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The Men Who Stare At Goats

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

A quick survey: Do you find yourself cloud bursting while driving on a semi-cloudy day? If the answer is yes, how high are your insurance premiums? Do you believe you can walk through walls by virtue of invisibility? If the answer is yes, who is your primary care physician? Finally, do you believe that a farm animal may be executed at eye-point? If the answer is yes we have no need for abattoirs or unnecessary cruelty. We can finally put that pesky animal husbandry job away and move on to new technologies.

The primary cast of The Men Who Stare At Goats consists of George Clooney who plays a devoted U.S. military Jedi knight, Kevin Spacey who plays the omnipresent douche bag foil for our heroes; Jeff Bridges who plays an LSD induced Special Forces (Jedi commander) leader, and a struggling newspaperman Ewan McGregor whose wife has left him for his editor. The story offers flashbacks explicating who or what a real life Jedi knight is. Apparently several acid tripping military officials allowed the existence of a psychic special ops division shortly after the Vietnam War. The purpose of its existence was to psychically prevent the enemy from retaining the willingness to go to war or to persevere through the duration of a conflict.

George Clooney is the lone star here. The other actors are there for show and tell and irony. Kevin Spacey’s character resents the powers of the other knights despite being one of the most talented members. Jeff Bridges is a creepy hippy, essentially playing himself! Clooney is capable of dispersing clouds through eye concentration, he allegedly influenced kidnappers to miss his body when firing rounds and you guessed it, his occular energy kills a goat. The army apparently found it humane to slaughter goats because dogs are too precious (I agree). In what could go down oddly enough as both one of the most classic moments of cinematic history and as Clooney’s most memory onscreen moment, he telepathically kills a goat in mid-mastication. Poor goat, he looked so cute. I thought for sure Clooney would A. have a coronary, B. shit his pants, or C. kill the goat. At least I went 1/3 folks. Ironically the only actor in this film associated with Star Wars is Ewan McGregor who played the role of Obi Wan Kenobi.

The Men Who Stare at Goats is an off the beaten path comedy about three middle aged psychic dreamers with useless powers, but those abilities are still real. The storyline on the surface appears to be about the rag tag army of dimwits, but instead it is about the spiritual growth of McGregor who himself channels the force and becomes a pesudo-Jedi. It is amazing what skills a man can develop after his wife has made him a cuckold. The first hour of the film is hilarious and puts every skill George Clooney possesses on display. He is charming, amusing, and offers a sense of goodness that although false in reality is acted to perfection in this movie. After viewing the picture I tried to perform Jedi mind tricks, and it worked, you read my article!