Taylor Lautner in Abduction

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Viewers of Abduction will react in one of two prevailing ways. The first and most common reaction will be for moviegoers to become engrossed in the excitement and feel riveted by the electrifying action sequences. The second, and perhaps less common reaction will be laughter. No, Abduction is not a comedy movie by any stretch of the imagination, but Taylor Lautner is truly funny. He cannot vocalize polysyllabic words (meaning he is a terrible orator) and he has one facial expression no matter what the scenario. If he is laughing, crying, giving the old evil eye to an adversary, or defecating, his expression remains the same. He is the least versatile actor I have ever seen. Having written such a disparaging remark, many of you will find what I am about to state nonplussing. Abduction is so much fun and Taylor Lautner is one of the most entertaining actors to appear onscreen in a long, long, (did I say long yet?) long time.

Far from being a standard high school or Central Intelligence Agency film, Abduction is a heartbreaking drama...or it would be if the actors could convince us they cared about anything other than a paycheck! Normally I would offer a long-winded diagnosis of the plot and draw attention to the entire cast of actors/characters, but that would spoil the continuous revelations and suspense that the movie offers. There is a great deal of artificial romance, chases, gunfire, double crosses, tragedies, and disappointments, and lots of trepidation. This film is called Abduction, but the story contains far more loaded layers than can be understood at first glance.

Movie fans, Taylor Lautner needs an acting coach and a dose of humility STAT! In the words of Trey Parker (co-creator of "South Park"), somebody get this man a hot dog! Lautner is the new age version of what a "hot guy" is supposed to look like. He is 5'9" tall (5" taller than half of Hollywood), chiseled as a Greek statue, has dark Mediterranean features, and sounds like, you know, um, huh, a contemporary man child. Sure, Lautner is dynamite performing stunts, and he is exciting despite coming across as a loathsome moron. My recommendation, and take this with a grain of Epsom salt Mr. Lautner, is to find an acting coach or at least observe movies that were made before 2005 and start adapting your persona to match the all time greats. There are too many Lautners and Channing Tatums and not enough Ryan Goslings and Brad Pitts nowadays. When did having no speech abilities whatsoever and looking like a cover model become sufficient for a man to be a movie star? Did feminists turn the movie world upside down? Now women have to be fantastically educated and terrific with language (Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Sigourney Weaver, etc) but men can rely squarely on being ridiculously, ridiculously good looking? Good grief, Abduction is hilarious because none of what Lautner says matches the story or the setting. He is ostensibly horny two minutes following his parents' murder. After swimming through murky waters and having no future to look forward to he is happy to spend time with the girl next door (who hours prior was a virtual stranger) and to provide her warmth with a hippie's blanket stolen from a trailer park? He is the guy that tells the same joke over and over again without realizing it stopped being funny before he even said it. Abduction is all action and all drama all the time, but if this is Lautner's foray into being billed an action star god help us all.

For those of you that are not damning critics I owe you an apology, and I am sincerely sorry. If I had not been busy laughing at how absurd this film is I would have been absorbed by its frenetic pace. As aforedescribed, the car chases, train chases, bullet wounds, double-crosses, steamy scenes, and realistic fight portrayals would make any action lover salivate. Unfortunately, I have a hard time buying Taylor Lautner as an action star. He is a werewolf, always should be a werewolf, and will likely always be remembered as Jacob Black, a werewolf! All I have left to say is arooooooooooooooo!