to spell her own name. Emma Watson says L.A. scares the crap out of her. Jeeze lady, I thought Lord Voldemort would be more terrifying. Woose! What are celebrity slim-down secrets? They are called laxatives.Selena Gomez has a crush on a real man and his name is Shia Labeouf?

I guess any guy is an upgrade from Justin Bieber. MSNBC analyst Mark Halperin called President Obama a dick…for which they suspended him. When Obama called Kanye West a Jackass we didn’t impeach him…though we should have! Jonathan Rhys-Meyers attempted suicide by swallowing a handful of pills. He is still hospitalized but is not in critical condition, only his career is near death. First Tracy Morgan upset the gays, and recently he upset the handicapped. What’s next Obama jokes? Kenya believe his behavior? Kim Kardashian’s workouts are big searches on yahoo and google. Man, I didn’t know that many people wanted to see her porn videos. Everyone has to work out somehow! In 1989 Charlie Sheen took steroids. In the 20th and 21st centuries he took crack. Denise Richard adopts a girl. Charlie Sheen adopts a new attorney. Pippa Middleton gets around, damn girl! Lindsay Lohan has been released from house arrest. When you meet a girl like that you date her! When she reforms you marry her. When you reform you divorce her. RPattz is tasting the bitter life after Twilight where being gay is no longer a resume builder.

When Johnny Knoxville opens up, crap comes pouring out. Jennifer Aniston feels lucky? I would too if I were worth millions of dollars for being ascarecrow in movies. Nothing says balls, yellow balls like Kate Middleton at Wimbledon. Oprah received an honorary doctorate? Did she even graduate high school? I had to like, you know, OMG spend 5 years in classes for my Ph.D.  How did Katy Perry get lean legs? Maybe Russell Brand pulled them apart and made a wish. Did it come true? Vanessa versus Eva? Obama vs. Bush? Jordan versus Lebron? Man versus himself? Rachel Weisz married Daniel Craig. Her only mistake was marrying Daniel Craig. Kristen Stewart may be getting all rough and tumble with Garrett Hedlund. Kourtney Kardashian has a sex tape she has a virus? Nope, her video is going viral? Like what’s the difference? Two in the pink…O.J. Simpson wants to confess to two murders to Oprah Winfrey. Isn’t he telling us what we already know? Cat fight alert!!! Julia Roberts called Kristen Stewart a punk. Stinging words Julia, you cut her deep. Bradley Cooper wants a piece of Zoe Saldana. Which piece is not yet certain. Is Justin T. banging Scarlett Jo? Is there any lady he is not thumping? Jessica Biel, duh!

Hugh Hefner is on the rebound. Nothing 100mg of Viagra won't solve. Peter Frampton files for divorce. Could have, should've been gone. JulianneMoore never feels confident. That must be why she appears naked in every other movie. Me too, but they are home movies. Jennifer Lopez's son dropped the deuce in the swimming pool. And I thought J-Lo couldn't get any hotter. What summer concert would I prefer? Get out of the way Bruno Mars, I want the Backstreet Boys alright? Kirstie Alley shops for a new size? They make BW (beached whale)? Justin Bieber likes to wear pink...underwear. Octomom will star on a dating show? If anybody gets too excited around her they might have twins. Finally some good news to report. Lindsay Lohan may be drunk and disorderly but she is not in violation of her parole! Hip, hip, barf, vomit, schmegma.

How do I get hot legs? By sun bathing I would imagine. Cameron Diaz swears in the movie Bad Teacher, but she had me when she whispered cock into a commentator’s ear. Heidi Montag works out 14 hours a day? She must spend the rest of her time at the book of the decade club. Amy Winehouse was booed in Serbia. We all know if you can’t get applesauce from Serbians it’s over. Britney Spears is having trouble selling tickets. Maybe she can spray on some abs and some boobs and get back to business? Selita or Rihanna? Like it’s ever a contest. Kanye West os Plugging Mary Kate Olsen and we don’t mean her new album. Justin Bieber burns his underwear so that only Selena Gomez can sniff it. Can you smell what the Biebs is cookin’? Jessica Biel is using Gerard Butler to win back Justin T? And I am next in line to be the Pope. Suri Cruise now owns a $100,000 tree house. I don’t even own a $100,000 condo. Kim K has a decoy ring so she may protect the original. She loves the ring more than the ringbearer. Sandra Bollocks and George Clooney are more than just friends…they are co-stars! RPattz doesn’t even do his own sex scenes with Kristen Stewart. Now that’s a load off…Someone “cast a spell” on Emma Watson because she is in love. I tried to do it with Wingardium Levioisa but her skirt didn’t budge.Weiner is addicted to sex. That is a third person statement folks! Emma Watson has been fighting so hard to have an education which is why shedropped out of Brown University. Lady Gaga has marched on Rome for gay rights. The Catholic church will be so happy now! LeAnn and Jennifer Aniston have the same hair stylist. It sounds like this is a perm-anent arrangement! Katie Holmes or Jessica Blimpson? Tough choice. Nick Lachey would like to be a dad sooner than later. This coming after he withdrew from the competition. Should Kris Humphries sign a prenup? Can switching to Geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? Justin Timberlake wants back in…Mila Kunis. Has Kim K been sexting Bret Lockett while dating Humphries? Is Congressman Wiener addicted to sex? Brad and Angelina will marry at their 35 room estate. Will there be enough room to fit their egos at the wedding? Justin Bieber has asked Selena Gomez to marry him. RPattz is getting cozy, but we don’t like to talk dirty in this gossip column. Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler are a couple…of actors. Jessica Simpson is having doubts about marriage just because her husband is unemployed. The nerve of some women. Alec Baldwin is dating a woman half his age. Gosh, she must be old!

When you hear the name Anthony Weiner, is his chest really the first thing that comes to mind? Rapper Flo-Rida has the most original names since New England. Lindsay Lohan has received a two year restraining order against a crazed fan, but hey I can still write about her can’t I? lol. Kendra Wilkinson will not move to Minnesota with her husband. I guess that means one less moron for the state to take care of. Ja Rule has been sentenced to two years in prison. What can we expect when he comes out? Maybe he will have learned Da Rules. Is Jennifer Love Hewitt the worst actress ever? Does the buck really stop here? Emma Watson left college because she felt bullied when people yelled out Harry Potter slogans. I would have yelled out something very different, but she probably would have left anyway! Chris Evans says he is losing his hair. I hadn’t noticed ;) Joan Rivers is 78, her tits are still in their teens. Juliana Marguiles is 45, now that is what I call a MILF. George Lopez is turning 50 this year along with Michael J. Fox, George Clooney, Heather Locklear and Julia Louis Dreyfus. Meep, meep, that’s all folks!

Avril Lavigne can wear neon all she likes so long as she glows in my dark room. Snooki wears fur booties. If only the rest of her were waxed too.David Hasselhoff dresses drunk, and he speaks drunk too! Chris Brown has a creepy tattoo on his back? Anything on Chris Brown’s back is creepy, even his boyfriend. What are Jennifer Lopez’s fabulous style secrets? Botox, detox, faux-tox. Kim Kardashian is preparing to become a mom, one love explosion at a time. What is scarier than Britney Spears in a bikini? Our researchers are still searching for an answer. Pippa Middleton has Bieber fever? I had no idea she turned lesbian. Is Angelina Jolie having a heroin relapse? I think they meant heroine, like a hero, duh. Will Brad Pitt ever stop flirting with Jennifer Aniston? Reports claim R-Putz, I mean R-Pattz is ready to dump Kristen Stewart to go pursue other women. A-Rod (not a port star) has broken it off with Cameron Diaz. He needs to focus on balls and not on acting. Lady Gaga wore a watermelon with a turban on top. That must be for the President’s Arab spring! Holy crap Russell Brand is 36, his acting career is only 4! Also, happy fortieth birthday Marky Marc.

Justin Timberlake wishes Britney Spears the best in being a piece of trailer trash. Justin also proclaimed that he is not a normal person, he is special! He called Jessica Biel the most significant person in his life, aside from his four other girlfriends. This followed by a news story of Justin T and Ashley Olson having a pow-wow. What’s a pow-wow? Pow, WOW! Blake Lively will sue any publisher that publishes “fake” photos of her? Sounds like she needs to reevaluate the concept of having a brain too! Patrick Dempsey is leaving his role as Dr. McDreamy to become just another actor that millions of women want to have intercourse with. Angelina Jolie says Brad Pitt is a “real man”. Billy Bob Thornton’s daughter has been found guilty of manslaughter. You kill me, you really do! Arnold Schwarzenegger is still wearing his cock, I mean wedding ring. I hear that makes it easier to pick up cleaning women. Lauren Conrad never wanted to be a star, it just sort of happened when she auditioned for a dozen roles. Kim K’s ring is engraved with two things from the bible. Our best guess? Do you really want to know? Jennifer Aniston does Yoga! Now that’s what I call a spinner!

Amy Winehouse is heading back to rehab? Who knew she even got out? Matthew Morrison never wanted to be famous. Who the hell is MatthewMorrison? Ashley Pervert from the Bachelor says that things heat up quickly. I guess she knows how to boil water, but it seems to end there! Selena Gomez straddled Justin Bieber in a bikini. This was her latest attempt to find his bieber. Is there a V where a P should be? Gwyneth Paltrow has written a cookbook. Now that’s a recipe for disaster. Courtney Love is “more or less” drug free. That sounds like promising news! Ryan Reynolds is not ready to date again. There goes my Memorial Day plans. Kim K has joined the 20K club. I think that means she has slept with 20 thou…you get the idea. Lindsay Lohan has begun house arrest. Dear lord somebody get me a key!

Jessica Alba has a Hollywood playmate…Pick me pick me! Ellen Degeneres is too often the “man in the middle”, if you know what I mean. Tom Hanksvoted for an American Idol contestant. The Prince and the Princess have met President Obama. I guess the President was kind enough to go across the pond but he regrettably didn’t manage to fall in! Selena Gomez wants to look more grown up by dressing like a slut. I guess I need to let my underwear creep up and to cut holes in my jeans. Taylor Lautner’s abs have been in the news lately. This guy is a true butter-brain. Ladies want his whole body but not his brain. The next American Idol winner is…Miley Cyrus. Jessica Biel is dressing like Elvis but she looks more like Mr. Ed. Katy Perry’s home is for sale for 3.4 million dollars…I think I’ll wait until it’s in foreclosure. Want to see Khloe Kardashian’s camel toe in red pants? Just google it! If Rosario Dawson cannot manage to look good in leopard then my days as Tarzan are over.

Randy Macho Man Savage died of a fatal heart attack today. Ohhh yeahhhh, I mean ohhhh no. R.I.P. Slim Jim. While Marion Cotillard has a boy I amstill having a cow. Man I just say on the steer's behalf, moo. Rosario Dawson is single. She has the biggest mouth we have ever seen, and we are not talking about talking. Is it true Ken Jeong will have a full-frontal nudity scene? I already switched to Geico so I have nothing to say! Woody Allen walks his little girl to school. He used to do this when he was younger, but Soon Yi is an adult now! Cher is still wild at 65? Some call her a GILF, others call her a trans...Ginnifer Goodwin wants to share some baby talk...oh baby that feels so good. Am I surprised that Arnold Schwarzenegger has a love child? No, but I am surprised it is with his live-in housekeeper. "Housekeeping me jerk you off?" "No, but I would like a little bit more play time." "Oh senor Arnold". "Dat's right...After da fiiirst round if you're lucky I'll be back." Selena Gomez is worried about her career. This just in ohhhh yeahhhh.

Kris Jenner wants ass implants for Kim Kardashian, and botox for Kourtney. You can't get any more "Konfidential" than new glutes! Beyonce is canceling her agreement with Jay-Z's record label. Does this mean they will split? I guess he should have put a ring on it...his penis we mean. Robert Pattinson has an alcohol problem, or as people in Hollywood like to say, he is an Oscar contender. Brad Pitt had dinner with Courtney Cox and now Angelina, a.k.a. the "homewrecker" is upset. Miley Cyrus says her new boyfriend Patrick Schwarzenegger is "way classier" than her last two ex-boyfriends. She's not exactly setting the bar real high! Katie Holmes is pregnant. I guess this disqualifies the rumors about Tom being gay. Not. Demi Moore is following Ashton around the world on their private jet instead of babysitting her children. Bruce Willis is going to open a can of whoopass on Ashton now! Charlize Theron and Prince Harry are laughing and joking together on the sidelines of polo matches. If only the Prince can avoid the steaming divots. Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen are engaged. I guess Sheen must really be into her morning glory. Oprah and the creature known as Rosie O'Donnell are feuding. Finally, will I watch Ashton Kutcher on "Two and a Half Men"? Does a former drill sergeant make a terrible therapist?

French model/actress (an important distinction) has called it quits with heavyweight champion boxer Wladimir (with a W!) Klitschko. And I thought she used to be a knockout! Angelina Jolie has a new tattoo. My mind is wandering and it stopped on her...I will tell you just one thing I don't know about Lily Aldridge and that is who the hell is Lily Aldridge? Is Mike Sorrentino called" the situation" because he sharted? Hugh Grant would be a wonderful replacement for Charlie Sheen at the Bunny Ranch. Two and a Half Men? Na. Chris Brown has teamed with Justin Bieber. Rihanna has increased her security. Kim K gives new meaning to taking in a cock-tail. Ron Artest is a rapper...and I am the King of England. Kris Jenner has encouraged Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Dicklick to get married. Which hot super model should Leo date next? How about Megan Fox? Nobody fakes it like she does!

Tom Cruise has been busy strumming it…his guitar that is. He also has long hair. Anyone else really turned on right now? Nicolas Cage’s hairpiece will not be prosecuted for grabbing his estranged wife’s arm.He’s a terrorist, lock him up! George Clooney has turned 50. His face lift is 13. Gabourey Sidibe is 400…pounds. Will. I. Am. Waxes romantic? Come on playa, wax Fergie next time, she is packing some heat. Olivia Wilde divorced her husband the Italian prince/filmmaker because she is smart. She was smart when she married him too! Beyonce surprised students in gym class. Students must have thought “damn, what’s that whale doing in tights y’all?”Tori Spelling has a tattoo of her husband’s vows…on her ass. Marie Osmond has a recycled wedding gown (she’s broke) and I applaud her environmentally friendly conscience (cheap-skate).

Do I want to journey with Rene Russo from the big screen to the farm? Nay. Kristen Stewart has an intense eyeliner look. It can only be described as huh? Katy Perry has banned devil talk in her home. Russell Brand will never be able to say "oh bloody 'ell" again. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. Flavor Flav has been arrested. When asked for a comment he suggested being incarcerated left a bad taste in his mouth. Abigail Breslin is grown up. Miley Cyrus declined to loan her a pole. It was probably unwashed anyway! Nick and Mariah renewed their vows at the hospital. If you ask me it should have happened at the institution! Jordin Sparks has "tweeted" her new body. I think I am going to go tweet myself right now too. Maxim has released its top 100 list. She is the actress that replaced Megan Fox in Transformers. What lies beneath is more than meets the eye. Private parts, transform! Lindsay Lohan may dodge jail. No word yet on whether she can dodge a wrench...

6 reasons why I should watch Vampire Diaries...It's a bloody good time. I bloody well better. I have my period (unrelated?). Ok, that' three, but I still might watch! Paris Hilton's boyfriend was attackedoutside of a courthouse. Justice is served. Justin Bieber's face and voice are now on toothbrushes. Talk about getting oral from a Bieber! Jake Gyllenhaal has gone bald. No word yet on the status of his bieber. Donnie Wahlberg is trying to find a kidney on Twitter. Why not a testicle on Myspace? Star Magazine has apologized to Katie Holmes for "insinuating" she is addicted to drugs. Why the sudden apology is anyone's guess as members of the tabloid media have been hinting her husband, Tom Cruise, has been addicted to crack (men's) for years.

Kid Rock thinks his stage name is dumb. Don't worry, you're not alone! Sean Penn told Scarlett Jo to lose weight, to stop drinking and to quit smoking. Dude, you might as well tell her to quit being an actress! Mariah Carey secretly gave birth already. How do we know? Everybody told us. Justin Timberlake is afraid of losing his hair. At least the guy is now part porn-star, part human. Reese Witherspoon thought costar RPattz was horrible during their love scenes. Have you seen my wiener? Is Jennifer Lopez pregnant or is that a second ass she is hiding? Rihanna chose Usher (yea mon) over Leo DiCaprio (whisper it now...L-E-O). Jim Carrey had four women at once. No word yet on why he is now a cannibal. Britney will have liposuction and a boob job. Why not a face transplant and a lobotomy? Lindsay Lohan's hoteliering (a real word we swear!) has led to more boozing and get this to bigger sunglasses like OMG. Jessica Simpson told fiance Eric's Johnson to get lost. What if he has a GPS? Won't that be tough? President Obama dines with the stars? I didn't know the Arab space program would send out Muslim President into space, cool!

David Arquette admits he acted childish after splitting with Courtney Cox. No word yet on why he continues to act like a baby the rest of the time. RPattz is losing his better half? No, not Kristen Stewart,his gay half from Twilight. David Arquette followed his epic admission by saying he is tired of talking about Courtney Cox. He would rather be expletive-ing her. Former Bachelor Andrew Firestone has had a baby with his wife Ivana Humpalot. I am sad that ABC is cancelling One Life to Live, but as for All My Children I could give a Chris Brown. Nicolas Cage has been arrested for domestic abuse. Apparently his wallet had enough and couldn't bear the burden  of his excessive spending. Miley Cyrus is more at easy on an international tour? She does love to get slippery across the pond, if you know what I mean! ? Lindsay Lohan is hooking up with a superwealthy hotelier. Yeah, whatever that means. Are Brad and Angelina really married, finally? Does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle? Is Scarlett Johanson having Sean Penn's baby? Well, one doctor says her hips and buttocks have started to spread. We thought that was supposed to happen before the baby appears. Guess we have the order all mixed up!  Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston are feuding about Josh Hopkins. Someone said Cox's behavior was a blow to Aniston's ego. Suri Cruise received 5 million dollars for her birthday. For that amount I will marry Tom Cruise...when he is ready...to...come...out...of...the...closet. Lady Gaga is a germaphobe. I will rub sanitizer all over her body...Was that out loud? Selena Gomez and Justin's Bieber want to remake The Wizard of Oz. Bieber can be the cowardly lion and Jennifer Aniston can play the wicked bitch of the west!

The Osbourne’s had 1.7 million dollars in tax debts. Asked for a comment, Ozzy replied “yuknowkdlkflknfnfna”. Word(s) to live by. What is the right “Hue” to wear with my hair? Hugh Grant! J-Lo has been named People’s most beautiful woman of 2011. Does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle? Catherine Zeta Jones has two poles. I though one was enough for most women, where did I go wrong? Do I want to win tickets to see Glee in concert? Did the caveman invent fire? Demi Lovato had a breakdown. This was precipitated by news of what happens when your name is Demi. You get expletive deleted and not by your husband. Courtney Cox says that David Arquette hit on her at Disney World. Isn’t that always embarrassing when your ex-husband and father of your daughter hits on you when you are staying at the same hotel? Are Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper’s hair transplant getting back together? Did the Caveman, oh? I already said that? China has banned time travel on T.V. shows. 1996 can no longer call Charlie Sheen and let him know how cool he is. Duh, Losing. One Life to Live and All My Children have been cancelled. Emma Watson recently took a break from college because of how hard it is to earn 20 million a film and attend classes. I feel for her. Word. Does Kim Kardashian have killer curves? If curves could kill…

RPattz had a crush on Kate Moss. Until he saw her grassy knoll! Brad Pitt has been caught in a nude scandal with Bella Heathcote. Maybe they should exchange last names and then Brad could be caught in a hole! Is Paris Hilton pregnant? If so, be rest assured that baby will feel great. He will have a special diet of his mom’s cocaine! Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron are a Hollywood couple. Show her your Sweet November Keanu! Rpattz and Kristen Stewart are on a break. But they are not separated, nope, just…on…a…break. Is Britney Spears on an emotional meltdown? Who knew train wrecks had feelings. Bieber was two-timing Selena Gomez with costar Ryan Seacrest. No? We misread the news again. With costar Jasmine Villegas. Jessica Simpson wanted a private room at the DMV. Talk about getting frisked by management. Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde are a hot item. This just in: I still hate Justin Timberlake. Katy Perry and Russell Brand are suffering on account of being continents apart. But otherwise they are pretty close. Charlie Sheen wants his job back. But while on crack he tries not to think of it as work. Will I watch Khloe and Lamar? No. Did Jennifer Garner commit a fashion faux-pas? Yeah, just ask her plastic surgeon, she is wearing the wrong face!

Vanessa Hudgens was in Sucker Punch and I never even saw it coming. Does Sharon Stone (53) look hot in a negligee? If she does I will be happy to show her my personal air conditioning Unit. Is Mischa Barton a skeleton? No, but close enough. Carrie Underwood wears peep toes? So does Milla Jovovich? Taylor Swift has a new look. It is a “come to bed dear” look. There is only one question I still have. Why is she looking the opposite way of the camera when she gives that look? Tina Fey is pregnant…and somehow the world continues. Carrie Underwood nags her husband. You can nag me all day long lady! Mary Kate and Ashley have launched a new line, what a waste of cocaine. Nicole Richie works out. OMG OMG me too. Or at least I used to. Britney Spears is headed for marriage number three. I am putting a line down in Vegas that five times the charm! When a person named Kelly RIPA gets waxed it sounds so much more painful than it really is. Flavor Flav has a chicken joint. Sounds like a bird in the hand is worth two in the kitchen. Women singers are now called “songstresses”. No word yet on what masturbators are called.

Kirstie Alley took a tumble on Dancing with the Stars. The aftershock was felt in Japan. Her dancing partner blamed dropping her on “muscle spasms”,I’ll bet! Are Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter the same person? If not, they sure fooled me! Kate Gosselin cannot find a date. Reportedly men are willing to have twins with her but octuplets is crossing the line. Nick and Joe Jonas have gone bowling. They love sticking their fingers in those holes. Strike. Reese Witherspoon has a pink wedding dress. Oh well, always a brides maid always a bride? Scientists unearthed conclusive proof that the human race is getting dumber when Miley Cyrus returned to Twitter. Charlie Sheen was booed and heckled in Detroit? He must have become a professional Detroit Lions football player! Is Ralph Macchio wearing a toupee? No it’s a Bosley, duh! Snooki steps into a ring? Was it a pigpen? James Franco has declared “social media is over”. No James, that’s your career that is ending.

Is Nick Cannon ready for Mariah Carey to give birth? Is there a team of marine biologists standing by? Ryan Seacrest loves to wear mascara and make his lashes fuller. No comment. Jen wants Brad back? No not that Brad. She wants the one that can’t act, Bradley Cooper. Kim Kardashian’s dream wedding is in jeopardy! Somebody call 9-…Shenea Grimes is friends with homeless people. Snooki has received 32K to speak at a college campus. The students won’t be paid a nickel for notlistening, they volunteered to do it for free. Prince William says yes to marriage but no to a ring? Does he mean an engagement ring or a C—K ring? They are both round for a reason. Michael Buble married Luisana (named after a state by illiterate people) Lopilato. Who is she? She’s hot. Do the Kardashian sisters possess any “real talent”? Of course they do. I have seen the footage to prove it! Speaking with Glamour Magazine, Emma Stone said the following “You're a human being, you live once and life is wonderful, so eat the damn red velvet cupcake”. I am pretty sure I would now like to put frosting on her and blankity blank and eat it. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie went to Utah for a romantic getaway? That is like going to Alaska for their seasonably warm summers. Victoria Secret has a new swimwear lineup. Yup, there are some fast swimmers approaching (too far?). This just in, Britney Spears is a retard. No? Oh, I misread the headline for some reason. She recently dressed in a leotard. Michael Strahan is working with Vaseline men. Sounds like a slippery situation, you go Michael!

Three tears (not rips people, tears!) for the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is moving onto bigger things, like eating. Prince Harry threw his brotherWilliam a stag (stag refers to an adult male queer, I mean deer) party. Drew Barrymore knows how to look like a cover girl, only she has never been able to do it. Britney Spears delivers two tour de force (by force I mean police) concerts in Las Vegas! Dressed in full uniform she tried to handcuff my heart. Should Kirstie Alley accept George Lopez’s apology about her being a fat pig? Oink no! Reese Witherspoon is married to Jim Toth. May they live chin and tooth ever after. Matt Bellamy is cheating on Kate Hudson with a sweet college girl. Yeah, sweet ass sweet. Jennifer Aniston went on a blind date and he asked to go Dutch. Don’t get your minds in the gutter people, he wanted to split the bill. Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler are an item. Lady Gaga is working on installing a giant egg as her bed. I have been walking on egg shells my whole life, but I am looking forward to laying on her yolk. Britney Spears wants to learn about finance? Um, when you make 100 million dollars and spend 200 million dollars you are a moron. There you go Brit, the first lesson was free! Jessica Simpson is so confident her marriage will work out she agreed to a prenup! A $500,000 wedding gift for Eric Johnson will seal the deal followed by $200,000 a year while married. Money can’t buy happiness but it bought Simpson’s boobs.

When George Lopez a.k.a. G-Lo called Kirstie Alley a Minotaur, nobody thought he meant to call her a pig! She slammed him  in return, and thatsounds like harsh punishment for anyone. If Taylor Swift looks savvy and chic beyond her years it must be because of that far away blank look in her eyes. Chris Brown has parted with his publicist after punching out a window. Nobody betta aks me bout no damn Rihanna. Apparently Brown is sensitive. I just thought he was a woman beater, my bad. Does anybody else think Britney Spears looks like she just walked out a trailer and forgot her makeup? Does being a real life alcoholic give Russell Brand an edge? No people that’s called a Michelob. Nobody knows how to spell anymore. Justin Bieber has spanked Willow Smith? It’s about time he told us who he really is. Oh? Pranked? Oops. What will I remember Elizabeth Taylor most for? Her bodacious tatas? No, for her parfum! Jessica Biel is single. Perhaps she can build a new stable of men if you know what I mean. Finally folks, will I watch Sucker Punch tonight? Isn’t that redundant when you watch the dumbest movie of all time?

Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend named Ayse Lahti Johnston. Their favorite activites include spending time on his 155 foot yacht. They must play somuch shuffleboard. Like all day. Kirstie Alley is making a big splash on DWTS. That's what happens when you are a whale. Justin Bieber is more popular than Michael Jackson. If Bieber had visited the Neverland Ranch Michael Jackson would have told him to just beat it. Martin Sheen said Tiger blood is not the cure. But it's not a bad start! What’s next porno period blood? Is Charlie Sheen emotionally crippled? Do dogs really chase around cats? Scary Spice is having a baby. That's a frightening thought. Why does Jennifer Aniston look better at 42 than she did at 22? Duh, the surgeons needed to go to medical school before they could fix her.American Pie’s Sean William Scott has entered rehab. I guess the Stiffmeister had too much warm apple pie.  How did Leann Rimes become so skinny (laxatives). We don’t know.

Emma Watson is the new face of Lancôme. We didn’t know guys names butch could work in cosmetics, cool! This just in, Alice Cooper has a double chin, and that blood on his shirt is not synthetic. Jimmy Kimmel has a fab new hot body diet. Step 1, stop eating Sarah Silverman, she’s high in calories. Bieber fever spreads across the pond? I get hot just thinking about that…a fever people, get your mind out of your Biebers! Eva Longoria has moved on to bigger and better…Kesha broke her bikini out (of jail?) and based on the eye test we believe it should be locked away for another 20 years. Courtney Cox still has feelings for David. Me too, anguish, disgust, and disappointment. Does Kim Kardashian have great hair? Sorry, I haven’t been down there (that rhymes people, give me some credit).Jennifer Aniston is having a baby of her own. Before this news broke she was ironically having a cow. Apparently firing Charlie Sheen and cancelling“Two and a Half Men” has been a ploy to get Sheen back? Who’s smoking crack now CBS? Kim Kardashian is moving to New York because her boyfriend Kris Humpme lives in New Jersey? The kids of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are playing with knives and warring at home. That’s what you get when you put the Middle East next to Israel, next to Africa. A warzone, yup, we are so going out of business for saying that! Colin Farrell and Rihanna are getting serious. So serious she is considering going down under. Beyonce has declared war on Lady Gaga. Apparently Gaga came in an egg but it was in fact Knowles who got laid. Courtney Cox now has more cleavage. Was this cellular division natural? Man, the Breast surgeons in the world are in Beverly Hills! Michael Jackson’s corpse earns 275 million a year. My living body can barely pay the mortgage.

Katherine Heigl has short hair. Do you want free tickets to see Charlie Sheen’s My Violent Torpedo of Truth Live Show? Me too.John Cryer admits that he is a troll. No word yet on why he looks like a jack ass. Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have separated and issued writtenstatements. JT: “I am a homosexual with a high pitched voice”. JB: “I am a failed actress that looks like a thoroughbred”. Their separation is amicable. Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are all over each other in Mexico. Maybe they should take a shower, it gets pretty hot down there. Twilight stars have been evacuated due to tsunami fears. I thought they were afraid of life outside of the closet, not in it! Charlie Sheen has found time in between suing Warner Bros. for 100 million dollars to give us his recipe for a Charlie Sheen sandwich. Mix together 1 oz cocaine, 2 oz crack. 1 oz hookers, 3 oz heroin, 4 oz flour and 1 oz rehab and then stir. Tony Danza is getting a divorce. Asked about his sex life, the Who’s The Boss Star said a brand new life is around the bend. Justin Bieber’s fans are now calling themselves “beliebers”. I am calling these aforementioned beliebers retards. Is that even legal? Can someone tell me what a Bieber is? Finally, Jesse James and Kat Von D Cup may be married. With all this focus on worldwide whirlpools, earthquakes and chaos I almost forgot about that dashing couple…of gang bangers (is is gang or chain?).

Ja Rule is headed to prison. I guess he needs to learn how to play by Da Rules. Is Suri Cruise too old for a pacifier? I am not going there. MichaeleSalahi has been pulled from Celebrity Rehab. Rather than crashing the White House many have suggested she try a car. Chris Brown called the Rihanna assault a “mishap”. CBS is considering a new sitcom starring Chris Brown called “Two and a Half Infanticides”. If Wendie Williams, Kirsite Alley and Kendra Wilkinson are hoping that dancing will help them shed pounds they need to first consider that boogies add pounds. Should John Stamos replace Charlie Sheen? What are you living under a rock? Lindsay Lohan is considering jail time. I would love to help her earn those stripes. Kim Kardashian has a new boyfriend? She should be committed…No really. Ashley Olson and Justin Barfbag have split. Amanda Seyfried can show off her stems all day long, it’s her flowers we want to see. Emma Roberts has hair again. No? Wrong Emma, sorry folks. Whenever I read that Malin Akerman has gone strapless my imagination goes into overdrive. Finally, a word of advice. If Charlie Sheen ain’t broke, don’t fix him!

The many looks of Taylor Swift have been revealed: Huh? Duh? And, What? Mariah and Nick have a baby shower? Why are they so special, everyonecleans their kids. Charlie Sheen has opened a new internet talk show called Sheen’s Korner. No word yet on whether his girlfriends will make their long-awaited debut on Charlie’s Kock. My favorite American Idol judge is…Simon Cowell. Donald Trump for President? Or is it his hair piece that is running? Britney Spears does have bipolar disorder. One year she was hot and the next she was not. Will Charlie Sheen appear in the Hangover part 2? They should get their own hangover. Charlie has one every morning and he doesn’t like to share! What’s left of Courtney Cox’s face is dating Cougar Town co star Brian Van Holt (Van Blind if you ask me). For $3,400,000 Lindsay Lohan will go full retarded…I mean full nude in an upcoming pictorial. All I have to say is booooooyooooooooing. Zac Efron has dumped Vanessa Hudgens for another man. You did read the prior sentence correctly. Sandra Bullocks carries a torch for Ryan Gosling. Maybe she should carry his luggage, that might be more helpful going through airport screening.Lady Gaga recently showed up wearing a lampshade on her head. The lights are on but nobody’s home. Michael Lohan is going to celebrity rehab. Noword yet on why he is being called a celebrity. Avril Lavigne has a new outlook on life. She wants to go out on a million dates. Ummm, my number is 555-555-5555. Britney Spears is back…yawn…In rehab I would love to bunk with Lindsay Lohan. If she can’t suck on the bottle…What’s this? The First Lady hits the books? How about reading them Michelle! Stop hitting them. Seth Rogen wants his fat clothes back. But, Roseanne stole them. Mike Myers had a secret wedding, it’s like all over Twitter. Jon Gosselin now makes $35 an hour. I still hate him. Rich people, sheesh. Who is hotter, Victoria Beckham or Gemma Arteton? George likes his chicken spicy. Kirstie Alley’s DWTS outfit is a curtain. No word on when it will be calling.

Charlie Sheen’s latest interview includes the following comments. I will let Sheen’s words speak for themselves. I am "tired of pretending I'm not atotal, bitchin' rock star from Mars.” "I've got a whole family to support and love. People beyond me are relying on that. I'm here to collect (hookers, whores, harlots, and tennis balls made of cocaine)…” Sheen has stated that he wants his bosses to apologize  "publicly, while licking my feet (balls)." About his out of control partying, Sheen had this to say "Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless (there’s nothing funny about limbless kids) children." Oh, did I mention that he wants a raise? 3 million an episode seems a fair price (chorus line: laughter). Gwyneth Paltrow may receive a recording deal. That would be the best daaaaaay of her liiiiiiiife. James Franco did not attend his own post-Oscar party. All this just because he has no personality. Charlie Sheen made other news when he responded to inquiries about being drug free: "Um, DUH." The last time he did drugs? "Don't remember. Don't care. Drug tests don't lie (unless you cheat or fake the results, duh)." Jessica Simpson wants to be married in sweat pants. All this because she can’t fit into a dress. Sandra Buttocks does not want to be John Mayer’s booty call. Me neither. Dicaprio is addicted to pizza and cannot fit into his pants. Will Robert Downey Jr. or John Stamos take Charlie Sheen’s place? Does a former drill sergeant make a terrible therapist?

Catherine Zeta Jones may be the commander of the British Empire, but for the moment she is content managing the Douglas Olympic Swimmers. Charlie Sheen has purchased 750K in automobiles for his lady friends. For that price I would be Sheen’s bitch too. Kim Kardashian may star alongside John Travolta in a Gotti movie. I thought Kim had a wetty, not a Gotti. Clooney has said that women and drugs rule him out of politics. Maybe he can come up with a good excuse to stop acting. Have you heard that Beyonce has tried to darken her face to look more black? Hasn’t anybody heard of a tanning salon? Sheesh, Hollywood. Are Rihanna and Ryan Phillippe an item? Is a bird in the hand worth two in the bush? Cameron Diaz has workout secrets. She squeezes her legs together real hard. Sorry, fantasizing…back to work. Billy Ray Cyrus is going to mend his family. First he had better explain how he cloned himself but as a girl. If Lindsay Lohan goes to jail will she be included in the cast of Prison Break? No that’s prison rape, our bad. Doesn’t Rihanna look pretty in those photos showing the bruises from Chris Brown’s fists? Is the FBI really investigating Tom Cruise for marital slavery? Gosh, this whole time I thought men were slaves to women, you go Tomkat, reverse those roles! Finally, who will look best on the red carpet? I don’t know, I don’t own a red carpet. The real question is who will bring it to the dry cleaners?

Sure, I would love to see William and Kate’s wedding invitation. Whose wedding are they invited to? Is Carrie Underwood oh so chic? Frankly, I would take the under, or the over on this one! For the Academy Awards I vote that Anne Hathaway will wear the same outfit she wore in Love and Other Drugs…nothing at all but brail. Whitney Port has written a book about going through a “quarter life crisis”. I then wrote an entire book in my mind about Whitney Port being a moron. It is so far unpublished, but check back soon! OMG talk about a Super Bowl snub. Fergie is not invited to the wedding. Oh, not that Fergie? Oops. Miley Cyrus grabbed John Mayer’s behind. And then he made music. While Kourtney Kardashian is looking for wedding dresses, her man Scott Dickhead (spelling?) is looking at Kim. Lady Gaga is cracking up…or is it just her egg that’s breaking? Jay-Z and Beyonce are on a trial separation. Those always end well. Did a monkey really pelt Matt Damon with poo? Did the little piggy really go wee, wee, wee all the way home? Is Dwayne Wade dating Gabrielle Union? Will George Clooney do an underwear ad? Are tighty whities really that tight?

Justin Bieber rocks out with his…fill in the blank. Snooki has Happy Feet? So how come she has never used them to exercise? Speaking of exercise,plus size model Crystal Light, I mean Crystal Renn believes there is too much pressure to look slim. In the modeling world? Who knew? Perhaps she has a bright future in the realm of naiveté? Channing Tatum is not afraid of stripping. That’s easy for him to say, he doesn’t have to watch. Model Minka Kelly says “I do not want to diet for the rest of my life”. Are we making you? Perhaps she has a lucrative career waiting at the basket weaving center for America. Will Jessica Simpson really make 1 billion dollars selling crappy teenage clothing? Was Honest Abe Lincoln really that honest? Charlie Sheen has advice for Lindsay Lohan: first get the sitcom, then get the drugs. Miley Cyrus is a “mommy’s girl”, she just happens to have her dad’s face. Does anybody else wonder what is going on inside of Taylor Swift’s mind when she gives us that far away dazed and confused look? Huh? Finally, let’s just say it. Adam Lambert, dude looks like a lady.Lady Gaga arrived at the Grammy’s in a giant egg. I guess she really went to get laid! Too much yolk? Not going there. My celebrity dream date iswith Jessica Alba. I have always wanted to feel smarter than somebody, so I would pick her! Is Justin Beaver bald (spelling?)? Is Lady Gaga a Madonna rip-off? No way, Madonna would never put meat in her body. What’s this? Miley Cyrus is rude and pretentious? Miley can I get you a drink? A fresh pair of panties? A cell phone with a digital cam? Katy Perry and Russell Brand already need a couples therapist.

I told Russell to ditch the purple shoes, but he didn’t listen! Does Charlie Sheen smoke crack between scenes? Absolutely not says one publicist…he smokes cocaine! Critics are way off. Rihanna missed Chris Brown. How sweet…He was her first rapist after all. Jessica Simpson has to lose weight or the wedding is off? I would, like, um, like…be so upset…like…Is Angelina Jolie wasting Brad’s fortune? No, just his bachelor years. Kristen Stewart and RPatz are headed for a split. No word yet on why they are suddenly into gymnastics. Jennifer Aniston is jealous of Heidi Montag. I have only one question for you Jennifer: Who? Is Sean Penn Scarlet Johansson’s secret lover? Did a meteor just reverse the North and South Poles? Either way, somebody is getting screwed. Mario Lopez has a heart sexual appetite. Why can’t he commit to just one woman? Tune it next week to find out.vJustin Bieber and Selena Gomez held hands. No word on why they were attending a gay rights rally. Christina Aguilera has explained her nationalanthem flub. We have extrapolated her true meaning for you. “like, I don’t know the words”. Did Glee or the Black Eyed Peas have the better halftime show? I’m sorry, I went to the bathroom during halftime. What’s the question again? Mike Sorrentino is leaving the Jersey Shore. And he is taking his steroids with him! He suggested he would like to be in a movie by the end of the year. Sure Mike, the porno industry is calling and they are asking for Snooki! Why does Miley Cyrus have a tattoo on her rib cage? Because her breasts were busy taking a cell phone pic. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson may be back together. Is Lady Gaga out of control with “drugging” and “drinking”? Does she keep her outfits in a meat locker? Does she wear see through cellophane with whipped cream on her breasts? If she doesn’t we hope she starts today! Scott Dickhead (spelling?) is in love with Kim Kardashian. Oops, wrong sister. He would never bang all three would he? Justin Timberlake is obsessed with Mila Kunis. Me too! Will Justin Bieber appear at Wrestlemania? He would love the locker room. Miley Cyrus loves tall, foreign men. So does Justin…nevermind. Jessica Simpson is “drinking to destruction”. Me? I drink to world peace. Is Jennifer Aniston head over heels for Adam Sandler? We haven’t seen any pictures to support that yet!

Christian Bale has stated “If I weren’t an actor I’d go nuts!” No word on how he feels about cashews or almonds. Betty White has won a SAG award. So much for the invention of the pushup bra! Does Kim K have a right to be upset that magazines are publishing “racy” photos of her? Is this the same Kim K who starred in internet sensation porn movies with massive black guys? She may be in tears now, but she had quite a smile on her face before! David Arquette has exited rehab…crickets…Chris Brown has concluded a domestic violence program. I wonder if he still has that whole infanticide itch? What’s that? Rihanna’s a bitch? Ok, that’s enough out of you Chris Brown! Is George Clooney really angry with Brad Pitt? Can you still really believe it’s not butter? When speaking about Taylor Momsen, Miley Cyrus rejoined “The only thing we have in common is our love for music, singing and dancing.” Umm Miley, that’s three things. But you tell her girl. Robert Pattinson has resorted to begging Kristen Stewart to marry him. I guess there really aren’t other vampires in the sea. Kate Hudson is secretly engaged…shhhh…secretly. Do I have goose bumps from watching Michelle Obama? Nope, those are shingles!

Kim K. wants to have Kris Humphries’ babies. How many babies does he have and why does she want them? Who deserves the Razzie, JenniferAniston, Miley Cyrus, or Kristin Stewart? Let’s decide this based on their most salient features. Jen has saggy (.) (.), Miley has teeth that give dentists nightmares, and Kristin is almost undead. And the award goes to (drum roll please)…Sarah Jessica Parker. Oprah will reveal a shocking family secret…does it involve Gale King? Will Kate Von D and Jesse James go the distance? I would say this is too premature to give a solid answer. Britney Spears’ synthesizer is number one on the billboard charts. Is Katie Holmes addicted to shock therapy? She is married to Tom Cruise! Would I pay $750 for Justin Bieber’s hair do? No but I would pay $3 for his turquoise belt. Taylor Swift keeps getting dumped for Camille Belle. I guess Swift makes quick exits while Camille stays to get her Bell rung! Is Jennifer Aniston hitting the bottle? She’s drunk? This is my big chance! Pink has told her unborn child you are “F****** perfect”. Words of wisdom to touch the heart. Is Megan Fox pregnant? What a cliffhanger!

Sandra Bullock has informed the world that Ryan Reynolds “is not my lover”. You wish Sandra! James Franco is NOT gay. Methinks the lady dothprotest too much! Jesse James has said that Kate Von D (D is for D-cup, as in breastasses) is his “other half”. I guess the whole apple is rotten. On January 16 Kate Moss turned 37. Her breasts are 5 (kidding people). Paris Hilton has a new reality TV show. It’s tentatively called, “oops I snorted again.” Britney Spears believes her house is haunted. Asked about the singer’s comments, Lindsay Lohan said I’ll have what she’s smoking. This just in, a submarine shop has been named after Snooki, it’s called Blimpies. It looks like Russell Brand and Katy Perry woke up in Vegas last weekend! Megastar Michael Douglas may have sent cancer packing. His throat tumor has shrunk. We all wish him a full recovery. Is Carrie Fischer really the woman who played Princess Leia, or the woman who ate Princess Leia? Did Jake Gyllenhaal bring an ex-girlfriend to anger Taylor Swift? Is Helena Bonham Carter mentally unstable? Gosh, we sure hope the answer to both questions is Yes!Denise Richards and Nikki Sixx (yes that’s one x short of a xxx) have split.

Is Lindsay Lohan “leaning” on Tom Hardy? It sounds like if he moves she will be floored. Will Glee catch Bieber fever? Really? Do I have to say it? Glee couldn’t get any gayer. Hugh Hefner is taking Playboy private. Lord knows the magazine features enough privates, but it is sold publicly. This is one bare naked conundrum. David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child. Does that count include David himself? Vanessa and Zac are back again. Oh well, at least she is not dating Justin Timberlake. Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are together? And it’s not for a movie? Has he gone blind? Did Scarlett Jo poke his eyes out? Is Angelina Jolie on heroine? Of course not, just crack. Justin Bieber is so in love with Selena Gomez…’s jewelry. OMG OMG OMG is Kristen Stewart cheating on RPattz with Garrett Hedlund, AKA GHedd? Is Reese Witherspoon pregnant? No, it’s probably just gas.

Michelle Williams is upset at Dateline NBC for twisting her words. She never said that Heath was a drug abuser, she just implied it. Williams also admitted that she fell in love on Brokeback Mountain. Me too…That Jake Gyllenhaal is so handsome. How come when Ben Assflex has “dark scruff” it is called “sexy”, but when I do people tell me to shave? Britney Spears wants me to hold it against her? Sure, how much is she paying me? Oh, I misunderstood, the title of her new single album is “Hold it against me”. Jennifer Connelly has a baby dump. I mean bump. Spell-check, sheesh! Justin Bieber has to attend school and have a private tutor? The injustice of it all. Somebody call 911! Furthermore, Jbiebs has quit the Twitter. Somebody hijacked his account and came out of the closet. Jamie Pressly has been arrested for a DUI. Her real crime is looking 60 at 30. Kim Kardashian does not find herself sexy? She had me at come inside…I mean hello! Cherly Tiegs (63) may still have it but we are all happy she hides it. If I didn’t hate Ryan Philippe before, now is a good time to start. He is dating the lovely, the buxomly, the blond, Amanda Seyfreid.

Brad Pitt and Angelina (Brangelina) spent their Christmas in Namibia this year. They are hoping to adopt another small British colony by the end of the week. Sir Elton John has a baby. The same sex married man has come through the circle of life, the circccccccllllle of life. Brandy has a new elephant tattoo. Does this mean she wants to see my tusk? Nicole Richie’s DUI probation has ended two months early. That is wonderful news. Perhaps she and Lindsay Lohan will drive off a cliff when they are both released. For Rihanna’s debut in South France John Paul Gaultier embroidered her a “brilliant baubles, and super cute coif outfit”. Is that French for lingerie? Jennifer Garner goes strapless. That sentence is so wrong on so many levels. Has Tyra Banks lost weight to return to the time when she looked like a Victoria’s Secret Model? Nope, just a clown mirror.  Recent photos indicate that Emma Watson no longer has a pixie cut upstairs, only...

Angelina Jolie wore a curtain to a photo shoot in Japan. It did however have a giant slit in the middle (not taking this one any further). Jessica Alba wore a dress that is part leopard and part zebra. Sufficed to say she made us all growl. Eva Mendes has a twisted bodice? You don’t say! Gucci’s are not the only kind of pumps we want to give Halle Berry. Reese Witherspoon is engaged. She will cut the wedding cake herself, by hook or by crook, or with her chin. Rihanna is single again. Perhaps Lady Gaga is planning a visit to a slaughterhouse in 2011? After all, she does need new outfits. Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Vince Vaughn welcomes a baby girl, “she was my first Asian!” Shania Twain is engaged. We sure hope he keeps her warm at night. Paris Hilton has started a motorcycle team. Nice Dyke, I mean bike. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes took little Suri to see the “Nutcracker”. We thought she could see the ball buster at home, why spend the money? Nick Lachey may marry Vanessa Minnillo in Tuscany. If she didn’t have a little Italian in her before…Ryan Reynolds may have taken being the “sexiest man alive” too far. If he cheated on Scarlett Johansson that’s one thing, but doing so with someone less buxom is totally immoral.  Vanessa Hudgens broke up with Zac Efron when he refused to pop the question on her birthday. He did however volunteer to pop that…

It is true, not just in the movies. Natalie Portman hates Mila Kunis for stealing her spotlight. What’s next, will Mila steal her man too? Actually, we hope so. David Beckham and Tom Cruise have formed a motorcycle club. Is that code word for…Kim Kardashian is considering adoption. We already thought she was pregnant. Taylor Swift is maddened with jealousy over Jake Gyllenhaal’s chemistry with Anne Hathaway. The only trouble she is really having is looking up what the word chemistry means. Kelsey Grammer’s ex-wife may release their sex tape together. Here’s hoping the electricity goes out long before then.

Bristol Palin insists her mother did not force her to appear on Dancing with the Stars. She did suggest learning how to dance however. Angelina insists she has not had any plastic surgery. Unless you count her lips, ass and botox. Otherwise she is au naturel! Actress Amber Heard is an avowed lesbian. She can stay on the highlight reel but those breasts are going to waste. Ryan Seacrest popped the question. And America resoundingly answered yes we think you are straight. Britney Spears said “Jason beat me”. She left out the rest of the sentence “to the bottle of Xanax”. Is Jennifer Aniston going to show Robert Pattinson what the term cougar really means? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are living separate lives. You would think they are married or something. Scott Dicklick (typo?) hit on the sister (Kim Kardashian) of the mother (Kourtney Kardashian) of his child. That is indeed a new low, you can do better than Kim my man! Will nude photos of Miley Cyrus appear on the world wide web? Please excuse me for a moment I have some important business to attend to. [Yahoo search…]

The Kardashians put mayonnaise on their thing. I guess mayonnaise just became miracle whip! Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart took a dip…but not in the Kardashian’s things. Kirsten Dunst has told fans “get used to seeing me naked”. Can I have my Lasik surgery reversed? Gisele wants more children. If only Tom Brady would keep wearing a cup. Johnny Depp will not wed his longtime girlfriend of 12 years because he is afraid of ruining her last name. We are beginning to think her last name is moron. A teen with tiny waste has won America’s Next Top Model (re-read the previous sentence). If I had to carry a celebrity’s credit card it would be Nicolas Cage. It would be rejected everywhere and I would learn how to save.

Naked Gun star Leslie Nielsen died today at the age of 84 despite using full body protection. “Excuse me, is that an official bat?” Yahoo asks “if dreams came true how would you most like to spend your Thanksgiving?” I would like to spend some time inside the Kardashian’s…house. Would I like to eat and gossip with Kathy Griffin? Is that a real question? Am I being punked? Craving for Pink, I mean Pink has cravings…pregnancy cravings. Nick Jonas is helping raise diabetes awareness. Good man. They are coming out with a remake of Beauty and the Beast. This time will be titled Cate Blanchette vs Jennifer Hudson. Katy Perry and Russell Brand made a Justin Bieber sandwich. Where’s the beef? Miley Cyrus plans to go dancing for her 18th birthday. No word yet on what her teeth or her gums will be doing that night.Is Cher doing it her way? She is such a transformative character, especially her p-e-n-(not going there people). Jessica Simpson is so madly in love with Nick Lachey that she bought herself an engagement ring and told her boyfriend to marry her or else. Or else what? Will she gain 50 pounds again? While wife Eva Longoria looked to adopt a baby, Tony Parker looked to make one with a teammate’s wife. Talk about the end-around. Pattinson and Stewart married in Rio. Shortly after they were harangued by police for “romping” on the beach. That is Swiss for sexy time. Lady Gaga is such an inspirational figure. A fan was recently expressed her inspiration to first shoot Gaga and then herself in the head. Jake Gyllenhaal flew Taylor Swift to Europe. Apparently he wanted some “quality time together”. Is that even possible? Meanwhile Swift is plotting to win back Taylor Lautner. A good first move would be to fly to Europe to see another man for strictly for academic purposes of course. Miley Cyrus has turned into a party girl. In addition to having the thighs of an eighty year old man, Britney Spears has a new boyfriend! Lindsay Lohan has lost another movie on account of being stuck in rehab. Rihanna has a red coif (use your imagination). Kim Kardashian can wear as much fur as she wants but we will never stop caring about what lies beneath.

Justin Bieber is using a flirt coach to learn how to attract as many boys as possible. Jonathan Lipnicki from Jerry Maguire (remember the adorable little guy?) is grown up and he is actually a good looking guy! The human head weighs eight pounds…unless you are heavier than Oprah. Eva Longoria Parker may soon be just plain little miss freaking hot hottie Eva Longoria. Apparently her husband cheated in at least one of the 40 cities he travels to annually. Sounds like Mr. Tony Parker went for one too many slams when he had the three pointer waiting at home. Bristol Palin may not know how to dance but she sure can bring it for a 20 year old MILF. We actually in this case prefer the MILF’s MILF Sarah Palin. Is Ryan Reynolds really the sexiest man alive? Are you forgetting about Eurkle? Why have so many of Taylor Swift’s romances been short-lived? Maybe they got to know her. Pink isn’t fat, she is pregnant. Or so we hope after writing that! Christian Bale claims "it is embarrassing to be a star". We understand, making 20 million dollars to destroy a movie is hard work.

Gwyneth Paltrow guest starred on Glee and sang a song. Doesn that mean she had the best daaaaay of her life? Is Fox News host Glen Beck of friend of the Jews? In the words of Beck, if you don't think so "blood will shoot out of your eyes." Does Kanye West have a "beef" with Today host Matt Lauer? If he does is it corned? Pastrami perhaps? Oh we know what it is, a cornish hen! Did Pink's pregnancy become revealed on Twitter? If so let me respond to all of my followers, "What goes into the pink also comes out of the pink. (pink not capitalized for legal purposes). Who deserves the most money of any female singer? Is is Lady Gaga and her meatwhich? Beyonce and her baby bump? Taylor Swift and her slowness? Rihanna and her thighs? Nope, is is Madonna and her madness. Angelina Jolie is not a good cook? That does not mean she cannot get my meat heated up.

Daniel Radcliffe tried to cast a spell but sadly he did not grow to be as tall as Verne Troyer. Lindsay Lohan may be in rehab but Paris Hilton is still thumbing her nose at her (by thumbing we mean snorting). Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have a love scene together. I believe my brain is officiall on off mode. Is Justin Bieber dating (a man? we thought so too) Jasmine Villegas? Hillary Duff is married to a hockey player. Two minutes for high sticking? Oksana Grigorieva wants $50,000 a month from Mel Gibson. Her expenses include rent in the amount of $15,000 and a bodyguard for $13,000. At the Latin Granny's, I mean Grammy's in Vegas Enrique Iglesias and Ricky Martin both sang and were contrasted based on their physical appeal. Does Hilary Swank look good in lingerie? You can take the girl out of the trailer but...Finally, Vera Farmiga had a baby recently. Congratulations to the star of Up In The Air. Just don't bring it around Mel Gibson.

What's this? Miley Cyrus is no longer dating Liam Hemsworth? Sirens just went off in my head. No, actually a police car just went by. Who should the singer/actress (in that order thank god) devour next? She is just pushy enough to push Justin Bieber out of the closet. Is Jessica Alba the new Lucille Ball? Of course she is, oh wait you have to have talent to be compared to an icon right? Will I take dating advice from the Jersey Shore? Sure I will when hell freezes over or Obama wins reelection in 2012, what’s the difference? On a serious note, we wish Lily Allen a speedy recovery from septicemia that led to her second miscarriage. That is an actual tragedy so there will be no more jokes until the next paragraph, I declare an interspatial moratorium.

Want to watch an "exclusive" Harry Potter clip? Just go to the movie cheapskate! LeAnn Rhimes is not engaged, it's like so totally all over her Twitter. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills have had plastic surgeries? Umm honey, please pass me a boob...no on second thought I'll have a Botox. When a gossip website (we are so much better than that) reports that "evidence is starting to MOUNT" and Kim Kardashian in the same sentence we have to at least laugh a little right? Is Kardashian screwing, I mean dating Lebron James? Well she wants to turn up the heat and he loves to dunk so it makes sense. Is Charlie Sheen on a rampage with hookers and cocaine? Sure is better than shooting people. Joe Jonas is possessive. Pick me, pick me, ohh ohh pick me! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes sleep in separate quarters (mansions). Are they headed for a divorce? No silly they are just old fashioned, my grandparents do it all the time (sleep in different rooms perverts). Did Miley's success tear Billy Ray Whitetrash and his wife Mrs. Whitetrash apart? Sure, let's play the blame game. This just in, Lady Gaga took time away from sequins and meat-fits (outfits made of meat) to serenade newlyweds. Nick Cannon has reached his breaking point. He can't just sit around using Mariah's credit card anymore! Katy Pery never got to sample her favorite Brand on her honeymoon? A spider bit them? I will have a talk with Megamind about that out! Oh no Ryan Philippe had no date when he ran into his ex-ho Reese Ditherspooner.

Does Heidi Montag have bodily "ups and downs"? Sure, all women wear bras (most of the time). A suture or two may suspend her ass but that is only natural. Is LeAnn Rimes a homewrecker? If she wants to break down my doors and come inside I think I can allow that to happen. How do I expletive deleted without you? I want to know! Mariah Carey is nauseas. Me too as I just viewed pictures oher her pregnant. Portia De Rossie once ate 300 calories a day. I tried that and once I died I stopped. Did Lady Gaga marry Luc in Greece? Can Geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? Is Jennifer Lopez backdooring Ryan Seacrest? Why not, everyone else is. Is Jessica Simpson indeed "miffed (German for retarded) over seeing Nick Lachey with another woman?

Is Angelina Jolie sporting a baby bump or is she constipated? That causes swelling you know. Rihanna missed Katy Pery's wedding. Is Kim Kardashian "taming" John Mayer? Sex with obese women sure does have a calming effect! That's why they call it the twister. Is Justin Timberlake cheating? All I know is I may kill my guidance counselor for saying my girly voice would never turn into a career. Scott Dickhead (typo?) will marry Koutney Kardashian. All we have been able to learn about Scott is he wears bright pink Polo sweaters. Has Jennifer Lopez committed a "fashin faux-pas?" Doesn't she do that every time her backside makes an appearance?

CBS has commissioned a Celebrity Wife Swap “reality” show. What’s mine is yours is mine? Katy Perry and Russell Brand are honeymooning. He is planning to show her his teenage dream once he gets inside her skin tight jeans. Neve Campbell and Courtney Cox are back for Scream 4, the golden girls of horror. Kanye West took a year off because…he is lazy? Stupid? Has an awful voice? Actually we declined to listen to his explanation so we devised our own. Nene had rhinoplasty. Nothing says “I am a real housewife” quite like a nose job. When Katy Perry and Russell Brand married did she have any make up on? On the set of her next film Angelina Jolie will not allow cameramen to use the facilities. I guess she is afraid they will find out what she already knows, that her movies are shit. Beyonce is going to have her first child? From the looks of things I thought this would be her third. Vanessa Hudgens may convert to Judaism to ingratiate herself with Zac Efron’s family. Feel free to come to my synagogue I will show you my wiener schnitzel.

Kourtney Kardashian has been using a turban. Is that Swedish for dildo? Fired, now hired late night host Conaaaaaan-O'Briiiiiiiennnnn will welcome Seth Rogen, Tom Hanks (rhymes with spanks), Jon Hamm (a porc product) and Michael Cera (today's modern transvestite). Kim K has been ordered to stay away from John Mayer. He is already busy holding up saggy boobs anyway. Taylor Swift speaks, and nobody listens. Uma Thurman showed up on the red carpet with too much white powder on her face? It is called cocaine people. The Osbourne's do lunch? I thought they only "did" each other. Rock jeans like Cameron Diaz? No thanks, but if she wants to rock my jeans she can spell it genes. Michael Lohan is done talking to the National Enquirer. Where will we receive our made up gossip from now (this website hopefully). Ready. Set. Dance! Or turn off your television, either way.

Justin Bieber punched his boyfriend, I mean a random 12 year old during a game of laser tag. I guess the other adolescent tried to Zap Bieber a little too hard. David Arquette and Courtney Cox adore each other…so much they are headed for a divorce. Rapper T.I. (Totally Ignorant) will rejoin his friends in prison for 11 months. Sometimes justice is served and sometimes a sentence is for only 11 months. The marriage contract is broken. Katie Holmes has not been tapped for a role in Mission Impossible 4: Tom Cruise comes out of the Closet. Christina Aguilera has moved on to a new relationship that allows her to be photographed with a clear view of her camel toe. Is Jessica Biel Jealous of Justin T? Even if she is it’s too late to ‘pologize. Courtney Cox is cheating on her husband with a co-star from Cougar Town.

Lindsay Lohan tried to escape confinement to purchase coke, perhaps she should try a Pepsi product in the future. Ben Assflex and Jennifer Garner’s marriage is in trouble. When they tried to convince one another they love each other, both understood it was just bad acting. RPattz and Kristen Stewart will have a voodoo wedding this year. Jennifer Hudson shed 56 pounds. Unfortunately Oprah picked them up. This just in: Corey Feldman is still retarded. Mr. T’s gold is giving him arthritis. I pity the foo…actor. Last week Joy Behar walked off the set of The View when Bill O’Reilly spoke his mind. Walking away was the best thing she ever did…for fans of the show. Now, if only you would walk through the door it would be unavoidable for it to hit you on the ass.

Nicole Kidman slipped over a dress and we somehow saw no nip. Wardrobe malfunctions be damned. If John Mayer wants tocreate lasting art perhaps he will pose for down syndrome monthly. In the latest indication that he is NOT gay, Justin Bieber has launched a nail polish line. Ben Harper and Laura Dern have split and somehow the world keeps turning. Is there girl power in Hollywood? Gwyneth Paltrow and Hillary Swank prove one does not need breasts or good teeth to make it in the business. Rihanna has “mystery” razor slashes on her wrists. Talk about a fun Friday night activity. Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise will reunite on screen, no word yet on how they will behave off screen. Reports indicate Taylor Swift is making new music after becoming “giggly-ga” over a new boyfriend. I believe that is called an orgasm, again no word on when Swift will figure that out. Jessica Simpson drank Red Bulls and then vomited. This is a news story?  I thought it was her breakfast.

On tour Lady Gaga requests honey and an oxygen tank. Talk about a sticky situation. I for one would not mind getting closer to the bees knees. Miley Cyrus has been on a roll (penis) since dancing on a pole. She has been spotted being “touchy-feely” after a visit to the gym. Somebody get me the address of that gym and some roids. I think I’ve got a shot. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore enjoy an open relationship. Demi likes to pick the women. She’s not gay but her girlfriend is. Reports note that Angelina is jealous of the hot, young extras on Pitt’s movie set. Ironic isn’t it? Kim Kardashian is dating Michael Copon (pronounced cou-pon). Isn’t he a bargain? Robert Pattinson’s best friend wants him a piece of Kristen Stewart. Whoa there big fella, there is plenty to go around.

Kelly Osbourne had an emotional bikini photo shoot. I can relate, stretch marks make me cry every time. Jennifer Aniston has been voted the most “Single Eligible Woman in the World”. Is that code word for easy? Why is Kim Kardashian always on the cover of Seventeen? Will she ever stop trying to bed the only white guy in the world for her, Justin Bieber? Will I tune in to Paris Hilton’s new reality show? No, but I heard it blew her away. Miley Cyrus hangs out at strip clubs. Take it off, take it all off Miley. Your music that is, off my radio. Tyra Banks or Gisele Bundchen, does it matter? If Tyra Banks is wearing a fish net on her head, I can think of a few other places to deploy…Katie Holmes recently wore a floral dress. She looked more like bathroom air freshener than a rose. As if Fergie couldn’t get any creepier, she dressed in a fill on cougar’s outfit. This just in, Snooki’s Waist Watchers shipment has been delayed again.

Has Reese Witherspoon had a boob job? Not at all, she is just a late bloomer at age 28. The Wizarding World of Brad Pitt felt shocked and betrayed by Angelina’s love scenes with Johnny Depp in The Tourist. This really makes me want to pay her a visit. Eminem’s next video will portray couples before and after sex. How does dissatisfied really look? I bet Eminem can tell us! Ryan Seacrest and J-Lo have been feuding over dressing rooms? Why not makeup and dresses? Oh, we forgot Ryan is still hiding. Is Kim Kardashian through with Miles Austin and onto Mark Sanchez? She would drive miles for Mexican. Trouble in paradise? RPattz wants Emma Watson. Apparently he likes it shaved. Clooney sends Pitt male escorts as a “prank”. No word on whether or not they earned their commission. Taylor Swift is stealing Lindsay Lohan’s movie roles. Can you believe Kyle Minogue’s plastic surgery is 42? Kim Kardashian has an hourglass figure. When is time going to run out?

Katy Perry wore such a low-cut top Sesame Street officials had to tell Elmo to get his nose out of there! Some say Elmo’shead was stretched out. Well, fake breasts will do that to your head, either one of them.  Jersey Shore’s Snooki had alcohol poisoning but our Get Well card was lost in the mail. Lindsay Lohan visited a homeless shelter where she will likely end up once her money runs out. Kirstie Alley is more than halfway to her weight loss goal. You can take the lipstick off of a pig…On a European promotional tour Kim K dressed in a traditional Oktoberfest garb. We thought she was supposed to be doing a German, not dressing like one. She also wore an all white Spandex jumpsuit that starts with a zipper and ends with a mound of cleavage. Why do we mention this to you? Why not? Kim K also dressed like a sailor and we could not help but to think “all aboard”.

Jolie-Pitt’s kids have a surprising godmother. Surprising because she looks like a crackhead. Fine decision you two! Hmmm, where does Lindsay Lohan belong? Use your imagination. Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are having marriage troubles. Fighting about money (hers), whether or not to have kids (yes, go ahead and ruin her body), and making each other the priority (he has a job?). This just in, Lady Gaga could not appear on Ellen DeGeneres’ show unless she changed out of her meat outfit. I thought Ellen only eats meat? Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are ready to give love a chance again (they love themselves so much, they really do). Did David Beckham have a romantic meeting with a $10,000 a night hooker? He has been married to a $1,000,000 a year expletive deleted for a long time now. Kate Gosselin cannot continue her “reality” show since John will not allow her to make money off of their kids. She will be devastated. Angelina Jolie will release a tell-all memoir soon as a revenge ploy against Jennifer Aniston. When John Mayer cheats with Ange we will be there to tell you. We must have read this headline wrong “Ryan Seacrest proposes to his girlfriend”. An obvious typo. Finally, Kim Kardashian is dating Chris Brown. Way to find a birth control system that really works.

Sources claim Justin Timberlake is sleeping with Mila Kunis while dating Jessica Biel. As if I did not have enough reasons to hate the singer before…Dancing with the Star’s Mike Sorrentino has his penis, I mean eyes set on both Cheryl Burke and Bristol Palin. I guess we are in for a remake called “Nailin’ Palin 2”? Kim Kardashian has cravings, sickness and a growing bump. Some think she is pregnant, I would advise a stricter diet. Ryan Seacrest is reportedly “fuming” over being denied the Larry King interview job. In his best Looney Tunes imitation Seacrest yelled "That job was mine! Mine! It was promised to me!" George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis may have tied the knot. Which knot we are not sure but we do know they have tied at least one. Glee star Lea Michele has been offered $500,000 to show off her “new” body in Playboy. I wonder what her old body looks like. I would pay $5.00 to see it. Chase Crawford is flirting with Rachel Bilson. That two timing, lying, cheating, no good STUD!

Britney Spears’ boyfriend proposed to her money and she acted as a surrogate and said “YES”. While the cat (pussy) is away the mouse (Ashton Kutcher) comes out to play (with a new 21 year old girlfriend) on Demi’s couch (not a typo). Miley Cyrus has violated California law (not sodomy people please!). She was caught driving while talking on a cell phone. The police asked her to put her “hands up”, ok just kidding. Soon thereafter she made out with ex-beau Liam Hemsworth is a parked car. Miley you must have gotten a ticket because you have Fine written all over you. Robert Pattinson and Emma Watson are starring a movie together. Beauty and the beast. Sorry Emma we are just not that into you. Ricki Lake’s house burned down. The bad news? Oh no, we are not going there people!

Kelly Osbourne is having “fun being blond”…and anorexic. Jennifer Lopez will “earn” 12 million dollars for sitting in a chair hiding her obesity. Does she deserve $12,000,000 for opening her mouth? Ask her husband! Ryan Reynolds hates showing off Scarlett Jo to the paparazzi and public. I would keep those bosoms hidden too but I do not have enough fabric. George Michael crashed his automobile into a London camera shop and only got 8 weeks in jail? The judge must have thought it was a photo finish. Justin Bieber cannot stop smiling? What is the definition of “gay” again?

Penelope Cruz is pregnant. Looks like Javier Bardem went all Love in the Time of Cholera on her. Taylor Swift is a star in Sony’s Easy A. If only she would apply her skills that would be an attainable grade point average. Jane Lynch has publicly admitted that Ellen DeGeneres inspired her to come out. Personally I like to do just the opposite (TMI?). Lady Gaga hates the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” legislation. From her lips to her hips. This coming from the woman that dresses so poorly she would make Liberace look boring. Is it possible for Jay-Z to sing without his hat on sideways? The laws of physics and gravity can be so strange! Finally, Mexican television’s reporter Ines Sainz claims she has been affronted by members of the New York Jets. Imagine that? A woman dressed in practically nothing in a men’s locker room with 52 naked men feels embarrassed? I think she feels rejected. Food for thought.

The 5-0 are defending Paris Hilton’s short jail stint. She got out after three hours. I guess she just slipped through the crack. Angelina Jolie has taken a break from cheating on Brad and has visited victims of the multiple inundations (floods) in Pakistan. Billy Ray and Trace Cyrus will host a show about UFO’s. I wonder if that will include Miley’s panties (unidentified flying object). Has anybody else noticed the irony that the dumbest singer of all time has the last name Swift? Jessica Simpson has finally found happiness with Eric Johnson. Who? Apparently he loves her for who she really is. I am glad somebody finally found out. Maybe Simpson will figure it out too. This just in: the Olsen twins look old. Oh, and they stopped being cute 20 something years ago.

Jessica Alba is one of the few actresses to rebound from the baby bump syndrome to regain her previous form. This just in: Katy Perry still looks like a man. Does anyone else think if Kim Kardashian loses another 40 pounds she can play Eva Longoria Parker’s (that’s a mouthful, that’s what she said) stunt double? Cyndi Lauper offered evidence she is on crack (see hair for details). Jesse James and transvestite Kat Von D are a couple. Mindy Kaling’s only fashion faux pas is Mindy Kaling. Finally, usher and Justin Bieber shared a moment backstage. I thought we already predicted this would happen?

The Dancing with the Stars 2010 cast has been revealed. David Hasselhoff will bring his bottle, Bristol Palin will bring her baby and Mike Sorrentino will bring his ball (maybe even both). Will Taylor Lautner settle a business lawsuit with a push-up competition? I thought only Hooters does that? Mickey Rourke has shaved it all, and his head too. Tiger Woods has moved into a bachelor pad in downtown Manhattan. It seems to be Tiger will be “uptown” as much as he will be “downtown” if you know what I mean. Lindsay Lohan wants her career back. Yeah, and I want my ticket money back. Only one of us will get what we want, I am $10 richer. Paris Hilton has been charged with felony cocaine possession. I thought it was baking soda at first but after snorting my arm and hammer told me otherwise. The only real question is why is she not in jail already? Has there ever been a bigger failure and disgrace on a family’s good name?

My favorite T.V. stars performed wonderfully at the Emmys…by not showing up. Neither House nor Entourage won any awards? What a disgrace. How about offering the award for best leading actress in a drama series to Lindsay Lohan for her time in court? This just in Kim Kardashian is in dozens of Emmy pics. This is the first time she has begged for attention. Miley has moved on from Liam. If only her sunglasses and boots would move on…from the 80s her turnaround would be spectacular. Miley may already be dating Douglas Booth, a.k.a. the only actor in the world desperate enough to star in a movie with her. Drew Barrymore seems to have spent too much of the President's stimulus money on her face. Finally, Beyonce has taken heat for showing off her bod in a technocolor dream coat. We think it’s groovy baby, very smashing.

The Oprah regrets she did not have any kids because “I had my show”. Yes, that and food, lots and lots of food. Heidi Montag regrets having ten plastic surgery procedures in one day. She wanted to have a man love her down, but instead the surgeries dumbed her down. Britney spears introduced the brand new trailer trash clothing line replete with a pot belly, thunder thighs, ragged daisy-dukes and a mismatched bikini top showing off her saggy breasts. When asked for an interview one of the unnamed Exorcist actors replied “no way, you’re not going to get it out of me”. Macauley Culken turns 30 soon and if we have learned anything it is to never leave our kids home alone with him. Ben Savage has also turned thirty making us wonder when Man Meets World will be coming out (pun intended).

Michelle Williams has also turned thirty. May we say va va voom Ms. Williams. Playmate Karissa Shannon shows off her good side, back side and pretty much every other side in her sex tape with newly reconstructed Heidi Montag. Lindsay Lohan was released from drug rehab in 23 days. She did her time and paid for her crime (drugs are expensive). Mariah Carey has not confirmed a pregnancy with Nick Cannon. She has always had a bit of a bump, is it a baby or a maybe? Bristol Palin will join Dancing with the Stars. Finally, don’t Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens look great together? She would look better with me, but I will take this one for the team.

Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Cheryl Hines and her husband are divorcing. But, they “will remain close friends”. Everybody knows divorce is amicable! Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox will reunite on Cougar Town. Watch out plastic surgeons they are on the prowl. Lady Gaga is the next Twitter Queen. Kate Winslet is dating a male model (not Derek Zoolander). Friends believe they have something special, their legs are the same size. Selena Gomez is a snazzy dresser. Jennifer Aniston’s history of hair? It came, it saw, it conquered. Actually, it has never changed. Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer have married. Wyclef cannot run for mayor of Haiti. Apparently the country can do without one more piece of garbage on the streets. Neil Patrick Harris may quit show business and become a stay at home dad.

Is Gwyneth Paltrow sleeping with Jay-Z? In New York, the prophylactics will inspire you. Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez may be a couple. Carrie Underwood wants to stay in Nashville because so much more happens there than in Canada. This is a real story not a joke. Justin Timberlake built a 1,000 square foot tree house and no girls are allowed. Sounds like he is bringing back N Sync. Britney Spears does not wash her hair (not sure where anatomically) and rarely changes her clothes. She sounds like a real catch! Sorry ladies George Clooney may be engaged and off the market. Let not your hearts be troubled Lance Bass is still out there somewhere.

Katie Holmes claims that marriage can feel “weird”. Yeah, especially when everyone says your husband needs to come out of the closet. She also lauded Cruise’s acting talent and applauds him for being helpful with developing her acting skills. Jersey Shore’s Ronnie has been arrested for unpaid parking tickets. You must be parked illegally because you have “fine” written all over you. The fashion battle is on but let’s face it Eva Mendes will win every time. Hilary Duff is married and her husband believes she has all the right stuff (money). Should Lindsay Lohan move to New York? Newsflash, they sell drugs there too! At a music festival fans pelted Tila Tequila with rocks and feces. Need I say more to get a laugh out of you people?

So what if Rihanna dresses in red all of the time, she is red hot. Would Kelly Bensimon look hot as a Catholic school girl? Most of us will start praying now. Is James Lipton stylish? You have questions? How existential. Have I ever wondered what happened to the cast of Roseanne? No. Jessica Simpson loves a good tight end, and football players too! Cameron Diaz has boarded the A-Rod Express. Kim Kardashian has trouble keeping a man. First Reggie Bush gave her the Super Bowl shuffle and now Miles Austin wants to be Miles apart. Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla. It will be a cold day in He…I mean Alaska before that happens. Finally, it turns out Drew Barrymore is only 35 years of age.  That may be the most surprising news all week.

Michael Bublé wears a man-gagement ring in honor of fiancé Luisana Loreley Lopilato de la Torre. Now that is a mouthful, that’s what she said! Wrestling executive/guru Linda McMahon has earned (or bought) her nomination as the Republican’s candidate for Connecticut’s senate seat. I hope this is not an angle or a swerve. This just in Man vs. Wild has camera crews and doctors around the set to make sure the star (Bear Grylls) will not die. Sounds so real, really, really, really real. Shaquille O’Neal, a.k.a. “the diesel” or the “big leprechaun” is now a Boston Celtic. Welcome to Boston, it’s showtime. Paris Hilton dressed as Marilyn Monroe but forgot the boobs, the sensuality, and the appeal. Otherwise it is a match! Next time Madonna shows off her softer side get out your camera.

Joe Jonas has a new friend. Joe Jonas has friends? Jon Travolta is being lambasted for having a receding hairline. Turns out the culprit is testosterone. Kelly Preston must be a busy woman. Britney Spears will appear on Glee. You can put lipstick on a pig…well you get the point. Zac Efron points out his relationship with Vanessa Hudgens is “real”. Fantasia is doing fine after a suicide attempt. What a believable sentence. Kourtney Kardashian amidst rumors that she is a fat moron tweeted “I'm such a bitch when I'm hungry, like stone cold biatch”. Those rumors are now dispelled. David Beckham is rehabbing his Achilles tendon. Finally, Emma Watson has gone “pixie” on us. It gives the expression “shaved” a bad name.

Ashley Tisdale and Zac Efron are just friends. Dude get out of the friend zone there is no turning back. Before you know it you will be having lunch together talking about her dates.  Justin Bieber wants a piece of Kim Kardashian. My only question is which piece? There are so many to choose from. Tomkat may have a crush on Cameron Diaz. Oh no, a real life Twihard situation is breaking out. Kristen Stewart is getting closer and closer to Taylor Lautner. Before you know it he will be sleeping in the tent with her and Rob. Rod Stewart will become a father again at age 65. Maybe that’s why they call him Rod, know what I mean?

Alec Baldwin has a soap opera past? I couldn’t tell by the way he treats his ex-wife and daughter. At the Teen Choice Awards I much preferred Selena Gomez’s outfit. Why was Kim Kardashian there? Looking for a new boy, I mean man. Is it true? The greatest news of all time? Jen is stealing Brad back? Shady rumors (aren’t all rumors inherently shady? Lol) suggest Tiger will marry Rachel Uchitel and have a baby with her. That’s nice but when will he learn how to golf again? Is Lindsay Lohan back on crystal meth? Rock on Lindsay! Does Jake Gyllenhaal smoke too much pot? Miley Cyrus’ agents are scurrying to keep her image pure. I think getting her tits done will do wonders to achieving that goal! Will Britney Spears release a new album? Who? Finally, the president, Mr. Obama has hosted another sports team at the white house. Pretty soon theyhave to start busing in cheerleaders.

Carrie Underwood appeared in New York to show off her bling ring. She looks cute as a button, Benjamin Button. President and Dictator Barak Obama made an appearance on what I have termed Tales From the Crypt, I mean The View. It is a daytime liberal talk show with three obese loudmouths and one clueless conservative. Obama discussed his plans for world domination and extending the presidency to a life term. The ladies of course dissented by falling all over the President. This just in: Leah Remini used to be hot. Fresh off the wire, Drew Carey has lost 70 pounds amidst rumors CBS is bringing back Bob Barker to The Price is Right. For an upcoming episode of 90210 Kim Kardashian will be playing “an exaggerated version of herself”. What can be more exaggerated than being naked on top of spaghetti on the internet? We will see during sweeps week people. I do not want to be that broom.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell recently told an international war crimes tribunal that she received “dirty looking” pebbles and had no idea they were in fact blood diamonds. Honest mistake, sometimes I think Fruity Pebbles are magical pieces of a rainbow that have fallen off when windy. Does anyone else think the world’s fastest men are rather premature? Mary-Kate Olsen feels 48. I would not mind taking her measurements, I do fine tailoring. Singer Bjork has gone green with her fashion. Is she trying to land a role in The Leprechaun part 4? Rob Reiner once flipped out over love. Rob, I thought you said there is no ass just the top of the legs? Am I missing something? Angelina has bought Pax a manicure kit. Heck I remember my first manicure kit when I was six…Oops I forgot I live on planet Earth.

Sandra Bullock is the highest paid leading actress. Who should earn more money? How about Paris Hilton? Nobody fakes it like she does. Is Miley Cyrus still planning on a breast augmentation for her 18^th birthday? Maybe she should go to the dentist first. One thing at a time you know? Britney Spears bought candy at the mall. I thought it was a pearl necklace she as after not a candy necklace. Justin Bieber is going all 3D on us. I cannot wait to see Justin inches away from my face. Jennifer Aniston is a big fan of Barbara Streisand only she cannot sing at all. What a striking parallel! Finally, Kim Kardashian dresses in pumps, take that in any direction you want people!

Snookie of the Jersey Shore has been arrested. Speculation has arisen having the dumbest name in the annals of history may be the cause. Chelsea Clinton has tied the knot. Wow, good hands Chelsea. Does Miley Cyrus want breast implants? Hard-hitting journalism here people. Shia Labeouf may be dating his costar on Transformers 3. Apparently there is more to her than meets the little eye. This just in, Taylor Lautner can in fact look dumber, scientists agree it is possible. The universe just folded over itself and collapsed. Lady Gaga and Amy Winehouse will collaborate on a new record.  In the words of Jackie Mason, Oy Guvalt. Katie Holmes is pregnant again, congratulations. J-Lo and Aerosmith will join American Idol. They are adding the much needed out of touch with reality quotient. Finally, if Kim K kills in a dress why am I still alive?

Chris Brown made a surprise cameo (too bad it wasn’t in jail). Ellen Pompeo should have shown off her Hollywood “Hills” and skipped the house part. Why did Maddox freak out seeing Angelina? Who knows but that is one salty dish. Rihanna has already made an acting debut. Can one debut twice? Mel Gibson has gone to church. “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I left too many teeth in my girlfriend’s mouth.” Angelina took most of the kids to Japan. Has anyone else noticed that Spencer Pratt looks like a hairy Philip Seymour Hoffman? Chelsea Clinton is gearing up for her wedding of the year. Justin Bieber will appear on an episode of CSI. Criminologists will do everything they can to determine how a 16 year old can look that gay. Somebody had to say it folks, oh baby baby.

Christina Applegate has a baby bump. This after sitting on her husband’s (fill in the blank people, doesn’t anyone appreciate Andrew Dice Clay anymore?). Brittany Murphy may have died from toxic mold. That and drugs…drugs mostly. Since Spain proved victorious in the World Cup singer Enrique Iglesias will water ski naked. Viva la rasa! RPattz versus the Paparazzi and the Paparazzi won.  Lady Gaga has made more than $60 million. At this point I would not mind being caught in a bad romance with her even if she sings baby talk all day. Ra ra oo la la gag a, etc etc.

Eva Mendes loves making fun of herself. I am beautiful, rich and posed half naked for PETA. What is so funny Eva? The Jersey Shore cast will receive a huge pay raise. Did New Jersey raise taxes again? Any article beginning with "Megan Fox Flashes" takes my breath away. Any article fully reading "Megan Fox Flashes Huge New Wedding Ring" has the opposite effect. Two of Entourage's stars, Kevin Dillon and Kevin Connolly, have purchased a restaurant in N.Y. Brad Pitt shaved and he is still a hunk. Lindsay Lohan's journey to jail goes a little something like this. Sniff Elmer's glue. Sniff parfum. Sniff your armpits, Sniff cocaine. Sirens. Oh goody an article titled "Reese's Family Fun in the Sun". I hope she let the twins out.

Authorities found less than a gram of marijuana on Paris Hilton. I wonder what a cavity search would have turned up? Singer/rapper/jouster feisty pop star Pink fell off the stage at one of her concerts. She continued singing. Carmen Electra and Lil Kim worse the same dress. I sure hope Carmen washed it first. Paris went to Paris. I think the world just came to an end. Jessica Biel craves potato chips and I crave Jessica Biel. Does that mean I need to start eating? Leo DiCaprio looks forward to settling down when he finds the right...uh...umm partner. If some women are too hot to handle why not use over mitts?

Any article that starts with "Kelsey Grammer slams" had better be about a pornographic video. Kate Hudson has a new man. Well he is not 1 day old, he is simply recently dating her. Sorry for the confusion. George Michael has been arrested in London after a car crash. Lindsay Lohan's father does not want his daughter to go to jail today. It might interfere with her busy schedule of doing nothing. Maybe she is free tomorrow? Does Zac Efron have a dark side? Of course, he hates Robert Pattinson. Poor RPattz has had some tough love.

Actor Andrew Garfield is the new Spiderman. Tobey Maguire's back problems, ego problems, and inability to rise about the minimum height requirement for amusement park rides has prevented him from continuing in the role. Would I attend a Kardashian fourth of July barbecue? I am not really their type but the ly sisters do have some appeal (ugly (Khloe), fugly (Kourtney) and beastly (Kim)). Damn Julia Roberts started a trend. Forget the onscreen talent, what happens backstage stays backstage. Jenna Fisher has married her writer Lee Kirk. So much for Captain Kirk. Finally, we would like to say Happy Birthday America and many more.

Russian spies are hot. I hope they will appear in Playboy soon. Megan Fox married Brian Austin Green. Ladies and gentlemen this means Beauty and the Beast is true! Kristen Stewart is now a red-head. Guess I am going strawberry picking. Lindsay Lohan's tea did not set off her scram, it activated her tram-p. Jon Gosselin has a Korean dragon tattoo. I thought only Kate breathed fire? Mario Lopez intends to marry the mother of his child. He is such a stud it is surprising it has taken this long for someone to snag him off the meat market. Motley Crue singer Vince Neil has been arrested for DUI. Really? Is that the best the police can do with charging this guy? Have you seen the video of Katy Perry in California Gurl? It is so hot it will melt your poopsicle. The new Facebook term is "twi-hard" as in Twilight Diehard for the layman. Some of us think the term is really a euphemism (substitute people) for the word re-tard. What do I miss most about Michael Jackson? Seeing him on trial for molesting children comes to mind. On that note, who in their right mind would purchase his black glove? Got hand sanitizer?

Eminem wants to be a role model. Kids if you live in a trailer and can pretend to be a wapper (white rapper) this could be you! Don't forget y'alls overalls. Rumour has it Lady Gaga makes Christina Aguilera insecure. She makes me feel kind of funny too. Are Bradley Cooper and Rene Zellweger an item? Can anyone else imagine a more obnoxious couple? Anyone? Buehler? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie cannot be finished, besides they look so in love...with themselves. Is it true that Rpatzz Robert Pattinson plans to dump Kristen Stewart? Who will he date next? Is Lance Bass available? Buffy the Vampire Slayer is almost back. Sarah Michelle Gellar has gotten tired of playing mommy. Now she wants to go slary some vampires. Look out Twilight stars, you're next! Nick Lachey wants to hve a baby so he will get a reality show. That is all well and good but where is my reality show? If I get one will Kate Gosselin date me? Finally, Miley Cyrus is dating Liam Hemsworth (he sounds like royalty). At least now we know whose pole she is dancing on.

There is a new article entitled "New York vet dogs Mariah Carey over pets' bills". When we asked ourselves for a comment we could only respond "woof woof, that makes me want to arf". Eclipse is set to premiere. Ironically the only stimulus that could cause the film to tank is a blackout. The Jessica Simpson jeanswear collection is here at last. Move along Lame Bryant, this fatty is for you. Fox's Futurama has returned. Apparently they always knew this would happen. Kim Kardashian has moved on to a new leading man for the role of African American lover. His name is Miles Austin and he plays for the Dallas Cowboys. Apparently he has not been getting much practice of late since Kim has taken his balls. Bachelor star Jake Pavelka should now start dating the one person as shallow as himself, himself. Is that even legal or is it incest?

Dakota Fanning loves dark gothic outfits and we love tight pants. What do the two tidbits have in common? A mutual love for all things Dakota, whether they be north or south. Kellie Pickler is getting married. Her man Mr. Jacobs obviously hates sour grapes. His favorite is a sour pickle. Anna Paquin is comfortable naked. What a coincidence me too. What are the odds she and I will be naked together? I am in Las Vegas people I need to at least calculate it. Katie Holmes has made a denim statement of her own. Hers is a throwback to the 70s. If she is not careful Jessica Simpson will eat her out of house and holmes. Lady Gaga prefers leather chaps. We like assless chaps, Perhaps we can meet somewhere in the middle?

American Pie and Street Fighter actor Chris Klein has been arrested for a second DUI. Come on Oz, driving sober is like warm apple pie, it always feels good. Marc Anthony's daughter is a songwriter. Me too, here I sit broken hearted, came to...Oh you get the idea. Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are engaged again. I guess nobody knows better what it's like not to be able to get a good acting job like Brian Austin Green. From Transformers to Malformers? Megan you have fallen faster than Betty White's boobs post push up bra. RPattz says that kissing felt natural in Eclipse. It always does in the dark Robert. Who should take Simon Cowell's seat as lead judge on American Idol? Cancel the show.

Speaking of 90210 rejects, Tori Spelling blames contracting the swine flu, stomach pains (laxatives), migraines (unemployment), and nerve problems (cannot act) for her skinnyness. All of this drivel is in her new book TerriTORI. Cameron Diaz will turn 38 soon. It is almost time to add her name to the conversation of MILFs. Eva Mendes is "the new American Girl"? What does that make people who are not Cuban? Don't go there, don't go there. Brooke Mueller is not in rehab...but she should be! I have seen the photo of Halle Berry and she looks great in a bathing suit. Know where she would look even better? In my swimming pool...If I had one. Tiffany Thiessen and her husband welcome a baby girl. When she grows up we hope she will not have an inflated ego, but boobs are still A ok.

Actor John Stamos has joined the cast of Fox's hit television show "Glee". That makes me so happy I just want to sing. Taylor Lautner from Twilight, Eclipse and New Moon claims it is hard to stay fit with a six pack and massive biceps. Injecting steroids into your glutes is not as easy as it looks on infomercials people! OMG OMG OMG Robert Pattinson has tweeted about World Cup soccer. Katy Perry has traveled to Paris and has spoken with the papa, paparazzi. She is the lead singer for the new single "California Gurls". Does her mispelling of the word girls make her a muron? Lady Gaga has gone street? Say it ain't so. You are such a bad role model Mr. President! Stop telling people you want to kick their asses and maybe Lady Gaga will clean her act up.

Paris Hilton wants to help Lindsay Lohan restore her life to the way it was. Brad and Jen had another secret meeting behind closed doors. It was so secret only I know about it...and the entire world. Zac Efron is jealous of the attention give to R Patz! Maybe if you tweeted a little more often Zac this would never have happened! Are Charlize Theron and Ryan Gosling an item? Lady Gaga wants to pose for Playboy? Doesn't she understand the only thing we want to see her wearing is her Poker Face? Perez Hilton and Halle Berry have split. Sorry Halle, your name is back in the tabloids. Kim Kardashian is trying to steal the Tomb Raider franchise away from Angelina Jolie! Hasn't she raided enough tombs already? Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore exercise together in the nude! Hey they stole that idea from Will Smith and his wife. No fair. Katie Holmes may be pregnant again, yay. Finally, Mariah Carey has instructed her manager to acquire all things Marilyn Monroe. Let's hope there is no food left over!

There is a rotating home for sale in the United States. One minute the price goes up and the next minute it goes down. Talk about a turn around! In her new video "Alejandro" Lady Gaga challenges Madonna's religion but most importantly she insinuates she has a stable of Latin lovers...ehemm...Alejandro...Roberto... Fernando...Jonathano? A masked man has robbed a West Palm Beach bank. Was it Batman again or Dog Wonder (Robin)? Finally some good news! Ben Bernanke says the economy is recovering. The bad news: he is lying. Kendra says her sex tape will make she and husband Hank "better parents". I might have to look into home made pornography! Singer Chris Brown has been denied entry into the United Kingdom. Sorry Chris, better luck next beating, I mean time.

The Mentalist has finally gone...well...Mental! Larry King's wife has overdosed on pills. Honey, no matter how long you wait he is not going to die and leave you a billion dollars. Looks like he will inherit your money at this point. Shania Twain has finalized her divorce and claims to be "radiantly happy" with her new man. Whatever makes you sing like a canary. Jwoww has debuted a new side of herself. Most would expect that side to be the back but it turns out she is as stupid as her namesake and her front is what we are stuck with. David Spade has enjoyed a night with the Grown Ups (anybody over 5' tall looks like an adult next to Spade). Heidi Montag has filed for separation. Does this mean she will show us the whole montage of her work? Lindsay Lohan's bail has been set for $200,000. She will fit in just fine in prison! Like it? She's gonna love it!

Katherine Heigl has submitted her name for an Emmy. The worldwide public has submitted their vote...No. Lakers star Lamar Odom's girlfriend Khloe Kardashian has said "I'm not pregnant; I'm just fat." We think she woud make a wonderful model for Lame Bryant, not to be confused with Kobe. 59 year old radio sensation Rush Limbaugh has wedded longtime girlfriend Kathryn Rodgers (33). All of us conversationalists, music lovers and thrill-seekers across the fruited-plain wish them both mega-marriage dittos. Kate Gosselin has some advice for women; do not marry until you are 30...or have 8 kids in one sitting...or make a fool of yourself of national TV...or have too many botox injections...or marry Jon Gosselin.

Singer Bjorck has big toes and we all know what that means...Actually I have no idea but nothing from someone named Bjorck surprises me. Charlie Sheen's legal team has asked for the star to teach acting classes at a nonprofit theater as part of his legal agreement. Nobody plays himself better on television that the whore-mongering/alcoholic/abusive boyfriend Charlie Sheen! Two and a Half Arrests (meant to be sung). Orlando Bloom has overcome dyslexia. What will he do for his acting? In arecent interview he also discussed being able to have sex with any woman he wants. Wait...did he say women? Sheryl Crow is contributing to global warming. She has adopted another baby. No word yet on his toilet paper allowance. For Best Male Performance at the MTV Movie Awards we nominate Daniel Radcliffe for The Half-Blood Prince as number one and as a close second Zac Efron for 17 Again. Finally, Amanda Seyfried has dished about her Aussie pup. Frankly Amanda there are other puppies we want to see, I mean hear about!

English "royalty" Sarah Ferguson accepted a bribe while totally broke and totally drunk. We think her excuse is totally stupid! Hey everyone I cheated on my wife but it is ok, I was totally drunk and totally broke! I might just have to use that one. Sarah Jessica Parker's style has evolved...as has her face...botox...boobs...and skin. We think the she is having less sex in the city than ever. Celine Dion is pregnant with twins! This is just in time for the babies to call her husband great grandpa. Asked for a comment Dion said she feels like she "has been pregnant for more than a year". I think she is mixing up pregnancy and her career which has been dead twice as long. Rihanna is sexier than ever in new music video "Rockstar 101". Maybe she will let me be the captain this time, giddy up! While spending time at the beach with their children Pax and Maddox (why not Dax and Wax? Or even Tax?) Brad and Angelina were described as "very affectionate". Sounds like they are madly in love.

While Jennifer Garner has been out filming a new movie husband Ben Aflleck has been Mr. Mom. Ben, your man card is safe with us, locked in the safe until you are ready to stop being Fran Dresher. Hulk Hogan is suing Cocoa Pebbles. Apparently they defamed his likeness when he actually lost a wrestling match. His contract clearly states he is supposed to win no matter what brother. Carrie Underwood (nice porn name) has a new video entitled "Undo it". If only that could be applied to her career. Actor Dennis Hopper (Speed, "Crash", True Romance, etc) has died at the age of 74. Despite having diminished popularity the actor will be missed. Finally, we prefer Lindsay Lohan as a red head, but sources tell us the curtains never match the drapes.

Jessie James claims child abuse led him to become a sadistic pig. Psychiatrists are working hard on finding a connection between big busty biker babes (my assonative fantasy) and child abuse. Bristol Palin claims becoming pregnant at 17 was "humiliating", but giving birth at 18 was alright! Vienna Girardi wants to be on Dancing with the Stars. She will fit in perfectly, she wants attention and I have no idea who she is. Fergie is scandal plagued. I thought she was scandal-less? Ah I see a common misspelling, it is scandalous. Emma Watson tastes butterbeer! When asked to try smart balance she replied "I just can't believe it's not butter". Joe Jonas dumped his girlfriend. A poll asks who he should go after next...Is Lance Bass available?

Tom Cruise takes advice from his four year old daughter Suri on what screenplays to choose. The difference between her and Katie Holmes is Knight and Day! Lindsay Lohan must wear a device that monitors her alcohol intake. Good that that is the only thing being measured going into her body. Heidi Montag says she has no friends. We beg to disagree, we have seen the twins and they can be our pals anytime. The only John Corbett (Aidan) Sex and the City 2 spoiler is that he is in the film. Finally, Ellen Degeneres has started a record label. Her first client is only 12 years old. I thought working with 12 year olds was Michael Jackson's dream job?

Lindsay Lohan is not dating a 36 year old female photographer, she is just screwing her! John Travolta's life could not get any worse. His two dogs were run over at Maine's Bangor Airport. Worst of all they were leashed. Kendra Wilkinson is on the cover of a sex tape. Oh well, it couldn't be worse than husband Hank's flop in the Super Bowl. Somebody get Vegas on the phone, Hank put all of his eggs in one Baskett. Co-star says Jake Gyllenhaal is an "all right kisser". Not only does he kiss your face, he kisses your ass! CBS has canceled Cold Case (they never solved anything anyway) and the Ghost Whisperer (apparently even when viewers turned up the volume they couldn't hear anything). Amy Adams gave birth to a girl. Her career counselor has already told her to become an actress, just like mom.

Is Shia Labeouf modest or a total idiot? Asked at the Cannes festival about his performances in Indiana Jones and Transformers he said his performances tanked and that he "dropped the ball", more like both of them Shia, your man card is hereby revoked. I am excited to see Matthew Perry back on T.V. Will he be bringing his flask with him or just drink from the bottle? Cate Blanchett says she is misunderstood. I agree, now please pose for Playboy and help us understand. Kate Gosselin will be a correspondent on Entertainment Tonight. Who better to gossip about Kate than herself? The Jonas Brothers gave a free concert. No wonder why nobody showed up, nothing is for free. Is Gwen Stefani hiding a baby bump? Can't a girl eat anymore without being called pregnant? Sorry Kirstie, people can be so judgmental.

Blue is Mariah Carey's lucky color. Not only does she like wearing it, it is also skin tight. We get to see all of the waves of the ocean in motion. What do you call a man with a one inch penis? Just-in. Oh, on a sidenote Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus recently had dinner, but I am sure it was strictly platonic. Nobody knows if his testes have descended yet. George Clooney is stingy about his boobs. Oh, we misread that headline, booze, booze. Stay thirsty Clooney. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are headed for a divorce. But they looked so happy together hidden under their Jedi robes and sweats. If misery loves company, why split up? Everybody wants Betty White. She may be invited onto Dancing with the Stars. Sources confirm she is already in her twilight years so victory should be a sinch. The entire cast of Jersey Shore is being replaced. Apparently they want actors who are not the children of the Sopranos cast to be in the third season. Trouble in paradise? Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart had some issues over his missing a flight and delaying the shooting of a closing scene of Eclipse. Perhaps their relationship is headed for a blackout? Does Jennifer Aniston parade around topless at home? If she doesn't, she should.

David and Victoria Becham are getting spicey! She wants to bend his Beckam for another child. He wants to keep things straight as an arrow. What's this? Kim Kardashian wants Rene Zellweger's man Bradley Cooper? Ironic, she is the one on the prowl and Rene is the cougar! Tom Cruise wants another baby. Poor Katie, I told you to choose Dawson! Claudia Shiffer is having a baby girl. Bret Michaels will appear on Oprah. Paris Hilton arrived at Cannes dressed like a princess. It is every whore's dream. Is Jaden Smith the "kung fu kid"? Nope, but he is Will Smith's kid and that is good enough to land him the role. P Diddy has never conquered love. It must be so hard to look in the mirror P! I mean Diddy. Kate Gosselin is having trouble raising 8 kids and criticizing her ex-husnabd at the same time.

Katy Perry tops Maxim magazine's Hot 100 list. I picked Kim Kardashian in front of her, if you know what I mean! Maybe we can all agree Rosie O'Donnell should be behind? Zac Efron went jogging, no word on what he was running away from. Maybe the same thing Tom Cruise is always sprinting from? Barbara Walters is scheduled to have heart valve surgery. I did not know she had a heart. Here are five words I hope never to hear again: "Kate Gosselin throws pool party". Lena Horne recorgnized as the first black leading lady died at 92. It is funny that Jessica Simpson has attacked the media for her weight issues, inability to maintain a relationship and her sense of style that even Lady Gaga abhors. Maybe when her hair dye wears off and her brain grows back she will blame herself! Talk about deflection, even Dr. House cannot pull that off.

Adam Sandler listens to his mom, he just doesn't agree with anything she says! In recognition of the Twilight films many sheep, I mean fans, are naming their babies Jacob and Bella. Why not Oscar and Meyer? Or Ketchup and Mustard? Salt and Peppa? We give up. Betty White hosted S&L but she sounds more like a follower of S&M. Bring it Betty, oh you bring it! Miley Cyrus cannot be tamed. Even Shakespeare agrees, why just you read "Taming of the Shrew"! Finally, Pink has been told she is not pretty enough. Perhaps a name change is in order. Why not purple? Yellow? Pink responded "that's OK. I'm unique". You sure are Pink! You go boy.

Jude Law is once again "very happy" with Sienna Miller. If only moviewatchers felt the same way...In an upcoming film Lindsay Lohan will portray a 70s porn star. This is a bit of a stretch, going from a present day whore to a 70s ho? Nelly is still trying to sell his apple bottom jeans. No word yet on whether the boots are free with the fur! Justin Bieber went to the movies, anyone else having their heart beat fast? No? Maybe he isn't a heartthrob. The Sex in the City girls had cat fights while filming the sequel to the sequel to the series Sex and the City. Talk about dishing dirt, bad pussy can never get along!

Chris Brown is in court for a probabtion update. Sources say he still beat his wife and committed infanticide but updates must be made people. At the Iron Man 2 world premiere Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow showed off the virtues of plastic surgery and hair dye. Oscar for best make up you say? Tory Spelling and Dean McDermott are renewing their vows...to take more laxative dietary supplements. Bret Michaels will make the most of his second chance at life. Shockingly Cheech Marin may very well be America's smartest celebrity...competing on Jeopardy. Amanda Sayfried you naughty naughty bad girl. Apparrently the starlet keeps her long distance relationship alive with a web cam. Imagine what she could do with a Canon!

Michael Douglas' son looks suspiciously like actor Clark Duke, give or take a few drug related tattoos. Cameron Douglas has been sentenced to five years in prison for dealing methamphetamines from a trendy Manhattan hotel. Imagine how long his sentence would have been if the hotel were not so trendy. In all reality we love Michael Douglas and wish his son well, provided he stops dealing and taking drugs. Seth Green is now married to a woman who is taller than him. Unfortunately so is every woman on the planet. Regrettably, his marriage plans preclude him from starring in The Smurfs. "Georgy Girl" Lynn Redgrave has died at 67. Her lesbian haircut was 19. Luckily Georgy Boy is still alive, it is only his career that is dead (Jason Alexander). While renewing her vows Mariah Carey has exhibited major cleavage. If she did not it is quite possible her husband Nick Cannonball would run the other way. John Mayer's Heartbreak is that he was born John Mayer.

My favorite Iron Man 2 cast member is Robert Downey Jr. I have a crush on his ability to do stuff like pronounce his lines correctly. According to a recent article Angelina Jolie has "bee-stung lips", ouch. Too bad the hive missed her breasts. Joe Jonas has left the nest. Oh did I mention there was an oil spill? Not to worry, it is not even close to as slick as President Obama! This just in from the Celebrity Rumor Mill, scientist Stephen Hawking finished figuring out the universe and has moved on to how Taylor Swift can walk and talk and be that dumb. No word on the progress of his calculations. Finally, country singer Chely Wright has revealed she is gay. We wish her all the best and hope she finds the wright girl for her.

Ashlee Simpson's son's name is Bronx. They live in L.A. In a recent interview Michael Caine remembers meeting Charlie Chaplin who failed to recognize him and dismissed him as an annoying fan! Lindsay Lohan recently held a gun to her mouth. Anyone else wish she pulled the trigger? Just kidding. Heidi Klum says her provocative pics with Seal are not "Naked Voodoo". Too bad. Shakira wants to speak out on immigration law. If she holds a concert afterward somebody might listen. Rumors swirl on Twitter that certain celebrities have died. Poor Taylor Lautner misread a Tweet about his death, he did not realize that when somebody wrote he killed the movie it did not indicate his own demise.

Eva Longoria has a signature scent. No wonder why Tony Parker married her! Celine Dion constructed a "titanic-sized" water park in her backyard. No word yet on whether Kevin Costner is invited. Justin Bieber's favorite girl is himself. Any article that begins with "Inside Paris" makes me laugh. Jessie James has a huge hole in his heart. If only he could have settled for a smaller one. Meanwhile Sandra Bollocks (joking!) has adopted a baby and filed for divorce. Lady Gaga's latest outfit looks perfect for a mid-winter's vacation in sunny Alaska. Lindsay Lohan to celebrity rehab? First you have to have a brain and then you can recover. Sorry Lindsay.

Jesse James has removed his wedding ring. I wonder if his new ring vibrates? Kim Kardashian shares a "personal" pic...of her nephew. If only she knew what we really want. Oh well, we can always check the archives! After a brain hemmorhage Bret Michaels' prognosis is "not good". No kidding. Some doctors really know how to give us deep insight. The "Dancing with the Stars" judges are not "constructive". Isn't it their job to be deconstructive? Criticizing judges is kind of oxymoronic isn't it? Justin Bieber's Aussie concert was canceled due to an unruly mob of teenagers. Who could have seen that one coming?

The new season of "The Hills" will bring new drama. Ummm, the show is a drama, how stupid do they think we are? That is like saying you are going to the grocery store to buy (wait for it...wait for it) groceries. Justin Bieber has achieved more at sixteen than I could ever hope to? I want to be a homosexual teen with a woman's voice, a bad haircut and almost no schooling? Taylor Momsen claims she "wants to be Kurt Cobain". No problem Taylor, I am sure there is an ex out there waiting to push you off a building. Lindsay Lohan has been fired from her next film The Other Side. She did do a great job however of finding the other side...of the door. Jennifer Aniston has been hanging out with Adam Sandler. That was a bombshell I know!

Joe Biden will be a guest on ABC's Tales From The Crypt, I mean The View. On The View there is a total of one view. No word yet on whether Biden will wear his hair plugs. Matthew McConaughey flirted with Carrie Underwood. Apparently Matt petitioned to show her his own wood. Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) believes her husband would love her if she were 500 pounds (Kirstie Alley). Sharon Osbourne will turn her breast implants into paperweights. No word yet on what she will do with Ozzy's brain. Bret Michaels (who?) says he could have died from an appendectomy. Yeah in 1886. Have you been to a hospital before Bret?

According to Yahoo's film department people must watch Clueless before they die. Watching a movie about a clueless teenager will surely help people figure out what to make of their lives. Lady Gaga is the most viewed star on Youtube. Michelle Obama goes sleeveless. Oh sorry, I was having a nightmare on Elm Street. Oh no it is true, she did go sleeveless but she sure didn't turn flab into fab, nor did Obama turn water into wine, although he said he did in his last speech. Kate Beckinsale or Demi Moore? I would give them both a blast from the past. This just in, Britney Spears and Jennifer Love Hewitt have round bottoms. No word yet on the rest of their bodies. Showing the world photos of oneself without photoshop is brave? I must be more fearless than Jet Li.

Spring style is in the bag? You mean the bags under J-Lo's eyes? It must get so tiring carrying around a Louis Vitton purse all day. Tila Tequila makes music. For example let's read a line from her religious line up "ahhhh omg omg omg ahhhh". Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt have split again. One observer said "Paris wears the pants in their relationship". No wonder why Doug is always walking around in his underwear. Paris you have enough money, buy your own pants! Some believe Reggie Bush is spending time in Paris. Sorry Kim, Reg might lose that Super Bowl ring before he gives you an engagement one.

Does Britney Spears deserve praise for posting photos of herself without makeup on? Umm she went on Facebook and I missed it? An article reads "Khloe Kardashian has really come into her own." If only Reggie Bush could say the same! Singer/Lesbian Melissa Etheridge has split with her wife Tammy Lynn Michaels. Previously Tammy said "I was like life-stoppingly shocked. We cried! We sobbed...she had the ring made and everything. She picked out the diamond. She's like one of those romantics that you watch on TV." Now I am crying and I am like shocked. Angelina Jolie says she does "cool" stunts to impress her kids. How about impressing an audience? I hear that helps too. Kate Gosselin has no idea who or what Jon does for a living. Kate, what do you do for a living? Let's start there. This just in, Ricky Martin is completely new a new video. Sorry I cannot give you the link to www.Youporn.com it is beneath me.

Jessica Simpson has chopped off her hair. Most Americans when polled expressed interest in being her razor. "Songstress" Shakira will build a school in Haiti. No word yet on whether there will be teachers or classes. Glee's Jane Lynch is engaged to a lesbian, thus confirming she herself is a lesbian. Kate Gosselin "doesn't get the point of Dancing with the Stars". Really? She is not a failed "celebrity" in desperate need of attention and a pay day? Conan O'Brien begins a comedy tour just a few short decades after he stopped being funny.

Gywneth Paltrow had to gain weight for an upcoming role as Charlie Sheen, I mean an alcoholic. "Designing Women's" Dixie Carter has died. Days after letting the Twits know she and Jim Carrey are no longer the craziest couple in history, Jenny McCarthy closes her autism school. Good thing Shakira just opened an instutiton of higher learning. Brandy Norwood wants more kids. No word on whether they will attend Shakira's school. Pictures were just released of Jessica Simpson post hair chopping. If this is an April Fool's joke, the joke is on her.

Jennifer Love Hewitt ordered her hot bod off of T.V. Me too, her name is Isis and she is inflatable. In all seriousness the actress bought the Ab Circle Pro and ever since she has done a great job of pretending she has abs. Jessica Alba is not only an actress (although she plays one on T.V.), she is as smart as a Zen philospher. Recently she said "If you have the love, and the capacity to love children, you should just adopt. And I plan on doing it." She is so intelligent she just told 350 million people in America that only people with "love" adopt children and those who do not adopt children are what exactly? Miley Cyrus' newest album due out this summer has some "stuff" that is techno based. The only stuff we want to see from Miley sure ain't techno!

Tori Spelling and husband Dean McDermott will soon start the fifth season of their reality show "Torry and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood" with a spring soiree. The 6.5 viewers of the show were polled and said this this is a terrific idea. Which couple will likely rekindle their romance a yahoo.com poll asks. Sandra Bullock and Jesse James gets our vote. He needs protection and she can provide it. Jessica Simpson wants to be a mom in ten years. What is stopping her? She is "pretty picky". Truer words were never spoken. She likes her nose because it has a bump. She derives self confidence from plastic surgery not from her myriad of boyfriends. Dancing with the Stars' Erin Andrews claims she will not stop living her life just because of death threats but she admits she might not live it the same way! Finally, Anna Paquin is bi, and that makes us just a little bit more curious.

What's this? Jennifer Aniston has been slammed for wearing a salmon-colored dress? We would love to slam her in or because she is wearing a salmon colored dress. Something smells fishy here. Jamie Foxx has earned a pilot over at Fox. OMG OMG OMG Cameron Diaz like so totally wears short shorts. The question is do we want her to? Angelina Jolie will star in the latest remake of Sleeping Beauty. She will play the wicked fairy godmother. Asked how she plans to prepare tabloidists chimed in she already does at home! Miley Cyrus' boyfriend is a guy. His name is Liam Hemsworth and he is 17. Her dream boyfiend however is a real man. Katy Perry kissed Justin Bieber at the Kids' Choice Awards. Was it Bieber's choice to be molested? Is he old enough to wake up in Vegas? No? Well how about waking up in Perry?

I am not sad that The Hills will be coming to an end, it has not been the same since Lauren Conrad left. Who is Lauren Conrad? Kiefer Sutherland's 24 will be canceled after 8 seasons. Chloe Sevigny called her own show Big Love awful. Is it really a crime to be honest? I just read an article entitled "Angelina's Adorable Twin Tots". It was not about what I expected it to be about. Is Sarah Jessica Parker really "2 Hot 2 Handle? Well then I will wear over mits because this woman is menopausal. She is even giving me hot flashes! Finally, Jesse James prefers big busty biker babes to his wife Sandra Bullock. Guess he married her for love?

Elin Woods is buff. She must have added 150 million worth of protein to her diet! Chad Ochocinco Johnson of the Cincinatti Bengals wants to dance like Lady Gaga, and dress like her to. Any truth to the rumors of Chad being bisexual? Disney has banned fake breasts in the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I guess even this swashbuckling adventure is booby trapped. Sascha Baron Cohen A.K.A. Bruno and Borat has married Shopaholic Isla Fisher. Asked for a post ceremony comment reporters only overheard people uttering Nice! Craig Ferguson, late night host, believes Conan's dismissal is a wake-up call. That and his rock-bottom Flinstone ratings. Brad Pitt is growing a beard out of boredom. If so, why is Angelina clean shaven ;)? Kelly Osbourne has been injured in a dog fight. How many times did Ozzy tell her to stop fighting?

Kimora Lee Simmons is back for Life in the Fab Lane. Personally, I take the HOV lane but to each his own in a commute. Tina Fey made two blunders. First she called herself intellectual. Second, she said every guy would rather hump Megan Fox than her. Not true Tina, most guys would love to F you over after hearing your jokes! Tiger Woods is nervous about the reception he will receive by fans after cheating on his wife with dozens of women over their entire marriage. Normally the way Tiger overcame his nerves was by calling in some help. With the way his wife is now treating him, he is the help! Who is prettier Jessica Simpson or Reese Witherspoon? Is that even a real question? Not every Sandra Bullock film has been a success? I am shocked to hear this. I thought All About Steve was charming...in an absolute zero kind of way. Sarah Jessica Parker has covered herself up. It is about time.

Sandra Bullock has moved out of Jesse James' family home. According to sources his new mistress looks an awful lot like his old one. When questioned about why he chose someone that looks like Sandra, James replied well at least my new girlfriend can act! When she pretends to enjoy being with me I believe her! Nicole Richie goes to the gym...and takes laxatives to stay fit. Or is that Paris Hilton's weight loss regimen? Some speculate that when a woman wins the Best Acress Oscar her love life falls apart. Could it be the women have egotism issues? Certainly not. Is it possible the Academy awards Oscars to really bad actresses? Definitely not. Or maybe it is a coincidence that unattractive actresses win awards and get dumped. Yes.

Apparently Jennifer Aniston's fans are just like her. They voted in a recent poll that her best feature is her "sense of humor". What a bunch of kidders. Demi Moore prefers to be a "Puma". We have acronymed PUMA for you: Pretty Untalented Motherly Actress. Jennifer Garner has embraced the role of mom. Is anyone else startled at the number of stories about actresses paying attention to their kids? Isn't that called parenting? If so, is that a news story? Miley Cyrus is not like other 17 year old girls, her boobs came early! Amy Poehler is waiting for her second child. While she waits audiences are still waiting for her to make a joke that is you know, funny. Gwen Stefani's back up plan is fashion, mine is writing gossip, I guess she wins!

In the news today, he has fooled us before but Corey Haim is still dead, at 38. Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes have split. One wonders if the reader at their divorce proceedings will be 16 years old? Oh wait, I forgot to mention Kate Winslet is British. all of the good actors are. Genesis will be inducted into the ever-prestigious Rock Hall of Fame. Qualifications range from homosexuality to drug abuse to being just plain dumb. Candy Spelling (I would spell it Jell-o, or maybe Kit Kat) is selling her 150 million dollar mansion for 150 million dollars. This just in, although Corey Haim is still dead, Corey Feldman will not be attending his funeral. In death a member of project Drug abuse has no name! (Fight Club reference people!)

Drew Barrymore claims she would be a good parent. We are still awaiting on word of whether she will be a good actress too. If I were being chased by Gerard Butler I would probably give him my autograph. Oh no, Katherine Heigl is refusing to tape another episode of Gray's Anatomy. This is a catastrophe, the medical drama has run out of stiffs. Lady Gaga and Beyonce are in a new music video together entitled Telephone. When asked for more details the two crazy musicians said holla, call my agent. Now that is what I call being caught in a bad reeee reeee reeeception zone. Asked why she is marrying the Friend's star, Zoe Buckman said she believes he has good Schwimmers, now that is what I call good genes.

Corey Haim, star of The Lost Boys and Blown Away and a dozen other 80s movies has died. Whether from alcohol abuse, drug abuse or being a child actor turned loser, it is unclear how or why he died. Maybe he took pills prescribed by Michael Jackson's doctor? In another despicable act by "The Academy" Farrah Fawcett was snubbed by the Oscar Acdemy from the footage portion of those who died in 2009. Robert Pattinson is not a victim of the paparazzi, nor a victim of the tabloids, he is a victim of Ebonics. His new name in the media is "Rpatzz". Brilliant. Why does every DJ across America call teenage "sensation" Justin Bieber Justin Beaver? Are they implicating his sexuality?

Linsay Lohan is suing E-Trade Financial for a reported 100 million dollars. This finally answers the question we have all been asking; "what does a frivolous person do with her time?" the answer is "file frivolous lawsuits". Katherine Heigl takes a walk on the wild side and attempts to have a personality. Sorry Kate, dying your hair brown does not qualify. Brooke Shields has two lovely children. The only question is when will they be appearing in commercials? I personally think Kristin Stewart and Queen Latifah rocked the red carpet when considering them on a pound for pound basis.

Marie Osmond's son has died in Los Angeles. Britney Spears is blonde again. Again? when was she not blonde? I must have missed the microchip implant (not the boob implants) that upped her IQ to 50. Lil Wayne is going to jail. I hope he finds BIG boyfriend. Timbaland and Justin T have reunited. OH I have been traveling on this high pitched woman sounding road for too long. Ashlee Simpson and Kim Kardashian have been hiding tricks in their makeup bags? I thought they were tricks concealing makeup? Gosh it is so hard to keep things straight.

Sandra Bullock may show up on your TV screen. Get the remotes ready people. Then press up or down. Gabourey Sidibe may win an Oscar. I guess the question is can she read the writing on the award? Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods like a birdie on a par 5. Apparently no longer able to cheat even Mr. Woods cannot quench his thirst. Who should "The Bachelor" pick to be his bride? I thought Corpse Bride was a funny movie why not pick her? She might have more life than the contestants on the show?

Bristol Palin will make her television debut on a program about teen pregnancy. The name of the segment might be "Nalin' Palin". No wait, that already came out and it is from a slightly different perspective. Ric Flair's wife has been arrested. It is amazing how a sixty year old man can tolerate someone one third his age who has such bad judgment. Now if only Flair's tough young wife could face the Undertaker his problems would be solved. Lindsay Lohan's father made her curious about drugs. Taking them made her even more curious.

It is amazing that people are criticizing Pamela Anderson for her wardrobe "malfunctions". Ten years ago she was as warm as apple pie. Now she is like Johnny Damon, striking out all of the time. Abbie Cornish and Ryan Philippe have split. This is tragic, how many blondes are left in Hollywood for him to date? Tiger Woods issued an apology to fellow parents at his daughter's school. Tiger said that he wants to return to golf but he has to work out a few holes in his game. Did we really write that? Oh yes we did.

Gwyneth Paltrow has told reporters that her saggy ass is no longer an issue. Now if she can just fix her saggy career...Angelina Jolie according to plastic surgeon observers has had a neck lift. The procedure was so subtle and unnoticeable that she has a slight deformation where the procedure was done and has been photographed 100 times by the papa, paparazzi. Oops. Olympic Skiier Will Brandenburg wants a date with Taylor Swift. Dude, have you seen her act? Tina Fey will return to Saturnday Night Live to poke more fun at Sarah Palin. Apparently Family Guy mocking her down syndrome inflicted son was not funny enough? Well, look at the bright side, Fey might hear someone laugh at at least one of her jokes this year!

Madonna may launch her own fashion line at Macy's in 2010. We know what to call it; "Cougar Towne" (notice the extra "e" so as not to infringe on another patent or namesake)? Tiger Woods is disrupting the world golf match play. Only the golfers seem to care. Jealousy is such an ugly thing, much like Tiger's public apology for porkin the Perkin's girl on national television. Sex addiction? Just an unfamiliarity with marital law methinks! Kim Kardashian violated two laws onboard a flight. First she tweeted about a U.S. Marshal seated next to her. Second she still has not told us about Reggie Bush and his Super Bowl proposal! Actually the first issue is the air marshal's fault for breaking his won protocol to have a 1/10000000000 shot at bedding Kim onboard a flight. An American Idol contestant has been removed from the top 24. This is serious business people. Ok I give up, it is really ridiculous.

What’s this? Director Kevin Smith has been kicked off a plane for being too fat? Are you telling me there is a tonnage limit onboard the airlines? No wonder why Michael Moore flies private! A porn star claims that Tiger Woods impregnated her twice. Guess much like with many holes Tiger missed the first shot. Demi Moore and Johnny Depp never seem to age. In fact, they look younger today than they did twenty years ago. Gosh, money may not be able to buy happiness, but plastic surgeons you bet!

Is Jen Aniston with John Mayer, or Gerard Butler or Vince Vaughn or back with Brad Pitt? Gwen Stefani looks cute with her son, and let’s not forget photographers, shoot her from the front because "she ain’t no holla back girl" Where did Britney Spears go on a date for Valentine’s Day? To McDonalds. Her boyfriend is what I call a BIG MAC!

Miley Cyrus is auctioning off a pole dance, I mean a dress and jewelry on behalf of the Haiti relief fund. I bet it would be a relief if she were to dance. Jennifer Lopez or Heidi Klum? Curves versus smiles, actress versus model, we will let Louis Vitton decide! Brad and Angelina took Maddox to the Super Bowl. Does this mean they are not seeing other people, drinking themselves into a stupor and Brad is not back together with Jen? Damn you supermarket tabloids! Jessica Alba does not believe her husband hooked up with Linsay Lohan. Neither do I, they are just friends!

Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge (baby daddy) have decided to part ways. This is actually somewhat shocking as Jamie is the more conscious of the two delicious sisters. Kendra and Kim's Super Bowl feud is over. Lesson learned? Do not put all of your eggs in one Baskett! Colin Farrell used to be a professional dancer...Good...Good, now he can return to doing what he does best, playing a role in Chip'n Dales...Rescue Rangers. Who is better Taylor Swift or Kelly Clarkson? 84% say Kelly is the better of the two, sorry Taylor, next time do not be so swift, I mean quick to judge. It is 11:30 and we are still waiting on Reggie Bush to propose!

Kim Kardashian holds baby Mason and then wonders if Reggie Bush will follow through on his Super Bowl promise...hmmm...fumble? Kate Gosselin hides her hair? Jon Gosselin mastered that through baldness years ago! Bradley Cooper is indeed engaged...to his ego. Michael Jackson's kids Prince Michael (lol) and Paris accepted a lifetime molestation, I mean achievement award on his behalf at the Grammys. Taylor Swift and Beyonce cleaned house at the awards show. Rip Torn is many things; an actor, a drunk, and now a burglar? Well he does resemble the Hamburglar.

Kristin Bell and Dax Shepard are engaged. Brad Pitt is allegedly related to President Obama. Apparently Pitt's great great great distant relative's friend went to Kenya five thousand years ago. Nick Cannon has admitted that like his only like priority in life is to make Mariah Carey a bigger star...by having babies. Nicole Richie does not have an eating disorder, just a mental one!

In homage to the movie Dude Where's My Car I will share the latest gossip and news with the response each morsel deserves! Kate Gosselin sports a pony tail...any then? Josh Duhamel reviewed his wedding vows with Fergie...and then? Tina Fey's biggest fear is being the worst dressed list (sorry Tina already been there, done that)...and then? Haiti telethons alone have raised $57 million in disaster relief funds (preventing typhoid, cholera and starvation)...and then?

The SAG (Screen Actors Guild) held their annual rewards to pat themselves on the back because nobody else wants to...and then? Celine Dion earned $748 million this past decade...and then? Andy Dick has been arrested for two charges of abuse (like starring in 2 movies?)...and then? Nina Dobrev is a Civil War era vampire (come on people that sentence deserves a lol)...and then? Where's your car dude? Dude where's my car?

Conan O'Brien may soon be available for children's parties. The question is are clowns still popular? Although we feel sympathy for Conan being bumped from his dream job, had he increased ratings or actually been good at it this would never have happened. Like Michael Jordan's shoes, with Conan, it must be the hair. Hugh Hefner says the twins will be moving out of the playboy mansion. Ummm Hugh? Everybody is moving out? We know thery all have twins...Do not go there? Ok...Victoria Beckham is either too skinny or too fat on Idol. Methinks she is plain spicy.

Bradd and Angelina reach out to earthquake victims? Really? Are they adopting one? Rebecca Romijn is starring in a "Got Milk" advertisement. Even adults wish they were babies again after hearing that. Channing Tatum was a stripper, and all men are vomiting across America. Heidi Klum has admitted that after having four children some modeling gigs are no longer for her. Sometimes these genius revelations are better left for internal monologue. Thieves stole cash from Usher, damned studio execs! Heiress to a fortune and lover of Tila Tequila, Casey Johnson has been buried in New Jersey, just like the Sopranos.

The Associated Press reports that Charlie Sheen is back to work. What would the sitcom be without him, One and a Half Men? Jon Gosselin has a new girlfriend, she must be the only woman in the world to not know he is broke. Alyssa Milano has a new sitcom due out this Spring. It is called Whose the Boss, just kidding, I should not have gone there. Matt LeBlanc is playing himself in an all new sitcom. The ratings will be through the roof.

J-Lo believes that skinny girls miss out...On what? Bradley Cooper went to New York and he smiled, that is like such a surprise. Miley Cyrus has said goodbye to Hannah Montana and hello to pole dancin' adulthood. Katy Perry is showing off her engagement ring. Apparently she picked the right Brand.

Charlie Sheen was arrested yesterday in an alleged domestic assault incident. Apparently he was carrying a deadly weapon, no not his penis. Sources have revealed he caught his girlfriend with two and half (other) men. Jon Gosselin's ex did not ransack his apartment, using the word sack in the same sentence as Jon Gosselin is ironic. Demi Moore had her hips done again. She is running out of surface area. Demi it's Ashton and I cannot find you. I am right here dear. Oh wow, you were so small it was hard to see you!

Fergie ate everything in site for the movie Nine. It was just the taste, the taste, so Fergilicious. Jennifer Lopez spreads the love and her...nope not going there. Fox has ordered three more seasons of American Idol. That and a limited lifetime supply of hair dye for Simkon Cowell. Good move Fox network! I just saw photos of celebrity plastic surgery. I cannot help but to wonder why somebody whose personality is plastic would decide to have a plastic body. Does this mean the price of oil is going up in 2010? Thanks Hollywood!

LeAnne Rhymes is reaching a divorce settlement. And she wondered how could she ever live without him? She wanted to know. Britney Spears wants to separate BS from fact. Ummm Brit, your entire life, boobs, and spray on abs make you a target for smearing. Everything about you is BS (Baby Shit). Brittany Murphy is dead at 32 from 'natural causes', and no Hollywood actress has ever snorted coc or developed a drinking problem from having a career lapse. Like OMG Jessica Alba shops for the holidays.

Carrie Underwood is engaged. When asked for comment he said his fiance is happy being who she is, under wood. Apparently she asked for the puck and he gave her a stick. I have a celebrity tip on skin improvement, not to discredit Rachel McAdams, it is called plastic surgery. My favorite Brittany Murphy movie is Just Married. A lot is being made about stealing a celebrity's looks, but I wonder why? Father time has already done that for us.

Lindsay Lohan is selling her old clothes. Ladies, how can I remove the whiskey scent so I can wear those things? The Girls Next Door, I mean The Princess and the Frog topped the box orifice this weekend. Poor Tiger has lost all of his growl as the first major endorser has gone by the wayside. Tiger normally hits long drives into the trees, but reports lately have suggested he got all bush this time. Alyssa Milano is offended by Jersey Shore, yeah because she is not the star of the show! Did you know that teen actors are really 25-35 year old creeps? I did. Kourtney Kardashian eats too much...and she talks too much...and she is on my TV too much. Did I mention she weighs, oh nevermind!

Halle Berry likes to shop in Beverly Hills. Me too! May I borrow your black AmEx centurion card? Joy Behar from The View is a moron. Oh sorry, I forgot this is a news column not a recap show. Tiger's wife Elin no longer dons a wedding ring. Look out millionaires, here she comes. I promise she did not marry Tiger for his money! Hugh Jackman does yoga, he is a flexible guy who has the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the acting talent of somebody who can act. Sorry Governator, you're fired! Kate Hudson belly dances. Wait, don't you need boobs for that?

Amanda Peet is expecting a second child. What the first was not good enough? Hollywood actresses, geez. Diane Sawyer is leaving Good Morning America. Tiger Woods spent 40K a weekend on hookers. Man no wonder why he never slices. His money is already invested in hooking. The madame of The Girls Next Door escort service claims he had a pretty big appetite for girls. Tiger loved to text message, and tried to make his transgressions discreet. How sweet, perchance I would like to meet...a whore.

Britney Spears has a short hair style. And we care why? Jon Gosselin is not allowed to make any media appearances. See that folks, The Learning Channel taught somebody something. It only took them ten years. It is fascinating that Michelle Obama is the most fascinating person of the year. Fascinating because she is possibly the dullest and most dim-witted first lady in the history of the office. What precisely has she done since being in office? Oh right, she stopped traffic, spends millions of my money on parties and she plants gardens. WOW (acronym for what o waste!). Taylor Swift has straight hair now. Way to end the gossip with a cliffhanger right people?

At least nine mistresses claim Toger Woods is so good he scored a hole in one, I mean nine. Even his mistresses are jealous about the others women. His wife was so upset she started playing golf. The only problem is Tiger's car is not a golf ball. This just in, Tiger Woods needs a gun. He did not use protection with two women. Bring the heat Tiger!

Tyler Lautner will now play action hero "Max Steel". Lady Gaga could not compete at the Grammy Awards. My goodness, I guess she will have to wear cellophane at home only. Man, imagine how the youngsters on whip-its who are also dexing will feel. Baa baa baa baa baaa ro ro ro etiquette. Amy Adams is pregnant and...We do not care in the least. Dr. McDreamy is so Dreamy. Julia Roberts is now a spokes model for Lancome cosmetics. Only make up can cover up her bad acting. Give her free samples Lancome please!!! Finally, Halle Berry works hard. Yeah, I would too for ten million a year for showing my tits.

Tori Spelling covets a new plastic surgeon. This way paparazzi will take more photos of her in a bikini, woo hoo. Nick Hogan has been involved in another car accident. Funny, his dad Hulk Hogan is still wrestling. I guess a car accident is nothing compared to a train wreck! Tyra Banks has written a page turner, but we were hoping she would offer us a stocking stuffer. Jake and Reese have not split, they have decided to date taller people? Jake is tall, Reese is small, the writing is on the wall. Who are the greatest single moms in T.V. history? Courtney Cox is a cougar sure, and we think she is the cat's meow but does that make her a good mom?

David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for being passed out at his home. Ummm, David Hasselhoff has been passed out for years, what's new? Mariah Carey is a diva. Go figure, we pamper these people, photograph them, put them on T.V., bestow them with praise and millions of dollars for singing 2 minute songs and she is a Diva? News can be shocking people! Kim Kardashian is at a healthy weight...for somebody who needs Quick Weight Loss. Anthony Michael Hall bit his girlfriend's head...shortly after she told him being a douche bag earlier in his career has bit him in the ass. Finally, Tiger Woods may be an adulterer and an alcoholic. But the dude can gold really, really well.

Shocker of the week: Kelly Osbourne fell while performing on Dancing With the Stars (a competition). She does not believe she will win. Duh? Emily Rossum was a geek in school. Let's pretend that we know who you are Emily, what is a geek? Somebody in band? Someone who reads a lot? Yeah, pretty geeky. Paula Dean of the Food Network is dealing with aerial pork. Perhaps somebody gave her a lift? The Oprah is leaving daytiem television. Chicago is too cold. You think she would have figured that out in the 23 years the show has been there? Gosh, reality can be so shocking.

Ryan Phillippe takes a hike, and shows off his body. Mrs. Beckham Posh spice goes to yogurtland. We heard she has lots of yeast, now it is confirmed! Miley knew about her 17th part being an 80s party but it was a surprise party? I am surprised.Filmmaker and actor Tyler Perry has donated $1,000,000 to the NAACP. How about the United Negro College Fund which actually does something other than espousing hatred of all things non black? Happy Turkey Day everyone!!!

Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima has given birth. Attention VS models please stop engendering children. We love you just the way you are, no additional baggage is necessary. Sarah Palin alleges Katie Couric does not do her homework before interviews. Who knew she was back in school? This just in Spencer Pratt attacks Al Roker on Twitter. I speak for all of us when I respond with WHO? Taylor wants us to call her boyfriend Swifty...No? Call her Swifty? Oh that is not what we were thinking at all.

Bradgelina's jewelry collection features snake themed items. These are meant to represent Angelina's behavior behind Brad's back and Brad's behavior with Jennifer Aniston. Way to represent! Robin Givens has chastised the Oprah and the Oprah apologized. I think the North and South pole just reversed their polarity. There is nothing funny about domestic violence unless you laugh about it. Kellian Lutz was photographed kissing a 90210 star but claims she never dated him, she only...him.

Sarah Palin slams Katie Couric, sexy, there goes Nailin' Palin again! Daniel Radcliffe does not smoke weed, it is all just a spell cast to give the illusion he is a stoner. Matthew McConaughey is auctioning his baby's used stroller for charity. OMG what will Matt's ego ride in now? Platinum blond Lindsay Lohan's fashion line is a disaster. The same experts who predicted global warming would destroy the planet in 42 hours three weeks ago (Britain's Prime Minister Gordon Brown) forcasted a smash hit for Lohan. The only hit she took is the one from Harry Potter's bong.

Lady Gaga has a crazy new video...Anyone else tired of that redundant phrase, duh, her name is Lady Gaga morons! Cher is a time traveler...Everytime she steps out of a surgeon's office. Megan Fox is upset, girls think she is a slut. Now how could they have gotten that idea? Maybe because in a recent film you told a football player he gave you a wettie? Or maybe it is the Marilyn Manson, I mean Monroe tatoo on your arm showing respect for an adulteress? Or maybe, just maybe it is because you dress, look and talk like a slut? Puzzling, I will look into it. Fashion face-off (see Joan Rivers again), between Kim Kardashian and her stomach. The stomach won, yay! Mazel tov!

Taylor Swift has won Entertainer of the Year Award. Some are calling this too quick, we think they are making fun of the country star's name. Too bad Kanye West's career is not headed south, get it? At LAX Mike Tyson brawled with a photographer and caused him a head wound. So much for your recently won millions. Now you are going to make a donation to the Paparazzi fund of America. Easy come easy go eh Mike? Paris Hilton tweeted that she takes laxatives to lose weight and smell great, oh no? That was last year? Oh right, she went to watch "Precious" with her boyfriend. According to Paris that movie, show, whatever it is deserves as Oscar. We agree, if she means Oscar the Grouch!

Shakira is on the prowl...Look out doughnuts, seriously watch yourselves. Steven Tyler is not leaving Aerosmith. Thank goodness, I still have a chance at catching their old folks' home tour. Brittney Spears and Kim Kardashian are paid to party. Think about it, if this were not true would we ever linger in line at a supermarket again? Fergie claims that threesomes are not allowed in her marriage with Josh Duhamel. Bummer, I thought another man wanted the taste, the taste of the Fergiliciousness. Celine Dion's insemination procedure failed, but since she already has a child there is no tragedy, just disappointment.

Demi Moore has transformed her image at age 47. A recipient of botox, collagen, silicon (I mean saline), and liposuction, she has transformed from a middle aged woman to a smaller middle aged woman. If this is Demi V. 2.0, is Joan Rivers now V. 17.6? Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband over a sex tape the two made together. Apparently her ass looks larger than his entire body. Lopez is claiming that is the result of a clown mirror on the ceiling and not her bottom being bigger than her top. There are over 11 hours of footage. Jennifer Lopez was taught as a child never to ASSUME but she did and made an ass out of U and Me! Taylor Swift is shy...She can sing for millions of people but talking about love makes her shy. Her songs are about love but talking about it makes her shy. Is shy the new dumbass?

Britney's synthesizer broker so she has been forced to lip sinc on her Australian tour. Truth be told the Aussies just wanted to go down under. Taylor Lautner is not afraid of taking his shirt off. Wow, I am blown away. We have 10.2% unemployment and Taylor will take his shirt off. Deep man, you really got to me. Kathy Ireland is a billionairess. She may be the hottest woman to achieve such a distinction since the last time a gold digger married a 90 year old man. Kristen Stewart claims Rob Pattinson would make a great husband...just not for her! Ah we only kid, we know that celebrity relationships always work out!

Terrence Howard does not mix business with pleasure. Does that mean he hates making movies? Some people own businesses which provide pleasure, and this million dollar man is against having a good time. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin will host Oscars. Funny, neither one has a chance at winning anything. I guess it is better to love than to be loved! Kate Hudson loves boys, that sounds so wrong. She also loves botox and A-Rod. Are we forgetting something? Oh yes, she claims that all men want is sex and a sandwhich. How about a hoagie and a handjob instead Kate?

Jeremy Piven has grown breasts from drinking too much soymilk, that and from getting implants! Mooo. Tyra Banks claims that diets are a bunch of bologna. No wonder why she is still fat, she eats deli meats while dieting! Kirsite Alley is losing the battle of the bulge. She fought the bulge and the bulge won! Rihanna is stronger and wiser...Her bones have healed nicely and calcium has helped refortify them for when her next boyfriend beats her. Jim Carrey mistakenly thinks the ghosts of Christmas visited him. No Jim, the ghost of your career visited you, duh.

Jon Gosselin feels like the ninth child. He acts like a baby, cries like a baby and is endowed like a…baby! Lindsey Lohan is looking for a new name. We have a suggestion; how about Lindsey Dahmer? Besides, with her actions, she killed her own career! Goodness be gracious young laddie Colin Farrell has another baby boy. If he turns out as pretty as daddy perhaps he will be in a movie with an impossible to understand accent.

Hmmm…TV’s scariest characters on, you guesses it, TV! How about 90% of the sitcom actors and 99% of reality TV stars? Oh you said scariest and not dumbest? We are having trouble understanding you Colin! People dressed up as "Octomom" for Halloween. Jon Gosselin went as a baby. In fact, if we believe anything he says anymore, he went as himself!

This Halloween take comfort...Even the dead are earning more than you are! Michael Jackson is a millionaire from beyond the grave, how spooky. Hulk Hogan says that divorce almost killed him. No Terry, I mean Hulk, your heinously ugly former wife doing the pool boy almost killed you, the divorce was just the icing on the cake. Charlize Theron, Bradley Cooper, Kate Beckinsale, Ewan McGregor, Robert De Niro, and a host of other A-list celebs attended the 13th annual Hollywood Awards gala, and still, nobody cares.

Mothers lock up your sons, I mean daughters, one of the Jonas Brothers is single. Michelle and Matilda dazzle with their style even on a dreary and rainy day. Michelle is beautiful and a good mother.  Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift went on a hockey date, she even touched his puck. Shakira's body is telling her to reproduce, her phone line disintegrated from so many random calls! Gordon Ramsey undergoes chin surgery. Hope he will have one now.

Celebrities are having plastic surgery. Noses are changing, butts are rounding, gobbles are being lifted, faces and tightening, and Joan Rivers is celebrating her twentieth ninetieth birthday. Lindsay Lohan is working in fashion for free. I feel for her, no really, but she is not there! Ivanka Trump has married at the age of 27. Naomi Watts, Jennifer Connelly and Rachel McAdams movies make the most money when compared with their salaries. Even Sherlock Holmes could have figured that one out!

Justin Timberlake has been granted a retraining order against a stalker. Now who will go to to his shows? John and Jen are together, again. That rhymes people. We know know who the Mayer of that girl is. Heroine...addict, Jodie Sweetin from Full House is about to publish a tell all book. That will be so interesting, I have always wondered what it was like working with the worst actors of all time, ten years later. What do collagen and botox have in common? Tori Spelling!

Celebrities have pets…and they look snobbier than their owners! The new creatine is not creatine? What’chou talkin bout Willis? Rihanna and Chris Brown have new songs, respectively, "He beat me so bad", and "Ye dat bitch deserved it but I can’t memba what I did Larry King". Women are crazy about the homosexual Adam Lambert from American Queen, I mean Idol. How does he handle this good news? Oh well girlfriend, you already know!

Miley Cyrus does not miss Twitter but the twits sure do miss her. Rosie O’Donnells’s relationship is on the cocks, rocks. Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom really trust each other, really! So much so they have a sweet prenup, she keeps the house, $525,000.00 for every year they remain married, and a new luxury vehicle after each lease expires. Gosh, they are so in love! How come when people divorce it is asked how rich he is? Isn’t it how rich she now has become? Love is in the air!!!

Kourtney Kardashian's home has been burglarized. They shoplifted her jewelry, and her putty. Jerry Maguire references be damned! Sarah Michelle and Freddie Prinze are parents, this will be one beautiful baby. Stephanie Pratt has been arrested for drunk driving. Now we know how Tom Arnold used to feel. Never operate heavy machinery while intoxicated. Miley Cyrus is in Sex and the City Part Deux. She and Kim Catrall were spotted wearing metallic dresses. I guess lightning can strike twice in the same place!

Madonna is being sued for using her apartment as a rehearsing studio. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are romantically involved. Jen has been so amorous these past years we can't help but wonder if one size really does fit all.

Halle Berry has gone boot shopping but we only care about the fur. Tracy Morgan has written a book entitled I Am The New Black. Not only is Tracy original, he is, ummm...original? He disliked fellow SNL cast members, it is tough when your coworkers are talented, it adds so much pressure. Speaking of originality, Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce citing "irreconcilable differences". The truth is Avril's career has plummeted into obscurity and married life in one's teens is as boring as a Matt Damon movie. Megan Fox stripped to her undies for Armani. Sure wish Versace were not dead, she would go bare bones for him.

Madonna was a geek in high school. Me too, except I am not world renown and worth a billion dollars. If only A+B always =ed C...Jamie Foxx has complained that when his movies stink they are reviewed harshly on the internet forever. Perhaps it is time for the mega bust to cease acting forever. Well, in all fairness, he does not want to stink! Jessica Simpson wonders why people attack her nose jobs, dogs, relationships, acting and singing for a laugh. Well my querulous diva, it is because you are hilarious. Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield will reunite on Oprah. Tyson said the former rival will have his ear and undivided attention. Did we really just say that? Tsk, tsk...

Fergie was on ecstasy...No Ferg, you have it wrong, we were on ecstasy watching you perform! Heidi Klum and Seal gave birth to a baby penguin, I mean polar bear, I mean seal, nevermind. Robert Pattinson admits he looks ridiculous singing. Imagine how he will feel when he watches his own acting! Nick Nolte tried to reverse the trend by photographing the paparazzi photographing him. Oops, Nick forgot to sober up and take the lens cap off first.

Jon Gosselin may join the celebrity boxing foundation. That and he will go fly a kite. Hugh Grant hates everyone. We heart you too Hugh, especially the hookers you hired while dating the hottest woman on earth. Jessica Simpson says her dog is still dead. Do you really need to use this as an excuse for press coverage? Pathetic. Kagtherine Heigl adopted a baby girl from Korea. Jon Cryer did the same but refused to let the show become Three and a Half Men.

Jon Gosselin emptied his cannon, and then his bank account. Kate has no more money, until they divorce and she will take it all back. This is the problem with being on reality TV, it makes life more real.Nicole Ritchie and Tori Spelling juggle their children, all they need is a third. It just looks awkward with two. Heather Locklear is headed back to Melrose Place. Sixty is the new fifty, I mean the new 30. Yeah that's more like it. The oldest character by far fifteen years ago, she is now the...oldest character. Come on she is still hot in the right plastic surgeon's office.

Lady Gaga has cancelled her tour with Kanye West. Poor Gaga, she fell off her disco stick and showed her poker face. Seth Rogen dons the super hero get-up as the Green Hornet. Up up and cut!!! We need another rope he is too heavy...Oops did we really just say that?

Jon and Kate Plus Hate is now Kate and Eight.  So long Jon, Kate has moved on, found a new mate! Some critics are claiming that Megan Fox was a big bust on SNL. We think they are guilty of a grammatical error, see, Megan had a big bust on SNL! See rare shots of inside the Neverland Ranch. When finished looking at nude photos of little Webster (Immanuel Lewis) please flush down the vomit from the toilet bowl. Lamar Odom has married Khloe Kardashian. They only dated for one month. I guess Lamar likes voluptuous women even more than Reggie Bush. Eat your heart out Kim, we know Lamar is eating something else out!

Jaime Pressly has gone all Indian on us…Not Native America, Indian people! She married Simran Singh. Asked to sing at the wedding, Simran blurted out "How redundant". The CW has cancelled "The Beautiful Life". Apparently life is not so beautiful after all, unless you watched the show, life is wonderful now that it is gone. Kimora Lee is married to Djimon Honsou. They need to be careful here. Too many more vowels and nobody will be able to pronounce the child’s name. We only tease as we love Djimon (pronounced Digi-Mon).

Randy Quaid has been arrested for skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill. His bank account is so lonely even the Washingtons are having trouble finding each other. Jessica Simpson is embarking on an African adventure. At first fans though she was dating Kanye West, but it turns out she has signed on for a reality TV show in Africa? Reality TV is really real, REALLY! Jennifer Love Hewitt is offering dieting tips. Apparently the best method for losing weight is being caught by the Paparazzi 50 pounds overweight in a small bikini bottom. Surfs up Jennifer! Even a surf board has a hard time covering all of your waves.

There is a new Drew Barrymore…no she did not have more work done and no not more lipo. She is now not just a failed actress with six and a half fans, she is a director. Get me a Starbucks mocha chino stat! I want it now! Christian Slater has made it to forty. There is no telling how long drugs can extend a man’s life. I mean he might make it to forty one before his brain is as mushy as cream of wheat. There is no pole too high for Miley Cyrus to climb. A Patrick Swayze memoir movie is due out next week.

The Emmy Awards are where dreams live and die, and Sarah Silverman wore a...Moustache? Given her jokes it is hard to tell if she wants to have a penis. This may be why Jimmy Kimmel dumped her; she tried to take more than his man card away! Kristin Wiig is now Darth Vader's girlfriend. Does this mean Joan Rivers is dating the emperor? Does anybody else notice the irony of Neil Patrick Harris playing the star in CBS' comedy sitcom How I Met Your Mother? Did they meet in a gay bar? David Hasslehoff (he is really big in Germany right now!) has been hospitalized for excessive drinking. Hasselhoff is a fine judge of talent, women, and fine wines. Unfortunately he should have chosen the former and not the latter.

Tina Fey took home two Emmy awards. All she has to do now is to be funny. It is amazing how humour plays in the Northeast versus the rest of the country. Being ugly and "clever" does not make me laugh. She has embarrassed herself by criticizing Jay Leno for being successful. One of Leno's viewer-written monologue jokes is funnier than an entire episode of Tina Fey's show 30 Rock. Maybe she could use some wrinkle cream to help moisturize her face where the tears continue to fall. Fey also won an Emmy for her role as Sarah Palin on SNL. Too bad America wants to be Nailin' Palin but not one man wants to pay to do Fey! Tis the season to be Cougaring, la la la la la, la la la la. Hey you Demi Moore, Linda Hogan, Brooke Shields, and others, raaawwwww. You are still hot, but it may be menopause.

Jay-Z has defended his protégé Kanye West for demeaning VMA award recipient Taylor Swift. He appreciates that West spoke his mind. Let me speak mine then: you are both colossal idiots who earn millions based on sexism, stupidity and racism. You should both be thrown under the bus, anyone want to defend my comments? Hurray to an actual human being Kelly Ripa who is helping raise awareness for Breast Cancer. Katherine Heigl and her husband have adopted a 10 month old Korean boy. Kudos to the actress for making such a heroic decision. Avril Lavigne has thrown her husband out of their $9.5 million home. Do you realize what this means? The singer might come out of retirement at the old age of 22 and actually sing.

Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel have joined the A Team.  That is an awfully big step for two C-list actors.  I thought they were busy making romance films for people to watch when they come out on DVD.  You know they are terrible when guys cannot get laid taking their girlfriends to watch their movies.  Bradley Cooper is like the new Matt McConaughey, only if you can imagine it, he has even less talent.  Jessica Biel is a nice addition to the team, just not the A team, but to a team for sure.

Kanye West is so rude...I thought for sure he would offer Taylor Swift to be her Romeo, instead he is her daddy (he said stay away from Juliette). Whitney Houston has called ex-husband Bobby Brown her drug. What she really means is Bobby Brown is now a pop-culture metaphor for cocaine. Lady Gaga has a taste for fashion...extreme. When audience members wondered if she felt embarrassed by her own outfit they were unable to get any indication from the pop star...she had her poker face on!

Megan Fox's new movie Jennifer's Body is being criticized because fans wanted to see Megan's body! Rest assured fans that the diva's body is more than on display. The Jay Leno Show is finally here and not a millisecond too soon. Conan O'Brien is a giant dud. NBC executives are so thankful Leno has returned they have given him every liberty he wanted. Welcome back Jay Walk All Stars, hello Headlines. In terribly sad news Patrick Swayze lost the battle with pancreatic cancer and has died tonight. No satire here, just a heartful we will miss you and than you for the eternal memories.

Jon Gosselin was a victim...of abuse. Poor Jon. His wife Kate used harsh words with him. He must have been so traumatized he started sleeping with other women and handing out hundred thousand dollar rings. Hey people, everybody recovers differently. He goes to his happy place, such as the thongs only pool parties at the MGM Grand. Come to think of it, ain't life grand? When I donated to the Victims of Domestic Abuse I never thought Jon Gosselin would be the recipient. You live, you learn.

OMG OMG OMG without a comma. Kim Catrall (50 years old) revealed her ex-boyfriend Smith Jerrod will be returning for the Over Fifty Sex and the City sequel. In the movie she will combat wrinkles, osteoparosis and menopause. Audiences will combat the urge to leave the theater, men will fight the urge to gouge their eyes out. Kellie Pickler (Taylor Swift's sidekick) has a crush on Clint Eastwood. When asked for a comment Clint Eastwood said "I am nearly ninety and I don't give a damn." Ok that is not what he said, but in our opinion Kellie Pickler is a great name for someone who expect a 90 year old to achieve an...Tila Tequila (no it really is her name, we are not kidding) has accused her boyfriend Shawne Merriman of the San Diego Chargers of strangling her. What she failed to let the police know is that she is bisexual and she loved every minute of it.

Audrina Patridge is leaving The Hills. Apparently she is moving on to greener pastures. Celine Dion is pregnant with her second child. Her manager/lover/octogenarian husband is a busy man. There are more than a few gentlemen who would pay good money to hear that high note on special occasions. Jon Gosselin hosted a pool party at the MGM Grand this past weekend. Among those in attendance were Jon's hair plugs, his ego, his brief popularity, and his pay per day girlfriend.

Megan Fox has no problem with committment, it is just relationships she takes issue with! Chris Brown told Larry King that he does not remember beating his pregnant ex-girlfriend Rihanna. He only remembers the good times prior to the fun infanticide episode. Somebody quick, help Chris, he has son-nesia. And I thought he would remember for-eva eva eva and eva. ATTENTION, ATTENTION, Regis Philbin is never allowed to go topless again. You look like a copy of a Halloween costume worn too many times and wrinkled from lack of a hanger.

Queen Latifah talks weight loss, but actions speak louder than words. Rush Limbaugh responded to his mention in a Jay-Z rap song by noting President Obama's health care plan mandates circumcisions. Talk about a stinging rebuttal! Patrick Stump, lead singer of Fallout Boy was arrested this week for driving without a license. When did a license ever get in the way of greatness? Yay, America loves Milie Cyrus on a pole. More specifically 50 % of Americans would love her to be on their pole. Damn this gender gap.

Cast members of the ABC daytime talk show "The View" are looking to replace Elizabeth Hasslebeck with Kate Gosselin. What comes out of her mouth cannot be worse than what came out of her, well, nevermind. Shaq Diesel has a new show called Shaq VS. in which he competes with famous athletes at their sport. What would me more interesting would be watching Oscar De La Hoya play basketball, or Michael Phelps try to slam dunk against Shaq with a bong in his mouth. Finally, Michael Jackson's doctor waited about 90 minutes after the pop star's death before he randomly screamed and called 911. But, I insist, he is not guilty, of anything but criminal negligence.

‘Octomom’ is angry with Kate Gosselin because Kate only had 6 children, I mean what a loser. Everyone knows to be considered even remotely credible a gal needs to birth at least 8. Fabio is still relevant, NOT. The age of the Austro-German European hunk are so 1999 dude. "American Idol" has found a great way to replace Paula Abdul; inviting guest judges on for cameo appearances. Abdul was found for comment, but could not utter coherent replies with pills in her mouth, tsk tsk.

There is life after ‘The Hills’, yes, especially if you move down and live in a valley! Matthew McConaughey’s son Levi is as good looking as dad, alrighhhht. Brett Favre, football’s version of Babe Ruth is back and the Green Bay Packers are on crack. Oprah insists she never endorsed Colon Blow Cleanse, just shitty books. Finally, former super bowl star Plaxico Burress will be sentenced to two years in jail, talk about shooting yourself in a foot, I mean…leg.

Jennifer Hudson has had a boy! Congratulations, did Sarah Jessica Parker buy you a new purse to celebrate? Beyonce has Mickey Mouse funbags, er, um, just bags. John Gosselin is dating two women named Kate. I guess he no longer goes on a date, he goes on a...Kate?

The Twighlight girls vamped it up, they both had their period at the same time! The Teen Choice Awards edited out some of Dane Cook's jokes. Now why couldn't movie directors have done that? He might still have a career! MJ's Dr. Conrad Murray wrote prescriptions to his aliases, some of which may have killed the late great pop star. Miley Cyrus does a little pole dancing, who knew girls were losing their virginity at 16?

Denise Richards has highlighted her hair...For those of you who are wondering why we mention this little tidbit of "gossip" fear not, we have a reason. She has gone from being a blond to being a platinum blond, that is an upgrade people! True Blood stars Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are engaged. Asked for a comment one publicist said they will be together forever, Ha! Anyone get that? Vampires, forever, oh nevermind.

Brad Pitt insists he will marry Angelina only when gay marriage is legalized universally. No he does not have commitment issues, he loves Angelina enought to have a dozen or so children with her without burdening her with the institution of marriage. He also stated that true love finds people 2-3 times in a lifetime. Does that mean Jennifer Aniston, then Angelina Jolie and then maybe a third mistress? Stop dropping hints Brad! The good news? His eyes are still blue, big and beautiful.

Scarlett Johansson revealed to Hollywood tabloidists that her biggest challenge in preparing for Iron Man 2 was not exercising or reciting lines or trying to find a way to act, but instead she had trouble fitting into her costume. Being married has not done her waist any favors! Then again, she will be playing the Black Widow, so we can kiss Ryan Reynolds goodbye. She even claimed the costume is unforgiving, yeah, unforgivable she even wore one!

Little Ani Skywalker does not like Star Wars Phantom Menace. Instead, he trashes himself in the movie and expects a long lasting career? Grow up kid. Tony Homo has blocked Jessica Simpson from his house. Anybody notice the "homo" word? Ummm yeah, dump one of the top ten hottest girls in the world and people talk. Other sources confirm she is a better actress at home than on-screen, if you know what I mean ;) J-Lo turned 40 but her behind still looks 16.  Finally, Katie Holmes dancing = RATINGS.

Russell Crowe has gone all "Robin Hood" on a co-star who verbally accosted him for insensitivity. I thought Crowe was known for throwing cell phones at peoples' heads but magnanimously he gave her almost ten thousands pounds, enough to buy a Smart Car. Now she and one of her closest friends can drive together at the same time, that is SMART! Nobody with a brain wants Obama's health care plan or taxes, but he knows better, leaders are supposed to tell us what we want, or else why would we have high gas prices?

Jon Gosselin bought his 22 year old honey a $168,000.00 ring. The new Melrose Place debuts in September and several originals have returned. God it will be wonderful watching the creepiness of Thomas Calabro again. Nobody oozes slime quite like him. Cameron Diaz is afraid of door knobs, could this mean she really is dumber than one? Jennifer Aniston is single. Is it possible she is relationship TNT? Every relationship she touches blows up!

Hours before her epic Barbie playhouse birthday party Tony Romo dismissed Jessica Simpson like a cadet on a cruise ship. I feel bad for Jessica, and I wish her all of the sex in the world with Ken, especially marine Ken who can give her a "bang" on her birthday. Sooner than I could utter my usual OMG Yahoo.com posted this news in their OMG section, tsk tsk. Yahoo also posted a new story on how to burn calories. Two suggestions, please see above hehe and try moving your large frame somewhere other than the buffet table.

Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster are reuniting 15 years after their hit film Maverick. How times have changed; one is now leader of the Nazi party and the other is a lesbian, can you feel the chemistry? Was Michael Jackson murdered? The guy who dangled molested children over the ledge and posed for pictures with recently casper bleached skin? The guy who was 400 million dollars in debt and hiding in a foreign country to not face legal persecution? Na, just your standard heart attack. Is Ryan Seacrest worth 45 million dollars? Yes, if a lame, boring, talentless, asexual idiot who can neither act, nor read nor host a radio show with any competency is supposed to be a millionaire, then like OMG YES!

Robert Pattinson is torn between two women, why not just have a threesome everytime?! Dude you are a vampire, surely you have enough umph for both? Michael Jackson is dead. This is horrible. Does this mean Neverland will be inherited by Webster (Immanuel Lewis)? Maybe Gary Coleman is in the running. I for one believe crying over a known child molestor is only healthy when they are in jail, but dead will do!

There is a vampire movie coming out soon entitled Blood. This is what happens when they run out of titles. Maybe the sequel will be called Teeth? This just in: Mariah Carey is a man. I have nothing to write about this. Kirstie Alley cannot lose weight...No seriously, we can all see it and tell her where it is!

Jon and Kate plus hate!  What a lovely "reality" TV show.  It is too bad they cannot handle octuplets, I have always been in favor of women giving birth to eight babies at a time.  How else can we make our population expand?  Duh!

Brad and Jennifer seem to be in love again.  So, is it Bradjelina or Bradifer?  Perhaps he will be knighted and become Sir Bradifer.  Either way, they make a cute couple...of crazy people who divorced for no reason and moved on to date horrible people with egomania and more money than God.  Personally, I think yahoo.com got it right, Angelina is so last year, Megan Fox is in the NOW!

Kung Fu and Kung Fu The Legend Continues acrot David Carradine has been found dead in Asia.  Apparently he has committed suicide via hanging himself.  This is a tragedy for several reasons.  My colleagues will go deeper into the meaning and symbolism of his suicide.

Though never a fan of Kill Bill, Kung Fu and its sequel series were brilliant, well-written and showed Carradine's real talent.  This also means the Karate Kid part 5 will never be made.  All humour aside, I offer my condolences to his family and friends.

Mel Gibson has confirmed his longtime cuckolding girlfriend is pregnant.  None of this would have happened if not for the Jews; what?  Oops, I was channeling Mel Gibson for a moment, I apologize.  Did everyone read?  Pictures are rarely deleted, they are archived somewhere in case you are a naughty boy or girl later and blackmail is needed.

Twilight star Robert Pattinson has auctioned off a kiss for $28,000.  Man, I am going to be so poor after we kiss...

OMG Brad ad Jen have reunited and he brought gifts! "Oh, Scotty does" for those Goldmember fans. Kim Kardashian is fat and loves her cellulite...So does your liposuctionist honey! American Idol is a terrible mess this season. After producing one, possibly two viable singers in virtually a decade who can blame the cast for losing it? Mel Gibson's girlfriend is pregnant, I hope when the baby comes out she will not go apocalypto!

Michelle Obama made the "Hottest Womens" list. It must be global warming. At a time when about 600,000 workers lost their jobs this quarter, it is so comforting to know Michelle still puts in enough time at the gym.

Oksana Grigorieva is Mel Gibson’s new girlfriend. What happened to his old girlfriend? What happened to his wife? Oh right, a 500 million dollar divorce plus bonuses. Where can I find a 53 year old billionaire? Hollywood? Well I do not live there…YET! US Weekly reports the two stars, one employed by the other (guess who) entered the same hotel often. Color me surprised, Mel Gibson still has some mojo left.

The new tell-all book about Bradgelina will air all of their dirty laundry. What happened to the maids in the mansion? How could this happen? Some believe the book will never make it onto bookshelves, tell that to victim Tom Cruise in 2008! What secrets will provide shock and awe? We will find out, stay tuned folks!

This one is too easy...Brook Shields wants a younger face because...SHE IS OLD.  Professional tennis star Andy Roddick married a supermodel this weekend. Please let me know what entitles every athlete to marry an exotic woman? I am guessing it is their sparkling personalities, I know personally that steroids make a man oh so sizzling! Angelina Jolie made a boo-boo. She decided to eradicate the problem by transforming the original ink into an image of her children. Sweet...Oh wait, what about the other fifteen children you intend to adopt? Maybe ink on the inner thighs? Does liposuction ever shrink her tattoos?

Jessica Alba is blond again...AGAIN? When did she not seem blond to you? She looks sharper in every photograph, way to go Jess, you are hotter than...Than...Jessica Biel. Please tell me your role in the upcoming 2010 Sin City 2 is short and sweet, just like you.

Mel Gibson and his wife are getting a divorce, divorce is so en vogue it is almost a pop culture right of passage for middle aged people.  She is expected to pocket an immediate 500 million plus child support and future alimony payments.  Serves you right for making Apocalypto Mel, next time stick with movies about God!

The pres and his wife Michelle (The Queen) Obama have decided on a mystery dog that nobody is supposed to know about.  It is amazing, first she hugs the Queen of England and now she screws the pooch!  Only teasing, we love ya!

Rihanna is no longer safe.  Chris Brown, the baby daddy to be "did not know she was pregnant" when he beat the shitakke mushrooms out of her.  I believe you Chris, I am sure Rihanna does as well.  I know she kept the pregnancy a secret from you, women always keep pregnancy a secret from their live-in boyfriends.  In the words of one of my favorite unnamed actresses, "Mmmmm hmmmm".

The Bachelor and his wife Molly are in love...Yawn...Oh excuse me, I forgot this column is supposed to be interesting. Rush Limbaugh is being criticized by President Obama. This is fascinating, a sitting president in his third month of his first year as president is running for re-election, nothing wrong with getting a headstart right? He kind of reminds me of the "Rock", oops, I mean Dwayne Johnson hehe.

Jennifer Aniston continues to open up about her marriage and divorce to Brad Pitt. Attention media people: WE NEED NEWS. Please understand the word NEWS also has the word NEW in it, big surprise right? Eva Longoria looks sizzling on the red carpet. Ok that is it, I am going to invent gossip in my next column! Hollywood celebs, please do something stupid, well, just be yourselves but do it now!

Folks, we did not cover the Oscars for you.  The reason may be that it totally bombed, and not in an Iraq War kind of way.  Jennifer Aniston, your ex-husband has 7 or 8 or 92 kids, who knows how many by next year.  It may be time to move on, just a thought, maybe "He's Just Not That Into You"?

According to Hollywood sources Angelina Jolie is now the highest paid ass, I mean actress, (poor spellcheck) commanding nearly thirty million dollars per movie.  Reese Witherspoon, a.k.a. the Jay Leno of the female species has been overtaken, mostly by Jake Gyllenhaal, but mostly by a now pregnant for the fortieth time Angelie Jolie.  Poor Brad, and you thought Jen Aniston caused you problems. Still, we optimists believe that someday a movie will make enough money to pay their salaries, right?

Apparently Hugh Jackman is People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive". Sorry Matt McConaughey you have been ousted quicker than Eurkle from a woman's bed.  Hugh can sing, dance, and make movies too, how nice for him!  He makes women's jaws drop, too bad I am not an orthodontist.  That being said, he is a real hunk, but I would not be me if I did not point out how stupid naming a sexiest man alive is, maybe we need to see Twilight for perspective ;)