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As of May 14, 2012

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Titanic II (Not Joking)

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

When one names a ship or vessel Titanic what can possibly go wrong? Maybe the designer wanted to recreate the environment for 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea? Or possibly, much like 90% of American men (while fantasizing about Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears), they simply wanted her to go down. If I have not already disqualified myself from being an unbiased reviewer, I encourage you to press on. Besides, who else is going to warn you when there is an “Iceberg dead ahead!” He didn’t even see it coming! Man those bergs are small during the winter time.

“Titanic II” is bigger, stronger, faster, and even more breakable than before. It’s almost like writer/actor/director Shane Van Dyke created her to crash into an iceberg and sink. A little forewarning would have been nice. The only question I have is how many lifeboats are onboard? Oh man, this is a low budget film, now everybody is going to drown. Oops, I forgot, only half will survive. Not the better half? Man this movie is depressing. Perhaps I should produce Titanic III, besides, I make my own luck! Jack? Rose? Jack? Rose? My name is Jon people!

As our thriller begins, a water enthusiast is braving the arctic to satiate his urge to surf in sub-zero temperatures. Seeing no totally awesome waves in site, he whistles and somehow a slice of a mammoth glacier breaks away and the blue crush is on. Until, the rest of the glacier crumbles and our silver surfer becomes a corpse. Sure, he will be buoyant once he freezes, but until then the fate of his surf board it is anyone’s guess. Once we are first treated to the site of the new Titanic, one of the ship’s attendants acknowledges: “I swear to god I would rather watch some of these people drown than give them CPR.” Man, foreshadowing is so last century! Titanic II looks an awful lot like a fishing boat with a professional stenciler’s upgrades.

We next learn the ship has barely passed inspection and has been rushed to its maiden voyage to satisfy an adoring public. There are so many parallels I can barely keep count (3 so far). I refuse to distinguish the individual characters. I have just been told the Titanic II is the fastest and best ship ever created. Then why does it look like a 42 foot computer generated yacht? There seem to be about 100 people onboard and most of them are coquettish and their heads are full of air. The cockpits have been antiquated on purpose to provide the illusion of paying homage to the original ship bearing the name Titanic. Before launching, the captain exclaims “let’s make history”.

The ship, the helicopters and the jet planes are all photo-shopped. The entire production feels like a cheesy forgery. Mid route an iceberg collapses and causes a tsunami in the Titanic II’s path. The ship’s designer ignores the warnings provided by the coastguard on account of egotism or stupidity, take your pick. This results in a massive crash into a live berg. When water begins flooding into the ship’s vital compartments it looks like the film crew is spraying hoses at the primary actors. The only thing that could have saved this movie, and possibly even the passengers is a wet t-shirt contest. Why put the water to waste? Let’s conserve and share.

In summation, the ship crashes into and iceberg, the metrosexual designer ignored the warnings, and most of the passengers perish. The end. Rest assured that Titanic II will sink at the box office. While I admire the director’s courage to produce this pile of rubbish and pass it off as a tribute, the picture itself is worth a thousand words. Unfortunately each one of those words is pejorative. Game over.