G.I. Joe

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Yoooooo Joe!!! Is a phrase uttered once and by a character I cannot recognize. I suppose he is supposed to be the new Sergeant Slaughter but instead he is about as frightening and motivational as Sarah Michelle Gellar in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Most importantly the main character is played by Channing Tatum, an actor for whom I will break the cardinal rule of Screenspotlight.com (profanity)…

       I hate to sound like a blogger but as a young man G.I. Joe played a big role in my character development. I valued the military cohesion, the work ethic, the cool, hip American men playing the role of national superheroes. The cartoon and the mega movie that followed must have served as a recruiting tool for the armed services. Protecting America was just plain cool. Patriotism meant something.

        This brings on my first criticism of the movie. G.I. Joe has become the international hero. There are three American characters and everyone else is borrowed from foreign countries. Joe headquarters is incredible; so incredible, it is completely unbelievable. I realize it is hard to turn cartoon space age technology into something real and lifelike, but the G.I. Joe team fails utterly and embarrassingly. This movie is a thirteen year old D student’s wet dream. It is disjointed, discombobulated, and de-braining. None of the scenes make sense, the characters are not properly identified and the focus is on the two biggest douche bags EVER.

       Channing Tatum and the actor who plays "Rip Cord" are something beyond dumbasses. Somehow the character "Scarlett" falls in love with Rip Cord. Scarlett is beautiful, brilliant and buxomly, the three B’s. Rip Cord is stupid, brash, juvenile, and his jokes are worse than a naked Rosie O’Donnell belly-flopping in my backyard pool (I do not even have a pool). Somehow he convinces a foremost genius in an undercover organization to fall in love with him in one day by saying "ain’t" and "gonna" dawg about fifteen times.

       Cobra is led by…NOBODY. There is no Cobra. It is not explained who or what Cobra is. At the end the scientist who identified himself as an associate of "Dr. Mindbender" facially ruins a trillionaire and calls him "Destro" (destroyer of nations, what nations???). To add suspense he then puts on a polyurethane mask to scare six year olds. There is no hint of this leader being serpentine as was the cartoon "Cobra Commander" and I am not even sure he would frighten me in person if he were real. The instant the mad scientist becomes Cobra Commander G.I. Joe officially rescues the Baroness and ends the terrorist activities. Cobra Commander and Destro are imprisoned and the movie The Rise of Cobra is also the death and dismemberment of Cobra, HUH?

       The aircraft in this film are about three hundred years away from being gravitationally possible. There are no laser weapons, just body suits that allow acceleration of an operator to 100 MPH and somehow protect against two hundred foot drops and car crashes without harming the person inside? I like wearing titanium but only on the weekends. In the cartoon Duke and Baroness felt a romantic spark but last I checked she was not under the sway of Cobra because of an injection of cobra venom. Yikes, this movie is a train wreck without any survivors.

       Brendan Frasier makes a cool cameo for six and a half seconds, way to go. Maybe in the next movie there will be a Cobra mummy for him to fight. Dennis Quaid plays "General Hawk". Even his performance is stale and contrived. Maybe the actors can benefit from being able to….wait for it…wait for it..ACT.

       The one bright and shining moment, if this movie which disgraces the cartoon franchise can be said to have one, is the clash of ninjas. Somehow the directors got this right. The ninjas have some incredible fighting scenes, daring escapes and believable espionage skills. The death of the Cobra ninja however in the first movie removes any build up or suspense for the movie to follow.

       Should you go watch this movie? Sure, why not. Sometimes people need to experience phenomena for themselves or they will never believe a writer. This movie is so godawful it makes me worry about the future of films. Tatum Channing has voice cracks, a douche bag goatee and belongs on channel 126. What is channel 126? I have no idea but that is my point. .2 stars.