You kill me, no you really do! In the interest of disclosure I should tell you I went to Killers with low expectations and had a review mentally plotted before entering the theater. Does this happen often and isn’t this an inherent conflict of interest? No and maybe, no, but yes. My quickness to judgment comes from my ambivalence toward Ashton Kutcher. The actor is politically active. When spewing forth liberal talking points he sounds foolish, deluded, dimwitted and like a six year old ideologue. I have not appreciated his bratty behavior on and off the set since Dude, Where’s My Car. By the way, where’s your car dude…
Adding fuel to the blaze, during interviews Katherine Heigl sounds dumber and faker than her blond hair dye. Having said that, I enjoy her movies more than I care to admit (oops). As an actress she hits the spot. This is ironic since I always hate her shrewd, yuppyish, uppity, prudish, snot-nosed roles. She is usually paired with a chick-flick Jedi master for a leading man (Gerard Butler, James Marsden, and Edward Burns to name a few). When I watched the previews/trailers for The Killers I rolled my eyes and wondered who in the world chose to pair these two imbeciles together. My initial intuition has proven wrong and I am as a result a man card-less reviewer and thus can admit when I am incorrect, almost. In the words of King Henry V, “onward to the breach dear friends.”
Tom Selleck is about a relevant as Wheaties; they are usually stale, sold cheap and nobody likes their flavor; but they are healthy, or so we are told. He has always brought two trademarks to the foray of acting; his moustache and his gruff manliness. Both are on full display here with a side of Just For Men. Selleck plays Jen Kornfeldt’s (Heigl) overprotective father. Catherine O’hara is his wife and our resident comedic alcoholic. She plays dumb but we are led to believe the booze are to blame, aren’t they always? She adds comic relief at the perfect moments when it seems the grip on the film's chick-flick categorization is slipping. Her bamboozling behavior reminds us this is not a James Bond film, it is a made to be date night dish.
Heigl is her usual self; a pasty-faced, tall, self-conscious, arrogant, disapproving, and down on her luck woman. Remind anyone else of Maureen Dowd from the New York Times? (haha? No? I will move on) Despite my fears of staleness and repetition Kutcher (Spencer Aimes) added a spark to Heigl’s fuse that kept on burning throughout the entire film. Of course our beloved Ashton plays the hitman who falls in love and decides to quit the game to settle down. And why not, millions of dollars and swimsuit models are so yesterday. Boring women with 100 phobias are so much more real. Oh wait, I just described myself, ok we are awesome!
In Nice, Paris, our two young-ish lovebirds fall head over heels for one another. They are quickly married and the director either time-warped forward or had the graphic designer type "3 years later" over the footage. I am comfortable with either scenario. Three years later Spencer and Jen are in love and his construction business is booming. Unfortunately his old boss comes to town (seeing as how he never bothered to hide or develop a deep-cover identity) to settle an old score. Funny things start happening like the neighbors trying to stab him to death. This always happens in movies. Just when you think you know a fictitional character you have never met or heard of before they surprise you. That is so scary. The flatulent/farting/fatman neighbor tries to stab him, the loser geeks attempt to shoot him with machine guns, and his wife’s confidant tries to unload a clip or two through their skulls. To make matters worse Mr. Kornfeldt is also a rival hitman with vengeance on his mind. You never really know your in-laws either. But then again, who wants to? Just kidding people.
All the while it turns out (prepare for a shocker!!!) innocent Jen is pregnant. After Spencer saves her life countless times and reveals he is the freaking spy of the century she decides both she and her baby are too good for the likes of him. He is only a mere superhero who married her despite the fact nobody else had ever wanted to. Good decisions abound (stole that word from my co-writer Jason DeMoe, sorry Jason, there is no trademark for that one!).
All in all Killers (plural for a reason) is a very decent little film. It feels like a solid 6/10 rather than the 0-10 I imagined it would be. Somehow, someway, Heigl and Kutcher have chemistry. I always wonder how he is never involved in tabloid scandals being married to a woman nearing 50 when he is barely 30 and on set with gorgeous women all of the time. He must be a good husband although politically he is an immature brat with terribly uninformed arguments. If you want five or ten really good laughs and to be reminded of "That 70’s Show" minus my Mila Kunis feel free to risk your life and watch Killers.
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