Kick Ass

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

There is something very special about comic books. They attract a unique crowd of devoted followers and occasionally a few curious stragglers. Comic books can sometimes portray real life but their special purpose is to illustrate the imagination of their creators. To contrast movies and comic books is really night and day. It would require dissertations and there is no clear-cut way to condense a differentiation. Most movies are adaptations of television shows, novels, short stories or comic books. That does not mean that every comic book deserves to be adapted for the big screen. Too often movie studios take advantage of a way to garner an easy pay day even if it means sacrificing the value of a medium such as comics. Though adored by critics and many moviegoers I must disassociate myself from the majority and state unequivocally that Kick Ass is a disaster in every way, shape and form.

     Please do not think of me as an elitist or as a snob. Before leaving for the screening of Kick Ass I was engrossed in reading three novels; The Girl Who Played With Fire, Darth Bane: Path of Destruction, and Darth Maul: Shadowhunter. I am as much a lover of science fiction, superheroes, murder and mystery as anyone else if not more so. All it takes to amuse me is a clever script, skillful acting and some really well-orchestrated special effects. Well folks, Kick Ass offers none of those three prerequisites and in fact I feel dumber for having watched it. Know how the Twilight books are great reads, fast and with an intriguing story? The only drawback is they are written for teenagers and are not well-written. Kick Ass is intended for seven year olds who are seeing an R-Rated movie for the first time. It has all of the hallmarks of pre-teen adult overreach. 25% of the words are "shit", "fuck", "damn it", and the list goes on. Hearing sixteen year olds with haircuts that only Supercuts could produce utter the words fuck and shit twenty times each is not hip or edgy or cool. It is not even surprising, it is plain offensive and dumb.

     There is nothing interesting about the main characters. Nicolas Cage plays Damon Macready, a middle aged man who fights crime dressed as a version of Batman. This is so original I am blown away. His daughter Mindy (Chloe Moretz) is trained as a weapons master. Part of her training includes being shot at point blank range in the chest by her father so she can learn to absorb the impact of bullets and continue fighting. Way to earn that Dad of the Year award! Watching pre-menstrual girls fight mobsters is purported to be dazzling. I am supposed to find this cute? Should I marvel (pun intended) at the novelty of a girl kicking the asses of professional hitmen?

David Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) is "Kick Ass", a "superhero" impervious to pain. Wanting to be greater than a smart teenager with two really cool friends he decides to buy a custom made outfit and fight crime. On his first attempt he is stabbed and nearly beaten to death and then run over accidentally, oops. Through the miracle of modern surgery he is able to walk again and several broken bones are fixed as screws are inserted into his legs and back. This encourages Kick Ass who then goes on a mini-rampage and attacks four heavily armed gang members. He does this with two plastic sticks which must hurt worse than whiffle bats right? Despite absorbing fifty or so punches and kicks and losing for the majority of the fight, he is caught on tape and becomes an anonymous internet sensation. Apparently 30 million plus people watched the video of a teen dressed as a superhero in a 7-11 parking lot? I better retrieve my camcorder ASAP!

     Our favorite nerdy nerd Christopher Mintz-Plasse is Red Mist, son of a dangerous mobster who once again follows the recent trend of family and friends betraying their parents or bosses or best friends for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Despite not having any physical muscle or skills in any martial art, he becomes a super hero? I had better dust off the latex, I am going hunting for criminals! Look out Boca Raton you’re next! Even Clark Duke is in this picture. He must be convinced his career will be over soon so he had better earn as much as possible now just in case.

     I am more outraged than speechless. There is nothing original in this entire film. It is a profanity laden tirade that is so unnecessary. Even Samuel Jackson would wonder why they said fuck so many times motherfucka! Maybe they had had it with all those motherfuckin’ costumes in that motherfuckin’ city? Please tell me why a 16 year old wimp would jump off of a building which is 20 stories high without a parachute or armor? Nicolas Cage must have still been high from all the drugs he took in Bad Lieutenant to have accepted this role. Honest to god people have we really sunk this far that comic books which are terrible have become movies that we are supposed to enjoy and laugh throughout? What is funny? Please explain it to me. I make 100 jokes a day and I laughed zero times during Kick Ass. I will laugh at anything except wasting two hours of my life watching morons act, you guessed it, moronic. I know you will be tempted to see it, and in some way I am weary you might like it, but please do not bother. If I made you curious shame on me.