Captain America: The First Avenger

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

For Marvel Comics money is truly growing on trees. Not only are audiences easily swooned by their comic book originated super heroes, they are also easily titillated by their mystique. The new face of the Captain America franchise is Chris Evans. What do we know about the former Fantastic Four star? He has been the lead in several pitiful sci-fi/action adventure films (Fantastic Four among them, as Johnny Blaze) and he recently underwent a hair transplant. Many have lauded his augmentation of muscle mass, approximately fifteen pounds of meat. Pundits have compared his work ethic to that of Tom Hanks in Cast Away. However, one difference remains that those hypocritical approbatory commentators have missed. Tom Hanks gained fifty pounds and then lost nearly double as much. For the fifty million dollar question of the night, how do I feel about Captain America: The First Avenger which is the first official installment in the Avengers series? Read on to find out...

When our story begins Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is nothing more than a pencil-necked pest. He is hellbent on serving his country by engaging the Nazi’s in combat. After being repeatedly rejected on account of his various medical maladies and petit size, he is forced to watch his best friend James (Sebastian Stan) go to war without him. Fearing for his friend’s life and feeling imbued with the ultimate sense of patriotic fervor, Steve continuously pursues (even by falsifying his records) a military career. Eventually, after an exhaustive effort, he is randomly interviewed by a sympathetic scientist, Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci). Little does Steve realize he has just met one of the few scientists in the world with the capacity to transform a person into a super being with boundless powers.

Before transforming Steve into something far more potent, Dr. Erskine introduces him to two future peers, the lovely Peggy Carter (Haylee Atwell) and the crotchety Colonel Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones). There is an instant spark between Steve and Peggy despite his usual shyness and awkwardness. Colonel Phillips is dead set against using Steve as the experimental prototype as he does not recognize the great courage and loyalty that Steve possesses inside. For the first part of the film Chris Evan’s head is superimposed on a scrawnier and shorter person. It is not as obvious as older technology would have caused it to be, but the effect is a little dismaying for viewers. Nevertheless, once Dr. Erskine uses half the power in New York City and some of his experimental blue energy, our weakly wannabe is metamorphosed into a six foot tall, lightning fast, quick-reflexes super-stud. This is where the real slim shady, I mean Chris Evans finally begins his role as el Capitan.

At first Colonel Phillips restricts Steve from entering combat zones. Instead he makes him a pirouetting fool of a poster child for military recruitment. This changes when Steve’s best friend is reported missing in action. He goes from being Captain America the symbol to Captain America the Avenger. Fortunately, he does not go naked. Tony Stark’s legendary father Howard (Dominic Cooper) is his equipment mogul. Captain is equipped with a virtually indestructible metallic shield, America rushes into battle against HYDRA, an originally Hitlerian organization devoted to exploring and harnessing the energy of the occult. HYDRA’s leader (Hugo Weaving as Johan Schmidt) Red Skull looks like a demon underneath his exterior. Due the experimentation intended to make him the super being that Steve easily became, Johan Schmidt became Red Skull. It turns out that HYDRA had previously attempted to imprison and force Dr. Erskine to do their bidding. Unfortunately for Red Skull this never transpired.

Captain America rescues his best friend and hundreds of HYDRA/Nazi POWs. Many are so grateful that they become part of the Captain’s elite team of Hydra fighters. They go on the offensive and begin thwarting HYDRA’s plans for expansion and for world domination. Red Skull and his own mad scientist Dr. Arnim Zola (Toby Jones) are formidable enemies. They are ingenious and will got to any extent to dominate the globe. Their rivalry becomes ferocious and threatens the safety of all American cities.

Now that my recapitulative duties are over I surrender myself to the art of movie criticism. Captain America is insipid, inane and just plain boring. Given but one word to characterize this film I would offer zzzzzzz (though there is no definitive rule on how many z’s are allowed). It has twice the soporific effect of Nyquil or Benadryl and without the demolition of my brain cells. Chris Evans is a total nothing as an actor, as is his ComiCon wardrobe in this film. You can smear lipstick on a pig but it is still just a source for bacon and Spam. He lacks anything in the way of charm and he cannot carry a joke further than Wayne Knight (Newman from Seinfeld). The supporting cast of an octogenarian Tommy Lee Jones, a bearded/grizzled Neal McDonough, and what is left of the actor formerly known as Hugo Weaving leaves much to be desired. Forgive me if my true avengement is never having to watch or review another one of these mind-numbingly idiotic comic book romps again.

Earth to Hollywood: film a movie that is not for 12 year old masturbators and comic book lovers (I only kid the fanbase!) sitting in their mom's basement at age 35. How do I really feel? Having written a plethora of disparaging remarks I have to admit there is one redeeming aspect to Captain America that I love. That is its flare for patriotism. It has been a long time coming that a Hollywood production showed even the smallest hint of being pro-America. Liberalism festers in Hollywood while conservatism has grown out of vogue and pitifully so. Kudos to the studio for making a patriotic film that supports the American military and the American spirit. Too bad it sucks more than the divas of the WWE (if you catch my meaning).