Box Office Numbers

$55.6MMarvel's The Avengers
$25.5MBattleship
$17.4MThe Dictator
$12.5MDark Shadows
$10.5MWhat to Expect When You're Expecting
As of May 21, 2012

Hollywood Gossip, Tidbits, and News

 A man has broken the world record for fist pumping buy pumping for 17 hours. My god what an achievement, but we are overlooking how raw his penis must be. The President of Yahoo has been forced to resign because he made an inflated claim on his resume. Meanwhile, in other news, Barak Obama ate dog. Robert Pattinson is 27 going on 17, good for you RSchmuck, I mean RPutz. Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer an item again? Is Jessica Simpson's body still a wonderland? Yes, it's just we are wondering why her territory doubled in size. Is Jay-Z acting like a wild bachelor on the prowl? With a name like Jay-Z I don't think any of us really care. Drake is romancing two cougars? Man, dude's a zookeeper. Does Casper Smart enjoy his five minutes of fame? Is that all he lasts for? Lightweight. Rihanna was recently hospitalized for too much partying. It's ok though, let's keep the focus on Lindsay Lohan, she's white after all. Christina Aguilera is quitting The Voice. John Travolta is not gay, he just like's dudes.   

Mariah and Nick renew their vows in Paris? I bet he showed her the Eiffel Tower. Truth be told, it might have been more like the leaning tower of Pisa. Gwyneth Paltrow has post partum depression. Me too, but it has been quite a while since I was in the womb. Kim K and Lindsay Lohan will attend the White House Correspondent's Dinner. I guess they wanted to see who has the best lines, and I'm not talking about comedy. Jessica Simpson has a baby shower? What is it like 2 feet tall and a tiny water head? Weirdo. Ellen DeGeneres is a Vegan? I thought she ate meat every night! Jenny McCarthy loves Botox. She loves silicon too. Richard Simmons has flammable shorts. Molly Ringwald drinks Kristen Stewart's blood. But alas it's not that time of the month yet. Want to see Taylor Lautner pics? Then go see Breaking Dawn Part 2. Lisa Rinna does advertisements for adult diapers. That's a coincidence because the first time I saw her naked I shit my pants!

Katy Perry dyes her hair purple. That's quite a change from the pink it was last week. Kelsey Grammar has proven you are never too old to get a tattoo or a Viagra prescription. Nicole Kidman does not mind being naked. Trust me when I tell you we don't mind either. Ashton Kutcher is having "intercourse" with Mila Kunis. One more time for those of you from Port Saint Lucie Florida, that's "intercourse". Who's is bigger Angelina's or Jennifer's? What are we talking about? Just ask Brad Pitt, he'll tell you! Seal has a new girlfriend and her name is whatshernameIdon'tcare. Will Pippa Middleton face arrest? Will switching to Progressive really give you better discounts? Taylor Armstrong is "so not ready to date yet". Wait, I don't speak moron, does that mean she wants to date or not? Bow Wow is no longer a wanted man but that doesn't answer the question who let the dogs out?

J-Lo bought Casper Smart a truck for his birthday. Hey, we already know where he likes to park it! Lamar Odom you are fired! Thanks for playing, next time leave the 500lb gorilla at home. Yeah, we are talking to you Kardashian. NBC's Rock Center has coverage more lopsided than Brian Williams' face. Miley Cyrus is not anorexic, she just eats lots of laxatives, get it? LOL? Ann Hathaway's hair is so short she looks like Jerry Seinfeld and there is nothing funny about that. Jennifer Hudson will appear at a murder trial. As a witness or as a defendant? Ah who keeps up with the Kardashians anyway. Khloe Kardashian says Lamar Odom deserved better from the Mavericks. Khloe, try running your fat ass up a basketball court and then you can talk. Is Lindsay Lohan guilty of assault? Only because she attacked my heart. Awwwww. Mila Kunis or Kate Upton? It depends, which one did Justin Timberlake already date? After being arrested for a DUI Amanda Bynes went back to her hotel bar. Maybe it's time she went back to acting because she sure plays a dumbass great in real life.

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Screen Spotlight Featured Reviews

Black Death with Sean Bean

Ostensibly, all of England is afflicted with a mysterious and incurable disease. Death is knocking at the doorstep of everyone regardless of social status, occupation or character. The rich and poor alike, the moral and those indulging in turpitude, even clergymen are being slaughtered by this ungodly pestilence. Worst of all, no amount of prayer or devotion to god keeps a man safe from certain death. How will Englishmen respond to an uncertain future? Will they become desperate to seek alternative truths or become more devoted to a higher power?

Monk Osmund (Eddie Redmayne) has betrayed his brotherhood. In lieu of remaining chaste to God, Osmund has fornicated with the ravishing Averill (Kimberly Nixon). When the bubonic plague decimates the ranks of his small village, he is determined to secure her safety. Averill is equipped to live in the surrounding forest to prevent anyone from finding her, bringing her to harm, and most essentially, she will be insulated from the plague.

In this atmosphere all sorts of amoral and satanic cults ascend to power. Once Osmund has sent his lover away (presumably to the safety and seclusion of the forest), a small band of the King's hands of justice gallop into town. Led by Ulrich (Sean Bean), these men are tasked with bringing a man of God to a nearby village that is not only allegedly free of sickness, a necromancer resides there keeping victims of the plague alive unnaturally. Osmund volunteers to join these men in search of the cure or to put an end to the unnatural practice of raising the dead. Throughout the film the action that unfolds is narrated by Ulrich's top lieutenant Wolfstan (John Lynch). Lynch is no Morgan Freeman but he narrates admirably.

After a lengthy journey through the perfidious forest, Ulrich, Osmund and the remaining ambassadors arrive in the village deemed to be disease free. They find what appears to be a peaceful village led by a blond bewitcher Langiva (Carice Van Houten). Everything is calm and the plague is nowhere in sight. There is something sinister about the village. Things are too stoic and it seems that every movement is designed to lure the King's journeymen into a horrible trap.

The downfall of the Ulrich's battalion happens quickly and at dinner of all places. Lured into a false sense of security by an abundance of seductresses, the men eat and drink with reckless abandon. For their troubles, everyone other than the monk is drugged. The men are imprisoned and in their defenselessness they come to understand the high priestess's purpose. Langiva resurrects the dead and has cajoled the entire village into following her sorcery. According to Langiva, the village has never known the plague because of her powers. She defends them against all evil, but this can only be accomplished through abandoning Christianity and through worshipping her.

The variable throughout the story is Osmund. He is profoundly conflicted. On one hand he has sinned beyond reckoning by violating his oath. On the other, he is madly on love with Averill and would do almost anything to ensure her survival. Langiva shows Osmund Averill's carcass and promises to restore her vitality if only he will renounce his religion. She offers a similar deal to the prisoners. Moviegoers, who will break first. Will Langiva kill everyone to prove her dominance or will Osmund surrender to her vile offer and leave Christianity behind to preserve the life of his beloved?

Black Death is not particularly original or interesting. Eddie Redmayne and Sean Bean make a story of it, but ultimately we have been here before and seen this story too many times to become invested in it in any serious way. I will watch anything with Bean as the star. I regret that he chose the role of a Stark instead of a Lannister in "Game of Thrones", but Bean has done himself no favors by reducing himself to the token battle warrior in anything that resembles a middle ages picture. Granted he is the man on horseback and has a certain moxie that few others possess, but he needs to be more discriminate in choosing roles. As Boromir he became a legend. As Ned Star a superstar. As Ulrich he is largely forgettable. Black Death is slightly entertaining but this movie season I recommend something more uplifting and engaging.

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