Box Office Numbers

$55.6MMarvel's The Avengers
$25.5MBattleship
$17.4MThe Dictator
$12.5MDark Shadows
$10.5MWhat to Expect When You're Expecting
As of May 21, 2012

Hollywood Gossip, Tidbits, and News

An office worker has been fired for her whistle, distracting nice boobs, figure and look at that...Maria Menounos gained 6 pounds on Dancing with the Has Beens. Kristen Stewart is number 15 on Maxim's 100 Hot List. I wonder how her acting ranks on the S*it List? These days Hugh Hefner spends more time in the kitchen than in the bedroom. John Mayer regrets dissing Jessica Simpson and Jen Aniston in interviews. We just regret John Mayer. Is Bar Rafaeli the hottest woman in the world? Dude, your girlfriend is the hottest woman in the world and don't you ever forget it! Justin Bieber is dating high school students? Man guys at that age are so impressionable. Kate Gosselin says she and Jon have made peace. Awww, that's special. Once their fame ran out they stopped cheating. That's really sweet. Why does Kelly Clarkson lose weight when she's only going to put it back on? Heidi Klum felt more special as a blond. Ah, the world's most profound questions answered as only a super model can. 

A man has broken the world record for fist pumping by pumping for 17 hours. My god what an achievement, but we are overlooking how raw his penis must be. The President of Yahoo has been forced to resign because he made an inflated claim on his resume. Meanwhile, in other news, Barak Obama ate dog. Robert Pattinson is 27 going on 17, good for you RSchmuck, I mean RPutz. Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer an item again? Is Jessica Simpson's body still a wonderland? Yes, it's just we are wondering why her territory doubled in size. Is Jay-Z acting like a wild bachelor on the prowl? With a name like Jay-Z I don't think any of us really care. Drake is romancing two cougars? Man, dude's a zookeeper. Does Casper Smart enjoy his five minutes of fame? Is that all he lasts for? Lightweight. Rihanna was recently hospitalized for too much partying. It's ok though, let's keep the focus on Lindsay Lohan, she's white after all. Christina Aguilera is quitting The Voice. John Travolta is not gay, he just like's dudes.   

Mariah and Nick renew their vows in Paris? I bet he showed her the Eiffel Tower. Truth be told, it might have been more like the leaning tower of Pisa. Gwyneth Paltrow has post partum depression. Me too, but it has been quite a while since I was in the womb. Kim K and Lindsay Lohan will attend the White House Correspondent's Dinner. I guess they wanted to see who has the best lines, and I'm not talking about comedy. Jessica Simpson has a baby shower? What is it like 2 feet tall and a tiny water head? Weirdo. Ellen DeGeneres is a Vegan? I thought she ate meat every night! Jenny McCarthy loves Botox. She loves silicon too. Richard Simmons has flammable shorts. Molly Ringwald drinks Kristen Stewart's blood. But alas it's not that time of the month yet. Want to see Taylor Lautner pics? Then go see Breaking Dawn Part 2. Lisa Rinna does advertisements for adult diapers. That's a coincidence because the first time I saw her naked I shit my pants!

Katy Perry dyes her hair purple. That's quite a change from the pink it was last week. Kelsey Grammar has proven you are never too old to get a tattoo or a Viagra prescription. Nicole Kidman does not mind being naked. Trust me when I tell you we don't mind either. Ashton Kutcher is having "intercourse" with Mila Kunis. One more time for those of you from Port Saint Lucie Florida, that's "intercourse". Who's is bigger Angelina's or Jennifer's? What are we talking about? Just ask Brad Pitt, he'll tell you! Seal has a new girlfriend and her name is whatshernameIdon'tcare. Will Pippa Middleton face arrest? Will switching to Progressive really give you better discounts? Taylor Armstrong is "so not ready to date yet". Wait, I don't speak moron, does that mean she wants to date or not? Bow Wow is no longer a wanted man but that doesn't answer the question who let the dogs out?

J-Lo bought Casper Smart a truck for his birthday. Hey, we already know where he likes to park it! Lamar Odom you are fired! Thanks for playing, next time leave the 500lb gorilla at home. Yeah, we are talking to you Kardashian. NBC's Rock Center has coverage more lopsided than Brian Williams' face. Miley Cyrus is not anorexic, she just eats lots of laxatives, get it? LOL? Ann Hathaway's hair is so short she looks like Jerry Seinfeld and there is nothing funny about that. Jennifer Hudson will appear at a murder trial. As a witness or as a defendant? Ah who keeps up with the Kardashians anyway. Khloe Kardashian says Lamar Odom deserved better from the Mavericks. Khloe, try running your fat ass up a basketball court and then you can talk. Is Lindsay Lohan guilty of assault? Only because she attacked my heart. Awwwww. Mila Kunis or Kate Upton? It depends, which one did Justin Timberlake already date? After being arrested for a DUI Amanda Bynes went back to her hotel bar. Maybe it's time she went back to acting because she sure plays a dumbass great in real life.

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Screen Spotlight Featured Reviews

Jane Eyre

I will not deign to argue whether or not the fifth film adaptation of Jane Eyre matches the 19th century novel with its namesake. It is sufficient in this instance (both because I am a movie pundit and not a book reviewer and because I am not well-versed in Charlotte Bronte’s masterpieces) to evaluate the movie alone without muddying the waters or grumbling about the dissimilarities between the novel and the picture. Director Cary Fukunaga’s Jane Eyre takes the period’s moods and temperaments into consideration so as to remain as true to the author’s original intent as possible. Best of all, the pairing of Judi Dench, Mia Wasikowska and Michael Fassbender has created an atmosphere ripe for success.

The northern English landscapes are sufficiently bleak and remorseless for the emotionality of this dreary story. The film begins with Jane Eyre living with her deceased Uncle’s remaining family, the Reeds. The Reeds are bitterly cruel to the young Ms. Eyre. Jane is treated little better than a common housemaid and is scoffed at constantly. It is clear that Mrs. Reed (Sally Hawkins) has dishonored her brother by her unfailing cruelty to Jane. After a family squabble, Jane is sent to the Lowood School where she is beaten for any mistakes and brought up to be both brilliant and obedient to a fault. The school’s masters do not tolerate horseplay or disobedience of any kind. In this environment Jane learned the brutal facts of life and how to make her way irrespective of any harsh obstacles she would face forthwith. After her rigorous education, Jane remains unwelcome in her aunt’s household. Consequently she turns to a kindly missionary St. John Rivers (Jamie Bell) who helps her secure a position as a governess. Mr. Rivers will play a colossal role in her future both for good and for ill.

This begins the adulthood trials and tribulations of the life of Jane Eyre, tragic figure and formidable mid century woman. She has great fortitude and a powerful constitution for somehow so waifish and so pretty. Jane is the governess (household instructor and modern day Dean of Students) for Edward Rochester, inheritor of a considerable fortune. His compound is a castle in which peculiar voices and noises are often heard in the night. Although Jane’s introduction to Mr. Rochester is inauspicious at best (she caused his horse to pummel him and topple over), she soon finds herself in the employ of a kindly equal. Edward’s kindness is the only Jane has ever known.

While Jane finds her way as governess, aided by her polylingual abilities, she and Mr. Rochester grow fond of one another. They share a love for art, poetry and for romantic notions. Despite Mr. Rochester’s advances, Jane demurs because he is betrothed to another woman. Jane’s ally and elderly friend at the Rochester manor is the kindly Mrs. Fairfax (Judi Dench). Mrs. Fairfax is both encouraging of Jane and motherly in her cautiousness for the young woman who had already faced much hardship. One night, hearing a peculiar noise, Jane rescues Edward from a massive room fire that almost engulfed him in his sleep. Reasoning the strange noises along with the random fire, Jane is nonplussed as to the strange happenings around the castle.

After a great deal of time has passed, Mr. Rochester makes his affections for Jane plain as day. Despite her lowly position (this will change as the story goes on), he retracts the invitation to his betrothed and asks for Jane’s hand in marriage in lieu of any prior arrangements. Jane is reluctantly convinced and her future appears to be full of happiness and a relief she has never known. That is…until her husband-to-be is forced to reveal a terrible secret that has haunted him for fifteen years. For those of you fortunate enough not to know how the story ends, I will leave my duties as a storyline reconstructionist at this point and leave the brilliant surprises for you to personally enjoy firsthand.

Jane Eyre is made great through a combination of great acting, amazing directing, and the perfectly chosen grim scenery that sets the tone for the moods surrounding the storyline. I cannot imagine enjoying a classical story more than this one. Mia Wasikowska and Michael Fassbender are perfect in their roles. There is no doubt at any time that they are not wholly submerged in the lives of their characters. They portray Jane Eyre and Edward Rochester to the maximum of their abilities (which are quite lofty). In the absence of electricity, voicemail, text messaging, cameras or a viable postal system, it is amazing how tragic and bittersweet their lives seem in retrospect. Would modern innovations have changed their fates or would their sensibilities and stubbornness have led to the same conclusion every time? That is the very essence of why Jane Eyre is a notable classic.

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