Machete is an instant classic. Director Robert Rodriguez exploits Mexicans to an ungodly extreme and somehow fails to offend anyone. Every Mexican stereotype eternally conceived is propounded and in nearly every instance they are hilariousness amplified. Machete (Danny Trejo) is a federal agent whose wife was murdered in cold blood by Torrez, a former FBI agent turned rogue drug cartel boss (Steven Segal). In a moment of imprudent bravery Machete disobeyed a direct order and stormed the confines of his hideout. In the process he attempted to rescue a bare naked young woman with a body to die for (literally). Little did our helicoptering hero realize the young woman was a plant put there to lure him to his death. While “rescuing” her she uses Machete’s machete against him, then removes a cell phone from her squishy sounding vagina (highly viscous at least) to alert Torrez of his indefensible state. The fugitive druglord decapitates Machete’s wife and believes he has killed his superhuman nemesis as well. Appearances can be deceiving just like the horrid previews for this prodigious picture.
Three long years later (a few seconds on screen) we learn that Machete lives and he is in one piece (scars, pock marks, tattoos and gunshot wounds notwithstanding). He has chosen the life so many of us only dream of; he has become a Mexican day laborer in Texas near the border. While loitering and looking for temporary work he is offered the opportunity to fight a powerful opponent for $500 USD. Sufficed to say he wins when the other brute breaks his arm attempting to hit the dodging knife wielder. It is not the strength or size of an opponent that matters; it is how skillful and effective they are (“karate for defense only, Daniel san”).
While playing hooky from life Machete is introduced to a senator’s (Robert De Niro) campaign manager Booth (Jeff Fahey). Booth is a supreme creep of the first order and will spare no expense to cause misery in the name of making a profit. Machete is unaware that Booth is Senator McLaughlin’s campaign manager and is set up to look like an assassin. Booth is framing Machete as a political assassin to make the politician appear to be a victimized hero. Their sinister goal is to erect an electric border fence across the Mexican border. If they could access the dead spots via Senator McLaughlin’s communiqués/forewarnings, Torrez and company could then become the most prolific drug cartel in all of Central America. The Senator’s campaign positions are anti-illegal immigration to the extreme. If elected this campaign platform will enable the fence to be built.
Booth unwittingly failed to realize the connection between an ostensible day laborer (Machete) and his employer’s business partner (Torrez). When Machete escapes the rooftop where he is supposed to be assassinating the senator from, he immediately goes into full turbo-death and mayhem mode. He slices and dices goons like a butcher in an abattoir whose supervisor has pushed him too far. He windmills his way through the guts and entrails of opponents. In one of the funniest scenes of all time, Machete jumps out of a hospital window aided by a makeshift rope (an assassin’s intestines freshly ripped from his stomach). It certainly appears to be the large intestine based on the distance he falls.
Rather than keep the blood money Machete donates it to Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), a local leader of an illegal immigrant support group. $150,000 can apparently buy a lot of Mexicans. She begins his reign as the porno king of the Lone Star state. Before Machete is done he has sex with four ninety pound women in one day sans showering. This includes a threesome with Lindsay Lohan in tow. Would I be a blatant pervert for suggesting Lohan’s breasts are perky and natural? Or perhaps when her blond hair covers them it is very erotic? Of course not because those are her stunt double’s breasts. Lohan is not stupid enough to reveal her entire naked body when she is only 24 and at the start of her career right? Ah, the beauty of scapegoating, rhetorical queries.
The scenes are predominantly filled with Machete’s violence against everyone that is not a Mexican, and Agent Sartana (a post-pregnancy Jessica Alba). Agent Sartana is hypocritical and wears skinny jeans. It is a flattering look, but her mullet hair piece is not. She falls in love with Machete after witnessing his skills carving the human body with a medley of cutlery.
When the action is about the reach its climax Machete forms an alliance with Luz’s Mexican support group. They ride into battle with pitchforks, lawn mowers, third world guns, Molotov (or Cuervo) cocktails, and cars with bouncy hydraulics. Truly they are “Mexican” through and through.
Machete is one of the best horror-comedy, or comedy-horror movies I have ever seen. The blood and guts and gore though omnipresent are almost an afterthought to the humor. However, with all semi-politically under-toned pictures there are problems with the messages forced on the audience. Do not be fooled by the greatness of the heinousness and debauchery, Machete is about one thing and one thing only: softening our minds to the scourge that is illegal immigration. White border patrol agents are portrayed as foolish racists and drug lords that in real life are Mexican and threaten Caucasian U.S. I.C.E. agents are white in this film. Everything is lopsided. While many may be fooled into believing this is part of the comedy routine it is obvious illegal immigration is being popularized and in some sense glamorized here. Rodriguez cleverly disguises his message that America is racist for not allowing anybody into the country no matter what their background (criminals, rapists, and who knows who else should be allowed in according to this overarching assertion) by wrapping it in a comedy about Mexican stereotypes promulgated by Caucasians. Political rants aside, Machete really is a stab at greatness. It cuts to the heart of the immigration debate one way or another. I may not like the message but I sure do like the film. How is that for a paradox?
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