Twilight: Eclipse

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Twilight is a four part series. I ranked the first Twilight among the worst teen angst stories ever told. The second episode impressed me as a well-directed, excellently told story. The characters came to life and developed into likeable people worth following. The first half of Twilight: Eclipse nearly succeeded in washing away all of the progress that had been made. In one hour I rolled my eyes and teetered on the brink of exiting the theater countless times. I felt as though somebody turned on the soap opera network and locked the exits preventing me from leaving. If you like "Melrose Place" (the new one), "Gossip Girls", "The Young and the Restless", "Beverly Hills 90210" (the college years) and "Charmed", you will love Eclipse.

     The storyline begins precisely where it ends, in a flowered meadow on a brilliant radiant day. Edward as always is a relic from times long past. He loves tradition, honor and poetry (yawn). His competition is Jacob, a dashing young twelve-packed werewolf with the brain of Simple Jack (see Tropic Thunder for details, "you m-m-m-m-make me happy!"). They are polar opposites and both are creatures of the night. We find out that Bella loves both, only her covetousness for becoming a vampire helps Edward gain an edge. The entire film is riddled with their romantic melodrama. It is vexing, mind-numbing, and flat out immature. 13 year old girls will love this film to death as it represents their greatest fantasies come true (a thought voiced throughout the film by my editor Charmaine Saratan).

     Adding fuel to a moribund fire is the imminent attack of Victoria and the threat of the appearance of the Volturi at any time. In New Moon in order to stave off death Edward promised the vampire elites he would turn Bella in short order. His stalling despite her protestations causes his entire coven to come under dangerous surveillance. Victoria has never forgiven the Cullens for killing her lover despite the fact that he caused them to either kill him or suffer their own losses. The entire premise is flimsier than a house of cards nearby an air conditioning vent.

     Victoria raises an army of innocent young kids and teenagers in Seattle to go on a rampage in Forks. She manipulates a new lover who is expendable. Meanwhile the Volturi are watching and as punishment for the Cullens not preventing the news stories about killings caused by these nascent vampires, they decide to allow the newborn army to attack. Essentially the younglings should do their dirty work for them. Worst of all they are led by Dakota Fanning who gives off three vibes that are most unpleasant: Bitchiness, Constipation, and Dumbass-ness. She could be the worst vampire actress of all time. She makes the movie Fright Night look cool and Leslie Nielsen look like a stud as a comedic creature of the night.

     Realizing they must work together or mutually be eradicated the Blacks and the Cullens band together and prepare for a massive fight. Before the action begins with a trap laid to lure the attackers to the scent of Bella’s blood, Jacob and Bella kiss. This is less than a day after she accepted Edward’s marriage proposal and she is standing ten feet away from him. This is the very definition of insanity and idiocy. Edward accepts that she kissed his mortal enemy because she loves him more. And there are rumors Robert Pattinson is flagrantly gay. When she kissed Jacob and when Edward allowed him to sleep on top of a freezing Bella I could not believe my eyes. Although this is in the book I question the message it sends to viewers and I wonder how many men forced to watch this senselessness uttered the word "slut" in response. During the fighting Jacob’s bones are crushed and he is in severe pain. He even adds further proof the love triangle will continue when he accepts the possibility he will date Bella even if she becomes a bloodsucker. Oy vey. Kids these days.     

     Eclipse is like Thanksgiving turkey without gravy or cranberry sauce or stuffing. It is like going to The Outback, ordering the Prime Rib and finding out it is dry and tough because there is no au jus. In other words it is tepid, predictable and absurd. I must confess the novel turned me off before I watched the film. I understand now the director’s and the actors’ constraints. They were given a terrible script that needed amendments and tweaking and not to be a mimic of the novel. Stephanie Meyer writes at a sixth grade level but much of her audience is older and smarter than she gives them credit for. The characters never mature. They never develop a sense of right and wrong. They are like cardboard cutouts of soap opera stars except less talented and fed inferior one-liners. Eclipse left me with a horrible flavor in my mouth that I would love to wash out with soap. Poor M. Night Shyamalan has been saddle-backed with The Last Airbender debuting this 4th of July weekend alongside this blockbuster monstrosity. To steal the words of Jacob Black and rearrange them, dude, bummer.