Sometimes I do my homework and still fail. I am uninspired and would rather write nothing at all if everything I want to write is negative. Still, I wonder if I do the readers of www.screenspotlight.com a disservice by not helping them decide which movies to rent. Read more to find out which three movies did not make the cut even in the processed meats department.
Whiteout This film is more like a blackout, or should have been. Kate Beckinsale can carry a movie, I am convinced of it. She is not just a pretty face. Beckinsale has talent. Pardon my Larry David expression, but "having said that", a fully clothed star in one of the gloomiest and most pointless films ever is a recipe for disaster. Whiteout never captured my attention, it looks low budget throughout and offers no reason to invest one’s emotions. Sorry Kate, I loved you in Serendipity and Click, but Whiteout is neither serendipitous, nor does it click. No deep insight is needed here, the film simply sucks. Go Get ‘Em Malone This film is not all bad. The storyline reminds me of Crimes of the Heart or Shoot the Piano Player, old 50s and 60s detective novels. Thomas Jane’s role is that of an old fashioned detective trying to get to the bottom of a murder mystery. Unfortunately the film is less believable than another remake of Tarzan of the Apes would be. Jane’s personality is duller than the cinematography in The Road. The female lead is rather incoherent and the gun-slinging routine falls flatter than a pre-Columbus ocean. That is to say this film felt off the chart. Watch on a dark and stormy night, but if this is your Saturday night plan to impress your partner, good luck being single. Universal Soldier: Regeneration Jean Claude Van Dam or JCVD as he is now known returns as a Universal Soldier. He is part of the white rejuvenation program that makes a soldier even more advanced. A rogue group of Ukrainian terrorists has taken over Chernobyl where enough radiation remains to infect hundreds of thousands. A runaway US program scientist helps transform many of the group’s militants into Universal Soldiers. Dolph Lundgren also makes a few cameo appearances. There is a ton of action and for that I give the directors credit. Still, being such a low-budget straight to DVD remake one can tell the effects are cheap and stretched to the limit. A fifty year old tandem of JCVD and Dolph is twenty years too late. We wanted that pairing so long ago that it no longer seems relevant or important. The movie cost $4.99 to rent (plus sales tax) at Blockbuster making it a true cash for a clunker.
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