Jonah Hex

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Jonah Hex is the funnest throw-away movie of the year. John Malkovich (General Quentin Turnbull) plays a superb dickhead superbly. Granted this is reprehensible language but one cannot deny its exactness. Josh Brolin (Jonah Hex) acts as a supernatural bounty hunter and foil for General Turnbull. As arch nemeses they are humorous and compelling. Splash on some toxic perfume a la Megan Fox (the delicious prostitute) and we have enough fuel to feed the flames of this late night blazing fire.

     Catching this movie from the beginning is crucial. To recapitulate, Jonah Hex is tied to a cross while General Turnbull burns his family alive. “An eye for an eye” quoth the bible. As further punishment the general and his henchman (Michael Fassbender) brand Hex’s face, a hideous act that leaves an everlasting deformation on the bounty hunter’s cheek. From the inchoate scenes we find out everything there is to know about Hex. He is a man of his word and is talented with virtually any weapon. He always gets his man and refuses to walk away without payment. Hex killed his best friend (the general’s son) and has a soft spot for only one human being, Lilah (Fox). Lilah is as blistering hot a prostitute as has ever been seen (naked or otherwise). Sure Fox cannot act in any way shape or form but who cares? People thought Jessica Alba tickled their fancy a few years back and there is no doubt Fox has the same impact. Her role is strictly to be eye candy and nothing more. At that challenge she succeeds beautifully.

     Hex is tormented by the intuition/suspicion that the general is still alive. Nobody believes him. Meanwhile Turnbull amasses an army of followers ready to commit acts of terrorism to bring the United States’ government to its knees. One of Jonah’s many unnatural talents is the ability to raise the dead. He tries to awaken newly deceased bodies to find out if they have heard of Turnbull’s arrival in hell. Hex is never given a definitive response and this further catalyzes his obsession. The only catch is once his mystical grip is released, the bodies of the dead fall lifelessly to the ground and resume their inanimate state.

     General Turnbull it seems has uncovered a secret weapon capable of causing mass panic. The device is a series of canon ball bombs that mimic airplane bomber assaults before an impending invention. This makes him a dangerous man and the target of the U.S. military by order of the President. Hex is conscripted once more by Lieutenant Grass (Will Arnett) to capture Turnbull and turn him over to the authorities. Not being one to follow authority of any kind, Hex swiftly escapes the army camp and seeks out the general at any cost. Arnett should look to take more serious roles. He is really not bad.

     To the nitty-gritty we go. Malkovich is an actor with limitless oratorical skills. He plays a sympathetic character as well as he does a despicable one. As General Turnbull he succeeds precisely as well as we expected him to. Much like Timothy Olyphant has done, here Malkovich joyfully plays a villain we love to hate and one that makes any picture compelling. Brolin meanwhile is a cowboy. He looks like a cowboy, sounds like a cowboy and guess what, he ACTS like a cowboy. Jonah Hex is a terrific role for him. Lots of men 13-45 will appreciate his antics enough to jump on the Brolin wagon. Some have criticized Fox for her role as Lilah. Ok so she is not Julia Roberts or Cate Blanchett. Being a shitty actress does not diminish her beauty or her seductive voice. It does not take much to play a prostitute ladies and gentlemen. Being fired from Transformers 3 will prove to be a major detriment to her career but the blemish will eventually be forgotten. Where will she go from here? Hopefully not to the cast of a serious film. She is just so damned fun as an idiotic floozy. Overall, Jonah Hex is a fun movie for certain audiences. This is not a date movie or a film for women. It is a movie for guys who like movies. Sorry TNT I stole your catchphrase but all in good fun.