Jamie Lynn Spears says "the hateful comments hurt"...almost as bad as the herpes and the freaking contractions. What is Blake Lively looking for in a man? Confidence. Damn, she has low standards. Scarlett Johansson has a new man? Is a 38 year old really that new? Olivia Wilde used food to cope with divorce? I didn't know vomiting heals the soul. If Kim Kardashian shops til she drops has she fallen yet? Donald Trump wants to be in Mitt Romney's cabinet? Did he mean closet? Deion Sanders never offered cash for ass. He offered a house. Lindsay Lohan insists she didn't booze after the SAG awards. She boozed beforehand, duh.
Kim Kardashian has debuted a new hair color but how can we see it? Sofia Vergara is the most desirable woman of 2012? Um, isn't it January? Can we at least wait until tomorrow to make this announcement? Halle Berry spends a day at the beach and I still do not care. Scherzinger and Jones have parted ways with the X-Factor. That is Simon Cowell for "you suck, nobody likes you, get out". Are Miley and Liam still linked? Only if they're pinked. Terrell Owens has suggested "he don't have no friends." Does that mean he has lots of friends or he can't speak English? Jennifer Lopez does not know if she will remarry. Neither does anybody she is currently throttling (see Casper Smart for details). Octavia Spencer admits her weight is not healthy. Then why are you so fat? How romantic, Rachel McAdams never spends more than 3 weeks without Michael Sheen. That's great but how much time does she spend with him? Mike Tyson will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. This guy is doing better in retirement than he ever did in the ring!
Kim K the porn star, Kim K the model, Kim K the Playboy pictorialist, Kim K the actress? I thought she always faked it? Turns out the new sleaze show "Drop Dead Diva" has hired her. If only they meant that literally. James Franco might try to look like Hugh Heffner but James, you need a personality to act like him! Why is Demi Moore like a used car? Lots of people have driven her, but in the end, she gets replaced for a newer model. Go inside celebrity kitchens? Wait, don't they mean "come" inside celebrity kitchens? Amanda Seyfried or Malin Akerman? Doesn't Akerman look like she smoked 12 packs of cigarettes a day? Lindsay Lohan is being sued for hitting a pedestrian while driving her Maserati....Dear Hugh Heffner, if I show my boobs in a pictorial can I get a Maserati too? Pat Sajak and Vanna White used to do Wheel of Fortune Drunk? Nope, they just plain stunk. Selena Gomez goes to jail in her next feel as a drunkard. Is she portraying Lindsay Lohan? Gerard Butler doesn't remember having sex with Brandi whatshername? That is shameful Mr. Butler. If I scissored Brandi I would remember it!
How many Kardashians can I name? Only the ones I've...Hmmm, seriously, how many? Well there's Khloe Simpson, I mean Kardashian, Kardashian. Potter stars look to life without wands? Oh my goodness it's like their magic is gone. Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance in the middle of a weird speech. In other words, it could have happened to him anywhere. Arethra Franklin calls off her wedding? I guess she wasn't getting any S-E-X-Y-T (T stands for time). Alassandra Ambrosia flaunts her baby bump on the Vicky S runway. Hey girl, whatever passes for bigger tits is fine by me. Angelina Jolie ignored Stacey Kiebler on her private jet. If I had Stacey Kiebler on a private jet I wouldn't be ignoring her. President Obama is calling Congress the "do-nothing" Congress. Does that mean we should call the President a Do-Nothing leader? Isn't a leader supposed to work with Congress? Nah, that wouldn't play well in a focus group. Daniel Radcliffe said that critics want him to fail. Dude, it's not like your Snooki who's too big to fail. Steven Tyler's scarf is a sensation. Just when he starts hallucinating the scarf keeps him in touch...with what I have no idea. Vanessa Paradis says "In the winter I separate, in the summer I (fill in the blank people!)". How come Salmon Rushdie only gets death threats? How about a marriage proposal once in a while?
