Twilight: Eclipse

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Twilight will be a five part series. I ranked the first Twilight among the worst teenage angst stories ever told. The second episode New Moon impressed me as a well-directed, excellently told story. The characters came to life and developed into likeable people worth following. Somehow, the first half of Twilight: Eclipse nearly succeeded in washing away all of the progress that had been made. In one hour I rolled my eyes and teetered on the brink of exiting the theater innumerable times. I felt as though somebody turned on the Soap Opera Network instead of the feature presentation and then locked the exits to prevent me from leaving. If you like "Melrose Place" (the new iteration on the CW), "Gossip Girls", "The Young and the Restless", "Beverly Hills 90210" (the college years) and "Charmed", you will love Eclipse.

     The storyline begins precisely where it ends, in a flowered meadow on a nearly brilliant, radiant day. Edward (Robert Pattinson, better known as RPatz) as always is a relic from times long since past. He loves tradition, honor and poetry (yawn). Edward’s competition is Jacob, a dashing young twelve-packed werewolf with the brain of Simple Jack (see Tropic Thunder for details, "you m-m-m-m-make me happy!"). They are polar opposites in every way except that both are creatures of the night. We find out that Bella loves both man-children. Only her covetousness for becoming a vampire helps Edward gain an edge in the game of love.

     Adding fuel to a moribund fire is the imminent attack of Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) and the threat of the appearance of the vampire demi-gods, the Volturi, at any time. In New Moon in order to stave off death, Edward promised the vampire elites he would turn Bella in short order. His sublime stalling despite her vociferous protestations causes the entire Cullen coven to come under surveillance. Victoria has never forgiven the Cullens for killing her lover. The entire premise is flimsier than a house of cards nearby an air conditioning vent.

     To exact her revenge, Victoria raises an army of innocent young children and teenagers in Seattle to go on a rampage in Forks. She manipulates a new lover who is expendable. Meanwhile, the Volturi are watching and as punishment for the Cullens’ inability to prevent news stories breaking about the killings caused by these nascent vampires, they decide to authorize the newborn army to attack. Essentially the younglings should do their dirty work for them. Worst of all, they are led by Jane (Dakota Fanning) who gives off three vibes that are most unpleasant: Bitchiness, Constipation, and stupidity. She could be the worst vampire actress of all time. Fanning makes the movie Fright Night look edgy and Leslie Nielsen look like a stud as a comedic creature of the night.

     Realizing they must work together or mutually be eradicated the Blacks and the Cullens band together and prepare for a massive fight. Before the battle begins, the vampires and werewolves laid a trap to lure the attackers to the scent of Bella’s blood. Meanwhile, less than a day after she accepted Edward’s marriage proposal Jacob and Bella kiss not ten feet away from Edward. Edward accepts that she kissed his mortal enemy because he believes that she loves him more.

     When Bella kissed Jacob and when Edward allowed him to sleep on top of a freezing Bella, I could not believe my eyes. Although this is in the book I wonder how many men forced to watch this senseless film uttered the word "slut" in response. When the love triangle collapses because the fighting begins, Jacob’s bones are crushed and he is in severe pain. This causes him to reverse his previous oath not to date Bella if she becomes a bloodsucker. I am not making this up.     

     Eclipse is like Thanksgiving turkey without gravy or cranberry sauce or stuffing. It is like going to The Outback, ordering the Prime Rib and finding out it is dry and tough because there is no au jus. In other words it is tepid, predictable and absurd. I must confess the novel turned me off before I watched the film. I understand the director’s and the actors’ were constrained from the start. They were given a terrible script that needed amendments and tweaking so it would not be a mimic of the novel. Stephanie Meyer writes at a sixth grade level but much of her audience is older and smarter than she gives them credit for. The primary characters (Edward, Bella, and Jacob) never mature. They never develop a sense of morality or devotion. They are like cardboard cutouts of soap opera stars except less talented and fed inferior one-liners. Eclipse left me with a horrible flavor in my mouth that I would love to wash out with soap. Poor M. Night Shyamalan has been saddle-backed with The Last Airbender debuting this 4th of July weekend alongside this blockbuster monstrosity. To steal the words of Jacob Black and rearrange them, “dude, bummer.”

Jonathan Jacobs

Member FFCC

www.screenspotlight.com