Coyote County Loser

Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Coyote County Loser is an unexpected and oddly charming film. Beau Clark (Jack Proctor) for all intents and purposes looks like Bradley Cooper, and wears the same clothes as Bradley Cooper down to his extra-large sunglasses. Instead of being bumptious like Cooper, Beau is a really cool regular guy. Pardon the theft of the following phrase, but Beau is a master of “acting naturally.” Coyote County Loser is an independent film and a damned good one at that. It is a date movie that even the Mothman would not see coming from a mile away. Were I an investor/producer, this is exactly the type of film I would want to make to warm the hearts of couples around the world.

     Jack is on his way to Los Angeles to assume the mantle of a syndicated talk radio host heard by millions of listeners. Unfortunately, not only does his car stall in the middle of the desert town Coyote County, so too does his luxury automobile, the Saturn Sky convertible (what a stud!). Rather than acting as though he is trapped in the middle of a virtual nowhere town, Jack employs his conversational skills and quickly makes friends, and one very feisty enemy.

     At the town’s central gas station/diner eatery, he chats up the owners, Fred Hopps (Wayne Grace) and Maggie Hopps (K Callan). Fred and Maggie are lovely small town people. They are content with their lives and have been together for forty eight years of blissful marriage. They are a paradigm for Jack to follow at some future time (closer than he at first believes). While chatting with Fred and Maggie, Jack is also listening to the local talk radio station K-RAP (an obvious pun). He hears their flagship show anchored by the locally adored Dr. Lauren Hartford (Nikki Boyer). Jack listens intently as Dr. Hartford repeatedly advises callers about love, mostly according to her “Non-Negotiable Check List or NNCL”. The NNCL is an aberration of the concept of love and chemistry if ever there was one. Feeling giddy over her seeming parochialism and un-acceptance of taking risks to reap great rewards, Jack calls her program to demand clarification. He challenges her prescription for love and romance and proposes she relies on too rigid a format for choosing a partner, one which removes any of the spark and spontaneity of courtship. Little does Jack realize he has lit the fuse to a powder keg that will irrevocably change his life and the life of the adorable Dr. Hartford.

     Before long, Jack chooses to accept the K-Rap station manager’s offer to have a part-time stint on the air after Dr. Hartford’s show. He sometimes interrupts her program to dispute her “worthless” advice to listeners. This makes the ratings skyrocket and brings back Kar Barn as a premier advertiser. Personally, I prefer to purchase automobiles off of a lot, but if a barn were the only outlet, I would have to consider modifying my policy. Together, despite their animosity, sparks are flying everywhere.

     Based on Jack’s advice the entire town begins bathing for what seems like the first time in centuries. Flowers are sent to everyone’s crushes and the hearts of Coyote County are set afire. In order to prove a point and to rid the town of its newest and best host, Dr. Hartford agrees to challenge Jack Proctor the “Love Doctor” to a contest. They choose from a myriad of callers the “biggest loser in Coyote County” to compete in their game.

     The purpose of the contest is for Jack to help the biggest loser introduce his affections, and successfully so, to his dream girl in town. Should Jack lose he will have to relinquish his claim on K-RAP’s airwaves and return to Los Angeles. After careful consideration (disqualifying creeps and stalkers), the duo decide on the voice-disguised biggest loser contestant. Little do they realize that they have chosen Lyle Granger, Lauren’s longtime friend and classmate. While she is developing romantic feelings for her uproarious co-host (painstakingly but steadily), Lyle is busy scrubbing his feet, shaving, and preparing to spill his proverbial guts to the love of his life, the wholeheartedly disinterested love doctor. Jack and Lauren are both in for a serious lesson on how to provide advice on love, life, and anything in between.

     While Lauren and Jack are busy dancing around their mutual attraction, as only star-crossed lovers can do, their radio engineering staff members Doyle and Tiffany are also busy falling in love, albeit in the most awkward of fashions. Harping on the advice of both love “doctors”, Doyle rehearses his courtship speech that is unfortunately interrupted by a dismayed Tiffany. She sorts through her feelings by comparing the Star Trek loving young man to her checklist as recommended by Lauren. It would seem there is more than love in the air, there is also the stench of cheap cologne! And phasers, and quantum torpedoes.

     Regrettably, after the laughs and the frills, Coyote County Loser left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Although the script is hokey and the acting is cliché to a breaking point, the film is mostly a joyride. Yes, this joyride may include a train wreck or ten, and chronic hiccups, but there is so much to make fun of and there are so many eye rolling laughs to enjoy. This is a date night treasure. If two people sequestered on a snow-filled winter’s eve with nowhere to go and nothing else to do cannot find the goodness in this limburger cheesy comedy, I will shovel their driveway.