John Chu's Step Up 3D

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

The upside of Step Up 3D is that it will dominate in the 18-30 demographic. It is the perfect film for younger crowds. The downside is for those of us thirty and above, Step Up is something like bizarro Superman. It is a freakish twilight zone reality that we cannot escape until the lights are re-illuminated. Because of this enormous demographic disparity I have decided to write two separate movie reviews. The first review is for the younger generations. The second (I saved the best for last) is for the older generations. I offer readers two open-minded perspectives to choose from.

     If you enjoy dancing movies then Step Up 3D will rock your world. It is like Bring It On injected with 500ML dosage of HGH. Previous high school dance movies missed the boat by coming out before 3D became a viable option. The dance moves choreographed by Director Jon Chu are cutting edge and they are mind-blowing in 3D. The 3D effects created by Touchstone’s graphic artists are some of the best yet produced. The real attractiveness of this picture for youngsters comes in three forms. There is: a struggle between the underdogs and the spoiled trust fund kids, a dance warehouse packed with everything dancers could dream of in their wildest fantasies, and two separate romances occurring among the main characters. Step Up 3D is action packed and compelling. This paragraph is the review for the younger age bracket.

     For the older audience let me state I have never understood the new-age tribalesque dancing style. It is spasmodic, epileptic and kerfufflaic. The dancers look mentally challenged. It makes me wonder why anyone with half of a functional brain would choose to move that way. If I tried even one of the moves I would fall on my back, hear a cracking noise and then mendicantly ask a physician for Oxycodone. There is something mighty strange about the generation below me, and I mean that haughtily.

     The two main characters are a college freshman nicknamed Moose (Adam Sevani) that manages to attend half of one class on one day, and a dance studio owner, Luke (Rick Malambri), who is five months behind on his rent. Not to worry Obama has your back dude. You will never have to pay as long as you are down for the class struggle. Moose does not seem to mind that his parents are paying forty thousand dollars for his tuition to the prestigious New York University. His primary interest is dancing and not engineering. Engineering is boring and it is for geeks. Who needs a pesky education? Follow your dreams, learn to do handstands and the rest will sort itself out. It would be so cool to make $15 a week on the mean streets. Yeah, rock on!

     The President tells graduating classes they should volunteer and stay away from business. I have decided to volunteer to tell fans of the storyline that you should get an expletive job and do something with your lives rather than expletive around with nonsensical hobbies that will never provide you with a house or clothing or the chance to have a wife and kids. Learning is such a petty distraction right?

     Moose is the worst dresser I have ever seen. He manages to make Woodstock grunge look tailored. Weighing in at 17 and a half pounds he is softer spoken than Michael Cera and less appealing as a leading man than Eurkle (Jaleel White). I think I would have rather watched Bob Saget pretend to be a college student than Adam Sevani. I still wonder what Hollywood’s newfound fascination with pinheads is. Luke meanwhile is actually talented. Had he been given better dialogue Malambri would have shined like a new penny, or a nickel (accounting for inflation). He is everything Channing Tatum is not; interesting, charismatic and charming. I look forward to watching him in other roles.

     Overall Step Up 3D offers extraordinary three dimensional effects and state of the art dance moves brought to us by the legendary John Chu. I personally hate everything about the movie, particularly the dancing, but from a less critical perspective I can understand why a certain crowd would fall in love with it. It is a multicultural, multiethnic, dance blitzkrieg of epic proportions. If you are college educated and over thirty do not go and get dirty. If you are neither of the above strap on your 3D glasses and go have an uproarious good time.