Sylvester Stallone Brings You The Expendables

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

The Expendables reminds me of an old saying that I have modernized on account of political correctness: “too many executives and not enough employees.” Since my imaginative childhood days I have long-wished the best actors in the industry would unite to give the fans the best possible viewing experience. Here in the year 2010 at the age of thirty I realize that wish should never have been granted. Most lead actors are the stars for a reason. If they were a better second or a third they would likely have remained role players or character actors. Instead, when sundry action heroes were put together into a mixing bowl the ingredients failed to blend together properly. On the other hand, casting many of the best action stars of the 80’s, 90’s and 2000’s was worth a shot and who better to make it happen than the emblematic 80’s icon Sylvester Stallone?

     The Expendables stars Jet Li, Jason Statham, Randy Couture, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews and the indomitable Mr. America Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is quite possibly the “Dream team” of action stars. Every actor is noted for their fighting skills be it weapons, martial arts, explosives, or hand to hand combat. Each has starred in their fair share of films (giving too much credit to ER, Couture and Crews but they are fan favorites) and has cashed in at the Box Office. How Stallone managed to pull together so many actors, check their egos at the door, and still afford such blazing pyrotechnics after handing out paychecks I will never know.

     This picture has been criticized for its retrospective 80’s overtone. I say so what. Stallone has proven for a third time (Rocky Balboa and Rambo) that he is more than capable of mastering the feel, look and sentiment of that bygone decade. Many of us hate modern hip hop and pop music and listen to 80’s songs instead. Retro night is still quite popular on college campuses and old fashion styles have made a comeback. On that note, I wonder what my father has done with his 1000 tie collection in the cedar closet. Perhaps he is proving the Windsor knot is the true men’s classic. Moreover, if Lundgren, Schwarzenegger, Stallone and Willis earned their comeuppance in the 80’s why not hearken back to their glory days? If modeling a script based on their successes in the 80’s works (bulging muscles, masculinity and cheesy heroism) than it is the director’s job to make each star look their best and to adhere to the proven formula. Since Stallone co-wrote, directed and starred in The Expendables kudos to him for playing to the strengths of his performers.

     A note about the plot: Do not expect a murder mystery a la Anthony Hopkins or Mel Gibson; instead anticipate more action sequences crammed into one movie than you have ever seen before. The explosions and the gory heaps of detonated flesh are every man’s psychotic “blow some shit up” dream. With a CIA operative gone rogue and a team of sentimental aging men sent in to neutralize them it is easy to see parallels to Rambo and Chuck Norris movies. Nonetheless, the dialogue is rather pathetic with the exception of Terry Crews’ ballistic one-liners. Normally I cannot understand a word out of Stallone’s mouth and I enjoy listening to Statham. Somehow through role-reversal therapy Statham’s accent is incomprehensible and Stallone’s lines are spoken as clearly as only he can deliver them.

     The only real criticism I have is Stallone’s festering inability to understand women. In the film he chooses to devote all of his resources to aiding a beautiful courageous woman no matter what the cost. He does not want to date her, kiss her, or show her his Fleshlight 3000. Instead his goal is to save her like a knight in a dream (only with knives, bombs and machine guns). There are not enough scenes in this movie to attract the female audience which is why Eat Pray Love will likely dominate at the Box Office this weekend. Ultimately this is a forgettable film but it is a daring attempt to restore the glory of many former megastars that deserve another chance to shine. Thanks Sly for being man enough to extinguish everyone’s egos long enough to showcase their greatness one last time.

Jonathan Jacobs

Member FFCC

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