Big Man Japan, Did You Hear About The Morgans? And Women in Trouble

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Big Man Japan is startling. The hero of Japan is Daisato, defender of the nation and member of the Department of Monster Prevention. Well, the organization only has one member and should really be called the Ministry of Morons. The only monstrosity here is the movie itself. I made it through two monsters. One is the Japanese Michelin man. He has rubbery arms, is hundreds of feet tall and gives German suplexes to buildings. He suplexed Big Man Japan onto his neck, yet somehow our super-tall protagonist managed to retaliate with a stick that somehow tore apart the Michelin Man with a receding hairline. The second villain is a ginormous leg with a head on top who rides Ferris wheels. It is fascinating that no matter how many people live in Japan, none of them showed up as extras for this picture. Big Man Japan is a misunderstood eight story tall freak of nature. Despite the public’s disapproval of Daisato, he manages to tattoo sponsors onto his chest, arms and legs. It is part of the Japanese Prime Minister’s No Tattoo Left Behind Act. I would love to offer this movie an F, but in all fairness is it more of a D-. Perhaps this movie went over well in Japan. The leaflet suggests the movie is "hilarious". Hilarious or not Big Man Japan is out of this world, literally.

     Did You Hear About The Morgan’s? Pray you did not, and hope nobody else did, for their sake. Sarah Jessica Parker thinks being a New Yorker is cute. Maybe it is…Unless you are one of those New Yorkers, yes I am going there, who thinks everything and everyone sucks unless they are A. From "The City", B. Act just like you, and C. Believe that food, wine, music and intellect belong only if they are Manhattan influenced. This woman literally thinks of herself as a princess, a goddess or something in between. Her stale humor, Sarah Palin jokes, and jabs at people from the country are about as unwelcome and stupid as she is. Look Mrs. Parker, you peaked about twenty years ago. You were never particularly funny, and if you are playing a role without a 20 thousand dollar hand bag or a six hundred dollar pair of shoes you just plain suck. As for Hugh Grant, what were you thinking? This is your only movie of 2009? Really? Once the chick flick Zen master, you are now just a remote control click away from total obscurity. If your career is derailed by successive disasters find a winner. Sarah Jessica Parker never gave Grant a chance; she suffocated any charm he could have brought to this "romantic-comedy". This movie should have bought the rights from Larry "The Cable Guy" for the title Witless Protection Program.

     I stumbled upon a candidate for film of the year and instead of renting that I chose Women in Trouble. Blockbuster Video has a way of conning unsuspecting DVD lovers into renting dumpster pictures. First off, the cover looks sexy and hot. The actresses have humongous breasts and yet they are anything but attractive. Surprisingly Emmanuelle Chiriqui ("Entourage" and You Don’t Mess With The Zohan), and Joseph Gordon Levitt (10 Things I Hate About You) are supporting actors in this drama about strippers, threesome sensitive prostitutes, pregnant porn stars, and insightful older women trapped in elevators. The dialogue is vapid, the characters are unnoticeable (other than their collagen lips and silicon breasts), and the point of this picture escapes me. I watched it with an avowed feminist who asked me point blank "What the hell is this film about?." My only response is that Corey Haim must have written it moments before he died. That way neither the actresses, nor the world would ever know what it means. This is another wolf in sheep’s clothing, which coincidentally is probably the reason why my lamb is so tough. All I can say is after letting Blockbuster’s eye-popping lures trick me into renting Circle of Eight, Bitch Slap, and now Women in Trouble, I will never be a sucker again…Maybe.