Box Office Numbers

$103.0MMarvel's The Avengers
$29.6MDark Shadows
$5.8MThink Like a Man
$4.5MThe Hunger Games
$4.1MThe Lucky One
As of May 14, 2012

Hollywood Gossip, Tidbits, and News

 A man has broken the world record for fist pumping buy pumping for 17 hours. My god what an achievement, but we are overlooking how raw his penis must be. The President of Yahoo has been forced to resign because he made an inflated claim on his resume. Meanwhile, in other news, Barak Obama ate dog. Robert Pattinson is 27 going on 17, good for you RSchmuck, I mean RPutz. Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer an item again? Is Jessica Simpson's body still a wonderland? Yes, it's just we are wondering why her territory doubled in size. Is Jay-Z acting like a wild bachelor on the prowl? With a name like Jay-Z I don't think any of us really care. Drake is romancing two cougars? Man, dude's a zookeeper. Does Casper Smart enjoy his five minutes of fame? Is that all he lasts for? Lightweight. Rihanna was recently hospitalized for too much partying. It's ok though, let's keep the focus on Lindsay Lohan, she's white after all. Christina Aguilera is quitting The Voice. John Travolta is not gay, he just like's dudes.   

Mariah and Nick renew their vows in Paris? I bet he showed her the Eiffel Tower. Truth be told, it might have been more like the leaning tower of Pisa. Gwyneth Paltrow has post partum depression. Me too, but it has been quite a while since I was in the womb. Kim K and Lindsay Lohan will attend the White House Correspondent's Dinner. I guess they wanted to see who has the best lines, and I'm not talking about comedy. Jessica Simpson has a baby shower? What is it like 2 feet tall and a tiny water head? Weirdo. Ellen DeGeneres is a Vegan? I thought she ate meat every night! Jenny McCarthy loves Botox. She loves silicon too. Richard Simmons has flammable shorts. Molly Ringwald drinks Kristen Stewart's blood. But alas it's not that time of the month yet. Want to see Taylor Lautner pics? Then go see Breaking Dawn Part 2. Lisa Rinna does advertisements for adult diapers. That's a coincidence because the first time I saw her naked I shit my pants!

Katy Perry dyes her hair purple. That's quite a change from the pink it was last week. Kelsey Grammar has proven you are never too old to get a tattoo or a Viagra prescription. Nicole Kidman does not mind being naked. Trust me when I tell you we don't mind either. Ashton Kutcher is having "intercourse" with Mila Kunis. One more time for those of you from Port Saint Lucie Florida, that's "intercourse". Who's is bigger Angelina's or Jennifer's? What are we talking about? Just ask Brad Pitt, he'll tell you! Seal has a new girlfriend and her name is whatshernameIdon'tcare. Will Pippa Middleton face arrest? Will switching to Progressive really give you better discounts? Taylor Armstrong is "so not ready to date yet". Wait, I don't speak moron, does that mean she wants to date or not? Bow Wow is no longer a wanted man but that doesn't answer the question who let the dogs out?

J-Lo bought Casper Smart a truck for his birthday. Hey, we already know where he likes to park it! Lamar Odom you are fired! Thanks for playing, next time leave the 500lb gorilla at home. Yeah, we are talking to you Kardashian. NBC's Rock Center has coverage more lopsided than Brian Williams' face. Miley Cyrus is not anorexic, she just eats lots of laxatives, get it? LOL? Ann Hathaway's hair is so short she looks like Jerry Seinfeld and there is nothing funny about that. Jennifer Hudson will appear at a murder trial. As a witness or as a defendant? Ah who keeps up with the Kardashians anyway. Khloe Kardashian says Lamar Odom deserved better from the Mavericks. Khloe, try running your fat ass up a basketball court and then you can talk. Is Lindsay Lohan guilty of assault? Only because she attacked my heart. Awwwww. Mila Kunis or Kate Upton? It depends, which one did Justin Timberlake already date? After being arrested for a DUI Amanda Bynes went back to her hotel bar. Maybe it's time she went back to acting because she sure plays a dumbass great in real life.

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Screen Spotlight Featured Reviews

Afterlife with Liam Neeson

Eliot Deacon is a disturbing man. As a funereal mortician he is methodical and ostensibly caring. He performs his duties admirably to perfection. As a human being however he is more of a ghoul than his horrifyingly dim-witted victims. Ironically, the film Afterlife never seeks an answer to the centuries old question of “what happens after you die?” Instead it is content with sickening us with a diabolical serial murderer of sorts that prays on the living in their darkest of times so he may exact a form of revenge that only he deems appropriate. What is death if not a sport judged by the living?

     Anna Taylor (Christina Ricci) is a lovely, albeit pallid school teacher. Paul Coleman (Justin Long) is an attorney without any legal knowledge but he is for all intents and purposes a heartfelt man. His strongest desire on a fateful night is to propose to his girlfriend Anna at their favorite restaurant. For some reason beyond his control, Anna seems perturbed and combative rather than romantic and phlegmatic. This works against Paul as he is unable to pop the question. He never should have ordered her the duck, or insulted her mother. Go figure! Anna rants and raves in the middle of the restaurant and leaves Paul to pick up the check and the opprobrium.

     On the way home she is involved in a car accident. We are next privy to Anna waking up in a funeral parlor. She is surrounded by dead bodies but she herself feels very much alive. This is where we meet Eliot Deacon. As afore-described Eliot is a man operating a funeral home with peculiar motivations. This begins a sinister series of cat and mouse games between the Anna and Eliot. She believes she is alive and that Eliot is lying to her in order to hold her captive. His pep talks about how she never appreciated life are unwelcome and unrelenting. Throughout her ordeal he plays the judge, the jury and eventually the executioner. During the entire tribulation she (Ricci) is completely naked. This is undoubtedly the best part of this or any other movie!

     While Anna is busy trying to escape in order to contact Eliot and let him know she is alive, he is convinced she is not dead. The funeral director and the police stonewall him from seeing her body and call him crazy. All the while part of Eliot’s scheme is to continuously inject Anna with a powerful sedative/muscle relaxer to cause her to look dead and to appear lifeless to her mother and to the police investigator. To the very last moment Paul is convinced Eliot is a sick creep. Unfortunately, nobody believes him and people believe he is sufferance post traumatic stress disorder from Anna’s accident and alleged death.

     Keep in mind that I have spoiled the plot completely as we are never absolutely certain if Anna is dead or not. We want her to live despite the evidence to the contrary. Her situation grows increasingly desperate to the point where she is buried alive. After Eliot admits what has happened, on the way to rescue her before her coffin runs out of oxygen , Paul is also involved in an accident. Eliot follows him waiting to inject him with a serum to slow his heartbeat to convince the examiners on scene he has died.

     As I wrote in the first paragraph, Liam Neeson’s character is a mass murderer. His desire to punish the living and to judge them is a telltale sign he is a serial murderer with an inflated sense of self-importance and self-worth. When we find out Eliot cannot speak to the dead and that he photographs and maintains records of his countless victims we feel sick to our stomachs. Afterlife is not a film about redemption or learning the meaning of life and all of its infinite secrets, it is a picture about a remorseless murderer. Is it a suitably haunting film? To be sure it is. Is it intended to be a crowd pleaser? Only insofar as it was released in time for Halloween.  I recommend it if you enjoy sick movies. Otherwise stay away and avoid having nightmares.

Jonathan Jacobs

Member FFCC

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