Adrien Brody would be better served by performing as Pinocchio than as a molecular geneticist. He plays Dr. Clive Nicoli, an experimental geneticist who grafts various animal DNA together alongside trusty human genes. His wife and bamboozling moron Dr. Elsa Kast is played but the worst actress since Jessica Alba, Sara Polley. At least Alba is smoking hot, what is Polley’s excuse? Together they make the brilliant executive decision to grow a human with animal parts that turns out to be much less funny than Rob Schneider in The Animal. This experiment is unbeknownst to their bosses who simply want to cure diseases such as AIDS and cancer, silly establishment bureaucrats! Tricks are for kids. The baby grows from a blob that resembles Jabba the Hut’s stool specimen to become a semi-humanesque entity with a pointy tail that looks like a rose thorn and a it has a libidinous va-jay-jay.
Thing's (that is my name for "it") hobbies include watching mom and dad have sex, making sheepish noises and eating carrion (dead animal flesh) in the woods. Did I mention the doctors took this new species out of containment and into an old log cabin in the woods just for a brisk walk in the autumn breeze? Calling all animal rights activists.
I waited endlessly for the exciting parts for the entire duration of the film. At no time did I feel stunned, or grossed out or shocked, or even remotely amused. Let’s be realistic, Splice is a complete letdown. The previews led us to believe there would be alien violence and a planetwide catastrophe. Instead all we have is Adrien Brody’s dreadful acting and Sara Polley’s attempts to act motherly to a freak of nature. Coochie coochie coo! I love you? What you don’t love me? You want to stab me and eat me? How dare you act impertinently you genetically engineered swamp thing? Oh no you just didnnnnn’t attack me. Could a film get any worse than Splice? Time will tell but I doubt it.
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