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The Losers on DVD

Created on Wednesday, 21 July 2010 02:18

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

First let me tell you what The Losers is not. It is not sexy, sleek, witty or exciting. Still, I have seen worse middle of the week DVDs. The previews look incredible but the film is lackluster, slow-moving and rather pointless. Is it possible for movie studios to bankroll a picture that is not based on a comic book catering to thirteen year olds masturbating over cartoon images? In case you are not familiar with the concept of sarcasm this is a rhetorical question!94Z6CNBCCNZX

A group of saintly assassins (including my personal favorite Idris Elba) disobey direct orders from their CIA contact because random children are being held hostage inside of the mansion they have been ordered to obliterate. Rather than reason out their dereliction they stubbornly invade the compound on foot and rescue the little ones. After completing their mission the roundabout way their employer chooses to eliminate the entire independent team. Without realizing that the “heroes” allowed the kids to go on the chopper first, presumably to safety, the hit is ordered and all of the rescued kids are blown to smithereens. The team takes exception to this but they have no choice other than to disappear and give the appearance they died in the explosion.

Hiding in a third world inner city of Bolivia, the team meets a new woman (Zoe Saldana) that claims to have the solution to all of their problems. She volunteers to restore their U.S. citizenship in exchange for the execution of Max, the man who betrayed them in the first place. Despite their distrust for her, the team has no alternative but to consent to her demands unless they hope to remain anonymous residents of Bolivia, away from home indefinitely. Saldana is portrayed as the sexiest woman of all time. Let me know how much of my laugh you can tolerate before it becomes as tiresome as The Losers.

The remainder of the film tells the story of the team’s mission to destroy all things associated with Max. Unfortunately for them Max has become aware of their survival and decides to spend an unseemly amount of money to murder them. If the losers kill a CIA agent and reveal themselves to law enforcement agencies how will they be able to remain un-incarcerated and see their families again? Oh right, I am supposed to enjoy the movie and stop asking pesky questions like how any of it makes even 1% sense.

The only bright spot (if one exists) is a scene with Chris Evans that was showcased in the previews to trick teenagers into buying tickets to see the movie. Utilizing telekinesis he shoots two security guards and convinces the third to lie down and discard his weapon. Of course his teammate is sharpshooting for him from over a thousand yards and a building away but the one surviving officer is unaware of this. These must be some really stupid rent-a-cops since telekinesis by definition does not lexically explicate how a person may shoot someone without a firearm. The logic behind the story is foolish, I mean foolproof, my mistake. The Losers is the perfect title for this picture since it is full of actors who in fact are losers for starring in this horrendous blunder. As aforesaid, I have watched worse movies but I am hard-pressed to remember any of them at the moment.