Movie Reviews

You May Not Kiss the Bride Rob Schneider

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Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Masha is a beautiful young woman blessed with many gifts, among them incredible ballet skills. On the flipside of the coin, her parents are Eastern European mobsters worth millions of dollars. Vadik Nikitin (Ken Davitian, a.k.a. that fat guy from Borat) is a sinister criminal mastermind employing many dangerous gansters, chief among them strongman Brick (Vinnie Jones).

Brian is living the dream, only not really at all. Originally, the aspiring young cameraman lost his way and became a pet photographer for pet lovers. This glorious position involves calming canines by massaging their testicles and dressing cats and birds in amusing costumes. Who wouldn't want that job for $7.95 an hour! There is one amazing perk to his position; Brian's newest assistant is Tonya (Mena Suvari fresh off of American Reunion), a thirty something with a body to die for and a rabid desire to flirt with her boss. Throughout the film Tonya simply will do anything, no matter how repugnant, to bed her crush.

One fateful day, Brian accidentally causes a wealthy customer's cat (Mrs. Nikitin) to be assaulted by a feral German shepherd and the rest is history. The photographer is brought before the gang lord Vadik and a proposal is offered with significant coercive tactics. Brian is to marry his daughter Masha forthwith or suffer an immediate termination (gunshot to the head in this case). This marriage will solidify her green card status. Being and honorable man, and scared to death, he consents and away we go.

At the wedding, having never before laid eyes on Masha, it is clearly love at first site between our lovebirds. They are both young and romantic and sweet. All that can come between them is the barrel of a gun, the maniacally jealous criminal lieutenant Brick and the green-eyed crazy woman Tonya. The next phase of their relationship begins in Hawaii where Brian and Masha are scheduled to honeymoon.

Despite her father's warning, Brian and Masha almost become intimate on a handful of occasions. Things really heat up when she is kidnapped on their excursion into a jungle lagoon. At first Brian suspects foul play from the waitress that recommended the lover's cove (Tia Carrere (the hot Asian girl from Wayne's World) as Lani). It is quickly obvious though that Brick has teamed with the immigration officers (Kevin Dunn and Howard Bishop) to kidnap Masha for an enormous 10 million dollar ransom. It is up to Brian along with Lani and her cousin Ernesto to rescue Masha. It is during this nearly fatal misadventure that the two young lovers finally consummate their bond of marriage, sexy!

You May Not Kiss the Bride is for sure a straight to DVD film but I have seen far worse at the cineplex. Katharine McPhee seems so sweet and innocent and David Annable has a bright future in the movie business. This film definitely needs more Rob Schneider but his absence is forgivable as his character is by definition a colossal dumbass. Vinnie Jones is his typical rugged and bullying self (not a compliment). It is always worth a look to see Ken Davitian trying to play a character that is not associated with Borat. Perhaps my favorite character/actress in the film is Mena Suvari. She is willing to do whatever it takes to entertain audiences and it is clear that her incredible physique is often overlooked. Essentially, You May Not Kiss the Bride is worth your attention but it is a rather middle-of-the-road rental without anything distinctive to separate it from the crowd. 

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