Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon on 3D Blu-ray

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Transformers 3 3D has arrived on 3D Blu-ray, regular Blu-ray (what could possibly be normal about this stunning high-def format?) and on DVD. Let’s be frank, I continue to feel disdain for how Michael Bay and the special effects dream team orchestrated this hundred plus million dollar spectacle. Steven Spielberg himself called Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon the best 3D movie he has ever seen. Well Steve, you might want to branch out and watch 3D movies that are not DreamWorks productions because yours is not even close to reaching the pinnacle. Let me end the speculation and calm your insatiable curiosity, in Transformers 3 Megan Fox is missed like Florida misses rain during a drought. Her replacement Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is nothing more than eye candy, if that. Megan Fox called it rightly (shockingly); Michael Bay directs women like he is a 13 year old horn dog going through an ejaculation-rich puberty. Though Dark Side of the Moon is too derivative of other alien invasion films, in all fairness it was perfectly tailored to match the patriotic fervor of July 4th, and all that comes along with the summer holiday. Ready to read more? I dare you!

I refuse to write a recapitulative review because it will inherently spoil the film’s rather surprising, if disappointing twists and turns. Instead, I will comment on the actors, the cybernetic characters and on the glaring absence of Megan Fox's persona. First, let's begin from the beginning as the Sherlockian in me demands. Fox brought Shia LaBeouf's (Sam Witwicky) limited personality to life. She gave his dorkiness and awkwardness a cute and amiable edge. Huntington-Whiteley's presence as Sam's new girlfriend Carly is strictly for show and tell like a runway model wearing nothing but a padded bra and panties with doilies. Carly's "love" for Sam is based on nothing, grounded on nothing, and found on nothing we can detect. Sam claims she loves him for him. If this is the case why does she work for and cavort with a billionaire and accept a 200K Mercedes from him while her special someone is unemployed and drives a shitbox?…oh I apologize, let’s call it a jalopy.

Carly's employer is the billionaire auto-collector Dylan (Patrick Dempsey). I give credit to Bay for blasting the mould of Dr. McDreamy and in his place installing Dr. McNightmare. Fox gave LaBeouf credibility and allowed viewers to accept that someone who looks puny and has a terrible personality could really be with a beautiful woman, circumstances notwithstanding. Huntington-Whiteley's major contribution to the picture is pouty lips. Mazel tov! Who says Victoria's Secret models can't act?

The two true stars of the show are John Turturro reprising his role as Sector 7 specialist Simmons, and Leonard Nimoy as the voice of Sentinel Prime. Nimoy's voice carries itself with a high level of impact and gravitas as it always has with his world-renown Star Trek character Mr. Spock. Bay's team also deserves credit for casting Transformers 3 properly. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson return, and John Malkovich plays a super wealthy insane machine enthusiast with such style it is hard to imagine anyone doing it better. Even Bill O'Reilly gets in on the action as a political speculator weighing in on the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons. My question is, are the Decepticons the liberal democrats currently in Congress?

Transformers 3, as promised, is far grimmer than its predecessors. Despite its many laughs and awe-striking moments, it is indeed a serious film about the fate of the world. Rather shockingly, Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) is bloodthirsty and hellbent on revenge. He will stop at nothing to avenge his blood feud against the Decepticons. When it comes to choosing between the fate of his own planet and his own race he choose to protect the humans without rhyme or reason. Thankfully, Bumble Bee (voiced by the radio, maybe the iHeart radio!) is as colossal and charming a hero as ever. The variety of new characters is refreshing but Bay fails to deliver on their promise as their personalities are barely introduced thus rendering them to footnote status in the grand scheme of things. Shockwave looks magnificent in all of his terrifying splendor, and Sentinel looks heroic despite his actions.

Dark Side of the Moon ends with little doubt in mind that there will never be a fourth installment. I enjoyed Transformers (the original), and absolutely fell in love with Transformers 2. Transformers 3 may pack more of a punch with its special effects, but its formula is all wrong and the level of violence and butchery is implausibly overplayed. Since when are the Autobots ruthless, cold-blooded murderers given to retaliation? For me, the film's most grievous error is spending 45 minutes on developing its feature storyline and then focusing squarely on the action and seemingly nothing else. The ending, as many of you will undoubtedly find out shortly, is really nonsensical. I almost feel as though the Decepticons are more loyal to their race and rational about their future than the Autobots. Oh well, my favorite movie series ever ended on a low note. There is always the cartoon series and its subsequent movies to fall back on. Moviegoers, roll out!