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Drive Angry 3D

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Written by Jonathan Jacobs

     John Milton (Cage) has been resurrected, well, sort of. Our hero whose name refers to the epic theological poet, has escaped from the underworld to pursue justice or revenge, call it what you will. Milton’s daughter was incarcerated and murdered by the leader of a Satanic cult, Jonah King (Billy Burke). Jonah utilizes her leg bones for a walking stick. When he sought a blow job from the young lady in question, she nearly masticated his penis off the bone (pun intended for sure). Feeling spiteful, he mutilated her. This caught the attention of Milton, in hell at the time, who was forced to watch the massacre of his only child over and over again. Before this gruesome incident, she gave birth to a baby. Jonah has kidnapped the child in order to offer it as a sacrifice to Satan himself. Milton is back from the dead and he is pissed off. So pissed off that he might drive angry. Road rage can be a frightening premise for a religious horror film!

     Milton needs help in order to rescue his grand-daughter. While plotting his next move, a beautiful waitress (Piper, played by Amber Heard) quits her job and offers him a ride toward his next destination. Piper comes home to her trailer trash boyfriend showing his one-eyed trouser snake to a classy local lady. After some domestic violence that screams Jerry Springer, Milton rescues Piper and they begin traveling together. The remainder of the film consists of a few uneventful car chases, and some graphic sexual encounters. Milton proves himself an expert as Hank Moody from Showtime’s “Californication” would call it, “fucking and punching.”

     The centerpiece to our story is revealed gradually and mostly when Milton’s hellacious hunter known as the “Accountant” (William Fichtner fresh off a round of very successful plastic surgery) is on screen. The Accountant handles the books for the dark lord. This means that if someone has escaped from hell they will need to be reclaimed to restore balance. Later, this causes confounding ambiguity. The Accountant reveals that Satan does not appreciate ritual sacrifices involving children. This is where my knowledge of theology may be limited or even seem naive. Essentially, director Patrick Lussier tells us that Satan is not evil because he punishes child molesters, stoners, killers, and rapists. Satan does not compel people to act criminally, instead he seeks to punish them for their depraved actions. This is a fascinating perspective, but one that until today I was unfamiliar with.

     Overall, Drive Angry 3D has some entertaining moments. I am a sucker for maimed flesh flying at my face in 3D, and I love it when I subconsciously duck while watching debris hurling toward my eyes. I do not believe that Cage is a particularly good actor but I have always enjoyed his movies. Unfortunately Drive Angry 3D has brought him closer than ever to the brink of irrelevancy. Just when I thought Amber Heard could do no wrong on account of being hotter than hell (another pun people, I am on fire!), she chose the role of a Piper, a trailer trash, foul-mouthed, sleazy whore. This movie is as profane and full of licentiousness as any I have ever seen. Do I enjoy watching women from a Satanic cult dance naked in 3D? Sure, I have a manly extremity, but it honestly does not belong anywhere near a movie screen unless I am watching Cinemax after nightfall. D-.

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