The release of Takers was delayed several times on account of scheduling conflicts and the health of the director’s immediate family. The box office results will show that America wanted to love the picture for its star-studded cast (Idris Elba, Paul Walker, Hayden Christensen, Chris Brown, Matt Dillon, etc). I am thankful that Screen Gems did not put together a screening for Takers because that would have slightly hamstrung me in telling you the truth about this disastrous debacle of debauchery and distastefulness.
Takers is a movie for dumbasses, written by dumbasses and enjoyed only by the afore-isolated dumbasses. The plot is razor thin like a nearly invisible trip wire. A crew of bank robbers covets a 30 million dollar heist from an armored car. This mission is so original I think it takes me back to the times before Christ. The group is turned onto this potential heist by a former member recently released from prison. His vocabulary consists of ten or so words (shit, fuck, ain’t duh, huh, yeee, so, wassup, rite, boy). I know that most of you just counted the number of words and surprise, surprise there are indeed ten written parenthetically. This is the primary reason Takers disturbs me. It literally eats away at my brain.
I recognize society has reduced everything to the most common denominator but this does not excuse a director and a studio from making a mockery of a movie. I take films too seriously to tolerate a blunder in a blender. Hayden Christensen has gone from Life as a House and portraying Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars to being an imbecilic simpleton following orders from even dumber imbeciles?! Did his manager go apoplectic and suddenly have an epiphany “Hey Hayden, man you need to act this year I am gonna put you in a great movie, you will love it!”? I am shocked and embarrassed for him. Paul Walker has already made his mark as the cool Caucasian willing to hang around with low-lives in order to convince us he is the cool guy they accept, but Hayden Christensen? Really? Dude, you went from being Darth Vader to a damaged C3PO or Melvin from A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy except without the immeasurably ingenious brain.
This brings me to my next pet-cemetery peeve. What qualifies rappers as viable actors? Most cannot speak the English language except for curse words. They look like uneducated filth and surprisingly act like it too. Chris Brown committed infanticide when he beat his pregnant girlfriend to a bloody pulp. As a reward he is a major film star being popularized in American cinema? What has this society come to when this is allowed and encouraged? If it were not for Idris Elba and the exposure of Paul Walker’s bare naked ass this movie would qualify for disability because it is totally useless.
Matt Dillon’s character is a detective that prefers chasing bank robbers to caring for his own daughter. Excellent choice. I know parenthood is such a drag, why not just kill them in the womb? Oh sorry, another Chris Brown reference.
Takers is as stupid as it is pathetic. No amount of action scenes can compensate for scum portraying themselves on screen. This film proved to be a give and take for me. I gave the clerk $20 of my hard earned money and in return she handed me two tickets to a film that made me nauseas in so many ways it is hard to count. If I ever agree to review another movie starring rappers it will be a warm day in Antarctica.
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