Ninja Assassin is all action and no plot. If it were a cemetery there would be no resting place. The action is fast and furious and will make every American viewer pray we never go to war with an Asian nation! Meanwhile watching Armored requires the descent of one’s intelligence. I recommend diving head first into a two foot concrete swimming pool. Only then will you be on their level.
Ninja Assassin is a vicious romance tale. Young orphans are collected to join a secret organization that sells assassins to governments willing to pay millions of dollars (pick your currency). The focus is on the newest and most talented student. There is no feat he cannot accomplish no matter how gruesome, seemingly impossible or death defying. He is being groomed to be the new leader. This makes his competitors jealous and causes the only female ninja to fall in love with him. She watches him from a distance for years. Finally, in a moment of weakness she confesses her feelings for him. Unfortunately she can no longer tolerate being a prisoner and attempts to escape. Our hero’s arch nemesis catches her and murders her for disobedience. Emotionally obliterated and full of remorse our assassin escapes. For years he has been hunted by the organization and their sensei.
This is where the plot becomes too frivolous for a normal person to handle. Thousands of expert assassins cannot kill our hero who is only one man. He slices and dices his way through hundreds of would be assassins. Meanwhile he is protecting a black female police officer with the linguistic skills of a "Sesame Street" character, no disrespect to SS. No matter how bruised and battered (or chopped and bleeding to death!) our hero becomes he utilizes mind over matter and his ninja essence seals the most vicious wounds.
This brings us to the end game. The ninjas are attacked at their secret location by an international law enforcement coalition. Our hero sneaks in and slays his nemesis. Then we are treated to a horrible CGI sequence in which our hero defeats the master of the entire organization while his entrails are pouring out. Gushing blood he then follows the escape route of his former true love and the movie concludes. I have no idea what to think. Beyond letting you know there is great action and terrible acting I can write nothing more.
Armored stars Matt Dillion, Lawrence Fishburn and Jean Reno. Jean Reno here for no apparent reason looks like he is about to masturbate. Look at his facial expressions and tell me I am wrong. Larry Fishburn is cool as usual but does nothing of any note. Matt Dillon insults our intelligence. Here we are in a theater about to watch his latest semi-decent film about a bank robbery of sorts and a preview comes on for another bank robbery movie starring guess who, Matt Dillion.
The caper is about as unoriginal as one can handle. Two units of an armored security agency charged with delivering bank funds in the millions decide to rob themselves and pretend the 'real' criminals escaped. They have studied past cases and without any thought to detail they go forward with the ill-conceived plan that is non-specific and makes no sense whatsoever. It is never revealed how they will spend the money or where they will hide it. Furthermore, Matt Dillon’s crew needs the help of the newest officer in the squad. This is where we are treated to more liberalism. The officer is a returned war veteran about to lose his house for no explicable reason. We are essentially told banks are evil and capitalism is wrong. So a person cannot pay their bills and that is capitalism’s fault? He has a job, why is he behind on his mortgage payments? Reluctantly he decides to join Dillon’s gang in their robbery plans. While unloading the money in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town (is there any other kind?) a homeless person witness their nefariousness. Dillon’s crew kills the witness (who is a bum with no family and no job living in an abandoned craphole). This somehow bothers the new kid on the block who decides he is a good person (while robbing 44 million from his own company) and locks himself in the armored car. This leads to 45 minutes of banging on the bolts which will cause me to go deaf a little sooner than I had desired. Slowly the characters are killed or commit suicide.
It is truly amazing. A group of idiots try to rob millions from their own company and some commit suicide from guilt? Others turn on their friends and kill them. Others believe it is wrong to steal after they are already stealing? Eventually everyone dies except for our goody-two-shoes who is just as guilty as everyone else, perhaps even more so. Then he is rewarded with a commendation and praise from the commander of the armored car organization. Please shoot me, or let me jump off of a building…if I ever have to watch this movie again.
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
