Final Destination 5 3D

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

In essence the Final Destination franchise is reality television come home to roost on the big screen. It is survivor island for teens and upstart adults. The brand has lasted for over a decade and has pulled itself out of the abyss just as the Saw franchise has. While there is nothing new about Final Destination 5 3D, it is amped up on 3D steroids. Every explosion and all of the carnage seem to be hurling at our faces at astronomical speeds. There is a reason why the paradigm remains the same for ordered deaths after death has missed its target; this episode pays homage to the series' roots and beginnings. It is essentially a mishmash of gore and pillaging that pays tribute to its predecessors. Frankly, the movie gave me a splitting headache, if you know what I mean!

The premise begins simply enough. A group of twenty-somethings are convened for a weekend retreat with their egomaniacal boss Dennis the menace (David Koechner). Dennis is vexatiously arrogant and pays little heed to the complaints and warnings of his fellow travelers, after all, he is the boss. The workers of Presage (how original!) are a disparate group. Sam (Nicholas D'Agosto) is having relationship troubles with Molly (Emma Bell). He is considering accepting an apprenticeship as a sous-chef in Paris. She is unwilling to make the sojourn to France but still loves him. Peter (Tom Cruise's doppelganger Miles Fisher) is gainfully employed by Presage and intimately involved with the intern/gymnastics expert Candice (Ellen Wroe). Isaac (P.J. Byrne) is the company's tech support liaison and is a self-proclaimed ladies man. Olivia (Jacqueline MacInnes Wood) is the company hottie that more resembles a pole dancer than an office worker. Her one flaw is her overreliance on eye glasses. Nathan (Arlen Escarpeta) works in Presage's warehouse. He has recently been appointed a co-foreman and is resented by the lifelong employees on the factory floor.

While on an innocuous bus trip en route to their retreat all hell breaks loose. The bridge begins collapsing and in a very specific order every passenger on the bus perishes in a gruesome and unsightly death (being smashed by a car, toppled by a bus, eviscerated by a giant spike, etc.) except for Molly. As is traditional in a FD film, the hellaciousness was merely a premonition. Sam yells bloody murders and demands all of his coworkers leave the bus. Only the aforementioned characters/actors heeded his warning and they all escaped from certain death. Thus begins an unstoppable chain of events leading to several fatalities that can only be described as barfalicious. FD 5 is not for the squeamish at heart. I left out one essential little detail. This time around any survivor may life if he or she murders an innocent victim. They will live for as long as their victim would have. Talk about a recipe for manslaughter soup.

Without couching up the entire storyline, permit me to highlight some of the major subplots. The real pitfalls of Lasik Surgery are explored with a real eye on the prize. The first Final Destination is cleverly intersected with a la flight 182. Gymnastics is all about contortion, but this time they give bending over backwards a new meaning! Acupuncture and special massages can set your world on fire! I will digress now.

Final Destination 5 3D is a nonstop death ride to the finish. It is emblematic of what the series is about: the suspenseful events preceding unusually bloody murders. The 3D component allows viewers to appreciate the massacre in a more visceral way. One has to admire director Steven Quale's impulse to follow in the footsteps of the series' previous directors. The acting is just convincing enough for this to feel like a legitimate action movie, and the killing stunts are interesting enough to capture our attention. Would I like to watch another FD film? Absolutely not as they are becoming redundant and ridiculous, and maybe they were in the first place. Rest in Peace.