Valentine's Day in May?

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Let’s pretend that I am a studio executive having a creative meeting with a potential producer. "Say, Jerry, I have a great idea." "What is your idea Michael?" I think we need to really jump on this Valentine’s Day thing." "What do you have in mind, just shoot straight from the hip." "I believe, and I could be wrong, that if we secure the only romance film the February 14 weekend that we will make money." "I like that a lot." "Do you have any actors in mind?" "We want to make money, not sink the ship." "Yes I do." "Let’s use all of them. Let’s make this the all star weekend for chick flick actors and pay them a quarter of their rate." "Come on, I mean everyone can work for a few days and it will barely influence their schedules." "You know something Michael; I think this could just work."

     I find myself hard pressed to write anything nice about the actors in Valentine’s Day. They are the who’s who of romance stars. Does this make them great? Absolutely not. Let’s grade their characters and performances and then I will add some final remarks. Careful readers, much of what you will read is sarcastic and downright obnoxious...ly true!

     Jessica Alba: She plays Ashton Kutcher’s girlfriend turned fiancé turned uber bitch unwilling to commit. Apparently his success, romantic gestures and love is not good enough to factor into her like I don’t know, do I? Future. Huh? Or in her mind duh?

     Kathy Bates: Does she have a sudden affliction of bipolar disorder? I am not knocking this legitimate condition, my father is a member of that club, but for one hour she is a demeaning boss and then suddenly a caring and supportive mentor.

     Jessica Biel: Plays a publicist for a football star whose story is a lot like Brett Favre’s except that his character is gay. This is a funny twist and one that I really appreciate as football needs to let the cat out of the bag so to speak on this phenomenon. Biel for the most part is hot yet somehow lonely and desperate and pathetic and hopeless, not a good role for her.

     Bradley Cooper: Is he going for the record? I wonder how many movies he can act in during one calendar year, or twelve consecutive months. I might not be able to review movies soon if every time I try he is one of the stars. Somebody please yank him off my screen.

     Patrick Dempsey: Dr. McDreamy is back and this time he is a low-down cheater. He is married to a beautiful woman and has a daughter. Still some part of his masculinity feels threatened that he is not educated enough so he cheats with a teacher!

     Jennifer Garner: I am somewhat attracted to her. Since Catch Me If You Can I have been waiting for Garner to have a quality role and this seems to be it. She is Ashton Kutcher’s best friend and fall back, at least until the end, shhh!

     Topher Grace: His career is almost flatlined but that does not stop Grace from being a damn entertaining actor. This week I thought about writing a retrospective of In Good Company and voila here he is again surprising me with a good performance. He is honest and nonchalant, those are his gifts. Or maybe he sucks and we are both from Connecticut so I give him a pass?

     Anne Hathaway: Has an actress ever been more hit or miss than her? It is almost a coin flip whether she will be a disaster or a star. She plays a phone sex operator and I give her full credit, her voice modulations are hilarious. She genuinely sounds like a nympho slut!

     Ashton Kutcher: Man this guy really hogs the airtime. He is a flower shop owner and is made out to be the greatest person ever! He helps kids, romantics, his friends, his employees, and eventually at the last possible moment, himself. He is sort of like half and half, both fatty and delicious. He gives off the bratty wannabees vibe and the charming comedic vibe simultaneously.

     Queen Latifah: She may be a little too hellbent on racial humor but she is still funny. I think that she is shocking and surprising and adds a nice flavor to this dish.

     Taylor Lautner: Did he stop taking steroids since New Moon? I believe he lost 50 pounds of muscle for this one. His character is a total idiot and serves no point other than to make teenagers well, not going there.

     Taylor Swift: Like, ummm, hmmm. Ummm like I wanna like say dat if you gonna make a movie with like two peeps, a guy and a girl who umm like each other, try to make it with like any two actors who are not these idiots. Please, give the pop culture lingo a rest and try to include some semblance of intelligence in a movie. Not everything has to cater to freaking morons. I say this with all due respect, Swift is a wonderful singer but her acting comes close to reaching the scientifically impossible absolute zero here.

     George Lopez: I personally think "Lopez Tonight" is worse than Conan O’Brien’s attempt at "The Tonight Show". It contains weird facial expressions, bad guests, weird attempts at Hispanic association and zero jokes. That being said, as an actor this guy is priceless. He is genuinely funny. He provided the comic relief that this movie needed badly.

     Julia Roberts: She has aged. Other than that her role is nice but not one that stands out as impressive or otherwise. One thing is for sure, her career has come full circle since Pretty Woman.

     Shirley MacLaine: This woman refuses to fade into the sunset. Do I like looking at her forty years later? No. That may sound harsh but wait people! MacLaine has always been genius as the elderly woman involved in a romance melodrama. She is a true actress with natural talent and an obvious flare for the dramatic, and that works well here. She provided the necessary veteran presence.

     Hector Elizondo: He plays MacLaine’s cuckolded husband an eternal romantic. It is too bad they failed to better capitalize on his reunion with Julia Roberts. He is classy and funny.

     Overall there is not enough quality acting in the first half of this movie to offer audiences a reason to care. It is more of a status symbol for the actors. It is truly like the Pro Bowl in the NFL. All of the stars are there but the defense cannot touch the offense, there are no hits, and there is no suspense to the game. It might as well be a game of two hand touch, and that is not why fans vote for their favorite players to go to Hawaii (Miami this year oy guvalt). Valentine’s Day is the same way. The storylines are not given enough time to become important to us. They are tied together nicely at the end and I appreciate that, but did I care? Not really. This is not a disappointment, but it is nothing to write home about. Sorry Mom, I cannot give you a shout out. Just kidding, Happy Valentine’s Day Mother, Grand mama and Charmaine.