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2-Headed Shark Attack

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Written by Jonathan Jacobs

The 2-headed shark is massive. He roars like a tiger, swims like Michael Phelps (when he is not stoned) and eats like Christina Aguilera (lately). Aside from residing near the Falkland Islands, the shark monster (let's call him Jabber Jaw, woo, woo, woo comma woo woo) lives on a steady diet of random small boat travelers. Best of all, each head understands the value of sharing. This is a magnanimous dicephalous monster.

While moseying their way to the Falklands, a dozen or so semester-at-sea students are in jeopardy and they do not even realize the danger that lurks beneath their hull. Captained by the husband and wife duo of Professor Babish and his sizzling wife Ann Charlie O'Connell and Carmen Electra), the SS Spring Break Flotilla houses students from all walks of life. There are studious kids, meatheads, tattoo freaks, young ladies with better tans than brains, and of course the do-gooding Kate (Hogan). Almost everyone is content to tan and drink and to flaunt their bodies in lieu of studying in those old-fashioned antiques called classrooms.

When Captain Babish accidentally places shark carrion onto the ship's propellers, the 2-headed shark attacks. The viciousness of this attack breaches the ship's hull. Good news though, unlike the Titanic, this vessel's compartments are sealable and the breach is able to be fixed. Unfortunately, the ship's repair woman is eaten by the shark in the process of repairing the breach. Good news though, she is bisected appropriately so that neither head will feel envious of the other.

A handful of students is able to escape to a nearby island. However, being a shark, Mr. 2 head (his rap name) is able to track three libidinous teens as they are indulging in a semester-at-sea tradition, the threesome. As the lucky guy to be is busy staring at two radically disproportionately sized pairs of breasts, the shark attacks. While the ladies gyrate and regurgitate blood the petrified young man is paralyzed by fear. To help him overcome his fright, the shark devours him for good measure.

The remainder of this thriller is replete with scares and bites and frights. What can we make of this independent film? It is mildly entertaining which is more than I can write about most recently released low-budget movies. Critics will trash it endlessly but let's face it dear readers, these actors try to make the most out of the dumbest premise ever. 2-Headed Shark Attack is worth watching, specifically while consuming mass quantities of liquor to quote Mr. Conehead. Long live Jaws.

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