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Mars Needs Moms

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Mars Needs Moms is as lacking as the Miami Heat are in the leadership department. Purported to be a fun family film (the 3 f’s of animated alliteration), Mars Needs Moms is instead a lame excuse for a children’s movie. Milo (Seth Green) is a normal pre-teen. He is cranky, unappreciative of his mother’s hard work, and he does not realize the real world beyond his luxurious domicile is tough as nails. When his father is stranded at an airport after a lengthy business trip, Milo is crestfallen. He takes out his frustration on his mother. Mere hours later, during the middle of the night, a scheming, conniving, diabolical tandem of Martians (they look like E.T. after doctors have vacuumed all internal organs) kidnaps Milo’s mom (Joan Cusack). Realizing that his mother is an essential part of his wellbeing, Milo races after the Martian homewreckers. The impetuous boy latches onto the Martian’s ship (a giant lava lamp, very groovy baby!) and is transported at warp speed to the very depths of the “red” planet.

The plot of Mars Needs Moms is not what perturbs me. Director/Screenwriter Simon Wells likely intended for this picture to be a colossal construction. The three dimensional effects are astounding. The characters appear to be as lifelike as I have ever seen in the field of animation. Their freckles, skin blemishes, obesity, et al, are strikingly humanesque. Basically, Wells wants children to realize how important mothers are. They are more than domestic slaves; mothers also comfort and protect us, and most importantly, they love us in so many ways. Milo is spoiled by his omni-caring mother. Before her abduction, Milo had criticized his mother’s parenting and this outburst hurt her feelings. After being whirled away to Mars onboard the SS psychedelic lava lamp, a remorseful Milo feels the pangs of guilt and realizes he may have been unduly harsh. Facing the prospect of losing his mother causes him to feel frantic. Milo quickly realizes how essential she is to his existence and plans for her rescue.

The Martian leaders understand that their fellow women are not well-suited to care for their hatchlings (born every 25 years from the ground). As a result Martian scientists have created “nanny bots” programmed to raise the planet’s children in their stead. In order to instill these robots with motherly instincs, the Martian leaders seize the sweetest terrestrial mothers their sensors can detect and extract their soulful essence. Earth’s mothers’ nurturing instincts are then transferred to the autonomic nannies. Milo is faced with the prospect of having his mother’s essence drained so that her spirit may provide for extra-terrestrial children. The only recourse he has is to convince a Reagan era, video game obsessed astronaut stuck on Mars (Gribble, voiced by Dan Fogler) to help rescue his mother. Gribble and Dan Fogler are identical in appearance, that is to say they are indistinguishable. The animators have outdone themselves.

Let me state emphatically that Mars Needs Moms is a dreadful film. It is a poor excuse for an animated movie. The picture lacks talent. Seth Green, Dan Fogler, and Joan Cusack are the primary stars? In what universe will that ever work? Certainly not in the Milfy (deliberate typo) Way galaxy. “Robot Chicken” belongs on the Adult Swim channel at 3:00 A.M. for a reason. Their voices are inadequate to the task at hand. There is nothing endearing about them. The story seems terrific when presented on paper, but in practice it feels like a movie for 3 years olds to watch during time out so they will stop acting like little terrors. There are no jokes, no zingers, the dialogue is light years away from clever, and the characters are flat out boring. Is the animation astounding? Yes. Does the story seem to have legs? Yes. Are the actors voicing the characters talented? No. Are the characters interesting? No. Is this a film that will cause my last two remaining brain cells devoted to dignifying garbage to collide and combust? Yes. That’s three yes’s people and two no’s, not good! Honestly, this is a pathetically didactic film intended for young boys barely cognizant of their surroundings. It is simply, dull, and unmemorable. It belongs in an elementary school detention session rather than anywhere near the general public.