Movie Reviews

Passion Play with Megan Fox

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Written by Jonathan Jacobs

Nate (Rourke) is a burlesque musician, and he wears a pimp hat! If only he had a pimp hand this might be interesting. On account of having seduced a mass-murdering gangster's wife (Bill Murray as Happy), he is kidnapped at gunpoint and driven out to the mountains to be executed. Mere micro-seconds from being blasted, Native American mountaineers (even though this film occurs in Europe?) shoot the would-be merchant of death first. Nate then wanders like a Bedouin desert dweller and happens on what every hallucinating hiker always does, a carnival!

Once inside the cavalcade, Nate interacts with any number of dwarfs, scoundrels, and fire-breathers. In one of the latent back rooms, searching for a working pay phone, Nate finds Lily caged in translucent glass. She is a beautiful creature with (wait for it...wait for it...) angel's wings. Except, she calls them "bird" extremities and  refuses to acknowledge that she is special. Lily has confined herself to a carney trailer and as such has labeled herself a freak. She is tired of living with wings (On the wings of love, only the two of us together flying HIIIIIGH, had to throw that song lyric in). Nate smells an opportunity and sweet talks Lily into leaving the circus, earning him the ire of her founder, the circus leader.

Once in civilization he devises a fool proof plan to continue earning Lily's trust and adoration; she will be  whore with wings! Imagine how much your local congressman will pay to see that! All of this faux-kindness is intended to placate his favorite pimp Happy. Meanwhile, in order to continue controlling her, Nate rescues her from plastic surgeons seeking to sever her wings. How sweet and true...and very business-oriented of him. What politician would want just an ordinary prostitute? All the while, she embraces her wings and tries to soar in the wind, how mythopoeiac.

When did Bill Murray turn 250 years old? Just curious. Megan Fox is no longer that sexy little teenager who can get away with having no talent on account of being hotter than the middle of our solar system. She is now a full-fledged woman that has shot her mouth off at Michael Bay and lost any hope of earning decent movie roles. She is stuck in hell, much like viewers watching this blockbuster film. Mickey Rourke is a disaster. He has no business starring in Sesame Street let alone Passion Play. There is less chemistry between Rourke and Fox than exists between Lebron James and a spelling contest. As your movie guidance counselor I advise you to steer clear of this roadside spectacle and spend your money wisely, rent Bambi the reunion.

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