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Due Date

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Would you enjoy a Philly Cheese Steak without the onions? How about a ballet without dancers? Seedless watermelon? An episode of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” without a battle scene? How about a comedy film where laughter is vacant? If you hate laughing and have no sense of humor, Due Date is just what Dr. Scholls ordered. Put a foot in your mouth and rent this sucker for $5.99 On Demand.

Pairing Zach Galifianakis together with Robert Downey Jr. seems like genius in casual conversation. So why did this tandem prove to be such a colossal failure when paired on the big screen? The most obvious answer is we have already seen this movie before, except that time it was actually funny. Those of you that are over thirty will surely recognize the title Planes, Trains and Automobiles. John Candy and Steve Martin were arguably the funniest dynamic duo of all time. Their personalities, appearances and demeanors could not have been more different. Watching their travails I laughed, felt exasperated, connected with their emotions, and eventually I cried. Watching Due Date (there are instants when one can hear Planes, Trains, and Automobiles music, the director’s idea of paying homage no doubt) I could not let the thought escape my mind that director Todd Phillips sought to recreate the Candy-Martin magic with Galifianakis-Downey Jr. Phillips failed to realize that there will never again be another John Candy (save for the overly-theatrical and now deceased Chris Farley). Downey Jr. is an excellent actor but a comedian he will never be. Galiafinakis has his moments, but he is better served playing the role of a wingman rather than as the focal point of an entire script.

I tabulated the number of times I laughed, chuckled and cringed during this 95 minute picture. I laughed 4 times, chuckled three times, and cringed a dozen times. To earn my admiration a comedy film must sustain laughter throughout, not simply offer hints of it sporadically. The last time Michelle Monaghan and Downey Jr. acted together they created intelligent comedy a la Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Due Date presents an impossible story told by two strange bedfellows with terrible personalities.

Peter Highman (Downey Jr.) is on his way home to be with his high school sweetheart Sarah (Monaghan). She is scheduled to have a Caesarian section in a few days. At the airport Peter has a luggage mix up with an anonymous stranger Ethan Tremblay (that’s his stage name…he is a wannabe actor with a lovely portfolio). When they are being seated on the plane Ethan begins reciting the words terrorist and bomb. When Peter cautions him against using that language onboard the aircraft, a federal marshal shoots him with a rubber bullet. Both men are removed from the plane and Peter is now on the TSA’s No-Fly List. Leaving the airport, Peter realizes his wallet is lost along with his chances of reaching home in time for the birth of his baby. The only possibility he has pulls up in a Green car and his name is Ethan Tremblay!

During their adventure, Peter is shot, victimized by a sleeping Ethan’s car accident, and almost convinced one of his best friends may be the father of his child. All hell breaks loose at the Mexican border, and Ethan and his dog masturbate for nearly an hour mere inches away. All of this could be funny…if Downey Jr. were not such a comedic stiff. He is flat out lame as a comedian. Ethan is lugubrious because his beloved father has passed away. As a tribute he carries his father’s ashes around in a coffee can…that he and Peter later drink by accident. Ashes to ashes, Folger’s to Folger’s.

Due Date reminds me of the Southwest Airlines Red Eye flight to Vegas. Passengers go up and down during takeoff and there is cattle in the cargo hold. I wanted to enjoy the movie, and I looked forward to the pairing of Zach and Bob. Expectations were shattered along with my desire to ever see Downey Jr. in any role again other than portraying Sherlock Holmes and Iron Man. Galifianakis has his moments, but he needs to be careful not to believe that he can dominate any role no matter how frivolous or challenging. The actors were like a man at the sperm bank filled with radiation; they simply fired blanks.