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| $ | 55.6M | Marvel's The Avengers |
| $ | 25.5M | Battleship |
| $ | 17.4M | The Dictator |
| $ | 12.5M | Dark Shadows |
| $ | 10.5M | What to Expect When You're Expecting |
| As of May 21, 2012 | ||
An office worker has been fired for her whistle, distracting nice boobs, figure and look at that...Maria Menounos gained 6 pounds on Dancing with the Has Beens. Kristen Stewart is number 15 on Maxim's 100 Hot List. I wonder how her acting ranks on the S*it List? These days Hugh Hefner spends more time in the kitchen than in the bedroom. John Mayer regrets dissing Jessica Simpson and Jen Aniston in interviews. We just regret John Mayer. Is Bar Rafaeli the hottest woman in the world? Dude, your girlfriend is the hottest woman in the world and don't you ever forget it! Justin Bieber is dating high school students? Man guys at that age are so impressionable. Kate Gosselin says she and Jon have made peace. Awww, that's special. Once their fame ran out they stopped cheating. That's really sweet. Why does Kelly Clarkson lose weight when she's only going to put it back on? Heidi Klum felt more special as a blond. Ah, the world's most profound questions answered as only a super model can.
A man has broken the world record for fist pumping by pumping for 17 hours. My god what an achievement, but we are overlooking how raw his penis must be. The President of Yahoo has been forced to resign because he made an inflated claim on his resume. Meanwhile, in other news, Barak Obama ate dog. Robert Pattinson is 27 going on 17, good for you RSchmuck, I mean RPutz. Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer an item again? Is Jessica Simpson's body still a wonderland? Yes, it's just we are wondering why her territory doubled in size. Is Jay-Z acting like a wild bachelor on the prowl? With a name like Jay-Z I don't think any of us really care. Drake is romancing two cougars? Man, dude's a zookeeper. Does Casper Smart enjoy his five minutes of fame? Is that all he lasts for? Lightweight. Rihanna was recently hospitalized for too much partying. It's ok though, let's keep the focus on Lindsay Lohan, she's white after all. Christina Aguilera is quitting The Voice. John Travolta is not gay, he just like's dudes.
Mariah and Nick renew their vows in Paris? I bet he showed her the Eiffel Tower. Truth be told, it might have been more like the leaning tower of Pisa. Gwyneth Paltrow has post partum depression. Me too, but it has been quite a while since I was in the womb. Kim K and Lindsay Lohan will attend the White House Correspondent's Dinner. I guess they wanted to see who has the best lines, and I'm not talking about comedy. Jessica Simpson has a baby shower? What is it like 2 feet tall and a tiny water head? Weirdo. Ellen DeGeneres is a Vegan? I thought she ate meat every night! Jenny McCarthy loves Botox. She loves silicon too. Richard Simmons has flammable shorts. Molly Ringwald drinks Kristen Stewart's blood. But alas it's not that time of the month yet. Want to see Taylor Lautner pics? Then go see Breaking Dawn Part 2. Lisa Rinna does advertisements for adult diapers. That's a coincidence because the first time I saw her naked I shit my pants!
Katy Perry dyes her hair purple. That's quite a change from the pink it was last week. Kelsey Grammar has proven you are never too old to get a tattoo or a Viagra prescription. Nicole Kidman does not mind being naked. Trust me when I tell you we don't mind either. Ashton Kutcher is having "intercourse" with Mila Kunis. One more time for those of you from Port Saint Lucie Florida, that's "intercourse". Who's is bigger Angelina's or Jennifer's? What are we talking about? Just ask Brad Pitt, he'll tell you! Seal has a new girlfriend and her name is whatshernameIdon'tcare. Will Pippa Middleton face arrest? Will switching to Progressive really give you better discounts? Taylor Armstrong is "so not ready to date yet". Wait, I don't speak moron, does that mean she wants to date or not? Bow Wow is no longer a wanted man but that doesn't answer the question who let the dogs out?
J-Lo bought Casper Smart a truck for his birthday. Hey, we already know where he likes to park it! Lamar Odom you are fired! Thanks for playing, next time leave the 500lb gorilla at home. Yeah, we are talking to you Kardashian. NBC's Rock Center has coverage more lopsided than Brian Williams' face. Miley Cyrus is not anorexic, she just eats lots of laxatives, get it? LOL? Ann Hathaway's hair is so short she looks like Jerry Seinfeld and there is nothing funny about that. Jennifer Hudson will appear at a murder trial. As a witness or as a defendant? Ah who keeps up with the Kardashians anyway. Khloe Kardashian says Lamar Odom deserved better from the Mavericks. Khloe, try running your fat ass up a basketball court and then you can talk. Is Lindsay Lohan guilty of assault? Only because she attacked my heart. Awwwww. Mila Kunis or Kate Upton? It depends, which one did Justin Timberlake already date? After being arrested for a DUI Amanda Bynes went back to her hotel bar. Maybe it's time she went back to acting because she sure plays a dumbass great in real life.
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Ah, Wrestlemania…the show of the immortals (or something like that). The 2010 Wrestlemania is the true 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania, and on paper, the card looked fairly decent. The following column contains my live notes while watching the show on TV with three other friends.
If you’re ordering Wrestlemania at home, it’s $55 – what a rip-off! I don’t care how good this show turns out to be; unless you have a group of at least 5 or 6 people, you’ve actively joined the Vince McMahon Kiss-My-Ass Club (your best bet is to try and watch it at a closed circuit TV facility).
Fantasia sung "America the Beautiful" to kick off the show (why no "Star Spangled Banner"?); I don’t understand how this idiot could have faked her way through school and American Idol while being illiterate (BTW, I’m secure enough in my masculinity to confidently say that the first American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, is still the best one that show has produced). Still, the opening promo was excellent; even when the quality of the show isn’t up to par, at least the WWE production crew never fails to impress!
The first match was R-Truth and John Morrison vs. Show-Miz. As annoying as R-Truth can be, he pulled off some pretty sweet moves, such as a top rope legdrop and a split to duck a move (still, why does he have to keep saying Wassup? Is he channeling his inner Bubba Ray and Devon Dudley?). The match ended after about 5 minutes with a Big Show punch, "knocking out" Mr. Starship Pain, a.k.a. John Morrison. This was nothing more than what you’d see on Friday night Smackdown.
Several clips were shown of Wrestlemania week, with John Cena on the Jimmy Fallon Show (why does he have a show?), Chris Jericho on the George Lopez Show (ditto) and Santino crashing a golf cart during a charity golf tournament for no apparent reason. OK then…
The second match was a triple-threat match between Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase Jr. and Cody Rhodes. Not surprisingly, Orton came out to cheers, as he’s the only charismatic wrestler of the group. When he wasn’t being double-teamed, Orton’s typical offense was on display in the match, including the wonderful trifecta of the Orton Stomp (shades of the Ronnie Garvin Stomp), the neckbreaker over the side of his back, and a hanging DDT from the middle rope (actually, it was a double-DDT, as both Rhodes and DiBiase were coming into the ring simultaneously).
Things turned scary when DiBiase and Rhodes started turning on each other and the usually reliable Matt Striker teased that perhaps this was a future Wrestlemania main event between Rhodes and DiBiase; YIKES! The creative finish saw Orton punt Rhodes, followed by a Million Dollar Dream Sleeperhold by DiBiase, countered by a flipover into an RKO for a pin by Orton.
A backstage segment was shown promoting Slim Jim, or as Santino calls it, Slim James (thank you, I have lost a few pounds lately). The segment started off with Jillian Hall (a.k.a. Brooke Hogan) singing off-key; Santino eats a piece of Slim Jim, and Jillian turns into Mae Young, then Gene Mean (aka Mean gene Okerlund), then finally Melina (after successive bites). The segment started off very poorly, but ended up being decent (better than those crappy Edge Slim Jim commercials – bring back the Macho Man!).
The third match was the 10-man Money-in-the-Bank Ladder Match. For some reason, Kane had a nasty black eye going into this match. There were some creative spots, such as Kane’s powerbomb of Kofi Kingston onto a ladder, Jack Swagger getting sandwiched inside of a ladder (with perpendicular ladders being slammed through the vertical ladder into Swagger), and Matt Bourne’s Shooting Star Press from the top of a ladder onto Christian. The match ended with a SHOCKER, as the All American American Jack Swagger grabbed the briefcase (after fucking it up and unsuccessfully trying to remove it for about 15 seconds). They can’t possibly make Swagger into a World Champion when he really can’t wrestle and he really can’t talk, can they? What? They did that to The Great Khali? They did that to Shamus? Um…never mind…
Speaking of which, the next match was between Shamus and HHH. One of my friends pointed out to me that the cross on HHH’s tights is the same cross that was used by the Nazi’s in WWII…I hope that isn’t true, being that the WWE is all "family friendly" and…presumably…anti-Nazi.
After a 7-10 minute intro (no wonder this show is 4 hours long!) and several boring minutes of back and forth action (including a nice one-armed backbreaker by Shamus), HHH kicked out of the bicycle kick, leading me to believe he might actually win the match, despite the rumors that he’d give the rub to his workout buddy, Shamus. In a nice display of veteran psychology, Trips pulled a Bret Hart move after a second bicycle kick, by pretending he was groggy while Shamus picked him up for the Razor’s Edge, slipping out and giving Shamus a pedigree for the pin. (To cite the reference, Bret played possum against Diesel at the 1995 Survivor Series, slumping to the ground before Diesel was going to powerbomb Bret after Bret was knocked into a table, then quickly pinning Diesel with a small package for the win and the World Title).
The fifth match saw CM Punk, along with Luke Gallows and Sarina, face off against the diminutive Rey Mysterio Jr., who for some reason had a terribly braided ponytail attached to his mask, almost like he was pretending to be a Mongolian. Punk has really stepped up his game since turning heel, and both men had a pretty good, albeit short match. In one awesome sequence, Mysterio performed a moonsault into a DDT on Punk, but missed an Eddie Guerrero frog splash. The end came when Rey-Rey hit the stupid looking 619 and splash on Punk, resulting in the win.
The steak and potatoes of the PPV started next, as an excellent video recap of the Bret Hart/Vince McMahon feud commenced, followed by their No Holds Barred match. Vince’s ominous "screwjob" promise to Bret was revealed, as he turned the match into a Lumberjack match, with the Lumberjacks being the Hart Family, who Vince bribed to turn on Bret. Additionally, the special guest referee was Bruce Hart, who has also had his past issues with Bret. After taking a microphone, Bret explained that blood is thicker than money, and that the Hart Family was double-crossing Vince by siding with Bret.
In case you’re wondering, Bret fought in a t-shirt and long jean shorts, and wore elbow and knee pads, while Vince "wrestled" in his trademark sleeveless T-shirt. This match was a total squash, and I mean A TOTAL SQUASH! Once Vince was outside the ring, the Hart Dynasty relentless attacked him, unleashing a top rope Hart Attack on Vince, knocking him senseless. Bret pulled out a couple of his classic moves, like the elbowdrops to the leg and face, and multiple stomps to the gut. I have to give it to Vince; I honestly don’t remember him getting even one piece of offense in against Bret – Vince agreed to let Bret beat the holy shit out of him, and Bret gladly obliged, to the tune of at least 15 solid chair shots to the back, neck and torso, followed by a well executed sharpshooter that make Vince submit. I’m glad that Bret was able to get as much closure as possible from the Montreal screwjob by fighting Vince at Wrestlemania, and the fans seemed happy for Bret at the end of the match (the crowd was dead at times for parts of this match and most of the other matches on the card).
The next match on the show was Chris Jericho vs. Edge in the first World Title match of the night. After the first ten minutes of the match, the pace started to pick up, as Jericho turned a spear into a codebreaker for a near fall. Jericho, working on Edge’s injured ankle, thankfully won the match after nailing Edge with the title belt when the referee was knocked out, followed by a second codebreaker. Post-match, Edge jumped off of the Spanish Announcer’s Table and speared Jericho through a padded barricade (it sounded like some of the fans were booing Edge at his post-match actions).
The World Title match was followed by the 10-Diva crapfest match…um…excuse me…Vickie Guerrero’s team won when Vickie, impersonating Eddie, gave a frog splash to Kelly (x2), followed by several smaller standing splashes.
John Cena faced Dave Batista for the WWE Title, and for the second time, the champion came to the ring first, rather than second (so much for tradition). Cena’s entrance was the weirdest entrance I’ve ever seen, as the US Honor Guard Drill Team was at the top of the stage, trying to emulate the opening of "A Few Good Men" by maneuvering/synchronizing their firearms in staggered unison, before Cena ran to the ring. WTF?
The match itself was ho-hum, as both men kicked out of the other’s finisher, before Batista finally tapped to the STF, making Cena a 9-time (9-time, 9-time, 9-time, 9-time, 9-time, 9-time, 9-time, 9-time) World Champion.
Thankfully, the final match was the rematch from last year, as Shawn Michaels and his career faced off against the Undertaker’s 17-0 undefeated streak. Before the show, my prediction was that the Undertaker would win, because I couldn’t bear the thought of HBK ending the streak (At this point, I think the Undertaker should end his career with an undefeated Wrestlemania record; why have him lose if he’s gone this far without a loss?). I noted to my friends that the Undertaker’s entrance walk is anti-The Ultimate Warrior, eliciting a few chuckles (don’t worry; I’ll keep my day job).
Once again, the crowd seemed "dead" at times during this match (bad pun aside, maybe the acoustics in the building were bad?). Shawn did some great selling, at one point twisting 360 degrees from an Undertaker boot to the head, and desperately emoting how much he needed to win the match. The Undertaker sustained a "knee injury," which Michaels attacked relentlessly. When Michaels kicked out, after he was tombstoned on the outside floor and after receiving a vicious-looking Last Ride in the ring, I was convinced HBK was going to end the streak. Michaels, pulling everything out of his arsenal, performed a top-rope moonsault onto a prone Undertaker, breaking the Spanish announcer’s table, followed up by Sweet Chin Music for a two count.
The Undertaker rebounded with a choke slam and tombstone, only to have Michaels kick out. After the Undertaker stared in disbelief for what seemed like an eternity, Michaels slowly got to his feet, and, realizing that his end was near, slapped the Undertaker in the face. THAT…WAS…AWESOME!!! Seething, The Undertaker grabbed HBK and gave him a spectacular jumping tombstone for the three count!
Post-match, Shawn and the Undertaker hugged in the ring, followed by HBK saying goodbye to the crowd for likely the last time in a wrestling role. If this really is his last match, Shawn had a great career, and I’m glad that he’s retiring now, as he really has nothing left to prove.
BTW, there was a great sign that was visible on camera when HBK was walking to the back; "This match has been sponsored by the AARP" – that schmuck must have thought he was attending a TNA event…
Overall, the event was enjoyable, and it provided some great moments, but most of the matches felt overbooked (too many kicking of other people’s finishers), and on TV, the crowd seemed terribly quiet for the duration of the show (which definitely affects the viewing experience).
3 ¼ out of 5 stars.
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