As I walked into the theater last night I felt as if the chorus to Frank Sinatra’s "High Hopes" was on repeat in my brain. I really did have "high apple pie in the sky hopes" that this dark comedy, Observe and Report starring Seth Rogen, would provide me with the perfect combination of dark sarcasm and offbeat humor. I was prepared to sit through a film so dark in its attempts at humour that a guilty feeling almost made me want to stifle any laughter. Despite my high expectations, I grudgingly forced myself through two hours of failed attempts to make a quality piece of film. Every conceivable aspect of this movie is dreadful.

       Observe and Report brings us into the life of Ronnie Barnhardt (Seth Rogen), still living at home with his alcoholic mother (Celia Weston), working as a lowly mall security guard given the task of apprehending a pervert mall streaker hell bent on showing his "goods" to the world. When Ronnie fails to bring the culprit to justice, the police, headed by chief detective Harrison (Ray Liotta), are brought in to investigate. Ronnie immediately butts heads with Harrison because he believes his authority (which never really existed in the first place) is being undermined. Determined to one up the police department and win the heart of the makeup counter girl Brandi (Anna Faris), our good man Mr. Barnhardt stops at nothing to make all his dreams become reality. Too bad for him, things don’t always work out as planned. At least not at first...

       Too many things went wrong with this film. Seth Rogen could have, and should have hit a home run out of the park, but instead he wound up looking like the doofus who rides the proverbial pine all season with delusions of grandeur way beyond his means. I am not sure if it was the writing or the directing, but Rogen epically failed here. He is a funny man in general, but here his performance came across as one poor attempt to make me laugh after another. I doubt the "dark comedy" angle is one he should employ in the future.

       The way this thing was written annoyed me. The incessantly stupid "narration" by Rogen’s character, the interactions with his mother (which other critics have called brilliant??!!?), and the way his character was written in general just didn’t sit right with me. I suppose I did smile once or twice during the scenes between Ronnie and Mom, but overall I saw the interactions as desperate attempts to validate the film as a dark comedy. Let’s toss in an alcoholic mother who defecates herself and falls asleep in her own vomit each night! Better yet, let’s make her be blatantly and cruelly mean (in a funny kind of way?) To the only person who loves her! That’s dark!

       Another thing that pissed me off about this flick is Anna Faris. She’s not good. She didn’t even play a ditz well!! She is, as far as I have seen, one note and one note only. While we are on the subject, there is a scene with her and Rogen involving copious amounts of alcohol and prescription drugs she ingested that ultimately result in a morally questionable sex scene that very well could have been omitted from this film all together. My guess is that its purpose is to stir controversy and therefore further hype the film.

       My basic steadfast complaint about this crap is that I was bored nearly to tears. I felt like I was just randomly floating through a mundane experience that left me annoyed that I had spent $8.50 for my ticket. If you are looking for some classic Seth Rogen, you’ll be sadly disappointed and if any ladies are looking for some Rogen-esque eye candy, here’s a hint: He buzzed off his signature curly locks and sports a clean shaven face. Almost looks like a different guy altogether. Certainly not the Knocked Up Rogen you might be used to. If you want to give this film a whirl and prove me wrong, go right ahead and do so, but I doubt you will be as thrilled as you want to be. I am going to rate this swill 1 ½ out of 4 possible stars.